So she took a large gulp of her mulled wine for courage and tentatively opened the journal. She began to read. The apartment was in darkness except for the flickering light of the fire and fairy-lights and the reading lamp beside her. The evocative scent of Yankee candle Christmas filled the air and she found herself becoming lost in Paul's heartfelt words.
"I'm home!" Evette called from the hall.
Nicole nearly jumped out of her skin. She'd been so immersed in her reading that she hadn't even heard her sister returning home.
"Are you ok?" Evette stopped short in mid-sentence.
Her sister looked stunned and pale, shell-shocked almost. She'd never seen that expression on her face before.
"Read this," Nicole replied, as she thrust Paul's journal into her hands. "I need more wine."
She returned a few minutes later to find tears rolling down her sister's face.
"Oh my goodness, Nic, these are the most beautiful words I've ever read."
“I can't believe it." Nicole still seemed stunned.
Evette couldn't take her eyes off the book in front of her.
"Listen to this. It's a love letter by Ludwig van Beethoven to his beloved.”
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us. I can live only wholly with you or not at all. Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul, enwrapped in you into the land of spirits.
Yes, unhappily it must be so. You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart, never, never. Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life. Your love makes me at once the happiest and unhappiest of men.
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together. Be calm, love me, today, yesterday, what tearful longings for you, you, you, my life, my all, farewell. Oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine
Ever mine
Ever ours
Evette’s voice caught in her throat.
"I haven't been able to stop reading," Nicole said. "I can't believe the time and effort Paul's put into his journal. He's always hated reading and writing. He's never written anything for me before. Even the cards he gave me for our anniversary and Valentine's Day were never emotional. I don't care that he's mixed his words in with some of the greatest love letters ever written, in fact it makes it even more poignant."
"It's so romantic," Evette sniffed.
"If you think that's romantic then you should read this."
Nicole took the journal from her sister for a moment and flipped through the pages.
"It's written by Honore de Balzac to his lover, Eva."
My beloved angel,
I am nearly mad about you, as much as one can be mad: I cannot bring together two eyes that you do not interpose yourself between them.
I can no longer think of anything but you. In spite of myself, my imagination carries me to you. I grasp you, I kiss you, I caress you, a thousand of the most amorous caresses take possession of me.
As for my heart, there you will always be; very much so. I have a delicious sense of you there. But my God, what is to become of me, if have deprived my reason? This is a monomania which, this morning, terrifies me. I rise up every morning saying to myself, "Come, I am going there!" Then I sit down again, moved by the sense of my obligations. There is a frightful conflict. This is not life. I have never before been like that. You have devoured everything.
I feel foolish and happy as soon as I think of you. I whirl round in a delicious dream in which in one instant I live a thousand years. What a horrible situation!
Overcome with love, feeling love in every pore, living only for love, and seeing oneself consumed by grief, and caught in a thousand spiders' threads.
I talk to you as if you were there. I see you, as I did yesterday, beautiful, astonishingly beautiful.
Yesterday, during the whole evening, I said to myself "she is mine!" Ah! The angels are not as happy in Paradise as I was yesterday!
Evette turned to the last page in the journal.
"Have you read this, Nic?"
"What is it?"
"I think you should read it for yourself," Evette passed the journal to her sister.
Nicole carefully read the last page that Paul had written;
"Nicole, you are the love of my life. I know I'm hopeless at expressing my feelings, which is why I wrote this journal for you. I mean every word that I've written. If you want to be with me, then meet me at seven o' clock on Christmas Eve in Killarney, under the town clock. If you decide that you don't want me anymore, then I understand and I promise to leave you alone. I'll be on the first flight out of here after Christmas. I don't think I can stay here anymore, because everywhere I look I'm reminded of you and it will be too painful for me."
Nicole gasped. "What time is it?" She ran frantically into the kitchen to check the clock. "It's five o' clock. It'll take me at least an hour to drive there. I can't be late or he'll think I'm not coming! I have to go to him. I have to go to him now! Can I borrow your car, please, Ev?"
"You can't drive, you've been drinking and so have I! I had one too many mulled wines at the Christmas markets in town."
"I'll have to get a taxi."
"A taxi on Chrismas Eve will cost an absolute fortune!"
"I don't care!" Nicole snapped. "I never knew how much Paul loved me. I have to go and I have to go now!” She struggled into her coat and pulled on her scarf and gloves, while Evette rang for a taxi. Nicole grabbed her handbag and kissed her sister goodbye. "Wish me luck, sis," she grinned.
"Good luck! I'll be thinking of you," Evette smiled. "The taxi should be outside in a few minutes."
Nicole ran to the elevator and outside where the taxi was just pulling up. “Killarney, please," she instructed the taxi driver. "I'll pay you double if you can get me there by seven."
"I'll do my best, love, but the traffic is hectic," he replied.
Nicole nodded and pulled her mobile phone from her handbag. She tried dialling Paul's number but there was no reply. It went straight to voicemail. She took a few deep breaths to calm her pounding heart. Reading Paul's journal had made everything clear to her. She had missed him so much and she didn't want to live another day without him.
