Always (With Bonus Material) (Always & Forever Book 1)

by Kindle Alexander

  "Daddy, come eat," Autumn called from the kitchen. Kane was slow to respond, apparently slower than she liked, and she stuck her head out the back door. "Would you rather eat out here on the patio?"

  "Baby, I'm not hungry. I told you I wasn't hungry," he said, not bothering to move from his seat.

  "Daddy, you're losing too much weight. You have to try to eat," she reprimanded, then disappeared back inside. Kane went back to biting at his thumbnail, watching the birds play at one of the birdfeeders in the yard.

  "Daddy, you have to eat more. Your refrigerator's completely full of food. None of the dinners being sent over here are being touched, so that means you aren't eating. You're going to make yourself sick. Here's your favorite. Potato soup and a Havarti with turkey sandwich. Come eat," she said, placing a tray on the patio table close to him. Her eyes now pleaded with him to move to the table. She was right. He needed to eat more. He needed to do a lot of things more, but what he really wanted was for her to go, so he could make his daily trip to Avery's gravesite and then tuck himself away for the night with Avery's latest note. It had been eight weeks since Avery death, and he had seven bouquets and two handwritten notes from Avery. God, he missed that man more than he could bear. Tears sprang to his eyes.

  For nothing more than to hide them, he rose and made his way across the patio to the table and focused on the food. His stomach turned at the sight, making him feel weak, but he hid that too. Instead, he reached for the water bottle on the tray. "Thank you, honey."

  "You're welcome." She kissed his cheek as he swallowed the water. "Please eat it all. I talked to your pastor this morning. He says he hasn't seen you in church since Dad died. He's tried to come over, but you aren't home, or you're not answering the door." Kane didn't respond as he reached for the mustard, spreading it across the bread. Everything she said was true, so there was no point in denying it. Under her close inspection, he held his stomach and took a bite of the soup.

  "Thank you, Daddy," she said, kneeling beside him and kissing his cheek again as he forced the warm soup down. Autumn could be blunt and straightforward one second, tender and sweet the next. She was so much like Avery in that way. The thought touched his heart and brought a beloved memory forward.

  "I remember when your dad and I found out we were going to be parents. Avery was so sure we were having a little girl he started a betting pool with the physician's staff. Everyone had their money on us having a boy, but not your dad. 'His little princess', that's how he referred to you from the very beginning. Of course Avery had been right, but so had everyone else; none of that mattered to your dad. You should have seen him gloating in the doctor's office that day. Your dad always did like being right, probably about as much as he loved getting his way."

  Kane smiled as he recalled the joy in his heart, and the triumphant gleam on Avery's face, the day their doctor announced they were going to be parents of not only a boy, but also a baby girl. Kane softly brushed a loose strand of blonde hair from Autumn's forehead. "I hope you know how proud I am of you, how proud you made us as parents and what joy it's given me to watch you grow into a remarkable woman. I couldn't have asked for anything more. You and your brother are such blessings. You helped make my life complete. I love you, Autumn." Kane spoke slowly, trying to calm his quivering voice and give his words meaning as he reached out and took her hand.

  "Daddy, I love you, too, but I need you to start taking better care of yourself. You don't look good." Autumn's eyes stayed trained on his as she spoke. He saw her concern, and the pain he caused her, but he didn't know how to reassure her everything would be okay.

  "I need to call Robert. I'll be back." She stood abruptly and left him sitting there while she walked down off the back porch and sat on the bottom step. He sat quietly, staring down at the food, thinking about how many times he and Avery had eaten their lunch in this very spot. This was their favorite time of year. The flowers were just beginning to bloom and Avery had made sure their backyard was packed with every type of flower he could find.

  The strategically placed bird feeders kept their backyard buzzing with hummingbirds, blue jays, and cardinals all springtime long. How could someplace that had given him such peace just months ago cause him so much pain now? The tears he'd been fighting sprang free, and he lowered his head to his hands, scrubbing his face, angry he wasn't able to pull himself together better than this.

