He seemed to notice the shiver, and shifted closer to her once more.
“Are you cold?”
Mishi gave the barest of nods, not willing to answer aloud, because she wasn’t truly cold. She knew that he would be able to sense the lie if she uttered the words. But she had felt a chill and she wanted him close to her again. Even if she didn’t know what to do with him so close, she longed for him to return.
She felt herself relax as he resumed his earlier proximity. He wasn’t pressed against her quite as closely as he had been before—she could tell because there were parts of her skin that still felt chilled, compared to a few moments earlier—and she decided to make up the difference herself, scooting closer to him.
“Tell me more about what you sense in the wild,” she said. She wasn’t sure if she wanted him to speak because she enjoyed the sound of his voice, or because she was interested in what he told her. She thought it was likely a combination of the two. She certainly enjoyed his voice, but she found herself intrigued by the way he described his kisō.
“So…the earth tells me things, or rather, I can sense its reactions to the things that have traveled before me. The signs that most people can detect are just one layer of the things that I can sense. I can also sense what the plants and animals have experienced, as well as what the earth itself has experienced, through its reactions.”
“You read the earth?” Mishi mused, as she stared into the fire and let Mitsu’s voice wash over her.
“I suppose you could say that.”
She could hear the smile in his voice. She leaned against his shoulder, watched the fire cook the rabbits that would serve as their dinner, listened to the creatures that shifted and called out in the forest around them, and began to understand how someone could feel completely at home in the wild.
~~~
After dinner, Mishi banked the fire so that it would continue to burn at a reasonable rate throughout the night while generating enough heat to keep them both warm. It was spring, but the nights were still quite cool this high in the mountains, and sleep would be difficult if they let themselves get too cold.
Mishi was trying to figure out where the best place to lie for the night would be, relative to the fire and the warmth it would create, when Mitsu indicated an area he had just cleared of rocks and layered with pine needles.
“The pine needles will help to keep us warm.”
Mishi hesitated when she realized that Mitsu intended for them to sleep near each other once more.
“I shouldn’t sleep beside you,” she said, fear clawing her chest as she remembered the visions that had gripped her while the rabbits had cooked. “What if I wake up from a nightmare and don’t recognize you? What if I don’t wake up from the nightmare at all?”
“Then I’ll let you know it’s me, and you’ll stop.”
Mishi shook her head.
“You know that’s not how it works. I’m lucky I haven’t hurt you already on this journey. Kami curse it, I’m lucky I haven’t had any more visions, with all the things we’ve seen over the past few days.”
“It will be fine. You’ve never hurt me before.”
Mishi only raised an eyebrow at that.
“Well, you’ve never hurt me once you realized it was me,” Mitsu corrected hastily.
“You don’t understand,” Mishi insisted. “I could kill you.”
Mitsu shook his head, but Mishi didn’t allow him time to speak.
“Mitsu-san, you’ve seen it. When I’m trapped in those visions I don’t recognize anyone. Everyone becomes the enemy. I can’t be trusted.”
“We’ll leave your blades on the far side of the camp.”
“I don’t need my blades to kill you, Mitsu-san.” Mishi hated to say it, but she knew it was the truth, and so did Mitsu.
“Mishi-san, if you can’t be trusted, then I’m not safe no matter what side of the camp or fire I’m sleeping on. Right beside you or a dozen meters away will make little difference. We’ve discussed this before.”
“But if you’re farther away, you’ll have more time.”
“Only if I wake before you do, and realize you’re having a nightmare. How many times must we have this same argument? Mishi-san, if you’re right here, at least I can easily sense you, sense how you’re sleeping. If you start thrashing in your dreams, I’ll know to give you space. I’ll have more time to react than if you were to wake in the night on the other side of the camp and come toward me.”
Mishi was about to argue, when Mitsu spoke up again.
“Besides, if you’re cold in the night you won’t sleep as well, and you’ll be far more likely to have nightmares to begin with. If you stay between me and the fire, you’ll be warm and you’ll sleep calmly.”
Mishi opened her mouth to object, but Mitsu cut her off one more time.
“And if you leave me to sleep alone, I might freeze to death. I don’t have fire at my beck and call, and can’t just decide to be warm the way that you can. If you sleep beside me, you can be certain that you won’t awake to a Mitsu-cicle in the morning.”
That made her laugh. She remained unconvinced that Mitsu would be safe with her beside him, but she was tired of arguing and she was half convinced that Mitsu was right, as he had been when the children were with them. Besides, she would stay awake all night if she had to, in order to keep Mitsu safe.
She lay down, curling up in front of the fire. She instantly recognized that the pine needles made a great deal of difference in how warm she was. She resolved to ask either Mitsu or Taka for lessons on surviving alone in the wilderness.
Despite her best intentions to the contrary, it wasn’t long before the gentle warmth of the crackling fire, and the warmth of Mitsu at her back, allowed exhaustion to claim her.
She didn’t wake reliving a terror that was causing her to attack Mitsu. She did wake up screaming.
Mitsu’s arms wrapped gently around her, not hard enough to make her feel restrained, just enough to remind her that she wasn’t alone.
