The room suddenly became so silent you could hear crickets.
“What?” Noah asked quietly after several agonizing seconds.
“I’m pregnant,” I answered cautiously.
“Pregnant,” he breathed, visibly shocked.
“Yep.”
“You.”
“Yep.”
“You’re pregnant,” he repeated, and I felt myself growing more agitated with each passing second.
Propping my hands on my hips, I narrowed my eyes at him, all attitude as I said, “Think we’ve established that, Noah. I’m pregnant. Knocked up. Bun in the oven. With child. Not sure there are any other ways to phrase that.”
“Preggers,” Navie announced, not so helpfully.
“Thank you,” I deadpanned. “I stand corrected.”
“Manufacturing a human. In the family way. In the maternal condition. Up the duff,” she continued.
“Jeez, Nav! We get it, okay?”
“Just trying to be helpful,” she shrugged nonchalantly.
“Well, you’re not.”
“You’re pregnant,” Noah said… again. “But… how? I thought you said you had one of those IOU things.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose on a sigh. “It’s an IUD,” I answered. “And apparently I didn’t pay very good attention when the doctor went over the shelf life on the damn thing. It expired about a year ago.”
“That’s… I can’t… I’m just… This is fuckin’ amazing!” He shouted all of a sudden, sweeping me into his arms in a bear hug before spinning me around. “You’re pregnant! We’re having a baby!”
Once I was back on my feet, Noah cupped my cheeks in his large hands. “You’re happy?” I asked in bewilderment. Considering our past, I had been gearing up for this to go badly. I never expected him to be so excited about it.
“Hell yeah, I’m happy! Are you kidding me? You’re carrying my baby, wildflower. I’m fuckin’ ecstatic!”
“Really?”
His lips came down on mine in a gentle kiss that melted some of the tension from my shoulders.
“Really, baby,” he whispered before pulling back with a beaming smile on his face. “You know what this means, right?”
“Uh… that I’m going to get fat?” I hedged.
“We have to get married.”
The sound of squealing breaks filled my head as I stared up at him in utter shock. It took what felt like an eternity for my brain to re-boot.
“Are you fucking crazy?!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
Then the morning sickness went into full effect.
I’d never seen anything like it before.
Harlow’s mouth just fell open and all this... stuff just started pouring out. It was like something you’d expect to see on National Geographic or Animal Planet, or something. It was disgusting.
And to make matters worse, I have a tendency to gag whenever I see someone throw up. It’s a horrible reflex that couldn’t have come at a worse time, but when I see someone hurl it makes me hurl. It’s just a way of life.
“God,” Navie declared, her face scrunched in repulsion. “It’s like y’all are a totally a gross match made in puke-y heaven. I’ve never seen anything like it. It was like a domino effect.”
“Ugh!” Harlow groaned from her place, sprawled out on the couch with her arm thrown over her eyes. “Stop talking about it or I’m going to do it again!”
Picking up Harlow’s legs, I took a seat next to her and rested her feet in my lap. “And if she does it again, I’ll do it too,” I warned Harlow’s teeny-tiny blonde friend.
“Eeew,” she whined. “I’m going upstairs to shower. I need to scrub my body and brain clean of this whole morning.” Spinning on her heels, she took off up the stairs, leaving me and Harlow in peaceful silence.
After our dual impersonations of that chick from The Exorcist, I managed to help the girls clean the floor in the front hall. I wanted to pat myself on the back for not gagging the entire time, but I was able to refrain. Navie went in search of a clean shirt for me while Harlow went to change and brush her teeth.
It most definitely wasn’t the most pleasant way to start a morning, but I was currently vomit free with fresh, minty breath, and I was rubbing the feet of the woman carrying my baby. A woman I was head-over-heels in love with. So yeah, barfing aside, it turned out to be a pretty fuckin’ fantastic day.
“That feels wonderful,” she sighed as I pressed my thumb into the ball of her foot. Her eyes drifted closed as she laid there in complete relaxation. “Thank you, honey.”