  "Robert, he's not good. You're not listening to me. He needs help. I don't think it's a good idea he stay here. He has to have lost another five pounds just since you've been here," Autumn said, her conversation filtering over to him.

  He apparently hadn't hidden his emotions or himself as well as he'd hoped. This wasn't good. Kane pushed back in the chair and picked up the tray to take it into the kitchen. He had no desire to stick around and hear anything else she had to say about how bad he looked or how little he was participating in life. He'd been subjected to that same refrain for weeks now. Instead, he placed the tray on the counter, and took the keys to Avery's car off the key rack by the back door. He left Autumn there at his house without a second thought and drove straight to Avery's grave.

  The bench he'd had installed waited for him, just like every day. He spent the next six hours there, talking to Avery, telling him all his thoughts until the darkness of night forced him away.

  Chapter 35

  Four weeks later

  "Mr. Adams, you aren't taking care of yourself," Dr. Connors said, dropping his stethoscope back into his bag. He was young, fresh, and one of Robert's friends who was willing to make house calls. Kane let out a cough that hurt badly as it racked throughout his body. The doctor pulled out a syringe, filled the barrel with an unknown substance, and lifted Kane's arm to give him a shot. "You should be in the hospital, sir."

  "I want to stay here," Kane said, his throat raw and his voice gravelly. He let out another long bark. By the time this coughing fit was through, Autumn sat on the other side of the bed, up on her knees, crying. Robert was beside her, the same concern etched across his face.

  "You keep saying that, sir, but you're not doing what needs to be done to get you well."

  "Daddy, please," Autumn said. When Kane shook his head no, Autumn grew visibly angry. "You have to. There isn't a choice anymore. You're wasting away! We have to stop these flowers from coming, and you need medical help and counseling, Daddy. This isn't right. I can't take care of you if you don't take care of yourself!" "Autumn…" Robert started as Dr. Connors took his bag and quietly left the room. Kane felt like Dr. Connors probably supported his daughter's thoughts on his care, and Robert, most certainly, thought she was correct, and if he were honest, she wasn't wrong, but he wasn't leaving this house.

  "No, I can't take this Robert. He's killing himself, and it's happening right in front of us," she ranted. Her tears were full-blown now, and she hovered right over him. He started to speak, planning to tell her he would be fine, but another round of coughing gripped him, stealing the breath from his body.

  Thank God Robert stepped in, dragging Autumn from the room, talking to her as he pushed her out the door, closing it behind her before returning to Kane's bedside. This time the coughs were longer to get through and exhausted Kane. He could feel the medicine taking hold as he lay back, trying to catch his breath, reaching for the oxygen mask laying on the nightstand. Robert took over, helping Kane adjust his position.

  "Daddy… Here," Robert said, his tone soothing as he helped him lie down on his back, placing the mask over his nose and mouth. "You aren't taking care of yourself, and you're stopping us from taking care of you. Dad would hate this. We're failing him because you won't let us help you."

  Kane shook his head again, carefully breathing in the oxygen. The medicine the doctor had given him was putting him to sleep, and he welcomed the oblivion. Sleep meant Avery would visit him. He'd been visiting more and more in Kane's dreams. He closed his eyes, breathing in as deeply as he could and slowly fell asleep.

  "This is
n't right, Robert!" Autumn said, rounding on him as he came into the living room. Her arms were crossed over her chest. The tears were there, but anger was the most dominant emotion pouring off her at the moment.

  "He's lost his will to live, Autumn. Medicine can only do so much." Robert scrubbed his hands down his face as he came to stand in front of her. Dr. Connors was there too, waiting to be told the plan of care. Clearly, he was on Autumn's side, ready to transport Kane into the hospital tonight. And hell, he completely agreed, but the little boy inside him struggled with the man he'd become. In the end, his father's wishes won out over his common sense.

