by L A Cotton
Even after everything, part of me hoped that she would turn around, take off that shit she was wearing, and watch some TV with me like a normal mom. But in true Ellen Porter style, she said, “Don’t wait up.”
Minutes passed, and I remained. Clutching the edge of the counter, I trained my eyes on the door as my pulse throbbed against my skull. Since Dad left, I’d gone through every emotion possible. Hurt. Anger. Hatred. Dejection. Confusion. And when Mom first turned to the bottle, I’d blamed him. But deep down, I knew he hadn’t unscrewed the lid and handed it to her. He wasn’t the one making her drink until she couldn’t stand straight or passed out on the couch. A storm swept through me, roiling my stomach and building in me until tears pricked my eyes. But I wouldn’t cry because crying wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t help take care of Eli or get Mom sober. I dragged deep breaths into my lungs, forcing out the thoughts until the storm settled.
No longer hungry, I threw the burger and fries into the trashcan, checked in on Eli, and went to my room. At least in sleep, I could pretend that everything wasn’t falling apart around me.
~
Light streamed into the room as I peeked an eye open, rubbing a hand over my face. Something felt wrong. I threw back the covers and raced to Eli’s room. A head full of dark hair poked out of the top of his comforter, so I closed his door. The house was quiet as I entered the living area, scanning for any signs of life. I doubled back and turned down the hallway leading to Mom’s room. The door was open, light pouring out.
“Mom?”
Nothing.
I braced myself to find her passed out on the bed … or worse, but when I peered around her door, I was met with a freshly made bed. It could only mean one thing. I jogged back to my room and found my cell phone and dialed her number. She answered on the fifth ring. “Evan? Baby? What’s wrong?” her voice was raspy.
“Where are you?”
“I’m …” Silence filled the line. “Shit, baby, I must have fallen asleep.”
My heart sank. “Can you get home?”
Something rustled over the line, and then a quiet voice said, “I … hmm, I’m going to need you to come and get me.”
I dragged a hand over my face. If it wasn’t for the sleeping boy down the hall, I would have told her to find her own way home, but I couldn’t do that to Eli.
“You’ll have to wait while I figure something out with Eli. He’s sleeping.”
Mom made a sound that sounded a lot like a whimper, and for a second, I was relieved she felt disgusted with herself, but then I remembered how often this shit was happening and my empathy ebbed away.
“I’m at the Sunny Days Motel on Brookfield.”
A shudder worked its way through me as I imagined my mother—the woman who raised me—at a seedy place like that, known more for its after-dark activities than its sunny days.
“I’ll be there in an hour.”
She mumbled something, but I was already hanging up. There was no way I could take Eli with me. He didn’t need to see his mom like that. Ever. And with Mellie out of town, my options were limited.
Scrolling through my contacts, I picked the lesser of two evils.
Becca
Evan opened the door, a grim expression plastered on his face. “I’m sorry. My neighbor had to leave town for a while.”
“She did? What will you do?”
He shrugged, and something flickered in my chest. From what I gathered, they had no one else, which meant it all fell to Evan. “We’ll figure something out,” he said.
“Becca,” Eli shrieked as he skidded across the floor to me. “What’s cookin’ good wookin’?” He catapulted himself at me, one of his chubby arms landing right on my bruise. I winced but quickly covered with a strained laugh.
Evan’s eyes narrowed on me, and for a second, I thought he’d seen the flash of pain on my face. But when he scooped Eli up in his arms and said, “Where’d you hear that, buddy?” I figured I’d had a lucky escape.
Eli pressed his lips into a flat line and shook his head.
“Fine. I guess I’ll just have to tickle it out of you.”
Squeals of delight filled the room, and I smiled as I watched the two of them—it was impossible not to. The sight of them goofing around made my heart ache—for the Porter brothers, for Evan and me. He caught my eye across the room. I should have looked away, but I didn’t. Instead, I held his gaze, pouring everything I felt into it. The hurt, the pain … the confusion. Then in true Eli style, the little guy stole the show by shrieking, “I sirwender, I sirwender.” It came out garbled through all the tears and laughter, and the moment between Evan and me passed.
