by Dan Gutman
“Yeah,” said Neil the nude kid, “it’s the only way to get Mr. Sunny to notice you.”
“And this is the perfect time,” Ryan added. “He just finished his sand castle. He’s got nothing to do until the judge shows up.”
“But what if pretending to drown doesn’t work?” Andrea asked, dabbing her eye with a tissue.
“There’s only one way to find out,” said Michael.
Andrea thought it over. Then she stood up.
“Okay,” she said, handing me her book, “I’ll do it!”
Andrea went running out into the ocean.
“Don’t forget to yell ‘help’ and ‘glub, glub,’” I hollered at her.
“This is gonna be cool,” said Ryan.
We all watched as Andrea dived into a wave and swam out into the deep water. That’s when the strangest thing in the history of the world happened.
“Shark!” somebody suddenly screamed. “There’s a shark out there!”
We all squinted to see. Sure enough, there was a fin moving back and forth. It was on the other side of the beach from where Andrea was swimming.
“It’s probably that crazy guy Mr. Granite,” Michael said. “He must be swimming back to Australia.”
But it wasn’t that crazy guy Mr. Granite. And it wasn’t a kid. And it wasn’t a lifeguard. And it wasn’t my mom or dad or sister. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years who it was.
I’m not gonna tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter, so nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
11
Glub, Glub
“It’s a real, live SHARK!” somebody yelled.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeek!” screamed somebody else.
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.
Everybody was yelling and screaming and freaking out. Mr. Sunny blew his whistle and ran down the beach toward the water.
“Leave this to me,” he said. “I know how to handle sharks. I’ll lure it away from the beach.”
“But Mr. Sunny!” I yelled to him. “Andrea—”
“No time for that now!” Mr. Sunny said, and he dived into the water and started swimming toward the shark.
“Help!” yelled Andrea. “I’m drowning!”
“Mr. Sunny can’t hear you!” I hollered to Andrea. “He’s chasing a shark!”
“Glub, glub,” said Andrea.
“Hey, she’s pretty good,” said Ryan. “She’s even doing the ‘glub, glub’ part.”
“Well, she takes acting lessons after school,” I told the guys.
“A.J.,” said Michael, “I think Andrea might be in trouble.”
“Nah, it’s all a big act,” I told him. “Andrea’s a great swimmer. She’s been taking swimming lessons since she was three.”
Andrea takes lessons in everything. If they gave lessons on how to clean your ears, she would take them so she could get better at it.
“Help!” Andrea yelled. “I have a cramp! Glub, glub.”
Then her head went under the water. That’s when I realized something.
Andrea wasn’t pretending to drown! SHE WAS REALLY DROWNING! And she went swimming right after eating pizza! The shark might smell the pizza in her stomach and attack her!
Mr. Sunny couldn’t hear Andrea’s cries for help. He was too busy chasing the shark.
I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Neil. Neil looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at me.
“You should jump in and save her, A.J.,” said Ryan.
“Why me?” I asked. “You save her.”
“You’re the one who’s in love with her,” Ryan pointed out. “You should save her.”
“I am NOT in love with her,” I insisted.
“You are too!”
“Am not!”
We went back and forth like that for a while.
“Help!” yelled Andrea.
“There’s no time to argue about it!” Neil said. “She’s drowning! Are you gonna save her or not?”
“A.J.,” Michael said, “if you don’t save Andrea, we’re gonna tell everybody you’re in love with her.”
WHAT???!!!
So if I saved Andrea, everybody would think I love her. And if I didn’t save Andrea, the guys would tell everybody I love her. No matter what I did, everybody would think I love Andrea.
“Glub, glub,” Andrea said. Then she disappeared under the water.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I had to think fast. I was thinking so hard that my brain hurt.
This was the hardest decision of my life.
12
A.J. to the Rescue
I ran toward the ocean and jumped into the waves. I swam as fast as I could. Finally, I found Andrea under the water. She was heavy! I picked her up and dragged her back to the beach. She was lying on the sand with her eyes closed.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Andrea wasn’t waking up.
