by Sarah Price
He motioned again toward Samuel. “I commend you, Samuel Esh, for feeling so strongly about this as to request a public confession before the g’may.”
Kate’s head snapped in Samuel’s direction. He had requested that he be allowed to confess in public? Emotions welled in her throat as she began to realize what had not been said: that he’d confessed on purpose in order to let her know she was not alone in how she felt.
“Oh help,” she whispered. She reached again for Verna’s hand.
“But the guilt you have borne has surely been punishment enough,” the bishop said. Then, as if in an afterthought, he added, “For all of you who knew of this sin and felt guilt. I want to remind everyone of Proverbs 3, verses 5 and 6: ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.’ It is not up to us to question the decisions that He makes, as long as we accept the Lord and love Him, regardless of the situation and the outcome. ‘He will make straight your paths.’”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
She sat on the porch, gently rocking back and forth in the shade from the overhang. She rested her head on the back of the rocking chair, watching as the sun set in the sky. The colors shifted, changing from oranges and reds to purples and blues. Occasionally a bird would fly by, chirping a good-night song as it dipped down through the growing cornfields.
What a long and unusual day, she thought. While she didn’t profess to understand her feelings about everything that had happened, she did sense a release of tension at home. Upon returning from worship service, Maem sought out Daed. They disappeared outside for a while and Kate suspected that she was sharing the events of the members’ meeting. Since Miriam and Becca were not baptized yet, they did not know what had occurred. However, Kate was certain they suspected something important happened, especially when Maem didn’t stay for fellowship but left shortly after the service.
After she had returned home, Kate found her maem kneeling in her herb garden. Cautiously, Kate slipped through the wooden gate and approached her. For a few long minutes, Kate stood behind her maem, watching in silence as she prayed.
“Sometimes I feel him here.”
The words had been so soft that Kate almost didn’t hear them.
“Who, Maem?”
“Jacob.”
Kate didn’t speak.
“I shut my eyes and I see him,” she continued. “I can even hear his laugh.” A soft chuckle slipped through her lips. “I spent so much time lamenting the past that I reckon I forgot how to live in the present.”
Kate knew what she meant. She, too, had done the same thing . . . until Samuel had forced her to begin living again.
“I’m so sorry, Kate.” Maem glanced over her shoulder. “I never meant to burden you with guilt. It wasn’t fair.”
Taking a step forward, Kate placed her hand on Maem’s shoulder, a gesture of both understanding and forgiveness. Maem tilted her head, pressing her cheek against the back of Kate’s hand. For a long while, they stood like that, mother and daughter, sharing a moment of silence that spoke louder than words.
Now, as she sat on the porch, Kate sighed and shut her eyes for a moment, trying to wrap her head around what all had occurred that day.
Oh, she had suspected that Daed knew about the whiskey bottle in the buggy. She never once thought that Maem was aware of it. From the sounds of it, however, neither of her parents had been oblivious to David’s inclination to drink alcohol. They had also been aware it had caused the accident.
And for all of these months, Kate had thought she was the only one, and had blamed herself thoroughly. Now it was clear that other members of the g’may had also witnessed and knew of David’s problematic behavior. She realized that she needed to rethink the events of the past six months.
When Maem and Daed returned inside the house, they seemed to watch Kate with great apprehension. With Miriam, Becca, and David around, Kate knew that they would not say anything to her. But she was curious as to what they had discussed. For some reason, they seemed stronger and more unified, not responding to David right away when he demanded a glass of water or a blanket. Kate imagined that he, too, suspected something was amiss. For once, his bark had a little less bite.
She couldn’t say that she was displeased.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a horse and buggy driving down the lane. Her pulse quickened: Samuel.
She sat up, her feet on the porch to steady the rocking chair as she waited for him to park the buggy and walk toward the porch. He still wore his Sunday clothes, his black hat perched atop his head, slightly tilted so that his eyes were shaded from the sun.
“Hello there, Kate Zook,” he said as he put one foot on the porch step but remained standing on the walkway.
She forced a small smile, feeling awkward after the dramatic incident at the members’ meeting earlier that day. “Hello, Samuel,” she managed to reply. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw movement at the window. Maem peered out, but upon seeing Samuel standing there with Kate, she backed away. Kate suspected that no one would disturb them.
He glanced up at the sky, squinting as he did so. “Nice day out, ja?”
She exhaled. “I reckon you didn’t come here to give me a weather report.”
He pursed his lips as he looked back at her, contemplating his response. Deciding against trying to counter her statement, he shook his head. “Nee, Kate,” he admitted. “I did not.” He pushed his hands into his front pockets and stood up straight. “I came to see if you might take a little ride with me.” He glanced at the buggy as if she didn’t fully understand what he meant. “To talk a spell.”
For a moment, she thought she might decline. After all, no one would bother them on the porch. She felt drained, emotionally and spiritually, and didn’t want to go out. But by nature, she tried not to be difficult. So she nodded her head and stood up, smoothing down the front of her dress before she followed him down the walkway toward his buggy.
