by Jillian Hart
Oh yeah, it was another night in a long string of countless nights without much sleep to speak of. His eyes were gritty, his mind numb and his back muscles aching from the sagging mattress. By the time he’d stepped into the shower, he was already resigned and so the fact that the water stayed cold even when he’d turned the knob to full force hot didn’t bother him so much.
These days not much did. His single duffel bag was ready to go and waiting by the door. He never bothered to unpack. When he was dried off and dressed, he tossed his toothbrush and half-rolled tube of toothpaste into the bag’s side pocket. He then added his unused razor. He scraped a hand over his two-day stubble—not too long to itch yet and he didn’t care if he looked a little on the scruffy side.
He squinted into the mirror as he zipped up the duffel. The man who looked back at him had the weary look of a drifter. The worn-down-to-the-nub soul he’d seen in so many of the homeless men he’d treated when they had stumbled into his emergency room.
He winced. Any thoughts of his old life brought up the beginnings of a pain so black, it would drown him. Or, maybe it already had, he reasoned as he looked away from the man in the mirror and slung the battered bag over his shoulder.
The stranger staring back at him didn’t resemble Dr. Heath Murdock, not in any way. He was no longer the vascular surgeon with a specialty in trauma medicine, who could handle any crisis, any unspeakable catastrophe with the calm steady confidence of a man born to save lives.
What he couldn’t stand to think about were the lives he’d failed to save.
So he headed out into the morning and welcomed the crisp bite to the early-spring air. The cheerful sun burned his eyes. Blinking hard, he ambled along the cracked sidewalk, uneven from the towering maples lining the parking lot, their roots exposed like old arthritic fingers digging into the dirt.
Head down, he dropped the room key off at the front desk where a tired woman in brown polyester mumbled thanks without looking up at him. He saw a home dye job and graying roots. The deep creases in the woman’s face were testimony of too many decades of hard living and heartbreak.
Yeah, he knew. He unlocked the passenger door of the old pickup. The truck used to be his granddad’s. Faint memories of sunny days riding around the Iowa farm with his grandpop washed through him.
Good times. Times he could tolerate thinking about. He dropped the duffel on the passenger floor, where decades of boots had worn scuffs. Tiny bits of straw and dried grass seed remained dug deep into the grooves around the door. The distant voices of long ago echoed for one brief moment—Grandpop, when I grow up I’m gonna be just like you!… Lord I hope so, son, ’cuz there ain’t nothin’ better than bein’ a cowboy.
The voices silenced as he slammed the door hard and breathed in the scented air.
There was hay and alfalfa growing next door in fields that rolled out of sight. The faint scent of irrigation made him feel like breathing in a little more deeply. When he pulled out his wallet, there were no pictures inside and no credit cards. There was nothing but a driver’s license and insurance card and, tucked between the two, his social security number.
Not that the jobs he’d been working lately had required legal ID.
He checked the thin bills—forty-six bucks left. That wouldn’t get him far. Looked like it was time to think about working for a while. This town with dust settling on the main drag through town—only one pickup had bothered to drive past this early in the morning—didn’t look like a hopping place…and that was just about his speed these days.
Across the parking lot he recognized an older model compact car, neat and clean and familiar. The waitress. He watched as she hopped out of the vehicle. She was wearing jeans and a red T-shirt that was baggy more than it was form-fitting. Her long blond hair was still damp from a shower and dancing on the breeze.
He watched her, unable to look away, as she took two steps toward the back door, skidded to a halt on black tennis shoes, and spun. She scurried back to her car, muttering to herself as if in great frustration. She hadn’t locked her car, so it took only a moment to yank it open. Then she bent down and he couldn’t see her beneath the door.
