Her response was one of the things I loved about Robin. Did you hear yourself, dude? You said you loved her. Are you ready to go there with that declaration? I thought about what my mind was telling me. There were several things I loved about her, but I didn’t know if I could ever be in love with her – if I could ever open my heart up to that potential again. I’d loved Gabi completely and felt scattered to the wind after she was gone.
I shook off the notion and started running on automatic pilot when it came to the omelets – the one item I managed to cook well. “I guess we’ll have no problem getting along. I can’t stand eating mushrooms for the same reason. I don’t care how good they are for your body and health. How about I make some spinach, turkey, and cheese omelets?”
She nodded enthusiastically and even licked her lips over the idea. “Sounds yummy. Would you like me to help?”
“The only thing I need, honey, is for you to sit right there, not move, and drink the glass of milk I’m pouring you. As long as you’re here, you’ll be eating three meals a day, maybe some snacks too. I hate seeing you so pencil thin. I’d thought it was due to you wanting to lose weight, not because of…”
She held up her hand to stop me. “I know, Jax. Let’s not rehash all this. What’s done is done, and there’s nothing we can do to change it.”
“Well, either way, just know that I think you’re beautiful.” I wanted her to understand that I noticed.
We didn’t talk any further while I cooked. I’d started out trying to make a small omelet for each of us, but it turned into one giant one that I ended up cutting in half and putting on two plates along with some toast, some cut up fruit, and some juice.
I motioned for her to go around the other side of the counter to the bar stools. I put our plates side by side, turned off the stove, and placed the frying pan in the sink to soak.
She waited for me to sit down before she started to eat. It left me wondering, “Did he make you wait in order to eat?”
Her eyes closed, and I watched her hands begin to shake as she nodded. “If I tried to eat before he did, there were consequences to face. I was only allowed to eat if given permission and only if I asked correctly. He only got that way toward the end of our relationship though.”
I felt the rage begin to boil underneath my skin. Never in my life had I ever heard of a wannabe Dom acting so high and mighty. Sure Marissa’s Tom had been an ass, Dawn’s boss had been controlling her diet, and Marjorie’s ex-husband had been a total prick trying to turn her into a slave rather than treat her as a jewel, but none of them had been so horrid as to deny any of them the ability to eat.
“Mark my words, Robin, if I ever encounter that son-of-a-bitch, I’ll make him pay. A true Dom cares about the health and well-being of his submissive. He ensures she eats healthy, has regular check-ups, and that all her physical, emotional, and sensual needs are met.” I’d turned to her and held her gaze as I mentioned the last sentence which had her swallowing hard.
“If you are hungry, I don’t want you asking permission to eat, just open up the pantry or the refrigerator and get what you need. I’ve never had food off-limits unless it’s meant for company, but I’ll let you know well in advance if something special is being saved. You don’t need my permission to eat, nor do you need to wait for me to start eating.” I waved my hand toward her plate. “By all means enjoy.”
I watched as she picked up a fork and poked around at the omelet before selecting a bite and raising it to her mouth. Holy hell! Since when did watching someone eat cause one to get an erection? This is the second time she’s done this to me today.
I picked up my fork and took a bite for myself, closing my eyes and trying to forget the way her mouth looked closing around the fork. That’s when I heard her groan in appreciation of the food. Her voice came out sensual and needy, “This is so good, Jackson. I could suck this food down easily, all the time.”
My arm stretched forward grabbing the end of the counter as I tried to hold on to my sanity. First the kissing and now this! What was she trying to do, kill me with sexual frustration the first night together under the same roof? An ice cold shower was definitely in my future, but first I had to eat my meal with the biggest hard-on I’ve had in ages.
I tried to calm my breathing by thinking about how cold I could get my shower and possibly reaching into the freezer to douse my fire with a handful of ice down my pants. I’m sure the steam coming off my crotch wouldn’t bother her in the least.
Then, I remembered Gabi and what she’d looked like lying in the hospital bed, for all intents and purposes, already dead but being forced to live, coerced into keeping Nicola alive so I could cherish one part of her – a part of us that we’d created together. My erection quickly deflated, and I didn’t taste the omelet anymore. All of my emotion left me; I felt hollow inside again.
I COULDN’T BELIEVE HOW amazing the omelet tasted. I used to believe nothing could taste better than the House of Pancakes’s omelets, but I was wrong. I would’ve never thought to add ground turkey to spinach and cheese, but the combination worked wonders. He’d even added a few tomato slices to the top for decoration, but they tasted amazing too.
His terse words about dealing with Declan sent a chill through me. I prayed their paths never crossed because I could see it being a fight to the death, and, regardless of how much my ex had hurt me, I didn’t wish that on either of them. However, I wasn’t against my ex getting a taste of his own medicine as long as it meant he’d leave me alone.
I couldn’t recall the last time I’d been able to enjoy a home cooked meal. I was free to do what I liked. I just wish my mind and heart would get the message and communicate with one another. My dad, just like Jax, had to remind me to eat whenever I wanted and that I was no longer held to the rules of my ex.