She felt simultaneously excited and nervous. Her stomach was doing somersaults at the thought of seeing him again. She'd wondered why he hadn't been contacting her much these past few weeks. He seemed strangely aloof and distant.
Of course, he had probably assumed that she'd read the journal and he must have thought it peculiar that she made no reference or mention of it in their recent conversations. She wondered if he'd given up hope of her meeting him. Please be there, she thought desperately.
Traffic out of the city was indeed very heavy, just as the taxi driver had said. It had literally taken them half an hour to crawl slowly to the city's outskirts. She couldn't wait for them to get onto the motorway where she knew they could pick up speed.
She thanked God that she hadn't gone last minute Christmas shopping with her sister that morning, otherwise she would never have read Paul's journal in time. Her mind raced with thoughts of him. Where is he planning on going? Please God let him be there.
She prayed fervently for the first time in a very long time. She'd abandoned God after everything that had happened to her since that fateful day in September because she partly blamed Him for the disaster that had turned her life upside down.
Now she realised that the wedding fiasco had in fact been a blessing in disguise. It had opened her eyes to what truly mattered in her life and taught her to start living with her heart and not so much with her head.
She tried to practice her Yoga breathing in a
vain effort to calm her nerves, but it didn't help. All she could think about was seeing Paul again. She checked her mobile phone for the umpteenth time, wondering if he'd returned her call.
"How long more 'til we're in Killarney?" she asked the taxi driver, as she tried to keep the desperation out of her voice.
"I'm doing the best I can, love. If I go any faster I'll be breaking the speed limits."
"OK." Nicole sat back in her seat and looked out the window at the beautiful winter landscape. She could see the majestic mountains of Killarney National Park in the far distance. The sun was just setting over the mountains, casting a golden glow over their snowy peaks. She shivered, suddenly becoming aware of the flimsy top she was wearing underneath her coat. She wished she'd taken a few extra minutes to change her clothes. She was wearing a light tee-shirt and her oldest pair of faded jeans. She glanced down at her battered runners and wished she was wearing her power heels. They always made her feel more in control. She thrust her hands deeper into her pockets and huddled against the taxi's heater for warmth.
"We're almost there, love," the taxi driver interrupted her thoughts. Nicole's heart lurched. "Where shall I drop you?"
"Anywhere around here is fine, thank you."
She paid the driver and jumped out of the taxi. He'd dropped her on the outskirts of the town so she had a ten minute walk ahead of her to reach the town centre, where the clock was situated. She wanted to walk in the cold, evening air to try to steady her nerves before she met Paul. She pulled her hat down over her ears and walked briskly. The town was filled with last-minute stragglers as they finished their final gift purchases before making their journey home. Christmas carols blasted from restaurant stereo systems; the party season had well and truly begun.
Nicole rounded the corner just in front of the square. She could see the clock and a few people standing under it. Everyone arranged to meet under the town's huge old clock, which was more than two hundred years old. Suddenly she saw Paul and her heart soared. She ran to him and he immediately enveloped her in his arms, covering her face in kisses.
"I can't believe you're here," he whispered as he held her close. "I wasn't sure you'd come."
"Of course I'm here. I love you so much Paul, too much to ever let you go." She buried her face in his chest and breathed in his familiar soapy scent. She'd missed him so much, more than she'd realised; being in his arms felt like coming home at last.
They stood there for some time, wrapped in each other's arms, not caring who was looking at them. Nicole never wanted to let him go.
"I love you," Paul said. "I'm so happy you came back to me."
He had tears in his eyes as he gazed at her. She felt the last bit of hurt and anger dissipate as she saw the love in his eyes. She shivered involuntarily.
"Let's get out of the cold," he suggested. "I think it's going to freeze tonight."
He held her hand as they walked to the nearest restaurant. It was packed with people who were enjoying the festive atmosphere. The air was filled with laughter and happy chattering. They were lucky enough to find a table for two by the open fire. They ordered two hot chocolates with marshmallows and pulled their chairs close together.
"I'm so glad we didn't have to go for any more counselling sessions," Paul said. "I could see the strain it was putting on you and I hated putting you through it."
"I know, I've always been uncomfortable with sharing my problems, especially with strangers."
"I was hoping my journal would let you see how much I love and have always loved you. I'm so sorry for how I treated you and I promise to spend the rest of my life making it up to you." "Sssh, enough of that now," Nicole put a finger to his lips to silence him. "We have a lot of lost time to make up." She leaned over and kissed him softly.
"I want you," he murmured, burying his face in her hair.
Chapter 24
"Good morning, sweetheart." Nicole stirred from her slumber and stretched luxuriously under the softness of the duvet. It was the best night's sleep she'd had in months.
"Good morning, darling." She struggled to sit up in bed. "Something smells good."
