What? Is he serious?
Disgusting?
Pity Foreplay?
That is NOT true.
Luka
Rage and humiliation are burning through me as I stare at the ceiling, I can’t bear to look at Rea again.
Rea tripped because of me. I was so afraid she’d hurt herself. At that moment, I completely forgot that I couldn’t stand. I made a fool of myself and then I fell on top of her. I was so worried about her… I just had to make certain she was ok.
And then, she caught me.
I saw her roll to keep me from landing on the floor. Thank God, I was able to catch some of my weight. I could have really hurt her.
But that kiss… that passion.
That was real. I’ve known her for over twenty-five years and I know that she meant it.
That wasn’t a pity kiss. Her hands were all over me and she was losing herself, just like I was.
She stopped though. And I lashed out.
That’s all I do now. I lash out at those who mean the most to me.
Glancing over at her, I see she’s sitting on her knees, looking at me with no color in her face. Her mouth is swollen. Her cheeks, chin, and neck have marks from my beard. But her eyes... I put that look there.
DAMMIT!
Her hand falls from her hair where she’s twisting it and she looks at me. “Luka, I don’t pity you. I don’t find you disgusting…” She looks away from me and at the wall. Her hands knot in the material of her sweater and she takes deep breaths. Finally, she looks back at me. “You know I don’t. I could never…” Her lip is sucked into her mouth and then she releases it and my eyes are glued to the spot. “But, I can’t be with you… not like this…”
My heart pangs and my stomach knots.
“I can’t be that woman that cheats on a wonderful man who adores her…”
Son of a bitch. Yeah, she’s not a cheater… but she kissed me. Ok, so her boyfriend is wonderful, yet, she’s here with me, right now. She was just kissing me.
I nod and roll to lean on one elbow as I face her. “Understood. And, I agree. That’s not you. That’s not your nature. But, here you are, Rea. And you kissed me.”
She nods at me and one corner of her mouth turns up, but it’s not a happy twist. “I did… but that doesn’t change the fact that Clive doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.”
Dammit!
Of course he doesn’t. But, now that I’ve kissed you, Rea, I don’t plan on stopping.
Yet, that’s not your right, Luka.
She’s dating another man! She’s happy. And here you are, a total asshole to be around, only half a man, and treating her like shit…
I don’t deserve her.
I know the right thing to do and I hear her and myself. She’s right and I don’t deserve her.
That doesn’t mean I don’t want her. Or that I have to be happy about the fact that she’s off limits.
I struggle on my elbow and use the muscles in my core that I’ve been working so hard on to try to pull myself to sit. She sees what I’m trying to do and reaches for me, but I slap her hand away and growl, “No. I don’t need your help. Let me do it!”
Her lips thin and her eyes harden, but she leans back. She watches me the entire time. Finally, I’m able to sit. I’m sweaty and my body is spent, but I did it. I look at her and raise my brows like, “! See, I did it.”
She smirks. “Proud of yourself?”
I grunt. “Yeah, actually, I am.”
We stare at each other for a while and then both of us just smile. It’s a great feeling. I did it. Alone. Sure, it’s just sitting upright from the floor, but, I did it. And she saw me, offering her support. Like she always has.
Always…
The urge to lean over and kiss her again comes on so suddenly, I almost give in. But I don’t. Instead, I look at the crutch that’s responsible for both of us being on the floor. Rea follows my gaze. Her brow arches and I nod, “Yeah, I don’t think I can do that by myself. At least not yet, but I will.” He sighs, “Will you help me up, Rea?”
God, that was so hard to do.
To ask for help with something as simple as standing up…
But, it’s Rea.
She’s always there.