He waited to speak until they were on the main road, heading away from her parents’ farm. The air felt warm, even in the open buggy. Thankfully, he drove toward the east so that the sun was not beating on their faces.
“You left worship right after the meeting,” he said.
She shrugged. There wasn’t much to say in way of response. However, she didn’t want to be construed as rude. “I suspect Maem didn’t feel so well afterwards.”
He nodded his head as if he understood what she was saying.
They rode in silence, the horse’s hooves clacking against the road and the wheels of the buggy making a gentle whirling sound. Kate listened to the noise, relaxing under its musical cadence.
“Why’d you do it, Samuel?”
Her question surprised both of them. She had been thinking those words and almost didn’t believe she spoke them aloud until she realized that he was clearing his throat to answer.
“Vell, Kate,” he started slowly. “You said something the other day, when we were talking in the hay barn. You said that if a person knows something is wrong and does no good that it’s a sin. You said that God was no longer with you. I pondered that, Kate. And do you know what I realized?” He paused but didn’t wait for an answer. “If God was no longer with you, then I reckoned God was no longer with me, either.”
“I . . . I don’t understand . . .” The words trailed off, Kate unable to put into words the thought that crossed her mind.
“Oh, Kate,” he said, pulling the buggy over to the side of the road. He held the reins in one hand and turned toward her. “Did you really think that you alone bore the burden of knowing David’s secret? Did you truly believe that you could have stopped him?”
She blinked, but remained silent.
“Many of us knew that he drank. I reckon any one of our youth members could have stood
and confessed today that they, too, could have spoken up! Why, any one of us could have confronted him.”
Many? This shocked her. Was he saying that even more people who’d confessed at the meeting knew about David’s sinful drinking? In the months following the accident, no one had spoken about the real cause. Instead, they’d focused on mourning Ruth’s death and praying for David’s healing. Only Kate had dwelled upon the fact that an empty whiskey bottle lay broken under the wreckage. But maybe others had as well, she realized now.
“Why, one time I saw him leaving that store on the main thoroughfare,” he continued. “You know, the place that sells liquor and doesn’t pay attention to whether the person is underage or Amish? I knew what David carried in that brown paper bag.”
“Did he see you?”
Samuel nodded. “Ja, he did indeed. He just grinned and waved, Kate, as if it was the most natural thing for a seventeen-year-old Amish boy to buy whiskey.”
Stunned, Kate turned her back toward Samuel. She needed time to think about this revelation. For months she had wallowed in the guilt of covering up for her brother’s addiction. Oh, she’d confronted David on more than one occasion before the accident, but his defense that he was merely enjoying his rumschpringe had swayed her to remain silent. After all, he always pointed out, he hadn’t taken the kneeling vow yet.
Still, the memory of that night . . . the way she had let him walk away, knowing Ruth was in the buggy. That decision had haunted her. It burned inside of her for months, the guilt making her unable to forgive herself. It had been sinful to avoid the confrontation.
And she had sinned in similar ways other times. How many times had she covered for him, not informing her daed that David had been drinking at the social gatherings? She dare not even attempt to count them! And all along, she thought that his secret remained with her and her alone.
“I never knew that anyone else was aware . . .”
Samuel placed his hand on her arm. “Kate,” he said. “You cannot claim the responsibility for the sins of your bruder.” He contemplated something, as if he had more to say to her.
“What is it, Samuel?”
“I need to confess something more to you,” he said. He looked uncomfortable, the muscles in his jaw twitching. “Mayhaps this will help to explain a few things.”
Once again, her curiosity piqued, she waited for him to speak.
“I knew that David drank alcohol that evening,” he admitted. “In fact, I was there that night of the accident. You know, at the singing. I stood at the door, waiting for Ella to fetch her shawl, when I overheard you arguing with David outside the door.”
He gave her a moment to digest what he had just said. Kate searched her memory, wondering if this were true. And then she remembered sensing a presence on the porch as she’d faced off with David—how that person had held up a light that had illuminated his twisted, angry expression. She nearly gasped in surprise. A person had seen their exchange. And that person had been Samuel.
“I didn’t know . . .” she said, trailing off.
Samuel reached out to take her hand and, ever so lightly, held it in his hand. Gently, he caressed her skin with his thumb. “Kate, I wanted to step forward and confront David that night, perhaps even drive the buggy home for him, but . . .”
He didn’t need to finish that thought for they both knew that he had not done so.
“And then, when he left and I saw you standing there, the snow on your bonnet and cape, I wanted to offer you a ride.”
Kate raised an eyebrow at this admission. “Why didn’t you?”
He shook his head and sighed, a look of regret on his face. “Believe me, Kate, I asked myself that same question every day for weeks after the accident.” He paused, looking away for a moment. Kate waited for him to collect his thoughts. Clearly, this confession was difficult for him. She could see how he struggled to find the proper words to convey his feelings. “If I had driven up that road to take you home, mayhaps we could have saved Ruth. Better yet, mayhaps it could have been avoided.”