  "Screw that, Robert! You know better than that," Autumn yelled at him. Dr. Connors came for Autumn, wrapping an arm around her, and Robert narrowed his brow at the familiarity. Were they a couple? When had they started dating? Shit, maybe he wasn't paying enough attention to his family if he didn't know something like this.

  "Robert, it would be in your father's best interest to move him as soon as possible. He's not well, you have to know that," Dr. Connors told him. Autumn stayed tucked in his arms, her gaze begging him to do the right thing—at least as she saw it—but he also knew his father's current condition had very little to do with bronchitis. He just couldn't figure out how to make his father want to live again.

  "I'd like to give it a few more days. We have registered nurses here with him around the clock. I want to try to get him well, and then move him into some serious inpatient counseling—" Robert started, but Autumn cut him off.

  "We're past that point, Robert. He's past that. He's lost thirty pounds in three months. He's sicker than he's been in his entire life, and I want these stupid flowers to stop coming! What was Dad thinking? We should even move him out of this house. He has to live, Robert. Dad made me promise to take care of him." Autumn was frantic, more so than he'd ever seen her before. In his silence, she grew angrier, picking up last week's bouquet and tossing it across the room before she flung herself out of the house in a disgusted rage. That left Robert and Dr. Connors staring at the door she'd just stormed out of. It took a second, but his friend took off after her. Robert let them go, and he stayed right where he was, trying to come up with anything to help this situation and make everyone happy.

  When nothing came to mind, he decided to clear his schedule and stay with his father for the next few days. Which meant he wouldn't be working. Not work? That almost sent a panic through him. He hadn't ever taken a vacation before, but he didn't take time to think about it as he promptly called his office to leave instructions for them to rearrange his schedule until further notice.

  Carrying a tray of soup, Robert rounded the corner, heading back to his father's bedroom. He was in day three of his overnight stay, and he was absolutely certain he hadn't made any difference in his father's mindset at all by being here. His father was still sick, lethargic, and becoming unresponsive. In Robert's best estimation, he was certain the last two had nothing to do with his illness.

  "I have chicken broth for you," Robert said, managing to open the door while holding the tray. "Priscilla, I've got this," he said, looking at the nurse sitting by Kane's bed. She nodded, quietly excusing herself.

  "Here we go," he said, putting the tray over his father's lap. He learned early on not to give his father an option. Instead, he scooted the chair up to the side of the bed and started spoon feeding the soup to his mouth. Like normal, his father took a bite or two willingly, then maybe another one unwillingly before rejecting anything more.

  "Daddy, I'm concerned about you. You can't go on like this," Robert said, putting the spoon down, and wiped Kane's mouth. His father didn't reply.

  "You're wasting away. You have to make the decision to live, because at this rate, I'm very worried for you. I can't see how you're going to last much longer." His throat clogged as he said the words. He moved the tray and lifted his frail father, adjusting the pillows behind his back.

  "I've always been so proud of you," Kane said in a labored, gravelly voice, looking up at Robert as he shoved another pillow behind him. For the first time in months, his father's blue eyes didn't look hollow, and that gave Robert hope. "You were protecting your sister in the womb. We didn't know she was there until we got one of those fancy ultrasounds."

  "I love my family. I love you. I've wanted you to be proud of me," Robert said, bringing the blanket up, tucking it tightly around Kane.

  "I never knew if we were really doing right by you and your sister. I tried to make up for things you might be missing. I'm glad Sophia stayed in your life. You followed in her footsteps," Kane managed, only coughing once or twice as he spoke.

  "I have no complaints about my life, Daddy. I had a great childhood. I was lucky," Robert declared. He paused in taking the conversation back to his father's current health. This was more discussion than they had had in a long time. Maybe his father had made a turn, perhaps the memories of something other than Avery would help him, spur him back into the world of the living. Robert took Kane's hand out of the blanket, holding it tightly until he linked their fingers together.

