by Karen Ferry
Holy . . . fuck!
“You’re becoming very dominating,” I whisper softly. “I kind of like it.”
Like it? That’s the understatement of the year. It’s hot as hell!
Daniel hums low in his throat and then inhales deeply. “I want to taste your pussy, Em . . . soon. But not here. When I finally get you in my bed, I want you to teach me how to go down on you . . . and I can’t wait for the day I’ll have you writhing beneath me, calling out my name in ecstasy as I lick you out . . . “
His words conjure hot images in my head, and my core throbs from his promise.
“Now, though,” he goes on, “I think we need to leave. I don’t think we’re alone anymore.”
I jump up and search frantically around me. Daniel’s right: what seems to be a family of four -- two adults with a young girl and toddler trailing behind them -- have entered the park, and they seem to be heading our way. I grab a couple of shopping bags from the ground and wave a hand at Daniel, letting him know that it’s time to go. He shakes his head but does as I command.
“Where to now?” he asks me, sorting out his pants, and we begin to walk out of the park.
“Home, I suppose,” I mutter. “I think that all you bought today should last you for a while. Oh, but I need to stop at the supermarket on the way home. My fridge is . . . well, devoid of anything edible,” I joke, but it’s true. I need to start taking better care of myself.
“Yes, I couldn’t help but notice that,” he replies drily, and I chuckle.
“I can’t cook,” I admit sheepishly, and he stops in his tracks.
“At all?” The look on his face is priceless! He looks absolutely flabbergasted, and I laugh heartily.
“Nope,” I chuckle, and we resume walking.
“I guess that means I’ll have to teach you a thing or two, then.”
What?
“Errm, Daniel, that’s sweet of you, but it’s not really necessary,” I reply cautiously, not wanting to appear rude.
He waves off my protests. “Nonsense. Look at it this way . . . We spend practically every day together, either at the shop or studying. We might as well have dinner those nights . . . before we get down to the fun stuff.”
The last part he says makes me stumble, surprised.
“What do you mean, ‘the fun stuff’?” I ask him suspiciously, peeking at him.
He takes my hand and pulls slightly, forcing me to stop walking. He wraps his other arm around my waist and grabs my arse, and I gasp at his cheekiness.
“Don’t think for one minute that I’ll be able to keep my hands off you, Em,” he warns me, grin in place.
Narrowing my eyes at him, I ask testily, “Meaning?”
“Meaning that my mouth or my hands will be on some part of your delectable body every single day,” he says and presses my bottom into his crotch.
My, my, my . . . hello, there . . .
“Cocky, aren’t you? What makes you think that I’ll even want you each day?”
Smirking, he leans closer, his lips hovering above mine, and says, “Oh, you bet the fuck I am. And don’t lie to me, or to yourself, and pretend that you won’t want it.”
“I’ve changed my mind. I think I prefer the shy, preppy boy I met a few days ago instead of the dominating alpha male you’re turning into,” I snap, trying to pull out of his arms, but they only tighten around me.
He chuckles. “Oh no, you don’t. You like this side of me . . . probably more than you’re willing to admit, even to yourself.”
Damn him! How can he know me so well already?
I huff. “Well, we’ll see about that, won’t we?” I ask and smile sweetly at him, but even I can tell that I don’t pull it off that well.
Daniel shakes his head, clearly exasperated, but releases his hold on me, and we walk in silence the rest of the way to the train station.
I have a nasty suspicion, though, that I’ve just put myself in a situation I can’t get out of without losing my footing.
Chapter 29
As we draw nearer to my flat, Daniel's phone starts ringing, and he searches through the pockets of his slacks and answers it.
“Hello?” he says, and when he hears the voice on the other end, he breaks out in a wide smile. "Hi!" he exclaims, and I become curious as to whom the caller is.
He hurries on, "Hang on, please." Covering the mouthpiece with a hand, he turns to me and whispers, "It's my mum."
I nod, understanding, and then indicate I'll leave him for now. His attention focused on his mother, he waves distractedly at me and unlocks his front door.
Once I'm alone in my hallway and have set aside my own bags -- because I just couldn't resist buying a new pair of shoes -- I take a deep breath and remove my hairband, letting my unruly hair hang loose down my back. Threading my fingers through the curls, I think back on the events of the day.
How did Daniel manage to completely blindside me like that? He acts as if he doesn't care one tiny bit about the rules I've set up, and it causes unease to surge through me. Yes, I really, truly want him, but some small part of me just can't let go completely . . . I dare not tear down my walls yet . . . Not until I know for a fact that I'm in the right frame of mind, that is.
Wow, I'm acting like an adult now . . .
I walk to my kitchen to get some water, feeling all kinds of hot and bothered but too stubborn to let Daniel win, so I decide to text Suzy. So much has happened in the past 48 hours, and I need her to cheer me up. Her positive, upbeat personality always manages to make me put things in perspective. On second thought, it might be better to just text her and ask if I can come over for a chat.
Me: Hey, are you home?
She responds soon after.
Suzy: Yep, and I'm SO bored! What's up?
Me: I have LOTS to tell you so is it alright if I stop by?