“So what happened?” she asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.
“I told you once about a disagreement I had with someone about doing a good thing. Do you remember?” He removed his hat and set it between them on the buggy seat, shifting his weight in the seat so that he was turned toward her. “I had already asked Ella to ride home. When I suggested that we take you home, she wasn’t partial to the idea of you joining us. For that reason, I did not extend the invitation but, instead, let you walk home alone . . . in the snow.”
He let his hand fall from her shoulder and took her hand in his. “Kate, that decision haunted me. When I heard what happened, I knew that had I listened to my instinct, had I done the right thing, I might have saved you from finding the accident scene.” He chewed on his lower lip, thinking for a moment before he continued. “Even worse, I realized that I had allowed myself to be persuaded from doing the right thing by Ella. For all of her godly traits and righteousness, her lack of compassion toward you in a time of need was something that stuck with me. It made me realize that she was not the woman for me.”
Kate gave a soft gasp, trying to understand what he meant. Did Ella realize this episode was the reason Samuel quit her? If so, suddenly it became clear why Ella blamed Kate for Samuel ending their courtship.
“After I visited with David, I saw what you were living with, Kate.” The muscles in his jaw tensed as he remembered David’s harsh treatment. “I felt angry, Kate. I realized that he blamed you for his situation rather than accepting responsibility for it. He avoided admitting the truth and took his aggression out on you.”
“He’s suffering . . .” she started to say, but Samuel held up his hand to stop her in midsentence.
“Kate, no one deserves to be talked to in such a manner.” A look of contempt flashed across his face as he remembered. “After that Sunday supper, I harbored a lot of anger toward David and I had to pray to release it. After all, he, too, is my neighbor.”
She understood what he meant. Even the hurt and forlorn need prayers and love. That was what God wanted from His people. It was one of the main reasons why she tolerated David’s cruelty.
“But even though he needs consideration and forgiveness, he also needs to learn to accept God’s will and adapt,” Samuel added. “Not to blame others. To do so is to put himself in God’s place.”
She hadn’t considered that perspective before and tilted her head, digesting his words. Had David been playing God with her life? With the lives of her entire family?
Samuel seemed to read her thoughts. “I began to realize how his manipulation was affecting you and how you felt you must make such a sacrifice. You asked why I confessed today. Kate, I could no longer remain silent about what I knew and how I had contributed to the situation.
“You must know, Kate, that it was no coincidence that I happened to be driving along your road on that Saturday when you were walking home from Susan’s.”
Her eyes grew wide as she silently questioned him.
“Did you not hear what I said the other day? About my future? I want my future to include you, Kate Zook. Any woman who could stand up for her values and beliefs, who faced such devastation with such honor and dignity . . . well, I knew that was the woman for me.”
“I . . . I don’t understand . . .”
“What I am saying, Kate Zook, is that I want you to be Samuel’s Kate, my fraa. I want you to plant celery in your garden and, come October, marry me.”
“Oh!”
“I just pray that I can prove myself as virtuous and righteous as you have shown yourself to be,” he added.
She scarcely believed what she heard. After confessing her deepest sins to Samuel, not only had he admitted his own sin but he praised her? “I would never consider myself those things, Samuel,” she whispered. “If you think so, you will su
rely be disappointed.”
He lifted her hand to his mouth, pausing before gently brushing his lips against her skin. “Nee, Kate,” he replied. “I have seen you stand up against Satan, and even when Satan thought he won, you proved yourself a formidable foe. You wear the armor of God wisely, Kate. Any man would be proud to call you his wife.” He took a deep breath before adding, “I’d like that man to be me.”
Wife. The word sounded strange as she repeated it in her head. Wife. All Amish girls were raised with the idea that, one day, they would marry a good Amish man and raise a family, instilling the love of God in their kinner so that they, too, would one day decide to become part of the Amish community. It was a cycle that had been repeating itself for hundreds of years and was the main reason that the Amish communities continued to grow.
Yet, she had all but given up on that dream, especially after David’s accident. Without David’s help, who would assist Daed? When her parents passed, who would take care of David?
“I . . . I don’t know what to say,” she stammered.
He lifted an eyebrow, his blue eyes bright as he stared at her. “I’d like to think you’d say yes.”
“Oh, Samuel,” she started. “Of course I’d love to say yes.” The hesitation in her voice did not detract from the warm glow on his face. “But my daed . . .” she countered, lifting her eyes to look at Samuel. “The burden of tending the farm would fall on Miriam and Becca. I don’t know if I could do that to them, Samuel.”
Once again, he lifted his hand to stop her, a smile on his lips. “No burden will fall to your schwesters, Kate. I’ve already had discussions with your daed about that.”
“Discussions?” she repeated. He had discussed this with Daed? While she was surprised to learn this, she finally felt she could make sense of recent changes in her daed’s demeanor. After Samuel’s help following her injury, Daed had seemed unusually relaxed and cheerful. Certainly that must have been when Samuel talked with Daed. “About what?”