Brad laughed. “Good one, darlin’. Now go show ’em how it’s done in the weight room, okay?” He put the car in park.
“Okay.” She looked at me for a long moment, then skimmed her fingertips over my stubbly jaw. “So that’s how that feels.”
It was hard to get a full breath. “I need to shave.”
She nodded, but the pressure of her fingers pulsed hotter, like she enjoyed my whiskers. “Sorry for my freakout back there,” she whispered.
“No problemo.” My imitation of Brad’s Mexican accent made her smile.
When she lifted her hand, I trapped her wrist. Damn, I wanted to kiss her. But I wasn’t sure if she wanted that, too. And my brain was too addled to go for it.
Aware of my agents in the front seat, I stroked her hand, then let it go. “Hope you don’t have a sad day, Maddie.”
The leather cushions of the greenhouse sofa molded around me like pillows. Though it was ten times more comfortable than Maddie’s, it lacked something: her warmth.
I’d studied for a few hours now, but I doubted much information would stick with me, given my sleepiness. The oppressive silence didn’t help, either. Lucia was at class, and Brad and China were probably catching some shut-eye after our monster workout and trip to the grocery store. The well-stocked basement gym had impressed me, and I had to admit I was glad Lucia had such a safe, lavish home at Highbanks.
“Studying hard, I see.”
Lucia’s voice started me awake. I watched her plop down next to me, cradling a plate of salad, and groaned as I wiggled up to sitting. My watch indicated an hour had gone by. An inelegant yawn stretched my mouth.
“Up all night having sex with Maddie?”
My eyes flew open as I watched her shovel a bite into her mouth. “Funny, Lucy.”
She laughed. “Tranquilo. I know you just slept on her sofa.” Her smile vanished. “Allison told me Jaylon showed up?”
I sighed. Privacy was a thing of the past, evidently. I moved my laptop to the side so I could stretch my back. “He’s some piece of work.”
“Yeah.” She chewed, and my stomach growled. “Can’t believe he’d get with Nina. I thought he was cooler than that.”
“He said Nina threw herself at him.”
Lucia huffed. “That I can believe. Nina’s got issues. Dane thinks she was invalidated as a child. Still his choice to reciprocate, though.”
I shook my head. “Dane psychoanalyzes everyone. Is it possible Nina doesn’t have some childhood trauma? Maybe she’s just a bitch.”
Lucia cackled, covering her mouth. After a few chews, she said, “I like your analysis better.”
She chomped on her salad for a few minutes more as I opened my browser. “Oh!” She sat up. “How rude of me—Mamá would not be proud. Can I get you some lunch?”
“Sure. I’m starving after that workout.”
I closed my laptop and followed her into the expansive kitchen. She glanced at me as she retrieved some salad fixings from the fridge. “You worked out with China?”
“Sí. I’m getting closer to her bench press.”
Lucia giggled. “She lifts way more than me, too. Nobody beats her in the weight room except for Brad.”
I watched Lucia slice cucumbers and filled two glasses with ice water. “How about Dane?”
“Right. His max is higher than hers—I forgot.” Then she snickered, like she was remembering something.
I loved seeing my sister so happy. Was Dane responsible for that? “What’s funny?”
“Not sure I should tell you this.” She scooped cucumber onto a pile of romaine lettuce. “What the hell? Dane told me that one time China physically restrained him. I’m sure he was exaggerating, but he said she almost snapped his arm off.”
“That’s not good for the machismo. He probably deserved it, though.”
She shrugged. “Probably. Want some tuna? Hard-boiled egg? Cheese?” When I nodded, she added all three. “Was Maddie upset when Jaylon showed up?”
I frowned, remembering the feel of her shoulder muscles contracting beneath my hand. “Of course.”
“Poor Maddie. Why doesn’t he leave her alone?”
I had the same question. “Apparently he needed to convince her he didn’t start up with Nina till after the breakup.”
“Whatever.” She eyed our salads. “I should probably add some carbs to this. How ’bout a banana?”
“Is that what your dietitian would tell you to eat?”
