I’m stirring the white beans I put on this morning to go with the jambalaya I cooked. Momma is sitting at the bar with her phone laying in front of her, scrolling through Pinterest. Her famous dinner rolls and coconut cake are beside her.
I must have been muttering to myself because she calls out, “What, baby? What are you muttering about over there? Are you ok? How was Luka?”
I look up at her and smile. She asked me about Luka as well as Leila and Laeten when I first walked in, but I just said everyone was good.
I shrug. “Just overthinking some stuff.”
She stares at me and then props her chin in her hand while she points to the coffee pot on the counter. “I made coffee. How about you top this one off for me and make yourself a cup? Come sit and talk to me.”
I could drink a cup of coffee. Momma always has coffee on. Her house is guaranteed to have coffee in the pot, fresh coffee, no matter the time of day or night. It’s a southern thing. I used to poke fun at her for it, but she’d always tell me, “Baby, coffee is for conversation. It can be verbal or silent. I always have coffee on and I always will because I want everyone to know that I’m always here for them. They know they are always welcome to stop by, have a cup of coffee, and it’ll give them what they need. If they need to talk, we can talk over coffee. If they just need a friend to be there, we can do that, too. No conversation needed. If they’re cold, coffee can warm them up. You’ll learn one day.”
And, I did. I tend to drink coffee all day now, too. Probably too much, but I also know that should I need it, the coffee is always there. Coffee is more than liquid love, it’s knowing that someone cares. All the time. And if you need them, they’ll be there. Sometimes, you don’t even drink the coffee, but the coffee brings you together.
Setting the spoon down, I cross the kitchen and take her cup. I fill it and then my own, before setting both cups down and pulling out a bar stool. Momma looks at me and smiles as she sips her fresh cup. I do the same.
After she puts her cup down, she asks, “So, what’s going on, baby?” Her eyes search my face. “What are you overthinking in that beautiful head of yours?”
I take another sip and then grimace. “Nothing really. Everything. I don’t even know, Momma.”
Her voice is soft as she says, “Luka Fitzgerald has you all twisted in knots again, huh?!”
My eyes widen and I gasp, “What…. No… I mean… I don’t know… It’s not… Why would you think it was about Luka?”
She chuckles and covers my hand with hers. “Because, I’m your momma. It’s my job to know.” She leans back and wraps her hands around her cup. “It’s a mothers blessing and curse to know her child.” She smiles at me. “It’s always been about Luka Fitzgerald with you.”
Well, son of a bitch.
I frown. “Momma, it can’t be. I’m with Clive. I care about him… A lot. He’s perfect. He cares for me so much and he is everything I’ve ever wanted. He’s everything I deserve.” I sigh. “Things are good with us.” My eyes seek out hers for understanding. “He’s amazing… so what does it say about me that the second Luka Fitzgerald comes home, after years of not even an email… I’m all messed up again?!”
She chuckles. “Oh, baby. You can’t help who you care for. I know you care for Clive. And, you are dating Clive.
“I like Clive. I like him a lot. He’s a good man and a great catch. You two have been together almost a year now, but none of that matters if you can’t commit to him the same way he wants to commit to you.” She smiles but it’s not a happy smile. “I’m your mother. I want you to be happy. And as much as I’d like for Doctor Clive Evans to be the man for you… I just don’t see it. And I know that you don’t see it either.” Her eyes show the wisdom of her words. “Your heart has belonged to Luka Fitzgerald forever. I know that. I’ve always known that. I also know that you two were only ever friends.
“That boy was a rascal. He was a good boy, but he was never going to settle down. His dreams were his love. People like that, focus on what they want to achieve and he accomplished his dreams.
“He made it to where he wanted to be and from the things you and his parents have told me over the years, he was good at what he did… damn good… until his accident. Now, that dream has been taken off the table. The one thing he always focused on, had that tunnel vision for, well, it’s gone. He can’t do it anymore.
