I placed my mobile and mace on the fridge.
‘Sorry, excuse the poor selection. I’m not much of a drinker, I’m afraid,’ Malcolm explained without looking up from his chore.
I opened the glass fridge door and suddenly it was like being back in Honey’s limo again. It was full of miniature bottles of Veuve Clicquot. ‘I could probably get one of the other guys to dig you up some vodka if you’d prefer?’ he suggested, no doubt imagining that I was disappointed by his unvaried selection.
I didn’t want to sound babyish and admit I actually thought he was offering me a Horlicks or something nice and sweet like that, so I said it was fine and took a bottle out.
‘Should I, erm, open one for you?’ I asked, uncertain of the etiquette rules of Eades boys and their fridges.
‘Cheers,’ he said, smiling at me as he ran his fingers through his hair in what looked like frustration. ‘I shouldn’t, but this is going to be a long night.’
I uncorked the two small bottles pretty skilfully, proving that even time spent in the company of someone as poisonous as Honey has its uses.
Malcolm placed his champagne beside him on the floor. He seemed too absorbed in his DVDs to care where I sat, so I perched on the edge of his bed. I still felt madly awkward, so I decided to spread out and look a bit more chilled as I took a gulp of the champagne. Instantly all the bubbles charged up my nose and I started choking and coughing.
‘Unlike beer, it’s better not to neck your champagne like that,’ Malcolm suggested, suppressing a laugh. ‘It’s easier if you use the straw that’s glued to the side,’ he explained, pointing out the straw.
‘Oh yaah, no, of course I know that. It’s just, well, I prefer to knock it back, really,’ I blurted in a blatantly ridiculous attempt at sounding sophisticated. And once I started I couldn’t stop. ‘Hic, hic, hic,’ was my next sophisticated blurt. My plan to look all chilled and worldly was sinking fast.
‘So who is it exactly that you are looking for?’ Malcolm asked in the tone that suggested he was keen to be rid of the strange, wet girl hiccuping in his room.
‘Hic, hic, hic,’ I replied.
‘Do you need something for your hiccups? A paper bag? A fright perhaps?’ he asked, looking around his room for a solution.
He didn’t have to look far, though. Before I could hic another word out, Portia’s older brother, Tarquin, stormed into the room.
‘Have you found that bloody DVD yet, McHamish?’ Tarquin demanded crossly before he noticed me, stretched out across Malcolm’s bed in a robe. He only gave me a cursory glance, but I clutched the robe to my neck as I imagined what he might be thinking.
‘Still looking, man; the search goes on. I will be triumphant, though! I will be triumphant,’ Malcolm declared, punching the air with his mini-bottle of Veuve.
By this point Tarquin had not only spotted me hic, hic, hicing away on Malcolm’ bed, but he’d also taken in my matching Snoopy bra and knickers (thank goodness I’d taken the precaution of wearing matching underwear, otherwise it could have been really embarrassing) flung over the radiator.
‘Briggs, meet Calypso, she who would lure men from their whatsits.’
‘Goals. Listen, I know you,’ Tarquin said, pointing to me as if he wished he didn’t. ‘You’re that friend of Portia’s. Freddie’s girlfriend.’
‘Hic, yes, hic, yes. Nice to, hic, see, hic, you again, hic.’ I replied giving him a little wave.
‘She’s been necking her champagne,’ Malcolm explained, gesturing to me with his champagne. That’s how she prefers to drink it apparently. I told her to use a straw, but girls, what can you do?’ He shrugged.
I pulled Malcolm’s robe even more tightly around me, suddenly acutely aware of how naked I was underneath.
The next minute, Billy burst in on my humiliation. ‘Right McHamish, where’s the bloody–.’ He stopped short as he spotted me. He looked confused. ‘Calypso? What’s going on?’
‘Hic, well, you, hic, I was …’
‘Ah Pyke, my good man. Yes, your DVD is on the fridge.’