She groaned. “No. She’d tell me to get some bread, maybe a bagel.”
“Sounds great.” I opened a bag of bagels on the counter and headed to the toaster.
After she poured on dressing, she asked, “So did Maddie believe him?”
You fucked my teammate. The memory of her fury tightened my body like a coil. I buttered the hot sesame bagels. “Not sure. But she stood up for herself.”
“Excelente. Let’s eat in the TV room.”
I picked up both loaded plates as she took the water glasses, and we headed back to the sofa. After we munched for a while, Lucia looked at me. “So then did Jaylon leave?”
“Finally. But when he promised to return, I couldn’t leave her alone. We worked on her lab report for a while.”
Lucia stared at me. Does she suspect my attraction? I put my fork down. “What?”
“Thank you, Alex. Thanks for being there for Maddie. She’s been acting weird lately, but last night she seemed more like herself. I think you helped.”
I let out a breath. That was all I wanted—to make things better for Maddie. The click of the DVR drew my attention to the TV. “Someone’s recording a show at one in the afternoon?”
She looked at her salad, and I leaned in, intrigued by her blush. “Lucy? What’s the show?”
Giggles spilled forth. “Dane’s gonna kill me!”
“It’s Dane’s show? What is it? Dime.” She kept laughing so I scooped up the remote. “Tell me, or I’m turning on the TV.”
She grabbed the remote. “Okay, okay.” She sighed. “It’s Days of Our Lives.”
“A telenovela?”
“It’s actually good.”
“Don’t tell me you watch that garbage too.” When she hid her face, I laughed. “What has Dane done to my smart sister?”
“Hey, he’s smart.” She tossed her hair over one shoulder. “He has a four point oh GPA.”
No wonder he was so good at arguing politics.
“But I must confess, we’re hooked on Days. Mom said she used to watch it, too.”
I shook my head. What respectable first lady would watch a soap opera? I finished my salad and started in on the bagel. “Mom’s been on my case to go to confession.”
“Mine too.” She rolled her eyes.
I thought about Maddie’s full, soft lips. “Do you go? I mean, have you found a church here?”
Lucia nodded. “My AIA group meets at the Newman Center on campus—”
“You’re part of Athletes in Action?”
“Yeah, I forgot you did that at TCU. It’s great, isn’t it? Anyway, Allison took me to confession there, and the priest was pretty cool. Father Jacob.”
“Hmm.” I hadn’t really found a church I liked in Baltimore, though I hadn’t spent much time looking. School and the election had stolen most of my weekends. But Mom was right—I did need to confess my sins.
Lucia had thanked me for helping Maddie, but she didn’t know my true feelings. If Lucia knew how much I craved seeing what was beneath Maddie’s hoodie and yoga pants, she wouldn’t be so grateful.
“Thanks for lunch,” I said. “Delicioso.” When she nodded, I added, “Do you cook for Dane?”
She shrugged. “Sometimes. But tonight he’s cooking for me, for Valentine’s Day.”
“Oh.” I’d thought they’d go out, but maybe they didn’t like the public scrutiny any more than I did. “I’ll make myself scarce, then.” I opened my laptop and resumed studying. From the corner of my eye, I watched her type on her phone for a f
ew minutes.
“Alex?” Her big, brown eyes blinked at me. “Dane wants to invite you to dinner, too.”
I stared at her, waiting for the punch line. When none came, I frowned. “That’s sweet of you, but I don’t want to be the third wheel.”
“You won’t be. We’re inviting Maddie, too. Valentine’s Day is probably really tough for her, so we want to distract her.”
I’d see Maddie again? “Okay, then. Sounds good.”
Chapter Eleven
“WELCOME, MADISON.” Dr. Valentine’s eyes gleamed as she smiled at me. “I’m glad I had an opening today. I’d like to review a few things with you before we get started.”
I braced myself against her sofa cushions. Why had I agreed to be shrinkified? Maybe fatigue had lowered my defenses. Or maybe it was Alejandro’s gentle nudge last night about pursuing counseling. Lucia and Dane had said good things about the sport psychologist, but Braxton would tell me not to trust anyone trying to get inside my head.