“You work with veterans. You know what this is going to be like for him. His entire world is now in a tailspin and the only thing I ever knew he loved was ripped away from him. So, the things that he never focused on, well, he may see them differently now.
“I’m not telling you to do or not do anything, Rea.” Her hand cups mine, over my tightly clenched fist. “You are an adult. You’re my baby, but you are an adult, a smart one, too. I don’t know exactly what’s running through that head of yours, but I know that you’ll do what’s right for you.
“So, either you’re going to have to make a real effort to stop letting Luka Fitzgerald get in there or you’re not. And whatever you decide to do, you have to think of the other people involved. You’re choices affect other people, so while I want you to always think about you first and foremost, I also know that you won’t want to hurt anyone else.”
I sigh, “Well, ok then. You got all of that from me saying that I was slightly messed up at Luka being home?!”
She laughs. “I read between the lines.” She points to her head. “It’s that momma thing.”
Laying my forehead in my hands, I groan.
Well, screw me six ways from Sunday.
Luka
Dinner was good. I picked at it, but my appetite isn’t fully back yet and I’m just so tired. Rea arrived about an hour ago, with the boyfriend, I’ve heard so much about, in tow, and my family, she, and her boyfriend all ate the food she and her momma had prepared for me. For me being home…
Home… where everything is the same and everything is different. I’m different.
Luckily, Daddy was able to get a wheelchair from the hospital, he works at, for me to use until mine comes in. I’m really hoping that the wheelchair is a very temporary thing for me. My doctors at the base let me know my options and as soon as my leg is fully healed, probably another couple of weeks, I’ll be fitted for a prosthesis. Of course, I’ll need therapy to strengthen the muscles that have been only slightly worked over the past almost eight weeks. And then I’ll need to learn how to walk with the prosthetic leg.
Is that all it’s been? It seems so short… and so long…
It’s so hard to believe that just under two months ago, I was overseas, doing what I was born to do. What I’ve always wanted to do. What I thought I’d do forever or at least until I was too old to be good at it anymore.
I was a Marine… no, dammit, I was a fucking Raider. I was one of the elite. I made choices and was assigned to the missions that really mattered. The super dangerous stuff. The things I did affected a lot of people. It kept my country and those I loved safe. While I risked my neck without a second thought, I did it willingly and eagerly because my doing that… my doing that protected others.
And now… now, I’m useless. I’m not a Marine. I’m not a Raider. That life I worked so hard for, that I sacrificed everything for, gladly, so it didn’t seem like such a sacrifice, well, that’s gone. Now, I’m just a fucking former Raider, injured in the field, disabled and unable to do what I love… and I have nothing to show for it. Sure, I can reminisce on the missions, the details, the patches and insignia on my uniform… but that’s all it is…
Now… now, I’m nothing.
My parents have cleared out the dining room and created a bedroom for me downstairs. After all, it’s not like I can get my damn wheelchair up the stairs. Laeten is talking about renting his apartment in New Orleans out and moving back home, into the small house he has near LSU, now. Some college kids are renting it for the semester, but he said they were late on their rent anyway. Leila offered me a room at her house, but
I refuse to take her up on that offer and burden her with a disabled brother.
So, here I’ll be… twenty-seven years old and back living with my parents, dependent on them and my siblings to get me to and from where I need to go. My appointments, physical therapies, and mandated therapy sessions start in six days. My life will be nothing but appointments. Doctors, therapists, nurses, and psychiatrists and counselors are all I have to look forward to.
Everyone is here and they are so happy that I’m home and I’m alive. I’m glad they’re so damn happy, but I don’t want to do this shit right now. I’m exhausted. My whole body hurts and I need to pee. Something else I’m probably too fucking tired to do on my own at this point.
I just want them to shut up and leave. I want to go in my room and take something to help me sleep, then I want to sleep for days!
But, that won’t happen.
Because, I’m being celebrated like I’m some goddamn hero.
Shut up, just shut up! All of you!
It takes me a second to realize that the room is deathly quiet and everyone is staring at me slack jawed.