But Billy didn’t seem to be interested in the whereabouts of his DVD. ‘What are you doing here? In Malcolm’s room?’ he asked me irritably.
‘Ah, the fair Calypso. Everyone seems to know this young wench. Found her hanging off my windowsill, wet as a drowning rat. Said she could dry herself off before she continued her search for, what was his name again?’
‘Freds!’ I squeaked – yes, squeaked, like one of those soft toys babies have. Because I wasn’t answering Malcolm’s question at all. Freds had just walked in and he did not look pleased to see me. Not a bit. If looks could burn, my matching Snoopy bra and knickers would have burst into flame, because his eyes were boring into them. I jumped up off the bed, desperate to explain the situation but all that came out was ‘Hic’.
Malcolm must have been the only one unaware of the dynamics of the drama being played out in his room. ‘Now Freds, I’ve got your DVD, I think I put it –’, Malcolm began, but Freds turned around and walked straight back out again, muttering something about how he couldn’t believe this.
Well bugger that, the fighter in me said! I hadn’t fought off attack dogs, wriggled through razor-wire fences, run through the rain and climbed wisteria bushes for nothing. No, I, Calypso Kelly, sabre champion of the Sheffield Open, was not giving up. I stuffed the mace and phone in one of the pockets of the robe, grabbed my Snoopy set and clothes and legged it after him.
That was when I ran into the Eades house matron, spilling my champagne all over her and me and, well, that was when things got really nasty.
Malcolm, Billy and Tarquin, who had also given chase, slammed into the matron and me.
‘Aaah, good. I see you’ve met our matron, Kate. Kate, this is Calypso, she who distracts men from their –’
Kate just stared at him. Thank you, Mr McHamish, you can go back to your room.’
Billy and Tarquin followed him and that was that. I was alone with Kate, who in her twinset and pearls looked terrifyingly formidable.
FOURTEEN
Matron’s Remedy for Hiccups
‘There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this,’ I told Kate, trying to sound as authoritative as Honey and as aloof as Portia. But in addition to my lack of attire, I was also buckling under the additional hurt of Fred’s storming off. Talk about taking the wind out of a girl’s sails.
The matron gripped me by the robe and, well, robes being what they are, I didn’t even try to argue or struggle, because, well, having a near-naked girl on her hands is at least a little better than an actual naked girl. Also, I still had the hiccups.
Malcolm’s head popped out of his door, ‘Any chance you can bring the robe back on your next visit, Calypso?’ he asked.
Kate turned around to face him, and a horrible sense of doom came over me – not that I wasn’t already feeling doom-ish enough about the evening’s events, but I didn’t want to land Malcolm in any sort of trouble when he’d been so hospitable.
‘Where does this girl come from, Mr McHamish?’ Kate enquired nicely, in the sort of voice one might ask the time.
‘Good question, Kate. I have no idea of her origins. I did think I detected a slight transatlantic accent when I first came across her. She was hanging, wet as a stray cat, on the wisteria outside my window, looking for some chap. I invited her in to dry off before she continued her search.’
By the time he had finished his explanation, Billy, Tarquin and a few other boys had opened their doors to watch the scene.
‘I see,’ said Kate. Well, do any of you chaps know where she’s from?’ she put it to the ever-increasing number of boys coming out to have a look at me.
I felt myself shrinking inside the robe. ‘My name’s, hic, Calypso,’ I told her quietly. ‘Hic, Calypso Kelly.’
‘She’s from Saint Augustine’s,’ Billy offered.
‘A friend of my sister’s,’ Tarquin added darkly.
Well, I’d better ring Sister C
onstance and inform her that I’m driving you back to school, Miss Kelly. It’s a good thing our Head is in bed along with all the rest of the beaks.’ Then she turned to the boys. ‘Good night, gentlemen. And Mr McHamish, please don’t smoke in the corridor; you know it’s against fire regulations.’