Maybe that was all we were now—fleeting moments and stolen glances.
“Okay, okay.” Evan swung Eli down and helped him regain his balance. “But I’ll get it out of you later, buddy.”
Eli giggled.
“So Becca’s going to watch you for an hour while I go get Mom, okay?”
“Where is she?” he asked so innocently, and I saw the flash of despair in Evan’s eyes.
“She’s, hmm, she’s at work. They opened real early, and she had to go in and help out, okay?”
He shrugged his shoulders and came over to me. “It’s cool. Me and Becca have cwub stuff to do.”
“We do?” I crouched down to him. “And what exactly does this club stuff involve?”
“You’ll see.” He flashed me a smile that had me smiling back.
“Sounds good. Has he had breakfast?” I turned my attention to Evan, and he shook his head. “No problem,” I said. “We can rustle something up, right, buddy?”
Eli nodded, but he was too busy watching whatever was playing on the television behind me.
“Go. He’ll be fine.”
Evan’s eyes were no longer trained on me; they were watching the little boy beside me. “I won’t be long. It means bringing her back here. Is that …” He ran a hand over his head and down his neck. “Is that going to be okay?”
“Go,” I urged. If he kept asking, there was every chance I’d change my mind. I was in no rush to meet Ellen again, not after last time, but I was here for Eli.
Evan grabbed his keys and headed out, and I checked the refrigerator for supplies. “Eli, do you like pancakes?”
“Can I have them with ice cweam?”
“No, no ice cream. It’s breakfast, buddy.”
“Ohhh kay, can I have sirrup?”
I checked the cabinet and found a bottle of syrup. “That we can do. Do you want to help me mix the batter?”
“Nah, I’m watchin’ Paw Patrowl.”
Well, okay then. After collecting all the ingredients, I prepared the batter and found a pan. Within no time, a sugary sweet smell filled the small kitchen, and I served up two plates.
“Eli, breakfast.”
He bounded over, clambering up onto one of the stools with ease. “These wook good.”
“Here’s the syrup, buddy.” I pushed the bottle in his direction. “But not too much.”
“Mom says I’m aweady sweet enough.” He beamed, and it tugged at my heartstrings. He was just an innocent boy—completely unaware that Evan was on his way to collect her from a motel because she got so drunk she couldn’t make her own way home.
We ate in comfortable silence. For an almost-four-year-old, Eli was good company, and after stuffing the last mouthful of pancake into his mouth, he pushed his plate aside. “They were gooooood! Fanks, Becca.”
“All finished?”
He nodded and belched, clapping a hand over his mouth at my wide eyes. “Oops.”
“What do you say?” I asked.
“Excuse me.” He ducked his head as pink tinted his cheeks.
“You go and watch your show, and I’ll clean up.”
When I was satisfied the kitchen was as clean as I found it, I joined Eli on the couch. “Paw Patrol again, huh?”
“It’s my favrite,” he said, eyes never leaving the screen.
“I kn
ow, buddy. I know.”
After the third episode, I began to feel restless. When Evan asked me to come over, I hadn’t been thinking about anything but Eli. Now all I could think about was what would Ellen say when she found me in her house with her son.
The door rattled, and I almost leaped out of my skin, earning me a snicker from Eli. “Is it Ev?” he asked, eyes still glued to the television.
“Where’s my baby boy?” a woman’s voice filled the room, and Eli jumped up with a shriek of excitement. “Momma!”
“Come here, sweet boy.”
I sat rigid, unable to turn around and greet them. She hadn’t noticed me yet; I knew she hadn’t because the second she did, silence descended over the room.
“Evan? What the hell is she doing here?” Her voice was eerily calm, and it sent chills racing up my spine.