She always has been…
Her eyes crinkle at the corners as she smiles at me and nods. “Of course I will, Luka.” Gracefully, she stands and walks over to me. She leans over to pick up the crutch as I hand it to her and leans it against the weight bench Laeten and my dad moved in here so I could work on my strength in private. Then, she smiles down at me and says, “Ok, champ, let’s do this. I’ll grab you under the arms and you use your leg to push up, ok? They’ll probably start working on that with you in therapy.” She leans down as she’s talking and only stops when she’s in front of my face. Her arms slip under my arms and she helps me position myself to push up with my arms and put weight on my leg.
She’s in nurse mode right now and determination is written all over her face. She looks into my eyes once she sees me position my foot. “On three, I’m going to pull and you push, ok?”
I hear her, but I can’t make out what she’s saying as I stare into the blue of her eyes. They’re swirling and this close to her, I can make out what appear to be golden specs in them. I feel like they’re hypnotizing me.
She slightly shakes me and I snap back to reality. “Luka, are you ok?”
I nod and grit my teeth. “I am, Rea. I’m ready when you are.”
Her eyes search my face, but I cover my feelings and try to leave it blank. She smiles at me and I grin back. Then, she counts. “Ok, on three… one… two… three.”
Her slight but strong body lifts as I concentrate and focus on my leg. I hop once when I’m upright and she reaches for my crutch. She slips it to me and I exhale as I slide it under my arm. It’s not comfortable at all. But, I’m standing.
Rea steps back so she can look at me. Happiness and pride are radiating from her eyes. She claps. “Look at you!” Her eyes narrow on me. “So, if you can do this… why is Leila telling me you’re refusing to use your crutches?!” Her arms cross over her chest and my eyes drift to the cleavage it pushes up.
Stop it, Luka. Stop objectifying the gorgeous woman in the room that you cannot touch!
She chuckles and I look up. She’s looking at me sarcastically. “Really?! So now that we’ve kissed one time, you’re going to look at my chest like you’ve never noticed I’ve had one before?”
Uh, that’s not true…
I noticed. I always noticed, I just never “NOTICED” noticed.
Luka, you are such a damn idiot.
I feel my face flush and it annoys me that I’m embarrassed about being caught ogling one of my best friends. I shrug. “Well, I noticed you had tits. I’ve just never wanted to suck on them before.”
Why did I say that?!
Probably because it’s true!
Her eyes widen and her mouth falls open. “Luka!”
Ah, I see she remembers how to yell.
She’s outraged, but is that also a hint of desire I see on her face? Her chest is heaving again and her cheeks are pink.
You need to leave Rea or I’m going to forget all about respecting that boyfriend of yours. The boyfriend I want to pulverize…
I shrug again and stare at her, “You’re beautiful. You already know that I want you. You felt the evidence of that against you when we were devouring each other’s mouths. Yet, you have a boyfriend. A seemingly wonderful, perfect boyfriend who needs to be on the cover of Hot Doctor’s Weekly or some shit. You don’t want to cheat on him and realistically, I don’t want you to either, though my body and head are warring over that.
“So, you have three choices here, Rea. One, you leave. Two, you stay and the sexual tension in this room will remedy itself. Or three, you leave and get rid of that boyfriend and then come back…”
Well, there.
I just laid it out.
Point blank. I wa
nt you, Rea. If you want me, then dump the doctor.
Or she could just realize that he has much more to offer her and decide my hot and cold PTSD, half of a man isn’t enough for her…
If her mouth was open any further, it would be resting on those boobs that are fascinating me so much.
Her eyes lock with mine and she sighs. Her mouth closes and she opens it to speak. No words come out. She closes it and swallows before she tries again.
“I’m not leaving you here alone, Luka. I promised Leila I’d stay with you until your… er, family… got home.” Her eyes implore me to let what I just said go. I don’t listen.
“Ok, so you stay. But, if you stay, we’re going to talk…”
Her breath is shaky as she whispers, “Talk about what?”
I stare at her. “Everything.”
Everything, Rea… We’re going to talk about everything.
Me. You. What happened with me. What’s happening with us. And something IS happening.