“Welcome, baby,” I answered softly, switching from one foot to the other, trying to gather the nerve to say what I wanted to say. “So…” I drug out, unsure how to broach the subject for the second time and avoid making Harlow sick.
“Swear to God, Noah, if you mention marriage again, I’m going to lose my shit.”
“Harlow, you’re having my kid. This is something we’re gonna have to discuss,” I insisted, making a solid effort to mask the quickly building anger in my gut at her complete refusal to talk about a future together.
“Yeah,” she scoffed. “Because that worked out so well for us the first time. The two of us being together is a disaster of epic proportions. Getting married is a sure-fire way to put an end to our relationship.”
The unsteady hold I had on my temper snapped with her sarcastic retort. “What the fuck, Harlow?” Pushing her legs off my lap, I stood and planted my hands on my hips, staring her down. The look on her face said it all. She hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but it was what she believed.
“So all that shit about you forgiving me and wanting to be together, it was all just bullshit?”
Sitting up, she rubbed at her temples before looking up at me apologetically. “No. Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just stressed and confused right now.” She stood from the couch and came to me, placing her hands softly on my chest. “I’m sorry, Noah, I really am. I just…”
“Just what?” I pushed.
“This feels a little like déjà vu.” Those hazel eyes of hers were pleading with me to understand as she peered up at me. But I was beyond understanding.
“Do you even have faith in us?” I asked. “Or have you had one foot out the door this whole time?”
“I…” Holding hard to my anger was the only thing I could do to keep the hurt from making me buckle over as she struggled to answer.
My voice grew harder as I said, “It’s a yes or no question, Harlow. You either have faith in us or you don’t. So which is it?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered as she lowered her head, taking her eyes away from me.
“Wow,” was all I could say. At the disbelief in my tone, her head shot back up.
“Can you honestly blame me? I mean, really. Put yourself in my shoes back then. Imagine being me that night, and then tell me you wouldn’t have a few reservations about starting up again.”
“You don’t have reservations, baby,” I said acidly. “You have a goddamned thirty-foot, steel-encased, concrete wall with razor wire and rabid fuckin’ pit bulls! Jesus Christ! No one can break through that wall no matter how hard they try!”
“You’re not being fair,” she accused in a low voice as her eyes began to glisten with tears. “You know this is hard for me. You said you understood. You promised we’d go slow.”
“Yeah, I understood how hard it was for you, and I’ve bent over backward to try and prove that I’ve changed, that I’m not the same kid I was back then. But you won’t fuckin’ forgive me!”
“I did forgive you!” she shouted.
“Really? So you’re not holding the past over my head to keep me at a distance right this goddamned second?”
“I…”
“That’s what I thought,” I sighed when she didn’t finish. She knew I was right and couldn’t bring herself to stand there and lie to my face. Defeat made my bones feel weighed down and brittle. My shoulders hunched over, sudd
enly seeming too heavy. “You know what? I’m done trying to force you into being with me. If you’re so unsure, then I’ll make it easy on you.”
“Noah…” her voice broke on my name and each tear that fell from her eyes cut me like a razor. I loved Harlow more than I had ever loved anyone. I didn’t want to lose her. But I couldn’t be the only one in the relationship who believed it was worth fighting for. That was no better than a person punching at a brick wall, hoping their fists would eventually break through.
It was never going to happen.
Turning away, I went and grabbed my coat from the hook by the front door, looking back at Harlow’s sad face as I shrugged it on. “But you need to know, whether we’re together or not, that’s my baby.” I pointed at her stomach. “I’m gonna be there for my kid every step of the way. So you need to accept that I’m gonna be a part of your life no matter what, and I don’t give a flying shit if you like it or not. I’m not gonna be some jackass absentee dad. I want him or her to know who I am.”
“O-okay,” she whispered.
“I want to be a part of this. Of all of it.”
She nodded and sniffled. That was all she gave me. My heart cracked.
With nothing left to say, I turned and reached for the knob, pulling the door open on the cold, biting wind.