I thought we’d settled things between us, yet I noticed Jax’s facial expression change. He looked like he was remembering something sad. I placed my hand on his shoulder and he jumped. “What’s wrong? What can I do to help?”
His face whipped around to mine as he barked, “No one can help. I shouldn’t even have you here. I can’t have you ending up like Gabi. It’s all my fault.”
He pushed his food aside and collapsed on the counter as a few tears started to fall from his eyes. I knew Jackson wasn’t one to cry easily. He’d returned to work not long after he’d lost Gabi. I never saw any redness around his eyes at the office or when we had events on Mr. Prescott’s property. When did he ever give himself time to grieve?
I might’ve been born in Ohio, but I was raised primarily in the south, so when I got tired or really pissed off, the accent sometimes came filtering out. Considering the day I’ve had and the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on, it was not surprising to hear me say, “Sugar, you’re going to have to give me some kind of heads-up here. Your emotions are keeping my head moving back and forth more than watching a tennis match in person. One minute you’re caring for me and helping me out, and the next you’re pushing me away. To top it off, now you’re hurting, and I’m wondering if there’s something I can do or if it would be better to call Derrick and ask him to take me over to Mr. Prescott’s place instead.” Trying to give him some reassurance, I kept my hand on his back, but he continued to weep.
After about five minutes, I gave up and walked to the bedroom to retrieve the cell phone Derrick had given me before returning next to Jackson at the bar. Derrick told me it couldn’t be traced, and that he programmed in the numbers for all the security personnel, the Prescott family, the Bradfords, the Lombardis, and even Jackson. I hit call for Derrick’s number, since he’d stated he would be taking the first shift.
“Hey. Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if I could stay at Mr. Prescott’s place instead, and if you could…” Before I knew what happened, the phone was out of my hand and Jax was talking into it.
“Forget what she’d asked, Derrick. She’ll be staying here with me.” He paused for a moment. I couldn’t hear wh
at was being said on the other side of the conversation. “No, I’m fine, just working through some issues. We’re both walking on some egg shells here that we need to sort through. Thanks, man. Night.”
He ended the call and handed it back to me. “You’re not going anywhere. I want you here.” His voice was flat and matter of fact, not leaving any room for argument.
I guess it didn’t help that I was in an argumentative mood. I stood next to the bar and placed my hands on my hips to let him know I meant business. If I had the ability, I think daggers would’ve flown from my eyes. “Do you care to get off your damn high horse and finally tell me what the hell’s going on? And why do you keep saying Gabi’s death is your fault?”
He gave me a look that would’ve normally silenced me, but I was riled up. I raised my finger shaking it in his face. “Don’t give me that look. You know damn well that she had an undetected medical condition. There’s nothing you, a doctor, or anyone could’ve done to prevent what happened. And yes, I agree Fate is a bitch, and I’m ready to kick the bitch’s ass.”
Feeling the anger well up inside of me, I paced back and forth a few steps. This is the first time I’ve yelled at anyone in years. That little prick Conner who stole Marissa’s ideas and her internship was the last one on the receiving end of my rage. Before that, I’d never yelled at anyone except my brother when he picked on me too much. God, I missed him.
I threw my hands up in the air. “See what you’ve got me doing? I’m cursing up a fucking storm. I can’t do this, especially not around your daughter with impressionable young ears.”
I continued pacing. “I can’t stay here if this is how we’re going to treat each other. Either you’re honest with me and we get this out in the open now, or I’m leaving.”
I turned to head back the other direction and ran smack into his hard chest – the one still without a shirt on. Why did he have to look so damn sexy when I was mad at him?
“You’re right. I need for this to come out. Kent and Carol have been working on me for over a year to get this out into the open. They know something’s wrong, they just don’t know what.”
I was dumbfounded and wondered what could be so bad that he’d hide information. “Okay, shoot. I’m all ears.”
“We’d had a huge fight the night Gabi died. She was already working half-days and on partial bed rest since her blood pressure was up, and she was starting to have headaches. Little did I, or the doctor, know those headaches could have been pre-cursors to her aneurysm. You hadn’t been fully trained in our department yet, so I was bringing work home to try and keep us all afloat for when she went into labor. No one knew this, but if her blood pressure stayed up, they were going to admit her to the hospital and try to bring it back down using medication. If that didn’t work, they were going to use medication to speed up the development of Nicola’s lungs and deliver her early by c-section.”
I could feel my eyes widen. Had anyone ever heard this side of things before? “It’s okay, go on.”
He took a deep breath in, “Dane had called her upset and needing to talk, something about finding his girlfriend cheating on him with his best friend. He was upset and needed someone to hear him out. Gabi had been feeling cooped up all day and jumped at the chance to go get a coffee at one of the nearby shops which was mid-point for her and her brother. I’d told her she wasn’t going to go anywhere. I didn’t like the idea of her going out that late at night. She argued that she’d be fine and complained I was just a worrywart. I’d stood in front of the door and blocked her from leaving, which further aggravated her, and I’m sure it didn’t help with her blood pressure.”