Chapter Eleven
Rea
Talk? About everything?
What’s everything?
I nod and exhale shakily. My eyes are locked on Luka’s face, but I see the slight tremor in his body. My eyes focus on his hands and see the hand on the crutch is white-knuckling it.
Standing like this is exhausting him.
“Ok, I’ll stay and we’ll talk. About whatever you want. But you need to sit down before you fall again.”
I’m expecting an argument just because he’s stubborn and won’t like being told what to do. But, he just jerks his chin and slowly turns to hobble back over to his bed. I watch him as both a woman who cares about him, probably far too much, and a nurse looking out for his physical and mental well-being. His gait is slow, but he’s pretty good with the crutch. He must be practicing in the privacy of his room. He sets the crutch next to the wheelchair and rests both palms on his mattress before turning his body and bending to sit gingerly. He’s out of breath when he looks up and catches me watching him. He smirks. “Were you checking out my ass, Rea?” do it
My eyes roll and I chuckle at him. “No. I most certainly was not.”
He laughs out loud and I glare at him as he mutters, “Liar.”
Shaking my head, I cross the room and glance at the bed uncertainly before looking at the wheelchair.
Nope. Not sitting on the bed with him. Because my will is seriously being tested right now and I’m not doing that… at least not today… I certainly hope we do it some other time… soon even.
Not until you talk to Clive!
I cough to stem my unruly thoughts and slide into the wheelchair. Luka’s brow raises. “You don’t have to sit in that thing.”
Shaking my head, I mutter, “Oh, yeah, I do.”
A huge grin covers his face and my stomach does somersaults.
Gah, that smile… Luka was stationed overseas.
How the hell did that smile not bring peace to the Middle East?!
That smile and that face… Hell, I’m about to surrender all of my morals…
Nope! No, you are not.
That’s the smile I remember… the smile I wasn’t sure I’d see again. But, there it is…
Oh shit.
I roll my eyes again before frowning at him, but it’s only to cover a smile. He isn’t fooled. It takes him a minute, but he settles on the bed by propping his back against the headboard. He asks, “You sure you don’t want to sit up here with me? It’s a hell of a lot more comfortable than that piece of crap?” He grimaces at the chair before looking at me again. “I’ll behave. I promise, Rea.”
My heart pitter patters at his sincerity.
I don’t doubt he’ll behave. He’s an honorable man. My fear isn’t him… it’s me.
I put off talking to Clive and put it off and now I’m so wishing I hadn’t done that… but, I did. And, I’m not going to betray him.
Hell, it’s bad enough I kissed Luka.
My heart and body are both just screaming at me that it’s been my dream for forever, so what the hell am I waiting for?! But, my head knows that I can’t.
Not yet.
I settle back in the chair and lace my fingers on my lap. “I’m fine over here. It’s not uncomfortable.”
Luka’s eyes are knowing, but he doesn’t push. “Ok, if you say so. I’ve spent enough time in that damn contraption to know you’re lying, but whatever.”
I chuckle at his sarcasm. “I’m good, Luka. So, you wanted to talk… let’s talk. You start.”
His eyes widen and then he nods. He takes a minute and then he says, “Can I tell you what happened?” He gestures at himself and grimaces. My breathing catches.
He wants to voluntarily talk about his injuries? I’m not a psychologist, but I know enough about PTSD from working at the VA that I know just volunteering the info isn’t all that common.
I’m breathy as I say, “Luka, you don’t have to… I know that has to be incredibly hard for you…” His expression is wry as I continue. “I mean, if you want to, you can, but are you sure you don’t want to talk to your family… Laeten, Leila… you parents?!”
His eyes never leave mine. “Rea, there is no one I want to tell… but you.”
Oh, shit…
Well, ok then…
I nod. “Ok… then, of course, you can.”
