Without giving me any chance to respond or disagree, he grabs my hand and turns us back toward the hills. “So, are you ready to cross another item off the list?”
With that question and the prospect of crossing another item off my list, all the heaviness from earlier disappears. “I’m ready.” I smile.
“Okay, so we came up here to scream. So…scream.”
Now I’m having second thoughts about this item, but I ignore any potential embarrassment and take in a deep breath before letting out what I’m sure is the wimpiest scream anyone has ever cried out.
Phoenix is too quiet. I turn my head toward him and see him barely holding back laughter. When he continues to struggle and not say anything, I lose my patience. “What?”
I jump when a bark of laughter escapes his mouth. “You call that a scream? No, sweetheart, that was nowhere near the kind of yell I’m looking for.”
Phoenix lets out the loudest yell I’ve ever heard. My eyes bulge and I jump again. Phoenix looks at me, a big smile on his face. I laugh.
“Oh my God.”
“That’s a yell. Now try again, and this time, mean it. Think about your childhood, think about everything you missed out on. Channel all of your anger and then scream.”
After another deep breath, I do exactly what he tells me to do. I think about my past, I think about what it was like and how I was hurt when I first moved to Lishoy, and I open my mouth and scream. But, unlike Phoenix, I don’t stop screaming, not for a very long time. I yell so long, I know my throat will hurt for a while. Then I yell some more.
Finally, I run out of breath and stop, but only long enough to pull in another breath so I can laugh. I look back at Phoenix. His eyes widen with what I think is a little bit of shock, but he’s also laughing.
“That felt amazing!” I say after I get my laughter under control.
“Told you. It’s invigorating, almost therapeutic.”
I don’t know what comes over me, if it’s the feeling of releasing some of my anger or the fact I’m just so grateful to him for being in my life, but I shock us both when I throw my arms around his neck. After a few moments of him not reciprocating the hug, I realize what I did and begin to pull away, but he stops me by tightly wrapping his arms around my waist.
“Thank you, Phoenix. Thank you for everything,” I say in his ear.
“You don’t have to thank me, birdie. Your face when you complete one of these items, the happiness you feel, is thanks enough. I should be thanking you for just letting me get a piece of that beautiful light inside you.”
Chapter Six
A Change In The Air
“Well…this is different. A good different, just different,” Violet says.
Violet and I are sitting on the park bench. I look at her watching her kids as they play at the playground. She has a small smile on her lips.
“What’s different?”
Even though I asked, I know exactly what she means. It’s definitely different seeing Violet outside of the pub. She’s invited me many times to go out with her or just to come over to her house for dinner, but I was always so stuck in my own little world and so afraid of trying something new that I always said no.
I’m surprised she never stopped asking, but I’m sure she always knew what the answer was going to be and never gave her hopes up. I know this because when she called me this morning and asked if I wanted to have lunch in the park with her and her kids, she was shocked when I didn’t give her a bogus excuse and turn her down. Instead, I actually jumped at the chance to spend my Saturday out of my house.
“Seeing you outside of the pub for once is different. Hell, even seeing you in a pair of jeans is shocking. I had almost given up hope on you altogether,” she jokes.
“No, you hadn’t.”
“You’re right. No, I would have never given up hope. I knew that someday, some way, something would get you out of your books and into the real world.”
If I was talking to any other person, that would be an innocent statement, but because it’s Violet, I know she’s fishing. She wants to know what’s causing the change. Judging by the expectant look on her face, she wants to know now, which is exactly why I avert my gaze to the playground ahead of me.
It’s not that I don’t want to talk about Phoenix or what I’ve experienced the past four weeks. It’s just, at this point, I don’t know what I would even say.
A week ago, I would tell her the truth. I would talk all about how Phoenix has turned my life upside down in the good way. I’d tell her about everything we’ve crossed off my list.
Now? I have no clue what to tell her because honestly I have no clue what’s going on. I haven’t seen or heard from Phoenix since the castle. I’ve been wracking my brain every minute trying to figure out what I did wrong and the only thing I keep coming back to is that hug.
Maybe I came on too strong? I know the hug took him by surprise, but he eventually hugged me back, and then those sweet words he said…I don’t even know what to think.
One thing his disappearance has proved is I’ve been lying to myself this past month. Every time I told myself I wasn’t falling in love with Phoenix or that I didn’t want more, I was lying to myself. Since he’s been gone, there’s this gaping hole inside me, one that runs way deeper than just being lonely. It’s him. I miss everything about him—his smile, his jokes, his innocent touches, even the smell of his cologne.
My thoughts have been back and forth, almost like both sides of my mind are playing a game of tug of war. One part is trying to convince me it’s probably for the best he’s gone, and the other half is just waiting for him to come back, wishing he would just show up at my door again at seven in the morning, ready to take us on our next adventure.
“So, are you going to spill the beans on what’s caused such a pleasant change in you?” Violet asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.
Without taking my eyes off her kids, I smile and answer, “Phoenix Castle. He’s the one causing such a change.”