“I’m sorry.” I froze just one step out the door at the sound of her voice. “I’m so sorry, Noah.”
Her heartfelt apology did nothing but drive the knife deeper, worsening the pain until I was forced to squeeze my eyes closed against it.
“Me too,” I finally said once I was able to speak past the lump that had formed in my throat. I opened my eyes and made my way to my SUV, refusing to look back as I lost the girl who held my heart in her hands for the second time.
“So let me get this straight,” Chloe said from her place behind the counter at Sinful Sweets. “You tell him you’re pregnant, then you puke on him, then you essentially tell him you hold no hope for your relationship, leaving him with no choice but to walk away. But not before he informs you he’s going to be a part of his kid’s life and you can kiss his ass if you don’t like it. That about sum it up?”
After watching Noah walk out my front door and having a mini-meltdown that was only a centimeter away from becoming a full-blown meltdown, Navie had tried her best to calm me down and make me feel better. Eventually, that led to a trip to Sinful Sweets which, thank the Gods, was empty at the time for some much needed sugar therapy. After my second cupcake, I was beginning to feel a little better, so I decided that, obviously, I needed to continue eating them.
Now I was regretting ever leaving my house.
“Has anyone ever told you that you have a gift for words?” I asked disparagingly.
Stuffing the last bite of my fourth cupcake into my mouth, I chewed through a glare as she talked. “Normally, I’d sugarcoat a situation like this. Unfortunately, that little mini-you currently baking in your belly doesn’t give us the time we need to make pulling your head out of your ass less stressful for all the parties involved.”
“I’m not even sure what that means,” I told her around a mouthful of delicious yellow cake-y goodness.
“It means we’re crash-coursing this shit,” Navie answered around her own mouthful of cupcake. “For both of your sakes.” Then she declared—very loudly, “Good God! These are amazing.” Sucking pink icing off her thumb, she dove back into the pastry box Chloe had sat in front of us once she’d learned what last went down between me and Noah. “Seriously, this has to be the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.”
A giggle worked its way up my throat. “Let me record you saying that and send it to Rowan. Pretty please. It’ll make me feel so much better.”
She shot me a scathing glance before looking back at Chloe. “I want you to know, I say this with the utmost sincerity, and my fiancé’s totally loaded, so I’m good for it. If you’d be willing to fly to Connecticut the bake my wedding cake, I’d pay airfare, hotel, and double what you charge for wedding cakes.”
“Seriously?” Chloe and I both asked at the exact same time.
“Hell yes! I can’t tell you how many stupid cakes I’ve tasted in the past few weeks. And I hated them. New York’s all about what’s hip, trendy, and now. I’m from the south, for Christ’s sake. I can’t stand fondant and I don’t want any live plants stuffed into my frosting for decoration. What do you say? Would you be willing?”
“Of course!” Chloe hopped up and down, clapping her hands in excitement. “When’s the wedding?”
Waving off her question, Navie dug another cupcake out of the box and shoved it in her mouth, answering around it. “Not for at least a year. I’m not the kind of girl who can throw a wedding together in a couple of months without the risk of murdering someone. And this one,” she threw her thumb in my direction, “got herself knocked up, so it’s safe to say she’ll bitch the entire time if I make her stuff her pregnant ass in a bridesmaid dress.”
“Truth,” I muttered, lifting my fist up so she could bump it.
“Count me in,” she replied to Navie before turning her attention to me. “Back to the matter at hand. You screwed up, sweetie.”
“Excuse me?” I sputtered indignantly.
“Big time,” Navie supplied.
“What are you talking about?” I yelped “You’re supposed to be on my side!”
Navie gave a one shoulder shrug as she wiped her hands on one of Chloe’s pale lavender napkins. “I am on your side. That’s why I’m telling you this. No man who isn’t all in walks away from a woman looking that broken, babe.”
“How would you know?” I asked as my heart fell down into my stomach. “You were in the shower.”
“Oh please,” she scoffed. “I was totally eavesdropping. And before you decide to act all offended, you know you’d do the same damn thing.”