Why are they fucking staring at me?
Son of a bitch…
I snap, “I said that out loud?”
My mom’s face is white as she stares at me. My dad is glaring, but he looks upset. Laeten is frowning at me and his eyes are asking me what’s wrong. Leila’s jaw is practically touching her chest. Rea looks shocked and her cheeks are pink… and then, there’s the guy I don’t know. Rea’s boyfriend, the fucking perfect doctor, looking very uncomfortable.
Why the hell is he even here? Why would he be here at my apparent “Welcome Home” dinner?
I DON’T KNOW HIM!
Laeten is the one who speaks. “What the hell, Luka? Ok, you’re obviously exhausted, but seriously?!”
I glare at him without looking around the table again. I don’t want to see everyone else right now. I don’t want to see the censure and disappointment on my family’s faces. “I have to take a wizz. Can you please help me to the bathroom, Laeten?”
My Dad stands, “I’ll help you, son. Look, I know things are different and we’re all making adjustments here. But we’re glad you’re home. We love you and we’re glad you’re here and alive. The surliness we can deal with, but you remember the manners you were brought up with.”
Great, now I’m being reprimanded at the dinner table by my father in front of my siblings and Rea… and her perfect ass boyfriend.
Why do I keep calling him that?
I don’t even know him. He’s obviously a good dude. Rea is with him.
Why the hell is that pissing me off so badly?
Nodding, I make eye contact with everyone at the table, one by one, as I reply, “You’re right. And I’m sorry. I’m just tired. The traveling and all were just a bit much today. But, I shouldn’t be rude to y’all. You’re here because you love me and I’m grateful and appreciative of that.” My eyes stay on Rea’s as I say the last part. I refuse to look away.
Her eyes widen and her mouth forms a small “o”.
Finally, she clears her throat and says, “We all care about you, Luka.” She hurriedly stands and her boyfriend, what was his name, stands to help move her chair. She smiles at him and the urge to grab my butter knife and fling it at his jugular overcomes me.
What is wrong with you?
Jesus!
I say nothing as she says, “We’d better be heading out anyway. It’s getting late.”
Everyone thanks her and tells her to also thank her mom for dinner. I nod. “Yes, thank you. It was delicious.”
Her boyfriend says goodnight to everyone, who apparently do know him, before he looks at me. “It was good to finally meet you, Luka. I’ve heard many, many stories about you so it’s nice to actually meet the man behind the fame. We’ll be seeing you at the clinic next week I believe?”
I nod, “Yup.” Before looking at my dad, “I need that bathroom, Dad.” Backing myself away from the table, I turn away as Rea and her boyfriend leave.
My dad grabs the chair handles and takes over. We hear the front door close and I hear him sigh.
Chapter Nine
Rea
Two days later
My phone rang a few minutes ago and Leila is pleading with me. “I hate to ask, Rea. But Mom and Dad are in New Orleans with Laeten, trying to get him all packed up and ready to move back to his place here. And I don’t want to go around him since this damn illness sprung up on me so fast. If it’s the flu, you know I’m the most contagious right now and with his still recovering and all…” She sighs. “If you can’t, that’s totally ok. He’ll be there alone for a few hours, that’s all. I just know he won’t eat and his attitude is atrocious. So, he probably won’t even leave his room. Yeah, he’ll be fine…”
Dammit. Of course I’m not going to leave Luka at his parents’ house alone. He’ll be fine. He’s an adult, not a child, but his burst of anger at dinner Friday night was just so out of character for him.
Leila says his mood has not improved since then.
He’s dealing with everything the only way he knows how, with anger, and I know that it’s eating him up that he’s being such a bear because he can’t really get around by himself yet.
I nod, though Leila can’t see me through the phone. “Of course I’ll go keep him company. He probably won’t be very happy about it, but I’m going.” I sigh. “I just need to call Clive and tell him that I can’t make the brunch at his parent’s house.”