“Phoenix Castle?” I expected to hear the shock in her voice. It’s the hesitance that makes me face her again. “You’ve been seeing Phoenix?”
“Yes,” I answer slowly.
“How did that happen?”
“How did what happen?”
“How did you get mixed up with Phoenix?”
“Well, you know how we first met. You know the night that Marcy not so accidentally threw her drink on me.” I giggle when Violet snorts and rolls her eyes. “And you obviously know he came to see me after that. You’re the one who told him I owned the library.”
“Yes, I told him because he said he wanted to apologize.”
“And he did, but we got to talking and…I don’t know, we just started hanging out.” I stop myself from telling Violet about my list. I don’t know why, but I feel almost embarrassed about it.
“You just started hanging out?” Violet says, repeating my words back to me.
“Yes,” I answer with feigned confidence.
“Caroline Taylor, the Caroline Taylor who refused to even come over to my house for dinner, the woman who sticks to a strict schedule and spends her days and nights surrounded by books, and the one who I have never seen with a man, not once the entire time I’ve known her. She meets the incredibly sexy, bad boy, lead singer Phoenix Castle and just starts hanging out with him?”
“Yes,” I answer again, only this time with a little less confidence. I know she knows I’m full of it and I also know it doesn’t matter how embarrassed I might be about my list. I’m not leaving this park or this conversation without telling Violet about it.
“Yeah. We both know I’m not buying that. So, come on now, out with it. I want the real story.”
“I have a list, a list of everything I always wanted to try but never could convince myself to do. The day Phoenix came to see me at the library, we got lunch and started talking. I’m not sure what made me tell him, but I did. Since that day, he’s been helping me complete the li
st one item at a time.”
I spend the next thirty minutes going over every little adventure, every moment spent with Phoenix, only leaving out my growing feelings for him. By the time I stop talking, Violet has a look of excitement on her face, but in her eyes I see worry.
“That sounds amazing, Caroline. I’m proud of you for being so brave and finally stepping out of your comfort zone.” She trails off and looks away.
I wait for her to finish, but she doesn’t. “But?”
“But I don’t think getting feelings for Phoenix is a good idea.”
“Who said I was getting feelings for him?”
“It’s written all over your face. You are falling for him and falling fast.” Her words are too much truth for me, and I find myself once again breaking our eye contact.
I open my mouth to deny, but then I close it. When I open my mouth again, I whisper the truth before I can think twice to stop it. “Yeah, I’m falling for him.”
“Oh, Caroline.” Violet sighs. For some reason, my anger spikes at her reaction and I get defensive about my confession.
“Why is that so bad? Me falling for Phoenix? You’re the one that’s been telling me to go out, have an adventure, fall in love…”
“And I still want all of that for you,” Violet interrupts. “I’m happy you’re finally doing it. All I’m saying is maybe Phoenix isn’t the right man for you to be doing it with.”
It’s the tone of her voice that leads me to believe she knows way more than she’s saying. “What aren’t you saying, Violet?”
She looks surprised by my question at first, but quickly recovers. “All I’m saying is, I’ve heard things about him.”
“What kind of things?” My stomach is in a knot. Endless possibilities float through my head of what she could be talking about, and none of them are good.
“I’m not even sure there’s any truth to them. Look, Caroline, you’re my friend and I just want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy. It may be nothing. Just please promise me you’ll go slow.”
I’m quiet for a minute, waiting to see if she’ll change her mind about telling me what she knows, but it quickly becomes obvious she’s not going to. “Truth is, you have nothing to worry about.” I sigh.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I can’t possibly go any slower. I haven’t seen or heard from Phoenix in a week. He’s probably moved on.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m sure it’s for the best. Besides, I don’t need Phoenix to continue my list. I’ll continue living with or without him.”
Chapter Seven
A Road Trip To Nowhere
“I’ll continue to live with or without him…yeah, right.”
I toss my book beside me on the couch and sigh when it becomes clear that, for once in my life, reading is not going to take my mind off my troubles or boredom.
I’ve only been home a few hours. The first hour, I continued to wrack my brain about what Violet could have meant about Phoenix. What could he possibly have done that would make her warn me away from him? And where in the bloody hell has he been this past week?
The second hour, determination set in. I was not going to think of Phoenix Castle. I was not going to miss him and I was going to finish my list on my own. I distracted myself by cleaning and doing yard work. I rearranged and organized every closet and cupboard I could find. There is not a place in this house that hasn’t been touched. But alas, the chores ran out.
I spent this past hour trying to stick to the routine I had before Mr. Castle came crashing into my life. I thought that getting back into my old routine would be best. I mean, this routine basically gotten me through my entire life. It should be the best way to get my mind off things, right? Wrong.
I think I’m broken. I have to be if a book can’t relieve my thoughts. That devastatingly sexy man has broken me and he hasn’t even kissed me yet. With nothing else to do, I walk to Bubbles and start tapping on the side of her tank.