He sighs and looks at the stub of his leg. I follow his gaze and try to see it as he must be seeing it. Where once was a strong and muscular thigh and then a scarred knee from his many falls as a kid, led down to an equally muscled calf, strong ankles, and a foot. And now, it’s just a thigh with a scar that must vividly remind him of what used to be.
He says slowly, “You know I can still feel it sometimes?!”
My forehead creases as I reach out to cover his hand with mine. His scarred, calloused, tanned skin is a stark contrast to my paler white one. Mine aren’t smooth since I work at the clinic and I wash my hands so much, but they’re softer than his are.
My palm closes over the top of his fisted one on the sheet top. It’s a simple gesture to say, “I’m here. Whatever you need from me. I’m here.”
He looks at me and I angle my head and smile at him. “Feel what, Luka? Your leg?”
He nods again and his hand turns underneath mine to lace our fingers together as our eyes lock. “Yeah. Not all the time and I know it’s not there… but sometimes… sometimes it feels like it is. It’s crazy. I feel my leg and then I look… and it’s not there.”
“Yeah, that’s common. It’s called phantom feeling. They should have explained it to you in the hospital. Did they?”
He looks away and stares at the empty space beneath his thigh. “They did. It’s just weird.”
Ok, this is nice. This is like when we were kids. We could talk about anything. Well, not anything. I never wanted to hear anything about his dates or girlfriends and I never talked about my handful of dates except with Leila… and occasionally Laeten.
Never Luka. That topic was off limits.
A hard limit.
Luka
Luka, why are you stalling?
You wanted to talk to Rea about that day, yet now… I can’t. I don’t know how to start.
Rea is holding my hand and it’s giving me strength. There’s nothing romantic in it, it’s just simple human comfort and companionship.
This is the way it’s always been between us.
She’s always been there and I’ve always just expected her to be. Take now for example. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in far too long. I broke off contact so I could focus on my military career, my dreams… I never forgot about her, but I honestly never stopped to actively think about her either.
Sure, I’d ask my parents or siblings how she was when I’d talk to them, but I could have just as easily reached out to her… I could have spoken to her and checked in.
I didn’t want to… And now I’m realizing it was because maybe I knew she was always more than just a friend. And that would have
been a distraction…
Yet, here she is. I came home, broken and angry, and she’s here… she has a boyfriend that I’m pretty certain is in love with her, yet she’s here with me.
I’m such a selfish asshole.
Just like when we were younger… I counted on her but I was never there FOR her.
Instead of being there for her and allowing her to be with a man much better for her than me, here I am, asking her to stay… to listen to me… to take on my burdens… to choose me…
I’m not doing that.
For the first time ever, I’m going to do what’s right for her.
Watching the wall, I unlink our fingers and jerk my hand away. I can tell it startles her. She gasps, “Luka? What’s wrong?”
My eyes turn and meet hers. It’s taking everything in me to make them as cold as I need them to be. She jerks back. “What’s wrong? What happened? Are you ok?”
My voice is gravelly as I snap at her. “Everything is fine, Rea. I don’t need you to fix me. You did that enough as a kid. You were always there… bandaging me up, coddling me, following me around.”
I have to push her away. And I know that the only way to do that is to hurt her.
“Is that why you’re here now, Rea? Did you love me back then? Do, you want to save me now?”
Of course she loved me. We’re friends. We’ve always been friends.
I laugh harshly, “I didn’t need you then and I don’t need you now…” She gasps.
“I don’t know why you’re here… I’ve been in the desert and the hospital for a long time. For a long time, I was medicated and immobile and now I’m not.” I look at the chair she’s sitting in and the crutch beside it. “Well, not entirely. But parts of me that have been ignored for a long time are now waking up.” I point at my groin. “You’re the first pretty girl that I’ve had contact with in any way other than a medical capacity. Of course my dick woke up. And he’s more than happy to show you that he works just fine… but then again, pretty much anything, including a waft of air could raise my flag right now.”
Help Our Heroes: A Military Charity Anthology Page 50