He leaned his forearms on the truck bed and watched as she bobbed up into sight. Her hair was more disheveled and she was muttering harder to herself as if she were having a very bad morning. This time she had a small tan purse in a death grip as she paced across the parking lot, looking as if she was working up a good head of steam. Yeah, he used to have mornings like that—
In a flash, it was right at the edge of his mind, the days of rushing out of the house, leaving too much behind him undone and two shadows in the doorway he couldn’t let himself see even in memory. Breaking into pieces, he slammed the door on the past and locked it well. Some things a man couldn’t live through.
Not that he was alive. Only his heart was beating, that was all.
He hung his head, hidden behind the pickup as he heard the waitress’s rapid gait stop in midstride. He peered through his lashes, not lifting his head, to see her hesitate, looking around as if she felt him there, felt him watching her. But she didn’t spot him. Was she remembering last night and feeling jumpy? Any woman would. He hadn’t meant to make her uneasy, he just didn’t want to talk to her. He didn’t want a lot of things.
Maybe there was another place to eat in town.
He followed the alley to the front street. On the far side of the empty two-lane road, a train rumbled along the tracks hauling a long string of box containers. The bright black-and-blue paint of inner-city graffiti marked the sides of the cars, heading west, probably to the ports of Seattle or Portland.
Portland. He wondered why he even let that word into his mind.
A lone pickup, vintage fifties model, perfectly restored in a grass-green and shining chrome rolled down the street and pulled into a spot directly in front of the diner. The Open sign in the front window and the door open wide to the morning was invitation enough.
The man who climbed down from the pickup’s seat without bothering to lock up as he loped up onto the sidewalk looked to be a retired farmer. There was the look of a hard-working man to him, lean, trim and efficient. Gray-white hair fringed the blue cap he wore.
He pushed through the screen door that slapped behind him and voices rose from inside the restaurant.
“That’s what I like to see, coffee waiting….”
A woman’s lilting laughter answered.
It was all Heath could hear before a puff of wind changed direction, taking the words away. In the glint of the sparkling front window, Heath could see into the diner. He watched the man take a booth at the front window, his coffee cup full and already waiting for him. A regular customer? He probably showed up every morning now that he no longer had a farm to tend and ordered the same breakfast.
It was early yet, but the rest of the main street—which was what, only four blocks long?—was as dark as could be. The only other sign of life was the flash of a neon sign newly blazing on a quaint coffee shop on the corner. Drive-through Open, it announced in cheerful blue letters.
Heath’s stomach rumbled as he debated what to do.
The whisper of a car approaching on the road had him turning around. There was no mistaking the big gray cruiser with the mounted red and blue lights and the emblem on the doors. The local law had arrived. The passenger window whispered down as the car pulled up alongside the curb. Behind the wheel was a man in uniform, as fit and as steely as only a marine could be.
Recognizing his own kind, Heath gave a salute. “Is there a problem, sir?”
From inside the cruiser, the uniformed deputy gave him a cursory look and, finding him satisfactory, saluted him in return. “We don’t get a lot of out-of-towners this time of day. Need some help, soldier?”
“I can find my way, sir.” His years in the military—there was a time Heath didn’t mind remembering.
His service in the first Desert Storm had done more than change his life. It had made
him know the true meaning of being a man. And what medicine was all about. Individuals. People. Not five years spent afterwards in one of the best hospitals in the country could change the integrity he’d learned in service to this country.
It was the only thing holding him together.
The deputy cracked a grin. “I was Marine Recon.”
“I was the doc that patched up your kind. You Special Forces guys seem to get into trouble on a regular basis.”
“I let a few of you sawbones work on me a time or two. I blame the ache in my arm on those docs. It couldn’t have been the two bullets and grenade shrapnel I caught. You wouldn’t happen to be the customer Amy McKaslin was tellin’ me about last night. You stopped her and her sister from bein’ hassled?”
“I didn’t do much. I just showed up. Did she get their license plate?”
“No. You didn’t happen to—”
Heath recited it from memory. “You look those boys up. The way they acted, it was no way to treat two real nice women.”
“Exactly.” The deputy reached for his radio. “You wouldn’t object to making a statement, would ya? I don’t take well to women being threatened in my town.”