The welcome smell of strong coffee and toast wafted in the air towards her. Paul was busily stirring milk and sugar into their drinks. "I could get used to this treatment," she teased, taking the coffee that he offered her. She reached up to kiss him. "I love you."
"I love you too," Paul whispered as he gently kissed her mouth.
"I've missed you." Nicole could see his desire for her burning in his eyes.
"I've missed you too." Their kisses grew more urgent. He kissed her mouth, her neck, her breasts.
"I want you," she said as she unwrapped herself from the duvet and pulled him on top of her.
It was the sweetest love they'd ever made, made all the sweeter by the months they'd been apart. Time seemed to stand still as they lost themselves in their love. Afterwards, they held each other close and dozed peacefully. The sound of the telephone ringing startled them awake.
"Hello," Nicole answered.
"This is your wake up call, madam. It's seven o' clock. Good morning and Merry Christmas." Nicole sat bolt upright in bed.
"What on earth's the matter?" Paul asked.
"It's seven o' clock on Christmas morning!" she cried. "I should be at home cooking! I completely forgot about everything after last night. Thank God I remembered to ask for a wakeup call."
"Don't stress, love, you've got plenty of time."
She jumped out of bed and almost ran to the shower. She was showered and dressed in no time. "Oh, no, how am I going to get home?" she tore around the bedroom, flinging things into her handbag. "I'll never get a taxi on Christmas morning."
"I'll drive you in my car," Paul offered, yawning and stretching as if he had all the time in the world. Relief spread across Nicole's face.
"I'll just grab a quick shower and then we'll be off. I'll have you home in less than two hours. Have another coffee and relax."
"Ok." She refilled her coffee cup and stood by the window while Paul showered and dressed.
Nicole smiled as she looked out over the snow-capped mountains and valleys below her. It was a bitterly cold morning. The temperatures had plummeted dramatically overnight and the ground was covered in a white blanket of snow which had fallen overnight. The bright winter sun glittered on the frosty branches of the trees. It was a perfect winter wonderland. She sighed contentedly.
They had stayed the night in the penthouse suite at the Killarney Plaza Hotel and Towers and what an amazing night it had been. They had spent hours making love and talking. The tension and awkwardness that had existed between them had completely evaporated and Nicole finally felt at peace with her decision to give Paul another chance. She knew he'd changed and more importantly she'd changed too. It felt like their relationship was already on a more even keel. Gone was the old Nicole who constantly wanted to please Paul and in her place was someone who knew what she wanted and was no longer afraid to express it.
"I'll see you later," Paul said as he kissed her goodbye. "I love you."
"I love you too. Dinner should be ready at five-ish." She kissed him quickly before jumping out of his car and hurrying into the apartment, where she knew Evette would be looking forward to hearing all the gossip.
"Tell me everything!" Evette rushed to the front door to greet her, before she had barely put her key in the lock.
Nicole laughed. "Well, we're back together for sure," she grinned.
"Somehow, I gathered that much. You look happy." "I am happy; the happiest I've been in quite a while."
"I don't suppose I should ask you to elaborate on the details?" Evette teased. Nicole blushed and grinned.
"I'm afraid Christmas dinner is going to be late," Nicole apologised, changing the subject. "We didn't wake up until quite late."
"Everything is under control, sis, don't you worry. I was up at the crack of dawn, stuffing the turkey and it's been in the oven since half past six."
"Thanks, Ev, you're the best!"
"I'm just relieved you came back in time to organise the rest of the cooking. I was dreading having to cook the rest of the dinner myself. I called mom earlier to ask her for detailed instructions on how to sort the turkey and she talked me through everything step by step. I wouldn't be surprised if I've forgotten something important."
"I'm sure you did everything perfectly, but I might go and have a quick check on how it's coming along, unless you want to do it?"
"No, no, it's all yours, sis. I've done enough cooking for one day," Evette insisted.
The wonderful smells of roast turkey filled the kitchen.
"It smells delicious already," Nicole smiled, as she basted the roast. "My compliments to the chef."
Evette was rummaging about in the cupboards, searching for glasses. She pulled a bottle of chilled Champagne and some freshly squeezed orange juice from the refrigerator, then she proceeded to fill two flutes with a Champagne and orange concoction.
"What is it?" Nicole asked, as she dubiously accepted the glass her sister offered.
"It's Buck's Fizz, a traditional drink to celebrate Christmas Day," Evette explained. "Merry Christmas!" They clinked their glasses together and sipped their drinks. "It's pleasantly refreshing," Nicole said, sounding surprised.
"Shall we exchange our gifts now or wait until later?" Evette asked.
"I think we should wait until everyone's here." There were piles of gifts heaped under the tree and Evette couldn't wait to get her hands on them. "You never were any good at waiting," Nicole laughed.
"Tell me about it. How many people are coming to dinner anyway?"
"There'll be mom, dad, Paul and us, of course; quite a small gathering, actually."
"Everyone's gone to their parents for dinner," Evette said. "I'm surprised Paul isn't having dinner with his family."
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