“Mom,” he said coolly. “Becca watched Eli.”
“Baby, go play in your room.”
“But I don’t wanna,” Eli protested.
I shifted ever so slightly so I could see them out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t bring myself to look at them head-on, not with the hostility radiating from her.
“Hey bud, shall we play hide and seek? You go hide, and I’ll come find you in a minute, okay?”
Placated, Eli rushed off to his room.
“Get out of my house.” She was there, in front of me, dressed in the same clothes she’d no doubt left the house in the night before. Untamed frizzy hair and dried mascara around her eyes, Ellen Porter was a mess. But it had nothing on the anger rolling off her.
“Mom, Becca is a friend. I had no one to take care of Eli. Mellie is out of town, remember?”
Realization flickered across her face, but her eyes never left mine as they narrowed into thin slits. “Get. Out. Of. My. House.”
I rose calmly, keeping my hands plastered to my sides, and walked right past her. No words were spoken, no eye contact made, as I walked out of there holding my breath. Evan’s jaw clenched, his posture tense with fury, but I kept going until my hand wrapped around the door handle and I yanked, stumbling out into the fresh air. It was like a slap in the face, and my composure slipped away as tears rushed to the surface.
Why had I come here? I didn’t deserve this. She didn’t know me from Adam, yet she obviously didn’t like me. I willed my legs to move, to start walking, but I couldn’t stop trembling, and before I knew what was happening, Evan was there, pulling me into his arms. “I am so sorry. She’s a bitch.”
His arms smoothed down my back and around my waist, anchoring us together. I’d missed this—being close to Evan—and for a second, I allowed him to comfort me.
But that was all it could be, and soon, I said, “Stop, stop.” I struggled out of his hold and reared back, my hand shooting to my side. “What are you doing, Evan?”
“I ...” His eyes glittered with emotion, and then he focused on my arm. “You’re hurt.”
It wasn’t a question. “I’m fine,” I said. “This, us, it’s done. Maybe this was a bad idea. I thought I could help out with Eli, but your mom hates me and being around you makes me...” I swallowed hard, his intense gaze pinning me to the spot. What had I been about to say?
Evan inched closer, and I retreated, trying to keep some distance between us, but my back hit a wall, and I sucked in a sharp breath.
One of Evan’s arms came up to the side of my head, his palm flat against the paneling. “Being around me makes you what, Becca?”
He was too close. I couldn’t think straight with him so near, with him looking at me like that.
“Evan, I ...”
His free hand traced my cheek, burying itself in my hair as he gazed down at me. “What is it, Becca? Talk to me, please.”
“I ...” The words lodged in my throat as my eyes shuttered. I couldn’t let him do this to me, not again. Pushing hard against his chest, I ducked around him and hurried down to the sidewalk.
Had I really been about to let him kiss me? More importantly, had I wanted him to?
“Becca, wait.” He sounded desperate, and part of me wanted to turn around and run to him, to tell him that all was forgiven. But I knew better. We both still had secrets, and in the end, they would destroy us.
~
When I got home, I went straight to my room and threw myself on the bed, my body still trembling from being so close to Evan. I should have known better than to think I could be close without really being close. The memories of him, us, were still too real.
“Becca, I’m going to town. Did you want to come?” Mom yelled, and I called back, “No.”
I didn’t want to play happy families. Not with her. Or Dad—not that he was around much lately. Mom said he was busy, but I wondered if his own guilt was too much for him to bear. There was a pause. I couldn’t hear her sigh, but I imagined it. She just wanted things to go back to how they were when I was a happy-go-lucky teenager with the world at my feet. But we couldn’t go back. That girl was gone.
My cell phone bleeped, and I rolled onto my back, drawing my knees up, and dug it out of my pocket.
Hey, it’s Lilly. Wondered if you wanted to catch a movie later?
I rolled my eyes; of course, I knew it was her. It bleeped again before I could reply.
Please x
Can’t tonight, I’m busy.
I lied.