‘Right, yes, blast the bloody regulations. Such a lot of rot.’ He smiled at Kate, took a drag of his cigarette and stubbed it out on the floor and then took a sip of his champagne.
I was astonished that Kate didn’t scold him, but clearly Eades boys had more power when it came to matrons than we did.
The boys all said good night to Kate as if she were an employee. Billy thanked her for looking after me, which made me feel like a stray dog. Then they all shut their doors, and I was alone with Kate.
As I looked at her and she looked at me, I began to fear repercussions. My brave adventure had come to a soggy and miserable failure of an end. Far from convincing Freds of my undying affection, I had totally alienated him.
Kate didn’t say anything to me. She led me downstairs to her office, where she called Sister Constance. ‘I have one of your girls here,’ she explained. I couldn’t hear what Sister said to Kate, but I imagined her attitude to the situation wouldn’t be as casual as Kate’s. ‘No, no, that’s fine, Sister. I’ll drive her back,’ Kate continued. ‘Only three minutes away.’
Three minutes of terror away! Kate drove like a maniac. Her driving made Sister Regina’s seem safe in comparison, and Sister Regina is too short to see over the wheel. I could see over the wheel, though, as we sped around hairpin bend after hairpin bend.
One good thing about her reckless driving was that it made speaking impossible and proved to be just the fright I needed to rid myself of the wretched hiccups, which were really starting to hurt my tummy. Thankfully it was a short journey, but there is nothing edifying about being driven back to school after midnight in a boy’s bathrobe by a matron who drives a smarter car than your own mother.
As we turned into my school’s car park, I could see the silhouette of Sister Constance standing on the entrance porch, and I could tell from her expression that she was not her usual composed, meditative self. Shame over my behaviour gave way to fear of what my punishment would be.
Kate had to come around and virtually drag me out of the car, I was so frozen with fear.
‘Thank you, Mrs Denning, I’ll take the matter from here,’ Sister Constance assured her. ‘It was very good of you to bring her back.’
‘Not at all, and please, Sister, call me Kate,’ she replied sweetly as she walked back towards her car.
‘I’m soooo sorry, Sister,’ I began in my most remorseful voice.
We’ll discuss what’s to be done about this matter when your mother arrives in the morning,’ was Sister’s curt reply.
When my mother arrives? But she works.’
‘I called her as soon as Mrs Denning called me. You are lucky that you were discovered by Mrs Denning, a most understanding young woman. I can’t bear to think of the scandal should one of the masters have found you. Nonetheless, it was still my responsibility to call your mother. She will be here for a nine o’clock meeting.’
Gulp. ‘What did she say?’
But Sister wasn’t to be drawn, and merely escorted me to my dorm. Her silence was far worse than if she’d scolded me.
I crept into my room, planning to collect my pyjamas and change in the en suite, but I fell foul of Star, who was stretched out on my floor.
‘What happened?’ demanded Star excitedly, turning on her torch.
I wasn’t in the mood to discuss my evening of disaster, even with my best friend, but Star isn’t the sort of girl to let things drop. ‘Let’s see, I climbed up the wrong wall, where I was discovered by Malcolm clinging to the wisteria outside his room. He said I could dry my clothes in his room, so it was really lucky I wore my matching Snoopy –’
Star grabbed me round the shoulders. ‘Wait? You don’t mean Malcolm McHamish the filmmaker?’
‘I don’t know. He’s an Eades boy in the Lower Sixth. Anyway so he offers me champagne. And then Portia’s brother walks in, followed by Billy, followed by –’
‘I sent Billy to look for you,’ Portia whispered from her bed.
Thanks, well, he found me and my Snoopy underwear drying on Malcolm’s radiator and then –’
‘Is Malcolm really, really fit with red hair?’ Star probed.
‘I think the two are mutually exclusive actually, darling,’ Honey waded in.
‘You’re just jealous,’ Star snapped back.