“I’ll just highlight some info on this consent you signed.” She held up the document. “What we discuss in here is private and won’t go beyond this office unless you give me written permission to speak to others. There are some rare exceptions…”
My gaze wandered around her office as she continued. Translucent white flowers shot up from a deep-green houseplant tucked in the corner, reminding me of the same plant in Nana’s house. Nana had said the Gerber daisy was quite resilient—even she couldn’t kill it. I, on the other hand, was not feeling so resilient.
“Is there anyone you want me to talk to?” Dr. Valentine asked.
“Um…”
“You said Tina referred you. Is it okay if I let her know you met with me?”
“Yes.” Hopefully that would get her off my back. I signed the release form.
“Would you like me to speak to any of your coaches?”
My headshake was immediate. I’d mustered the courage to stop by Coach Holter’s office this morning after macrobiology class, and the memory of that encounter caused squeezing in my lungs. Though he’d allowed me to return to practice, starting later this afternoon, I’d never seen him so disappointed in me. My eyes burned.
Dr. Valentine smiled gently. “When I saw a therapist, I cried the whole time.”
I’d been here less than two minutes, and I was already sniveling.
“Crying’s really normal in here. I have tissues on either end of the sofa for that reason.”
Her assurance eased the tight ball in my chest, and I leaned to my left to pluck a few from the box.
She typed on a small laptop. “What brings you in today, Madison?”
I sniffed as I wiped tears off my cheeks. “My friends call me Maddie.”
“Gotcha. Have you been crying more than normal?”
“Definitely.” I sighed. “Tina says I need to get my smile back.”
“I see.” She typed some more. “You’ve been feeling down and blue?”
I nodded.
“When did the crying and blue mood start?”
My hand skimmed my cheeks as I considered her question. My skin was smooth, in contrast to the roughness of Alex’s stubbles. His square jaw had felt so solid beneath my touch this morning. Not much felt solid these days. “About a month ago, I guess.”
“Around the start of spring semester, then. What was going on in your life at that time?”
I glanced at the bookshelf and noticed a framed photo of an obese cat. The gray beast glared at me, and I wondered what color the Ramirez cat was. “It’s rather cliché, I’m afraid.” I turned back to her. “My boyfriend broke up with me.”
“Oh, dear.” She typed away. “So, on a scale of one to Adele, how bad was this breakup?”
I laughed as I sank back into the sofa.
“I can see why Tina wants you to get your smile back. It’s beautiful.”
I felt myself blush. Dad always said the same thing. “I guess the breakup was pretty damn close to Adele.”
“‘Rolling in the Deep’ or ‘Turning Tables’?”
I shrugged. “I’m more partial to Rihanna’s ‘Take a Bow.’”
“Oh.” She nodded. “So the bastard cheated on you?”
I nodded, impressed in spite of myself. “He claims he didn’t get with her till we were done.”
“But you don’t believe him?”
I exhaled. “I don’t know. It’s…messy. The other woman’s my teammate.”
“No shit. That’s horrible.” She shook her head. After a beat, she asked, “Is your ex a student-athlete as well?”
“Only the most successful wrestler in school history.”
“Yikes.” She sighed. “You must hear about him all the time. Painful reminders of your relationship.”
“You have no idea. He keeps showing up, too.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Is he stalking you?”
“No!” My back straightened. “I…I don’t think so. I just don’t get it. He’s the one who broke up with me, yet he won’t let sleeping dogs lie.”
She observed me for a few moments. “How long were you dating?”
“Three years.”
“Wow. Must be tough for both of you to move on after sharing so much together. Did he say why he broke up?”
I looked down. “He said…” My throat constricted, making my voice tremble. “He said I didn’t let him in. He told me I didn’t love him.”
“That sounds quite painful to hear.”
I nodded.
She leaned forward. “Did you love him?”
“Of course! We were perfect together. I did everything for him.” A sob pulsed up my throat, pressing for release. “But I wasn’t good enough. I screwed it up somehow—I made him leave.” A tear leaked out.