Her reply simply said I miss you, and this time, I didn’t respond. The truth was I missed her too. I missed Jay and Scarlett; hell, I even missed Vin. But this—keeping to myself—was the only way to protect me, wasn’t it? I’d already given up so much since arriving in Credence; I didn’t know how much was left to give.
The cell phone bleeped again, and I muttered under my breath. Lilly sure was persistent. But when I swiped my finger across the screen and read the text message, everything stopped.
The game’s just starting, bitch … you'd better beware
Will you pick truth or dare?
It was the same unknown number from before, but if Kendall thought that would scare me, she was wrong. So wrong. I was done running scared. If she wanted a war, she could bring it.
Evan
Becca avoided me all week at school. In the one class we shared, she kept her eyes up front, acting as if I wasn’t there. And if she saw me heading toward her in the hallway, she doubled back and went in the other direction.
It hurt.
It hurt so fucking bad I wanted to punch something just to feel a different kind of pain.
After Saturday, watching her with Eli, part of me hoped she was thawing. But then Mom went and ruined everything. Becca hadn’t deserved her venom, but Mom—despite her shortcomings—was a proud woman and territorial to a fault. Maybe it was a mistake to bring Becca over to watch Eli, but I refused to run to Elaina and Darryl every time we needed someone. They would lap up having me even more in their grasp than I already was.
Peters was right, though; Becca needed more time. But the longer we were apart, the more worried I was that we would never find our way back to one another.
“Watch it, Porter.” Trevor shoulder checked me out of the way, throwing me a sneer as he made his way across the hallway to Kendall. When he reached her, he wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck. She shrieked, her eyes slamming to mine over his shoulder in an ugly smirk. He claimed her in a sloppy kiss, for everyone to see, their friends laughing and joking with them. To them, they were the perfect couple. Both bad to the core and made for each other. I should have walked away; I should have left them to it and not looked back. But the past few weeks were wearing thin, and I found myself unable to tear my hardened glare off them, anger radiating through my bones.
Kendall must have felt me watching. She reeled Trevor back into her, pressing them against the locker, and her eyes never left mine as he continued to feel her up in front of everyone. Jesus, this was fucked up. What did she hope? That their little show would make me jealous? He was welcome to her; I wanted nothing from her—I ne
ver had. You couldn’t choose your family, but you could choose the people you let into your life, and Kendall would never be one of them. She wasn’t wired right. Just like the rest of her family.
My cell phone vibrated, and I finally snapped out of the red haze.
“Hello?”
“Hello, is that Evan? Evan Porter? This is Eli’s pre-K teacher.”
My heart sank into my stomach. “Yeah?”
“We’ve been trying to get a hold of your mother, but she isn’t answering.”
“She’s at work,” I lied. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. Eli doesn’t feel well, and we were hoping you could come pick him up.”
“I’ll be right there.”
She thanked me and hung up. I didn’t even bother signing out. I just walked out of school, got into my car, and drove off. Because that was who I was. Because this was my future.
And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it
~
“I don’t feel so good.” Eli groaned, clutching his tummy as I hauled him out of his seat and into my arms.
“Come on, E. Let’s get you to bed.”
“Will you stay with me? I don’t wanna be sick.”
“How about we get your pillow and make you a bed on the couch?” He nodded against my shoulder, pained groans coming from him. “It’s okay, buddy. I’ve got you.” I managed to get the door open without putting him down and went straight to the living room. The house was quiet with no signs of Mom.
“Here.” I laid him down gently, tucking a cushion behind his head. “I’ll get you pajamas and your pillow, okay?”
“Thanks, Evan. I wuv you.”
I managed a strangled reply as I left him and went to get his things. Inside his room, I pushed his door and retrieved my cell phone from my pocket.
“Evan?”
“Where the hell are you?”
I could hear commotion in the background, voices and laughter. Mom sighed down the line like my call was a huge inconvenience. “I’m out with your aunt.”