She took great, gasping breaths, trying to remove the images of Kuma-sensei’s death from her mind. In reality, it was something she’d never actually seen. She had been busy fighting the First Rōjū when it had happened, and she’d only ever heard it described after the fact. But in her dreams, not only did she see the event up close and personal, with Kuma-sensei’s eyes pleading for life even as the blade bit into his shoulder and cleaved him to the lung…in her dreams, she was the one who held the blade.
“Mishi-san?” Mitsu’s voice asked, from behind her. The skin on her neck danced to the feel of his warm breath against the tiny hairs that stood up there.
“Yes?” she asked, as she worked to get her breathing under control.
“Is there anything I can do?” Mitsu asked, his voice quiet and calm.
Mishi took a deep breath, considering the question. She wasn’t lost in a vision. She didn’t need the kind of reminder that would pull her back to reality. She was free of the images that had woken her, but the essence of them remained. The sick feeling that she had done something horrible, something that could never be undone. That she had killed something beautiful, and lost a bit of her soul with it. That feeling stayed with her, and she didn’t have the slightest idea how to get rid of it.
“Don’t let go,” she whispered.
If she’d learned anything from her experience earlier in the evening, it was that she would regret the loss of warmth she felt right at this moment. In fact, she took a moment to register just how close Mitsu was to her. Just like earlier, when they’d been sitting by the fire, he’d pushed himself much nearer to her than she’d realized while she had been lost in whatever was tormenting her.
This time, she took stock of how she could feel his arms wrapped gently around her shoulders, the muscles of his forearms pressed against her own, the muscles of his chest pressed against those in her shoulders.
His stomach pressed tightly against her lower back…when she registered his legs
and how they tucked against her own, she noticed something else, and her memory was suddenly thrown back to conversations with Sachi that now seemed like they’d happened a lifetime ago. Detailed conversations about men, which she had never had with anyone else before or since.
She wasn’t sure what it meant that she could feel that particular part of Mitsu’s anatomy, but she had some guesses, based on those long-ago conversations.
She took another moment to luxuriate in the feel of Mitsu’s body against hers, and she was glad that she’d asked him to continue holding her. Something about it was chasing off the feeling that had overwhelmed her as she woke from the dream, and she wondered if she would be able to sleep again that night. So far, she’d never been able to find sleep again, after a dream like the one she’d just had.
Then she felt Mitsu’s breath against the back of her neck, and thoughts of sleep left her.
“Mishi-san?” Mitsu asked again, and she wondered why the timbre of his voice made the bottom of her stomach drop away.
“Yes?” she whispered, afraid that speaking any louder would chase away whatever was happening between them right now.
“May I kiss you?” Mitsu asked.
Mishi’s skin felt a rush of heat at the mere suggestion, and she nodded softly, only to realize that Mitsu was behind her and probably couldn’t see.
“Yes,” she whispered.
She had been about to shift her weight to roll toward him, as she expected him to kiss her mouth, but before she could move she felt his lips graze her throat. She felt her heart increase its pace as the light sensation continued—from her neck, down to her collarbone, and then out across her shoulder, carefully shoving the cloth of her uwagi out of the way as it went.
Mishi had worried, for the tiniest moment, when Mitsu had first asked to kiss her, that she would waste the moment comparing the kiss to her first kiss with Katagi. Instead, she found all memory of that first kiss erased by the sensation of the warm lips that traced from her collarbone to her shoulder, and back again. When he reached the place where neck met collarbone, he traced back up her neck, to the soft spot behind her ear. When he came forward to trace her jawline to her mouth, he finally shifted them both, so that he was suspending himself above her. She lay with her back to the earth and her face toward the sky, his green eyes holding hers for a long moment, just before his lips found hers and kept them. Quietly at first, without demanding, just testing to see if they were welcome. Mishi, so caught up in the sensations she’d been drowning in for the past few moments, turned into the kiss and returned the gesture with enthusiasm.
It had been so long since she had been able to feel anything without the pain of her past overwhelming her. For a long moment, as their lips met, she forgot who she was, and where and why, and she put all of her being into returning that kiss.
Mitsu simply met her there for a moment, but then something about her reaction turned his gentle quest into something hungrier, and soon his lips were demanding more, his tongue begging for an entrance, which she eagerly granted.
Mishi soon found that, as close as they were already, she wanted more. Her arms quested upward, without her direction, wrapping themselves behind Mitsu’s back, around his neck, to pull him closer. Soon, she found herself rising from the ground to close the distance between them, and Mitsu’s arms seemed to be supporting her efforts, doing their best to keep her raised up and pressed against him.
One of them moaned, but she was never sure which of them it was, and she didn’t care. All she knew was that she felt a fire coursing through her body, and for once the sensation came without doubts, or fears, or any other feelings at all. She felt good, truly good, for the first time in more moons than she could count, and she never wanted it to end.
Eventually, though, she felt the space between them grow again, and though she lamented it, she understood that exhaustion was bound to claim them both after a time. She finally pulled back enough to look at Mitsu’s face. His eyes sparkled in the moonlight that danced around them, and his lips curved up at the sides in a smile that warmed her more than the fire that still smoldered beside them.