Suzy: Of course! Please do! ;-)
Me: Okay, see you soon. X
Suzy: Fab! X
I don't text Daniel before leaving my flat. I can't have him believe that I'll all of a sudden be available to him whenever he fancies some sexcapades.
"...so, as you can see, I'm more confused than ever, and I want you to tell me what to do," I finish my tale, a glass of Diet Coke in my hand. I've just spent the past hour going over my first psychology session -- skipping a few details, though -- and how my relationship with Daniel has shifted. When I showed up at Suzy's, she had just finished making us popcorn and, without even saying a proper 'hello' first, she ordered me to start talking. And that's what I did, occasionally munching on my snacks while Suzy listened, hanging onto every word coming out of my mouth.
Now, though, she sits on the couch opposite me, keeping her silence while looking at me with her head tilted to the side a bit, a thoughtful expression in her every feature.
I wipe my sticky fingers on a napkin and ask, "Well?"
She frowns. "I can't believe it's taken you two days to tell me all that's happened!"
Flabbergasted, I exclaim, "I have been pretty busy, you know."
"Uh, yes, seducing your virgin neighbour, I know," she murmurs, but I can tell that she isn't really offended at all.
"Don't make me regret telling you about that part," I warn her.
She sits back and laughs. "I promise I won't divulge Daniel's secret, Em. Don't get your panties in a twist."
I sigh loudly. "What do I do, Suzy?" I ask her quietly.
Crossing her arms in front of her, she shrugs. "Why not just enjoy it?"
I huff. "Because I need to keep my wits about me, that's why. I can't just let Daniel take over, and wait for things to progress naturally. I need to be two steps ahead of him all the time."
Suzy frowns. "I don't get it, Emma. What's so bad about letting go of your precious control every once in a while? And I don't mean in a sexual way?"
I look down at my lap, really thinking her question through.
Yes, why can't I do that?
I don't have the answer.
F
inally, I look back into her eyes and answer, "I don't know. I just can't."
Shaking her head at me, she says grumpily, "You have some serious trust issues you need to get sorted, Em."
Smiling a little, I nod. "I guess you're right about that."
We sit in silence for some time, lost in our own thoughts, until Suzy whispers, "Does he make your belly flutter with butterflies?"
I fan a hand across my face. "It feels like they're doing cartwheels all the bloody time."
She bursts out in laughter and I have no choice but to wait her out. Although I do it while looking rather irritated, I can't prevent the blush in my cheeks from transforming, and it only emphasises my annoyance.
Suzy rubs her hands together. "Oh, this is fantastic," she utters gleefully.
"Oh, really?" I snap at her. "Why is that?!"
"Because it means that, hopefully, you'll get your act together soon, and I can't wait to see you happy," she replies, her good mood evaporating rapidly.
I can't beat that kind of retort. Because she's probably right.
"It's not as if I want to be alone and miserable all my life," I say, trying to defend my reasons. "I just can't seem to get past this . . . “ I lean back in my seat, all of a sudden so sick and tired of myself.
What does Daniel see in me? I'm so fucked up I can't even understand why I’m holding back.
Suzy gets up from her seat, walks toward me and sits down next to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. I sniffle a bit as I place my head on her shoulder, yet I'm determined to not cry.
"There, there," she whispers, rocking me gently back and forth.
"My head's messed up, Suzy . . . I don't even understand why I'm reacting like this," I whisper, and the first tear trickles down my cheek, followed by another soon after.
"Listen, Em, I'm no psychologist, but I'm almost positive that it's because you're scared of how much Daniel will be able to change your life. Or, rather, the way you see yourself and the world. Besides . . . “ She leans away from me, and I meet her cheerful gaze, eager to hear what she has to say next.
"Look at it this way," she continues, "at least you'll be able to teach Daniel all the things we wish men did to please their women. That's a great thing, you know. If people knew, they'd take classes from you, I'm sure of it."
A giggle bursts free from my throat, and I grin at my best friend.
"Oh, another thing . . . ,” Suzy says before I have time to talk. "How's his cock?"
I snort, blushing wildly.
"Eerrm . . . it's . . . perfect: long, thick, and beautiful," I sigh as I envision it before me, and it causes tingles to erupt in my body. I don’t lie; Daniel's cock is definitely perfect.
"I'm so jealous of you right now, you dirty cow," Suzy teases me, and I hug her affectionately.
"Thank you for clearing my head," I tell her as I sit back. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
She winks at me. "Lucky for you, you won't ever have to. But promise me this . . . “ She waits, watching me with a cheeky expression in her eyes, and I wave my hand at her to simply get on with it.
"You have to ring me the minute you've kissed for the first time. I need details!"
Sighing, I vow quietly, "I promise."
Yet I don't tell her that it'll be my first kiss . . . I'm too embarrassed to admit to even my best friend about that part. It'll only get her started on another kind of interrogation, and I don't have the strength in me to confide in her yet.
Maybe I'll tell her everything once I've kissed Daniel.
The more I think about it - which is approximately every five seconds - the more I crave it.
Problem is, however, if, once I feel his lips on mine, I'll feel what every normal woman feels when kissing someone she's attracted to?
