“I didn’t know I was your first. But I’m glad.” He sounds proud. I want to ask him why he’s glad. For me or for himself?
“I know the first time isn’t supposed to be very good for a girl.” He traces a finger along my backbone. “It’ll get better, I promise.”
I want to roll over and punch him in the gut. How does he know about a girl’s first time? How does he know whether I want it to get better, or to do that with him ever again in my life? Because I don’t. I won’t. I wanted him to help me escape my head. But the truth is there’s no escaping. Not with Casper.
I don’t say anything.
“Sam?” He sighs. “It was great, right?” His finger moves up to my shoulder. I use all my remaining self-restraint not to swat him away.
Not for me, I want to snap. It wasn’t great for me.
“Sam?” he asks in a quieter voice. “Is everything okay?” There’s compassion in his voice now. Less boasty pride.
I close my eyes. I made my own bed. In every sense of the phrase. I roll over and grab the sheets and pull them up to cover me.
He leans over then and kisses me on the lips, and I kiss him back, trying to feel something. Anything but the numbness that is me. His lips don’t thaw me, and he pulls them away. My body has become a hollow vessel.
And then Casper wraps his arms around me and snuggles into my back. I don’t move, but the warmth is better. His heat soothes the coldness of my skin. I wiggle closer, trying to fill myself with his essence, become a whole person. Borrow his body temperature.
He gently slides his arm away.
“Okay. I have to get this condom off.”
I close my eyes and shudder at the casual way he says it.
He leans over me and kisses my nose. “And we should get going.” His high-pitched voice squeaks at the end of the sentence. “My parents will be expecting me soon.”
I want to snatch his arm back. Force him to stay with me in his bed, not shove me back into the world. The world where I killed an innocent boy. The world where I’m no longer a virgin.
He slides out of bed and puts his hand over his private parts. Truthfully, I wouldn’t look anyhow. I have no desire to gawk at him.
“I’m going to have a quick shower.” He doesn’t ask if I want one too. Or if I feel horribly filthy. I want to shower. Erase his fingerprints from almost every inch of my body.
He disappears into his bathroom. When he closes the door, I lean over the bed and locate my clothes. I pull them all on and sit fully clothed on his bed until he returns.
He is clean. I am not.
I ask to use his washroom and clean myself up as best I can. I’m tender and sore, and I definitely feel different now. But not in the ways I thought.
***
Casper finds a parking spot in the open field. It’s packed with cars already and is separated from the fairgrounds by a thick strip of fir trees.
I step out of the car and immediately get blasted by the atmosphere of the fair. The sky is lit up with midway lights, and music drifts over along with laughter and screams. Smells drift in the air, crawling over each other, competing for prominence, from the pleasant scent of greasy foods cooking to the stench of horse poop on the ground.
Casper comes round and puts an arm around my shoulder. I cross my arms but lean awkwardly closer to him, wanting to feel special and connected to him instead of lonely and shamed. He starts in with a story about his dad and him and the first horse they ever entered in a rodeo as we walk toward the fair entrance.
When we pass the trees, someone calls his name. Casper immediately drops his arm from my shoulder. He waves at some guy I don’t recognize. I shiver and pull my sweater tighter around me, trying to pretend it doesn’t matter. He calls to the boy but doesn’t introduce me, even when he catches up and walks on Casper’s other side.
I shrink into myself a bit. When we reach the front gates, Casper is still deep in conversation and isn’t acknowledging me.
Don’t mind me. I just lost my virginity with you, no big deal.
I walk away from him, find an open kiosk window, and buy myself a ticket to get in.
“Hey.” Casper walks up behind me as the women hands me change.
“I was going to pay for you.” He buys a ticket for himself but doesn’t offer to pay me back.