‘You keep telling yourself that, Ginga features!’ Honey replied nastily, referring to Star’s own red hair.
I couldn’t believe everyone kept interrupting me! How many of them had braved the wisteria of Eades in the pouring rain and ended up busted by a matron called Kate who drives like a lunatic? None, that’s how many. Also, I could smell the delicious aroma of pizza. How could they have ordered pizza while I was drying my underwear in a strange boy’s room? While I was virtually choking to death on champagne they should have been biting their nails with worry, not munching on a delicious illicit pizza.
‘Look, doesn’t anyone actually want to hear what happened?’ I almost yelled. ‘Otherwise I’m going to get into my pyjamas and go to bed,’ I told them sulkily.
‘Sorry, darling,’ Star whispered. ‘Keep going, I won’t interrupt again, promise.’
‘Right, so the matron caught me naked, well semi-naked. I was wearing Malcolm’s robe – and yes he does have red hair – and then Freds walked in.’
‘OMG! What did he say?’ Star asked.
‘Shhhhh!’ Portia hushed. ‘Let her finish.’
‘Not much. Something like, “I don’t believe this,” and then he walked off in a strop.’
‘Shit,’ Star said simply.
‘I know. Can you imagine? There I was, sitting on Malcolm’s bed, in Malcolm’s robe, knocking back champagne. Anyway, I chased after him, which is when I ran into Kate.’
‘Kate?’
‘Oh yes, Kate’s their matron, only she didn’t look or act a bit matronly. I mean, Malcolm was standing right in front of her smoking and drinking, and she didn’t do anything. Can you imagine!’
‘All boys’ schools are like that, darling. They treat them like grown men,’ Portia explained. ‘Whenever we go to Eades boating day, all the boys just wander around drinking and smoking, and when any of the beaks tell them to stop drinking they just say “Yes, sir” and carry on.’
Honey giggled. ‘I think it’s quite funny, actually.’
‘What?’
‘You being caught naked in another boy’s room, darling,’ she replied. ‘I think it’s hilarious, in fact. Freddie will never take you back now.’
‘She’s not a package,’ Star snapped at her before turning to me. ‘So anyway, what did this Kate woman say to you then?’
‘Nothing. She grabbed me by the robe, took me down to her office, called Sister, drove me back here and that was it.’
‘And what did Sister say?’ asked Portia.
‘She told me there will be a meeting with my mother tomorrow. I’m probably going to get expelled.’
‘Why didn’t you mace her?’ Honey asked. Then you could have run off back to school and no one would have been the wiser.’
‘Oh yes, I should have maced her,’ I agreed sarcastically.
Star sneered, ‘And quite probably gone to jail. So anyway, what did Malcolm say?’
‘Does it actually matter what Malcolm said or didn’t say?’ I replied hotly. I was getting quite cross now with the way Star was obsessing over this Malcolm. ‘He didn’t say much, and I can’t be bothered remembering. In fact, I partly blame him for all this. If he hadn’t invited me in, urged me to take off my clothes, dry them on his radiator and drink champagne, I wouldn’t be in this mess! Look,’ I added, pausing mid-rant. ‘Sorry, but I’m tired, hungry and upset. I just want to go to bed. Not that I’ll be able to sleep. S
arah will probably make me move to Clapham with her.’
‘I’m sure Sister won’t be that horrible,’ Star assured me confidently.
‘Just say you ran away because you were upset about Sarah leaving Bob and coming from a broken home, darling. Nuns hate broken homes,’ Honey suggested. ‘You could hint that they abuse you; that’s bound to get you sympathy.’
Why did everyone keep saying I came from a broken home! ‘I don’t come from a broken home!’ I snapped.
‘Okay, okay, chill. God, I was only trying to be nice, darling,’ Honey said crossly. ‘It will tear at Sister’s heartstrings, that’s all. Think about it. She’s let Georgina get away with loads since her father married Koo-Koo.’
A Royal Mess Page 11