Or will the fears I have become true?
Will I bolt, consumed with nausea, like I have done before?
It's been three years since I lost my virginity. Well, perhaps 'lost' is the wrong word; actively pursued getting rid of it would be more accurate, I guess. I'd hoped that somehow forcing myself to be physically intimate with a man would help, sort out my fears, and so I went out clubbing one night, found a guy I fancied, and it didn't take long to convince him to take me home to his place and . . . well, you get the idea.
It didn't matter, though, and I can’t say I really enjoyed it while it lasted, but at least it didn't hurt like so many of my friends had told me it would. After he fell asleep -- I can't even remember his name -- I just stayed there beside him for a while, hoping against hope that this was it: the moment when my life would take a turn to the better, and that'd I'd no longer wake up screaming with fright each and every night.
How naive of me to think that.
It didn't have the desired effect, of course.
The nightmares continued . . . they even became worse for a while.
With each hook-up I had thereafter, though, I became aware of the fact that sex is just sex; an impulse in our brain that makes itself known from time to time. It tells you that you need to seek release of one kind or another. And at least it's better than doing drugs, right?
Lucky for me, then, that I'm at least not afraid to get down and dirty whenever I need that particular itch scratched.
And, to tell the truth, sex is great: there's no better thing than finding a willing participant, state what you are after in no uncertain terms, and then chasing the fire together before you explode and you're able to quiet the cravings again. At least for a little while.
It seems cold, doesn't it? It doesn't have to be. So many men do this - why is it such a taboo if you're a woman looking for the same thing?
The double standards of society is mind boggling, to say the least.
And yet . . . Sometimes I wonder what it'll be like to have sex with someone you actually have feelings for?
What will it feel like to be with Daniel?
Our attraction only strengthens each day, and I know I can't avoid the inevitable for much longer.
I'm not sure I even want that. I'm an impatient person by nature, and I want him.
I want him in every way I can get him - and it has to be soon.
I haven't seen or heard from Daniel ever since his mother rang him when we'd just got back from the shops on Saturday afternoon.
It's been five days since then, and I have to admit that I'm a bit worried now.
I ended up staying over at Suzy's, and I mostly did it because I wanted to avoid Daniel, but it was lovely being alone with my friend for once. We always seem to be so busy with other things that we tend to forget to relax, only the two of us together, and I could tell that she enjoyed our girl time as much as I did. On Sunday, we went out to brunch, then headed to a spa and got pampered, before we went out to eat at our favourite Italian restaurant, Vivaldi, in the evening. Then we took off to the cinema to catch a late film at Palads. I was so exhausted when I got home that I didn't even text Daniel to find out if he'd had a good evening.
Come Monday morning, I knocked on his door when it was time to go to work, but when he didn't answer and I was simply met with silence from his flat, I didn't think much of it and simply took off to the bookshop alone. However, when he didn't show up, I finally asked Mr. Andersen if he knew anything – I tried to make it appear as if I was just being a friendly neighbour, asking if Daniel was okay. Mr. Andersen didn't really say anything, just mumbled that Daniel had phoned him during the weekend, telling him that he had a family matter to attend to. I didn't want to come off as too nosy and make him suspicious about my questions even though that was exactly the case.
But now it's Thursday afternoon, and I still haven't heard anything from him. My casual texts to him have all gone unanswered, which is so unlike him that I don't know what to make of it. I hope nothing too serious has happened, of course, but I don't feel comfortable to merely ring him, demanding answers. That's too pushy, even for me.
I have another appointment with Katherine today. She phon
ed me on Monday, asking if we could move it up a day because of some school event her daughter wanted to take her to, and I don't really mind it. At least it gives me something to do instead of waiting around at home like some lovesick teenager -- how depressing.
I sit down in the armchair across from her like I did the last time, and she pours me some water.
"How have you been since we spoke last week?" she asks me and opens her notebook.
In order time to gather my thoughts, I take a sip of water.
"Confused," I finally answer, but smile to make the sting caused by my answer less evident. At least I hope it does.
"In what way?" she asks me, her face mirroring one big question mark.
I hesitate for a few seconds but at last simply blurt out all that's happened with Daniel as well as his disappearing act.
"Wow," she answers. "You've been quite busy, haven't you?" I don't take offense, because she's obviously right, and I don't mind her bluntness at all. In fact, I find it quite refreshing.
Nodding, I clear my throat, and she goes on, "What about your nightmares? Have they increased in nature, or . . . ?”
"I'm still haunted by them, but actually not every night: only three times since I saw you, and I see that as a good thing," I answer her truthfully. "Do you think they'll ever vanish completely?" I ask her, hope evident in my voice.
She shrugs. "I hope so, but it's difficult to say when I don't have all the facts yet." I frown, disappointed to get that kind of answer, and she smiles gently. "Emma, do you think you're ready to tell me about what they are about? I mean, whatever happened to you that caused them to start?"
I tense, my whole body locking down, and I feel coldness seeping in every part of me.
This is it. The moment I knew was coming ever since taking the plunge to see Katherine. But now that it’s here, I feel as if the time has arrived too soon.