“She can’t breathe!” yelled Ryan. “She needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!”
“Call Mr. Sunny!” I yelled.
“He’s still out there chasing the shark,” Michael said.
“You’re gonna have to do it, A.J.,” said Neil the nude kid.
“Why me?” I asked. “You do it!”
“No, you. “
We went back and forth like that for a while. Andrea was just lying there. Somebody was going to have to do it. So I knelt down next to Andrea and tilted her head back, just like Mr. Sunny showed us. Then I pinched her nostrils shut. Then I leaned over and put my mouth over hers and blew air into it.
Ugh, disgusting! I thought I was gonna die!
“Glub, glub,” Andrea said. Then she spit out some water and opened her eyes.
“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea were kissing. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
“Arlo!” Andrea said. “You saved my life! I love you!”
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
“I thought you were in love with Mr. Sunny,” I said, backing away from her as fast as I could.
“That creep?” Andrea said as she got up. “He’s way too old. You’re the only man for me, Arlo. ‘O, beauty, till now I never knew thee’!”
Andrea was talking that Shakespeare talk and putting her arms all over me.
“Hey, knock it off,” I told her.
“O Arlo, Arlo! Wherefore art thou Arlo?”
“Will you leave me alone?” I said, pushing her away. “And quit talking that Shakespeare talk.”
“‘Good night, sweet prince,’” Andrea said. “‘Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.’”
Andrea grabbed me again and leaned over until her mouth was almost touching mine.
She puckered up her lips.
Ewww, disgusting! Andrea was about to kiss me again!
I didn’t know what to say! I didn’t know what to do! I had to think fast!
“SHARK!” I yelled.
Everybody looked out at the water. In all the excitement over Andrea drowning, we had forgotten about Mr. Sunny!
“Help!” Mr. Sunny yelled. “Help!”
“Did Mr. Sunny take acting lessons?” asked Michael.
“He’s drowning, you fobbing, toad-spotted, maggot pie!” said Andrea.
“Oh, snap!” Ryan said. “She called you a fobbing, toad-spotted, maggot pie.”
“Help! Help!” called Mr. Sunny as his head dipped below the water. “Glub, glub.”
“Mr. Sunny’s a lifeguard,” said Neil the nude kid. “How can he be drowning?”
“Maybe he’s not a real lifeguard,” I said. “Did you ever think of that? Maybe he’s a fake lifeguard. Maybe he kidnapped our real lifeguard and is holding him in an underground jail cell on a secret island. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”
But this was not a good time to discuss whether Mr. Sunny was a real lifeguard or not. I ran to the water,
jumped in, and swam out to Mr. Sunny. He was even heavier than Andrea! Somehow I managed to drag him to the beach.
“He’s not breathing!” Michael said.
“Give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, Arlo!” said Ryan.
“Why do I always have to be the one to do it?” I asked.
“He could die, Arlo!” Andrea shouted.
So I knelt down next to Mr. Sunny, tilted his head back, and pinched his nostrils shut. Then I leaned over and put my mouth over his and blew air into it.
Ugh, disgusting! I thought I was gonna die.
“Glub, glub,” Mr. Sunny said. Then he spit out some water and opened his eyes. “Thanks, dude! You saved my life.”
“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Mr. Sunny were kissing. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
“Boys are dumbheads,” said Andrea.
13
And the Winner Is…
“Hey, look!” somebody shouted. “The judge for the sand castle contest is coming!”
A guy wearing a tuxedo and one of those tall Abraham Lincoln hats was looking at somebody’s sand castle down the beach. He was taking pictures of it and writing on a clipboard. We all ran over to Mr. Sunny.
“This is awesome,” I told Mr. Sunny. “You’re sure to win the contest, dude.”
“I’m glad I put up this fence so nobody could damage my sanderpiece,” Mr. Sunny said.
At that moment, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
“Look, up in the sky!” Andrea shouted.
“It’s a bird!” Michael shouted.
“It’s a plane!” Neil shouted.
“No, it’s somebody parasailing!” I shouted.
“It’s…Mr. Granite!” Ryan shouted.