“They skipped out on part of their bill, too.” Heath saw the lift of surprise of the officer’s brow, and knew the waitress hadn’t told the whole story. Probably because it was a matter of five dollars. “I’ll sign whatever you need me to.”
“Drop by the office after you’re done eating. It’s down past the hardware and keep going. You’ll see us.” With another salute, the deputy drove on.
Heath felt a ghost from the past—it was his own spirit. The man he used to be: whole and full of optimism and enthusiasm. Full of heart.
There wasn’t much left of that man. He didn’t recognize his reflection in the diner’s windows. He merely saw a man who looked more tired and aged instead of a vibrant, driven marine. He was like any man about to patronize a typical diner in a typical rural American town.
A bubbly waitress—not Amy—led him to the table in the back. It suited him. He had a view of the train still rolling by like an endless caravan. He ordered the special—whatever, he didn’t care—and thanked the waitress for handing him a local paper.
In his reflection in the window he caught sight of a man he used to know, just for one moment, and then it was gone like the train, the caboose slithering away and leaving a clear view of the park across the street. He stared for a long moment at the lush green grass waving in the wind.
The waitress returned with a carafe of steaming coffee, poured his cup full and dashed off with her sneakers squeaking on the clean tile. The coffee was black, had a bitter bite, and he drank it straight. He enjoyed the punch of caffeine.
He turned to the classified ads and browsed through them. The waitress returned with a huge plate stacked high with sunny-side-up eggs, sausage links, pancakes and hash browns. Just the sight of it brought back memories of his grandma’s kitchen, where the syrup was the real thing and the jam homemade.
“Do you need anything else?” the waitress asked, producing a bottle of—just as he’d predicted—real maple syrup and a canning jar of what looked like blueberry preserves.
Before he could shake his head no, she was gone, rushing off to bring coffee to the new arrivals.
Alone in the corner, he ate until he was full. He felt like the outsider he was as more people arrived, friends greeted friends and family said hello to family. Cars began to crawl down the main street, mostly obeying the speed limit.
By the time kids were walking by on their way to school, Heath was done.
He pushed the empty plate and the newspaper away. There were no temporary jobs in the local paper. Maybe there’d be something in the next town along the highway. As for the blond waitress from last night, he wasn’t disappointed over not seeing her again. He’d pay, leave a tip and be on his way. But would he think of her?
Yeah. He’d think of her. He couldn’t say why as he headed down the aisle, past families and friends gathering, past conversations and everyday average human connections. There was something about the woman and it made him wonder…
No wondering, man. No wishing. He dropped a small stack of bills on the counter and pushed through the door.
Once again losing sight of the man he used to be, he ambled down the sidewalk. He was already thinking of moving on, as weightless as the wind.
Amy spotted long-time customer Bob Brisbane through the small window of the hand-off counter. The warmer lights cast a golden hue as she squinted through the opening, standing on tiptoe to see if he was alone. He was late this morning joining his buddies, who met every morning like clockwork to share gossip over breakfast, coffee and the morning paper.
Over the background music from the local inspirational station and the din of the busy diner, she could pick up Jodi’s cheerful good morning as she poured Bob’s coffee. As the two exchanged small talk of family and last night’s storm, Amy cracked three eggs and whipped them in a bowl, with just enough milk and spices.
By the time Jodi had arrived with the order ticket, Amy already had the omelet sizzling next to a generous portion of link sausage and grated potatoes.
“Is that Mr. Winkler’s order you’ve got nearly ready?”
“Yep, just need to add the bacon—” Amy used the spatula to lift the eight blackened strips of bacon, cooked just the way kindly Mr. Winkler liked it, and added it to his order of buttermilk pancakes and two poached eggs and handed up the plate. “I think I’ve almost caught up. Who knew it’d be such a busy morning?”
“It’s the power outage. It sounds like nearly half the county was out of electricity last night, and a lot are still out this morning.” Jodi bustled away with the order.