She had me there. I totally would.
The backs of my eyes began to sting as I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall. “He looked… broken?”
“Ravaged,” she answered sympathetically. “I was standing near the stairs when he walked out of the living room. I wanted to cry when I saw his face. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a man look so wrecked in my life. And I’m engaged to one of the moodiest men in the country.”
“Really?” I asked quietly, the sound of my heart breaking so loud in my ears I was sure my friends could hear it. “He looked like that?”
“Oh, honey,” Navie cooed, reaching over to pull me into a hug when I lost my battle and the tears broke free. “Why are you doing this to yourself if this is how sad it makes you?”
“I-I’m scared,” I hiccupped through a sob.
Chloe reached over the counter and took my hand in hers. “You can’t keep pushing people away because you’re scared of getting hurt again. Look at yourself, look at what it’s doing to you. Can you honestly say you’re happy living the way you’re living? Taking a risk and getting hurt couldn’t feel any worse than this, could it?”
“I-I’m not scared of g-getting hurt,” I sniffled. “I’m s-scared of losing h-him again.” Pulling away from Navie, I sat up and sucked in a deep breath, attempting to get control of my emotions. “It’s the thought of having the comfort that comes from being with Noah, that security and happiness I felt the first time, and getting used to it only to have it ripped away again. That’s what I’m the most scared of.”
“But what if it’s not taken away from you?” Navie asked. “What if you get all of that, and this time, you get to keep it forever? Answer a question for me. Don’t think about it, just answer. Is the shot at a lifetime with Noah worth it?”
“Yes,” I answered without so much as blinking.
Chloe’s hand gave mine a squeeze. I turned my watery gaze to her to see her smiling. “Then take the risk, Low-Low.”
By the time Navie left to go back to New York the following morning as I was getting ready for work, I wasn’t feeling much better, physicall
y and emotionally. I still hadn’t shaken the morning sickness or exhaustion, and I was nursing a bruised heart on top of all of that, so having to go in and teach was a nightmare.
I felt horrible for not making my friend’s trip more fun, but Navie swore the only reason she flew from New York to Wyoming was to spend time with me, and since that’s what she got to do, she was happy.
I spent the day trying to keep from hurling on my poor, unsuspecting students and spying for Noah in the halls between each class. The fact that I hadn’t laid eyes on him once left me discouraged by the time I headed home.
I was alone in the living room, the TV turned to a show I wasn’t focused on because my attention was on the cell phone sitting silently in my hands. The same phone that had remained silent since my and Noah’s fight over twenty-four hours before. The same phone I’d looked at approximately eleventy billion times, willing it to ring with the power of my mind.
On the TV, Dwight Schrute was being his typical self, bitching about something Jim had done or was going to do in the near future. Usually, I was all for cramming as many episodes of The Office into a day as possible. I’d gotten hooked when Navie and I had lived together. The show was her guilty pleasure and had quickly become mine as well. But I couldn’t bring myself to pay attention to the hilarious shenanigans of the Dunder Mifflin employees.
“Oh, fuck it,” I muttered to myself as I swiped the screen and brought my phone to life. Scrolling through my text messages, I opened the thread between me and Noah, taking a few minutes to reread some of the ones that made my heart flutter. God, I missed him.
I tapped on the little box and watched the cursor blink while I thought about what to say.
Me: I’m sorry, I typed, immediately deleting it and starting over.
Me: I was an idiot. Nope, not strong enough. Delete.
Me: I love you. But that wasn’t really something I wanted to say to him over text for the first time. Delete.
In the end, I went for simple and honest.
Me: I miss you.
I hit send then instantly freaked! “Shit!” My shout filled the room. I clicked in the settings on my phone, frantically trying to find any way to recall a text message. Unfortunately, technology was an asshole and the people at Apple were with the times enough to update their phones every two days to keep us wanting more, but those motherfuckers couldn’t be bothered to install a recall button? Sons of bitches! They’d definitely be getting a scathing email from me.
Wildflower (Colors #4) Page 17