Sure enough, that crazy, Australian, long-distance swimming, sand monster zombie guy was flying through the air with a parachute on his back. A boat in the water pulled him.
“He’s flying pretty low,” Andrea said. “I hope he doesn’t get hurt.”
Mr. Granite flew right over our heads.
“Help! Help!” he shouted. “I can’t control this thing!”
Mr. Granite was swooping back and forth, up and down. It looked like he might slam into the beach.
“Watch out!” somebody yelled.
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.
Suddenly, Mr. Granite started dive-bombing toward the ground.
He was right over our heads!
We dived to get out of the way.
“Oh no!” yelled Mr. Sunny. “He’s going to hit—”
Mr. Sunny never got the chance to finish his sentence. Because at that moment Mr. Granite landed right on top of Mr. Sunny’s sand castle!
BAM! Mr. Granite crushed it! I mean, it was totally flattened! Mr. Sunny’s amazing sand castle looked like a big pile of sand again…with a pair of feet sticking out of the top.
“WOW!” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down.
It was a real Kodak moment. And we got to see it live and in person.
“My sanderpiece is ruined!” Mr. Sunny screamed. “Now I can’t go to France to study sand sculpture! My life is over!”
Mr. Sunny went running down the beach, shouting a bunch of French words that I didn’t understand. He seemed pretty upset.
I couldn’t blame him. I’d be upset too if a shark chased me around and I almost drowned and some nutty parasailor crushed my totally awesome sand castle.
But then, stuff like that happens all the time, you know.
We were standing in front of Mr. Sunny’s pile of sand when the judge with the tall Abraham Lincoln hat came over.
“Excuse me,” he said, “I heard there is a really amazing sand castle around here. But I don’t see it. Can you tell me where it is?”
14
The Big Surprise Ending That Will Completely Shock You, Unless You Already Guessed It
The judge left, and we all helped Mr. Granite crawl out from the pile of sand. He brushed off his pants.
“Are you okay?” we all asked.
“Yes, I believe I am okay,” Mr. Granite said. “I certainly am lucky this sand castle was here to cushion my fall.”
“Maybe you better go back to Australia,” I told him. “Mr. Sunny is really mad. He might try to beat you up.”
“I cannot leave,” Mr. Granite said. “I need to stay here for at least a year.”
“Why?” Ryan asked.
“I got a job in America, mate,” he replied.
“What do you do?” asked Andrea.
“I’m a teacher,” Mr. Granite said.
“Oh, really?” asked Andrea. “What grade?”
“I teach third grade,” Mr. Granite said.
“Hey, we’re going into third grade in September!” Michael said.
“What school will you be teaching at?” asked Neil.
“It has an odd name,” Mr. Granite told us. “It’s called Ella Mentry School.”
WHAT??????!!!!!!!
“That’s our school!” I said. “You’re going to be our teacher?”
“OH NO!” we all shouted.
Maybe Mr. Granite will be better at teaching than he is at parasailing. Maybe he’ll stop popping up in weird places for no reason. Maybe Mr. Sunny will stop talking to sand and learn how to swim. Maybe he’ll build a new sand castle. Maybe Andrea will stop talking that Shakespeare talk. Maybe she’ll fall in love with some other lifeguard and stop annoying me. Maybe that shark will come back to try and eat Andrea’s pizza in her stomach. Maybe people will stop drowning so I won’t have to give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation anymore. Maybe the guys will stop teasing me about being in love with Andrea. Maybe I’ll make it through the rest of the summer without any other weird things happening.
But it won’t be easy!*
About the Authors
Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Credits
Cover art © 2008 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRD SCHOOL DAZE #2: MR. SUNNY IS FUNNY!. Illustrations Copyright © 2008 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub © Edition JULY 2008 ISBN: 9780061973512
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* Aren’t calculators cool?
* Enjoying the story so far? Good. So what are you reading this for? The story’s up there, dumbhead!
* Made you look down!
* That’s French for “My violin is finished.”
* It is a known fact that if you stand up on a chair, put your fingers in your ears, and announce “I love turnips,” people will think you’re weird.