I read somewhere that fish don’t like it when you tap the side of their tank, but I know that’s not true with Bubbles. We do this every night. I tap the tank and she chases my finger.
I’m so preoccupied with playing with Bubbles, I don’t notice the car horn going off until about the third honk. “Who could that be?” I mumble when I look at the clock and see it’s past midnight.
I cross the living room and check the peephole. “Bloody hell,” I whisper in shock when I see Phoenix leaning up against a Charger in my driveway.
My hand instantly goes to the door handle, but I stop myself and look down at what I’m wearing. It’s clear by my bright pink pajama bottoms and white tank top I wasn’t expecting company.
I don’t want him to leave, though, so I decide against changing and trying to look at least a little bit presentable. I throw on the sweater jacket lying on my bed and go outside with nerves in my stomach.
“Hey, birdie,” he says with a smile while playfully tossing his keys into the air and catching them.
“Hi.” I have a million and one questions, but that’s the only word that comes out.
“Are you ready for the next adventure, baby?”
I don’t answer him right away even though an adventure is all I’ve been waiting for the whole time he’s been away. Instead, I study his face.
His smile is just as gorgeous as it always is, but there’s something different about him…I figure it out when I look into his eyes. Every time I’ve seen him before, they have been full of life. Now he just looks tired.
Before I can stop the question, it pops out. “Are you okay?”
He looks caught off guard and stops tossing the keys into the air instantly.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you disappeared all of last week and now you just randomly show up in the middle of the night, looking extremely tired. I was just wondering—”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know I had to report to you. Your list isn’t the only thing I have going on in my life.”
The tone in his voice is so harsh, I instantly take a step back. Out of all the weeks I’ve known him, he’s never been anything but kind to me, never talked to me as bitterly as he just did, and I hate that tears are welling in my eyes. I don’t let them fall.
“I know you have other things going on, and no, I don’t expect you to check in, but I did consider us to be friends, Phoenix. And, as a friend, I notice you look tired and am concerned. My mistake, it won’t happen again.”
I don’t give him a chance to respond to my outburst. I just spin on my heel and start stomping back to my front door. “Don’t worry about my list either. I don’t need you to complete it!” I add over my shoulder.
“Caroline!” he shouts, regret in his voice, but I don’t let that stop me from walking away. It hurts now, but I keep telling myself in my head it’s better this way. He clearly has a lot going on, and, judging by Violet’s reaction, it’s stuff I shouldn’t be anywhere near.
“Caroline, please, just wait a second.”
I hear his heavy footsteps running behind me, so I quicken my pace. I’m just about to walk up the first step leading to the front door when his hand wraps around my arm. He turns me around to face him.
“Please, let go of me.” The calmness in my voice is fake. Inside, I’m a wreck, but the last thing I want is for him to see me break.
He lets me go immediately and even takes a step back. “I’m sorry, okay. You’re right, I’m exhausted and it’s been a long week. I snapped and I shouldn’t have. Forgive me?”
I know it is a mistake to look in his eyes when he’s pleading with me, but I do, and of course all thoughts of walking away from him and shutting him out of my life cease to exist. Finally, after a hard swallow, I give a small nod to let him know I do forgive him.
The corner of my lip tips up in a small smile when Phoenix lets out a long, relieved breath. “So, will you come with me?”
Without even thinking about it,
I answer. “Yes.”
“Okay, baby. Go get dressed and pack a bag.”
“Pack a bag?”
“Yeah, babe. Pack a bag. This one is going to be an overnighter.”
“But—”
“Save all questions and concerns until you get out of your cute ass pajamas and have your bag packed.”
Now, I’m sure basically any other girl in this situation would jump at the opportunity I’m being offered right now. An overnight trip with the incredibly sexy Phoenix Castle? Yes, any other would go, no questions asked, but I’m not just any other girl. I’m Caroline Taylor and I have questions, but he’s Phoenix and he’s not about to answer them. I learn this as soon as I open my mouth and he silences me by putting his finger on my mouth.
“No questions. Just get dressed.”
Without another word, he places both of his hands on my shoulder, turns me around toward the house, and gives me a gentle push in that direction.
I move like a robot once I reach my room. First, I grab my suitcase from under my bed. Momentarily, I think about asking him where we are going so I know what to pack, but I decide against it because I know he’s not going to answer the question anyway.
I’m just throwing my jacket on when I stop dead. “Bubbles.”
I can’t leave Bubbles alone, especially if I’m not even sure how long I’m going to be gone. Maybe if Phoenix can wait until tomorrow, I could ask Violet to watch her?
“Hey, Phoenix.” I stop walking as soon as I reach my living room and see Phoenix holding Bubbles’s fish bowl.
“You ready?”
“Uh…yeah. Actually, I was wondering if we could leave tomorrow? I was going to ask Violet if she could watch Bubbles.”
“No need. Bubbles is coming along for the ride.” He smiles.
Love, Unwanted (Discovering Love #3) Page 4