You know you’re relieved about that anyway, Rea! This dinner is a big deal and he’s going to be really disappointed.
He’s been wanting me to meet his extended family for a few months now, but I have always been able to come up with a reason not to. Today is his grandmother’s seventy-fifth birthday, so everyone will be there. I’ve met his parents and he’s met mine. But this is like… everyone. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc…
Dammit! He likes me enough to want me to meet those the most important to him. But I know that we’re not there… I don’t know if we’ll ever be there if I’m being honest… or, I know I won’t.
Especially not now.
Leila cusses, “Shit! I’m sorry. I completely forgot that was today. No, you go. Luka will be ok.
“You need to go to the family thing with Clive. He’s your man.
“I’m sorry I forgot...”
But, I interrupt her. “No, it’s ok. He’ll understand. He understands everything and he knows that Luka is having a rough go.”
He does.
Friday night, we left after Luka’s outburst. Clive didn’t say a word about it, which is so like him, but as he drove back to my place from the Fitzgerald’s, I brought it up. “I’m sorry about the way Luka acted… He was never like that.”
He looked over at me and smiled before reaching for my hand as he focused back on the road. “It’s ok.” I shook my head and was about to apologize again, but he didn’t let me. “It’s really ok, Rea. He’s home after something pretty traumatic. He has PTSD. Of course he’s going to have bouts of rage. His treatments will help him learn to cope and eventually he WILL be back to the old Luka that y’all loved.” He caught himself and grimaced. I saw because my eyes were watching his handsome profile. “Well, obviously he won’t be exactly like the old Luka. Because he’s not the old Luka. He’s grown and matured. He’s seen things and probably done things.” He looked over at me again and his hand tightened on mine. “But the things that made you all love him before this happened… those are still there. They’re just buried beneath the anger and frustration right now. He’s probably blaming himself for what happened.” His lips lift in a sad smile. “I know some of how he’s feeling. When I was a field doctor, I blamed myself a lot for the ones I couldn’t save. I even rationally knew that it wasn’t my fault, but it didn’t stop the self-reproach.” He squeezed my hand again. “He WILL be ok, Rea. He’s tough. I saw it tonight. He’s tough and that is goi
ng to be his blessing and curse as he learns to accept his new life. All you can do as someone who loves him is love him and be the great friend you always were. Between his family and you, he’ll see the light.”
I felt so guilty. That was my perfect opportunity to tell him that the love he thought I had for Luka wasn’t right. I absolutely love Luka and I’ll always be there for him, but my love for him is so much deeper than Clive knew.
I didn’t say anything though. I just squeezed his hand back and when he asked if I wanted him to come in for the night, I said I was exhausted.
I WAS exhausted, but I also didn’t want to invite my boyfriend into my home for the night when my thoughts were so focused on another man… a man he knew was in my life, but not the extent of it.
He kissed me softly and told me to get some rest and he’d see me the next day and then reminded me about the brunch today… the brunch I’m about to back out of.
Leila is trying to convince me that Luka will be ok and I should go with Clive. But, I stand firm. After hanging up with her a short time later, I call Clive. He’s very understanding about why I’m not coming, but I can hear the disappointment in his voice.
Rea, you need to tell him the truth.
Not right now. I don’t want to drop that bomb on him before he heads to a joyous family gathering. That would be selfish of me.
Would it now? Would it really?
Oh, shut up.
I once again lie to myself about why I’m not telling Clive.
It takes me about twenty minutes to get ready to head over to Luka’s. I bet he doesn’t know I’m coming, so I can only guess what his reaction will be.
The entire drive from my place to the Fitzgerald’s is only about seven minutes. I bought a house in the neighborhood adjacent to the one we grew up in. Glancing at my phone, I debate on calling my momma to let her know that I’ll be across the street from their house. If they’re working out in the yard, readying the flower beds for spring, or even if they come or go while I’m there, they’ll see my car.
I’ll just text her when I get there.
Help Our Heroes: A Military Charity Anthology Page 48