  "Is Dr. Connors seeing Autumn?" Kane asked. That made Robert smile. His father seemed so lifeless, but he had picked up on that even when Robert had completely missed the subtle signs.

  "Seems that way." Robert chuckled. "He's a good man. I like him."

  "What about you? Who are you seeing?" Kane questioned. The talking was getting to him, and he had a solid fit of coughing, gasping for breath between each spasm. Robert gave Kane several sips of water and rubbed his back until he settled down. When he was done, Kane looked at Robert expectantly and it took a second to remember his question.

  "No one. I'm not seeing anyone," Robert said, sitting back on the chair, still holding Kane's hand. Having two gay fathers had made his own coming out incredibly easy. His grip tightened when he considered how accepted he'd always been in his life compared to many of his gay friends who still struggled to this day.

  "There are lots of single professional men in this town, Son," Kane started, his voice raspy and low.

  "I know, Daddy. I'm not settling for just anyone, not until I find what you and Dad had," Robert said, stopping himself as sadness crossed his father's face. His eyes returned to that hollow look again. Damn, why had he said that?

  "Robert, take me to Avery's grave, I have to go," Kane pleaded, his eyes searching Robert's face.

  "I don't think that's a good idea," Robert said, shaking his head. "It's cold outside. You're sick…"

  "Please, Son. I haven't been," Kane asked again and began to cough. "Please, I feel him there."

  Robert stared at his father's pleading gaze. He was a shell of a man, lying listless and frail. It wasn't a good idea to consider taking him outside. Robert searched his brain, trying to come up with a viable reason to say no, or at least one his father would agree to. Nothing came to mind.

  "We're taking a wheelchair. I want you bundled up, and you promise, if I take you, you will take your medicine and turn this around for us. Promise me, Daddy. We can't keep watching you wither away to nothing. You have to stop this." Robert pulled the covers back, helping Kane to the side of the bed. "Promise me."

  Kane nodded his head, taking short shallow breaths. He was weak and much smaller than Robert had realized as he helped place each of his father's feet on to the floor. In that moment, Robert knew he was going to have to go against Kane's wishes. Autumn was right, he needed intensive, constant care. Nothing had changed, nothing had gotten better with Robert staying here. His father deteriorated with each second that passed by. He had to stop thinking emotionally, and take care of his father like he was any other patient at the hospital.

  He would let Kane stop by the gravesite one last time, and then he would take him to the hospital. He'd stalled long enough.

  "Stay here, I'm getting your house shoes and some warmer pants." Kane nodded, and Robert saw it took everything inside his father just to stay upright. Dammit, why had he let this get so far out of hand? Rob
ert rummaged through Kane's things, grabbing a pair of sweats, house shoes, and a coat. He called the nurse to prepare the wheelchair. He dressed Kane as the chair was wheeled in.

  It took quite a bit of time to load Kane, first from the bed to the chair, and then the chair to the car. Robert had to reach over and strap his father in with the seat belt. Kane was exhausted and winded just getting himself inside the car. Robert fought his need to drive straight to the hospital, but he wanted to honor this last wish before getting his father the help he needed. The ride to the cemetery was quick, but Kane seemed to weaken by the minute.

  Robert pulled the car as close as he could to his dad's grave. He put it in park, got out, then pulled the wheelchair from the trunk. He hoisted his father into the chair because he was too weak to lift himself. His father's eyes focused on Avery's tombstone, and nothing more seemed to exist for him.

  "Daddy, we aren't staying long," Robert said as he began to wheel Kane forward. Kane's only response was more coughing. Robert parked Kane close to the headstone, locked the wheels in place, and made sure Kane was completely covered before he left him to go back to the car to make plans with the hospital for Kane's arrival. He paced beside the car, making phone calls, keeping a watchful eye on Kane. He'd give him fifteen minutes, and then they were gone. After he set all the wheels in motion, his last phone call was to Autumn, letting her know to meet them at the hospital as soon as possible.

  Chapter 36