Getting agitated, he started pacing back and forth. I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his chest to give it a squeeze. “You told me I’m not alone in what I’m going through, and you’re not alone in this either. Whatever you have to tell me won’t change the way I think about you.”
His hand covered mine and gave it a little squeeze. “Thanks, honey.”
He turned around and continued his story. “I’d offered to drive her but she refused, knowing I had at least two or three hours worth of work ahead of me. I finally listened to her reasoning. She promised to only be a couple of hours, just long enough to hear Dane out. Gabi suspected he was more upset over his best friend cheating than his girlfriend. She’d admitted Dane had eyes for Marissa even back then and had been heading to Tiffany’s house to break up with her, when he walked in on her and his best friend doing it.”
My hands flew to my mouth in shock. “No wonder he was so upset. It’s one thing to want to break up with someone, but to see they’re trying to play both you and your best friend against one another, behind each other’s backs, that’s just low.”
He nodded. “I’d have to agree. I relented and let her drive, but we’d both said some hurtful words to one another.”
His eyes began to water. “I didn’t know I’d never have the chance to tell her how sorry I was over our fight. I never got the chance to say goodbye or tell her how much I loved her. She was already pronounced brain dead by the time I got to the hospital.”
I opened my arms to him, and he came to me, surrounding me with his strength yet leaning on my shoulder to cry. “It’s okay, Jackson. Get it out of your system. Tears are the most natural way to heal the heart and soul. I’m sure Gabi has the same regrets, but I also know she loved you more than life itself. Do you think she’d be happy to see you living like this?”
He pulled back from me for a moment, “What do you mean?”
“I’m not a psychologist, and I don’t claim to know everything there is about human nature, but think about this…If the shoe was on the other foot and Gabi had lost you, would you want her to dwell in misery, trying to hide from life, living only for work and your daughter, and avoiding all human contact? Or would you want her to enjoy the rest of her life?”
He started to pace again. “I hate it when you’re right. Everyone around me keeps telling me I need to move on, that Gabi would want that for me.” He turned to me and threw his hands in the air and yelled. “How am I supposed to do that when I’m the reason she’s dead?”
I stood my ground and argued back. “I still don’t get why you think you killed her. If you’d driven her that night, you would’ve been in the accident too. Granted, you probably would have had only a few bruises and cuts, but the result would’ve been the same for your wife. From what I was told, the car she was driving was built like a tank, while Ethan took the brunt of the crash and nearly died on the way to the hospital.”
He opened his mouth to argue, but I held up my hand. “I’m not finished.”
“Fine.” He crossed his arms and did a harrumph to let me know he wasn’t pleased. Well, I didn’t care. He forced me to listen to his arguments earlier, and now it was time for me to tell my piece.
“Let me ask you this. If she’d stayed home that night and Dane had come here to talk with her, would she still be alive today? Didn’t the doctors state that the aneurysm was on the verge of bursting anyway? Would it have happened prior to Nicola being born or during delivery? Could they have done anything to save her if it had happened while in the operating room? What’s the answer to that?”
“You know what the damn answer is. She would’ve died either way. There was no way around it unless, by some miracle, the doctors had detected the malady early on; otherwise, things would’ve still played out with the same results.” I watched as realization dawned on him, and, knocking a couple of the bar stools over with him, he crashed to the floor.
Derrick rushed in, panic written across his face. “I heard yelling and then a crash. Is everything all right?”
I knelt down on the floor beside Jax and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. Trying to give him some dignity in front of Derrick, I absorbed some of his sobs into my shoulder. I know how this man thing works; you never let anyone see you cry – you never show your weakness.
I tried to shoo Derrick away but was
shocked when he scrunched down on the floor with us and placed a hand on Jackson’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “It’s okay, man. We all miss her and would give anything to have her back. But it’s about damn time you finally realized there was nothing you or anyone else could have done to save her. The fact that you have Nicola is a precious gift.”
Derrick looked up at me and then back at Jax. “I don’t know what Robin told you, so I don’t know if I’m repeating anything, but you’re pissing your life away. You’ve been walking around a mere shell of what you were.”
I watched as Jax looked up at Derrick. “A shell?”
He nodded. “Yeah. You wake up, go through the morning routine, drop Nicola off, head to work, do what you have to there, and then do everything in reverse. Unless your family or the Prescotts push you to get out and join them for anything, you’re content to just stay in this house and piss your life away. Is that what you want for your daughter – to grow up having a depressed dad, never knowing what it’s like to live or have fun, and never seeing what it’s like to love another person? Do you think that’s what Gabi would want for Nicola or for you?”
Jackson stopped sobbing and started laughing. He couldn’t stop as he pushed Derrick making him fall on his ass and causing us all to laugh. I had to ask, “What’s so funny?”
He looked between the two of us. “I thought I’d sunk to the lowest point in my life the night I’d lost Gabi, but tonight I feel I’ve hit rock bottom. I don’t think I can sink any further now. There’s only one direction I can travel and that’s up.
“I’ve heard what everyone’s been telling me. I just didn’t want to believe I’d gotten that predictable, but you’ve both pointed that out to me within a matter of minutes from each other.”
I Need You Forever Page 7