I walk ahead of him inside the gate, and he follows me. In a few more steps, I find out that almost every person in Tadita is packed onto the grounds. It’s already dark, and lights flare out and sparkle from rides and food stands and game booths. Bodies swarm everywhere. Loud voices compete with music from rides and the calls of carnies. We walk into a swarm of people scurrying around game and food vendors.
A bell starts ringing behind me, and I swivel for a minute to watch a man hold up his hands in victory. When I turn back, Casper is gone. I stand on my tiptoes, looking around to see if I can spot him. There are crowds of people moving in and out, but no white-blond hair and skinny jeans.
“Great,” I mumble to myself. My phone is in my pocket and I know I can text him, but I take a quick look around, searching first.
I’m jolted by a body slamming into the side of me and grunt out as an elbow pokes me in the ribs.
“Well look who’s here all by herself. What’s the matter, you kill off all your friends?” Kaitlin stands in front of me, her hip jutted out, flanked by two equally tall girlfriends. They’re all wearing short skirts with black tights and tall black boots. She’s holding a stick with a big puff of pink cotton candy on it.
She flips her curly hair over her shoulder, looking down her nose at me like I’m the grease on the bottom of the corndog fryer and nibbles at her frothy pink candy. The way her tongue darts out reminds me of Fredrick.
“Oh, oops, do you even have friends? You here with your daddy?” She glances around, more than likely to see if she needs to back off due to parental protection.
“I’m here with Casper,” I say, and even the words sound wrong on my lips. I glance around, hoping he’ll magically materialize.
“Casper?” She stops pulling pieces off her cotton candy, looks around, and then stares at me, her eyes wide open. “He ditch you already?” She starts to laugh, and her friends join in, but then she narrows her eyes. “You’d think that you’d learn to leave guys alone. But, no. First you off Alex, now you’re with Casper? And yet somehow you still feel the need to keep trying to mess with Zee?”
Behind me, someone’s balloon pops, and it sounds like a shotgun. I flinch, but it’s her words, not the sound that I react to. The words dangle in the fragrant air. I wish the fairground would open under my feet and swallow me up like in a good horror movie. Suck me down into the dirt and fill and reclose over me.
“I’m not messing with Zee,” I say quietly. I can’t defend myself about Casper.
Kaitlin nibbles at her cotton candy and glares at me. “No? Well you certainly messed things up by killing his best friend.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m so sick of Zee going on and on about how much Chloe needs him. God knows she’s been waiting for a chance to get to Zee, and now the little bitch has the perfect excuse.”
I take a small step back from her and shake my head. “You honestly think she’d use her brother’s death to get a guy?”
Cutting me down is one thing, but is she for real about Chloe? Behind me I hear the clicking of a game wheel slow down and come to a stop. “Be mad at me if that makes you feel better, but show Chloe some respect.”
“Whatever.” Kaitlin narrows her eyes. “I know it bugs you too. I’ve seen the way you look at Zee. Even that night. You kissed Alex, but you wanted Zee.” Her friends bob their heads in agreement, as if they had been there. My hands clench into fists. It may hurt, but I would never blame Chloe for being with Zee. “Shut up, Kaitlin,” I tell her.
She steps forward
and shoves me with her free hand. Hard.
I stumble back and almost land on top of a little boy standing with his mom, clutching a tiny stuffed animal. He starts to cry, and I apologize profusely to him and his mom while Kaitlin and her friends laugh in the background.
“Klutz,” one of the girls calls. The mother shoots her a dirty look, bends down to pick up her little boy, and turns away from us.
“What’s going on?” says a deep voice behind me.
Kaitlin’s face changes. I glance back and Zee is right behind me. He’s holding a white bag filled with little doughnuts. He’s got on his Titans jacket, and the black and blue makes his hair shine and his eyes light up.
“I saw you shove Sam. What’s up, Kaitlin?”
She bats her eyes at him. “Nothing.”
She turns to me and glares, but when she looks at Zee she smiles and flutters her eyes again. “She was saying some rude stuff about Alex and Chloe. I got mad so I pushed her. Not hard. She’s not very coordinated.”