The noise in the dining room seemed to crescendo, or maybe it was because she was trying so hard to listen for the doorbell. She’d hardly been able to sleep last night, for she was troubled not only by the weather and the stress of normal life, but also because she couldn’t get the loner out of her mind.
As she added plenty of cheese, smoked sausage, onion and jalapeños to Mr. Brisbane’s omelette—how anyone’s stomach could handle that at 6:23 a.m., she didn’t know—she thought of the loner again. Last night rewound like a movie, to the place where he’d stepped out of the storm, looking more intimidating than the lightning forking down to take out a transformer half a block away.
By standing tall, he’d stopped whatever those awful men had planned. She knew in her heart he was leaving, maybe he’d already left, but she had prayed he might stop in for breakfast before moving on. She’d been watching for him between scrambling eggs and frying bacon and browning potatoes and whipping up her family’s secret pancake recipe.
Had she seen him? No, of course not. She’d been busy, that was one problem, but there was only so much of the dining room she could see from behind the grill. Maybe he wasn’t coming. He certainly didn’t seem eager to see her last night. And she’d had the sinking feeling when he’d seemed to disappear in the storm that she’d never see him again. He’d more than likely followed the road out of town and she had responsibilities. People who counted on her. She ought to pay attention to her work—the omelet oozing melting cheese and the sausages nearly too brown.
She whisked the meat and eggs onto a clean dish, handed it up with her left hand as she turned bacon with the other. Wherever her loner was, she prayed the good he’d done for them was returned to him tenfold.
With the edge of the spatula, she scraped the grill—she liked a tidy kitchen—and studied the last meal ticket on the wheel. It looked like Mr. Whitley had shown up, the sixth member of the retired ranchers who met every morning at the same table. She cracked three eggs neatly—Mr. Redmond’s Sunrise Special was the last of the first wave of the usual Saturday-morning rush. Maybe she’d be able to take a few minutes away from the grill, grab some coffee and—
Jodi shouldered through the doors, loaded down with empties, which she unloaded wi
th sharp clatters at the sink. “Well, I tell you, that just about breaks my heart.”
“I’m betting you don’t mean the pile of dishes to clean?”
“Nope. I waited on a man this morning. Striking, young guy, somewhere around our age, maybe a bit older. You know how on some folks it’s hard to tell?” She washed and yanked a paper towel from the dispenser to dry her hands.
Amy’s pulse thickened. It was as if her blood had turned into sand, and her heart was straining to pump it through her veins. The background sounds of the cooking food and customers in the dining room faded to silence. Why was she reacting this strongly to the mere mention of the man?
Unaware, Jodi continued on. “Well, I tell ya, I’ve never seen a sadder-looking man. People got all kinds of heartaches, we both know that, but it just sort of clung to him like an aftershave or something. Just so much despair.”
Amy knew. She’d seen it, too.
She tossed the used paper towel. “He looked like he was down to his last dollar, but he left me a five-dollar tip.”
“You mean he was here and left?” And I didn’t see him? The spatula clattered forgotten to the counter as she went up on tiptoe to peer at the long line of booths in front of the sunny window.
Of course he wasn’t there, and she rocked back on her heels. “Finish this up, will you? I’ll be right back.”
“Well, sure, but what—?”
Amy pushed through the doors and left without answering. She hurried down the center aisle where old timers argued over politics and the weather, where early risers read the day’s paper over coffee. A typical morning, with the scents and sounds and people she knew so well, and she couldn’t explain why she felt so desperate. It was as if she’d failed to do something important, and that didn’t make any sense at all.
The cap. She remembered, skidded to a stop in the doorway, let the glass door swing shut as she reversed and dropped behind the counter. The cap was still there on the top of the plastic bin and she grabbed it without thinking, pounding out the door, and making the bell jangle like a tambourine. Her shoes hit the pavement and the fresh breeze punched her face.