“Why did you want to kiss me?” she found herself asking, before her brain could stop her.
Mitsu’s eyebrows rose, touching above his nose as he spoke.
“I thought it was fairly obvious.”
Now Mishi raised an eyebrow of incredulity.
“I’ve wanted to do that since very shortly after the first time that we met,” he said.
“You mean that time in the woods, when I thought you were a stray hishi come to capture me?”
Mitsu nodded.
“I almost killed you. It made you want to kiss me?”
Mitsu nodded again, this time more vigorously.
“You’re insane,” she said.
Mitsu merely shrugged.
“I find you very intriguing,” he said, as if that was the only reason a person could have for kissing someone.
“And beautiful,” he added, making Mishi entirely suspicious of him.
She must have narrowed her eyes at him, for he looked at her with honest shock.
“You can’t tell me you don’t know that you’re beautiful!?”
Mishi continued to glare at him.
“I don’t dislike the way I look,” she said. “But I know that most men find someone like Kusuko attractive, and I am well aware that I don’t look a thing like her.”
“All to the good, in my mind. Kusuko looks lovely enough, but she’s small, and…well, she looks too much like a doll for my liking.”
Mishi chuckled at that.
“And what do I look like?” she asked, before she could stop herself.
“A warrior,” Mitsu said simply.
Mishi didn’t reply to that, but she decided to lie down in the crook of Mitsu’s arms once more, and let sleep take her. This time, she didn’t dream of anything but moonlight on skin, and the warmth of a glowing fire.
18th Day, 3rd Moon, Cycle 1 of the New Council
MISHI WOKE TO the sound of breathing, and it was a long moment before she remembered where she was, and with whom. The sky was just getting light, the sun still hidden beneath the horizon, and the sounds of small animals and birds filled the space around her. She took some time to enjoy the warmth of Mitsu’s body pressed against hers, and the memory of last night brought blood to her face—and other places. She wasn’t ashamed of what they’d done. Long ago, after overhearing a conversation between Mishi, Ami, and Sachi, Tenshi had explained that it was perfectly normal for two people to please each other in such a way, especially if they cared for each other. Nevertheless, Mishi was glad that they hadn’t done anything that would require her to take the herbs that prevented pregnancy. She didn’t have any with her, and she was unsure where to find them, or how to treat them to make them potent. She was fairly certain that Taka would know all about them, and she would ask her friend if they became necessary, but for the time being, she was glad she didn’t need to have that discussion. Would it be strange to admit to Taka that she cared for her brother? She didn’t think Taka would mind, but then, she’d never had a brother. Taka was fairly new to having a brother, so perhaps she wouldn’t mind either.
She shook herself. Did she really think that Mitsu would continue to care for her now that he knew the truth? Could he really love someone who was so…damaged? He’d been understanding yesterday, when she’d told him the truth, and he’d still seemed to care for her last night, but surely the morning light would make it clear to him that she wasn’t an acceptable target for his affections.
She would do her best to remind them both of that.
That much decided, Mishi rose from the pine bed, careful not to disturb Mitsu, and started a small fire with some of the remaining deadfall she’d collected the day before. They would be getting an early start, surely, after all they’d learned yesterday, but they could at least cook the extra rabbits that Mitsu had caught.
Once the fire was cra
ckling peacefully, with another two rabbits skewered above it, she stood beneath the tall pines that surrounded their camp, silhouetted against the lightening sky, and began to warm herself by running through the kata she had learned for unarmed combat. She would let Mitsu sleep while she practiced. If she was going to return to violence, and the last few tendays proved that it was inevitable, then she should do all she could to control herself, and practice was the key to control.
She was so deep into the forms of her kata that she almost didn’t hear the branch snap in the forest behind her.
For a moment, she pretended that she hadn’t heard it. She caught sight of Mitsu out of the corner of her eye. He had risen from the pine needles and begun to tend the rabbits not long ago. Now, with nothing more than a brief glance in her direction, he continued tending them, as though he hadn’t heard anything either.
She started a new kata, one whose pattern would take her closer to the forest, turning as the kata required, which lined her up with her target.
Her peripheral vision showed her Mitsu finding a reason to move to the far side of the fire, as though he were deeply involved in tending the rabbits. As soon as he was in position, she sprang.
The man hiding in the shadows was taken by surprise, as evidenced by the whites of his eyes flashing as he turned to run into the forest, but he was quick enough to react before Mishi reached him. She wasn’t sure she would have been able to catch him if Mitsu hadn’t been covering his escape.
Between Mitsu’s speed, and the angle at which he moved to intercept, it wasn’t far—barely a handful of sprinted paces—before they had caught up with, and successfully tackled, the spy.
Mishi was disturbed to note that the man was dressed in hishi garb, but as he hadn’t yet thrown any poisoned blades at her, and had instead attempted to run away, she decided he didn’t deserve death before she’d had a chance to speak with him.
So, as she and Mitsu wrestled his arms behind him, before he had the chance to draw a weapon, Mishi hit him hard at the base of his skull, watching him crumple to the ground beneath her.
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