She shrugs, and my mouth opens, but before I form any words, Zee says, “Bullshit. Why don’t you and your friends go and leave Sam alone.”
Her flirty look disappears, and she scowls at him. “Whatever.” She glances at me, and I see in her eyes that she knows she blew it. And that she blames me again. She tosses her cotton candy at my feet. “You’re both losers.” She stalks away, her friends close behind her, and quickly get swallowed up by the crowd.
“You okay?” Zee asks, popping an entire little doughnut in his mouth. A flashing light from a ride makes his face blue.
“I’m fine.” I look down at my boots and step off the cotton candy that’s already picked up torn tickets and bits of popcorn from the pavement.
He glances around. “Where’s Casper?”
“Uh. I lost him. Where’s Chloe?”
“She’s in the bathroom.” His expression changes to a scowl. “You should stay lost. From Casper.”
I frown and look around. “Didn’t you used to be friends?”
“He was always more Alex’s friend than mine. He’s a little too much for me. Alex never saw it.”
I search the crowd, but with all the lights and people it’s blurry and overpowering. Hawkers call out for gamers, change rattles, and lights flash. My senses are going into overload.
“Kaitlin’s got issues. Don’t let her get to you.” He holds out his bag to offer me a doughnut, but I shake my head. The thought of the grease and sugar make my stomach squirm.
I stick my hand in my sweater pocket for my cell phone and pull it out. I need to text Casper. Get out of here.
“I wish you’d stay away from Casper,” he says again. He pops another doughnut in his mouth, watching my face as he chews.
“It’s not really your business,” I say, keeping my eyes on my phone. “Those doughnuts part of your nutritional plan for the state finals?” The whole night has turned into one big mistake. I’m here with a guy I don’t want to be with. I did something with him I shouldn’t have done. Nothing feels right. I want to go home.
“At least I’m on a plan. And you’re right,” Zee answers. “It isn’t my business.” He looks like he’s about to say more, but a little girl starts tugging on his jacket.
“Hi!” she says. She’s about six, and there are two other little girls with her, holding her hand. They’re all staring up at Zee with nothing short of worship.
His features soften, and he smiles. It lights up his whole face. His entire body changes. “Hey!” he says. “Ciara, Carly, and Cede. My favorite swimmers.” He rumples the hair of one girl, and then he holds up his fist and another girl pounds it and giggles hard. My heart melts as they smile and wiggle happily while Zee makes a fuss over them. A woman walks up beside us. She glances at me and smiles and then focuses on Zee.
“Hi, Zee. The girls spotted you and insisted on coming over to say hi.” She glances at me again, as if she thinks she knows me from somewhere but isn’t sure where.
“Hey, Mrs. MacLeod.” He charms the little girls until the mom shoos them off and pushes them the other way.
Zee bends at the waist with an elaborate bow as they leave. I recognize the smile. He used to smile at me like that. The girls skip happily off, still holding hands and full of excitement about their Zee spotting.
“Zee?” Chloe comes up beside him. “Hey, Sam.” She smiles. I kind of want to hate her for being with Zee. But I can’t. Chloe glances at Zee and then at me with an unasked question on her face.
“Hi,” I say.
“There you are!” Casper runs up from the other side and puts a hand on my waist. “Guess who I found?” He spots Zee and Chloe standing with me and drops his hand faster than a photo-finish swim race.
“Zee,” he says but he’s looking at Chloe. “How you doing?” he asks in a softer voice.
Taylor clomps up behind Casper and squeals. She’s dragging Justin by the hand, and he grins at all of us good naturedly.
“Finally!” Taylor shouts. “Where the heck were you kids earlier?”
My face burns, but it’s dark enough I hope no one notices.
Casper clears his throat, and Chloe glances around like she wants to leave. Zee is watching me.
“Yay! The gang’s all here!” Taylor shouts.