Dr. Valentine opened a file cabinet to extract a piece of paper. I accepted the handout and read the heading: Irrational Beliefs After Breakups. I looked up at her. “You think my beliefs are irrational?”
“Read them and see. People who hold these beliefs suffer more after breakups, and it sounds like you’ve been suffering a lot.”
I glanced at the paper. “Number one: The breakup is all my fault.” Whoops. I’d just said that. “But how is that belief irrational? It’s certainly not Jaylon’s fault. He told me he left because I was closed off to him.”
“I’m not saying the breakup is entirely his fault, either,” she said. “But you both had a part in this. Relationships take two. You probably made some mistakes, and he made some mistakes.”
“Like hooking up with that skank, Nina,” I grumbled. I covered my mouth with my hand. “Sorry for using her name.”
She seemed unfazed. “Like I said, our discussion in here is private. Keep reading.”
I looked back down at the page. “Number two: I’m not good enough.” The words stabbed my heart. That wasn’t irrational thinking. That was fact. Jaylon had discarded me because I wasn’t good enough, and Alejandro would soon discover that truth as well. To my horror, shameful tears spilled down my cheeks. The paper shook in my hand, and I reached for more tissues to hide the tremor. She must think I’m a nutcase.
Dr. Valentine gave me a moment, and I wondered if I’d deplete her entire supply of tissues.
“Do you believe that, Maddie? That you’re not good enough?” she asked.
I stilled. Could I admit that to her? I barely knew her. But when I detected warmth in her eyes, I nodded.
“That’s odd coming from one of the most successful student-athletes at Highbanks. Won’t you be up for the conference medal of honor this spring?”
I shrugged as I sniffed. Awards like that didn’t matter if I couldn’t even hold on to the people I loved.
“Where does the inadequacy come from, do you think?”
My head lowered. “I’m not sure. It’s just what I’ve always felt.”
“Perhaps we can explore that some more. I believe you’re good enough.” She waited until I met her eyes. “You. Are. Enough. And we’ll work together
to get you to believe that, too. Now.” She pointed at the paper. “Keep reading.”
I took a shaky breath. “Number three: I’ll never find someone else. Well, damn, I’ve had that thought, too.” But I hadn’t felt quite as hopeless since meeting Alejandro. Could he be my someone else?
“How could you challenge that belief when it comes up?” She gazed at me.
“Uh.” My heart thumped. “I definitely will find someone else?”
She dipped her head to one side. “Well, there’s no evidence for that either.” She chuckled when I scowled. “No guarantees in life, my friend. But to believe you’ll never find romance is wrong. You still have a chance of finding love even after one hundred men break up with you.”
I gasped. “That would be awful!”
“You could handle it, though; especially if you don’t accept these irrational beliefs as truth. They’re just thoughts.”
I closed my eyes as I let out a breath. This conversation exhausted me.
“How have you been sleeping, Maddie?”
My eyes opened. “It’s been rough.”
“Trouble falling asleep? Trouble staying asleep?”
“Yes and yes.” Last night I’d been thinking about Alejandro sleeping on my couch, his spicy scent invading my little apartment. The video of him grabbing my hand as we hustled to the SUV outside the restaurant had played in my mind, bringing a smile to my face, but every time I’d almost drifted off, the image changed. He would let go of my hand, his dark eyes clouding with disgust. Then he’d walk away from me.
My chest hurt thinking about it now. “My mind won’t shut off.”
“How frustrating. At the end of our session, I’ll share a technique to help you sleep. I’m guessing your energy been low?” I nodded. “Concentration too?”
“Studying’s near impossible these days.” My cheeks flamed. “My grades are horrible.”
“You have a stellar GPA as a biochemistry major, according to your paperwork. So by ‘horrible,’ I’m guessing you mean Bs?”
She seemed to know me well already. “Low Bs. Maybe even a C in p-chem.”
“That must be upsetting, especially with med school applications looming.”
Aced (Blocked Book 2) Page 12