Chloe spins then and whizzes off into the crowd. Zee glances at me for another split second and then takes off after her.
Taylor stares at the spot they just left. “What?”
I twist my braid, watching them go. I can guess Chloe’s reaction. Her brother was part of the gang. But he’s not here anymore.
“Taylor,” Casper says. “Just once you should try thinking before you talk.”
“Hey,” Justin says. “Back off. She didn’t mean anything.”
Taylor’s expression drops as she rethinks her words, and then she thumps her forehead with her hand. “Crap. I did not mean to upset her.”
Casper stares off in the direction Zee and Chloe took. But then he turns to me, glances at Taylor, and shrugs. “Sorry,” he says to her. “I know you didn’t mean anything.”
Justin pulls Taylor in, gives her a big hug, and then spins her around in a circle by her hand. “Okay! Let’s get this party started. You want to go on some rides?”
Taylor giggles. “No! Justin you have the stomach of a two-year-old.” She grins at me. “He’ll throw up all over me.”
“I will not!” The two of them wrestle and fake argue and then link hands.
“Come on!” Taylor calls, and they start walking.
They’re so cute and affectionate. Casper and I follow silently behind them. He sticks his hands in his front pockets. I don’t really want him to hold my hand but wonder why he doesn’t even try. Is that too intimate for him? Never mind what happened between us earlier? PDA is unacceptable?
Taylor stops, and we catch up to them. “Why don’t you two go try to win us a stuffed animal at that ball-throwing game?” she says to Justin and Casper. “Sam and I can get some drinks. Hot chocolate?”
Justin drops her hand, pulls out his wallet, and hands her a twenty. “Sure. Or a Coke if they don’t have hot chocolate.” He turns to Casper. “You want one?” Casper nods.
“I’m all over this,” Justin says and points at a booth. “Meet us over there.” The two boys race off.
Taylor watches them go and then turns to me. “God. I can’t believe I said that to Chloe. Sometimes I say the stupidest things.”
“It’s okay. Most of the time I do really stupid things,” I tell her.
She takes my hand and squeezes it. “You okay?”
I nod as we step into a line for drinks.
A group of preteen girls runs by us screaming at the top of their lungs. A group of boys follow. She watches them for a moment. “We all just miss you at swim
ming. Finals are coming up.”
“I heard you were kicking ass.”
A drunk old man bumps into me, and I push him aside and step out of his way.
Taylor makes a face at him as he mumbles to himself and stumbles off, and then she looks at me. “I’m doing okay.”
I turn my attention on her. I poke my finger into her arm. “You always do that.”
She blinks. “What?”
“Downplay yourself. Pretend you don’t want to win. It’s okay, you know. We’re competitive. I have no problem with you kicking my ass.”
Or at least trying to, pops into my head. I stand a little straighter, surprised at myself.
Taylor chews her bottom lip. “It’s habit, I guess. My mom doesn’t think it’s dignified. To be competitive. She’d rather see me in a bikini, strutting across a stage with a spray tan and a sash across my chest.”
“Are you serious?” I ask.
“My mom did the pageant circuit. She’d love if I did too. Became more of a lady.”
“For real?” It sounds archaic and foreign.
She laughs. “I know, right? I fought hard to get her to let me swim. I have to get her out of my head.”
I bump her hip with mine. “You are totally good enough to win,” I tell her.
She shrugs again. “Not compared to you. I’m second best.”
“You’re not, Taylor.”
“Tell that to my mother.”
“Tell that to yourself,” I say.
She rolls her eyes. “Okay, Dr. Phil. I got your point.”
“I heard you were at the pool last week,” Taylor says in a low voice.
“It’s kind of hard to keep secrets in this town, isn’t it?”
She laughs. “Depends what they are.” She points at a balloon floating up in the air. “Look! A balloon!” I follow her gaze and watch it drift higher and away.
Who I Kissed Page 19