by Blue Kincaid
“Because I was broken.”
She nodded. “I liked the idea of really helping someone who needed me. Not just wanted a temporary submissive to play with.”
Harry was silent for a moment, looking as if he was working out how to say what he had to say. Finally he made a slight face. “I don’t like that people think of you that way. Something to play with. I definitely don’t like that you think of yourself that way.”
“I know. You’re very sweet. But don’t you think of me that way to a certain extent?”
Harry eyes heated. “I do. But that’s not all you are to me. It’s different. I think you know it is. Even when you are my plaything, you are so much more. You are my December, you are a person I enjoy spending time with whatever we’re doing. You are the woman I love, whether you like it or not.”
Her heart skipped a couple beats and she looked down, toe of her boot scuffing into the cold packed dirt. “Maybe I like it too much. Maybe that’s part of the problem.”
“Why? If you know I’m not like him, why is love such a problem?” His voice was softer. A gentle man seeking to understand her. So few even tried.
She didn’t know if she wanted to talk about this kind of thing. But on the other hand, she’d brought him here to show him the real her – sort of hoping he’d realize they had no real future. She took a deep breath. “I wasn’t…always as discriminating about not mixing business and sex. You know how I said the scenes are business and the sex is recreational?”
She wasn’t looking at him, but she could half-sense/half-see the nod out of the corner of her eye. “Yes, I remember.” He was silent for a minute, then she heard the inhale of breath as he figured it out. “It wasn’t always that way, you mean?”
Defensiveness immediately rose up, as it always did. “I was careful. I was nineteen, I was out on my own for the first time…I had too much pride to ask for help and – ” She stared at the snowy ground as if it held all the answers. “It happened. I was stupid as hell and while I’m not ashamed, really, and it was only a couple times, I’m not exactly proud, either.” She sighed and met his eyes finally. “Where do you think Trent got the idea? He figured I’d done it before, why not again?”
So now he knew. That she’d told him at all did, in a way, prove his point that they had something different. She’d only ever told a few people – Sheridan, Trent and now Harry. But whether they were special or different or whatever didn’t matter in the end. What mattered was she’d fixed Harry so he could find his perfect woman – not because that woman was her. It wasn’t her. And yet, looking at him now, December knew he didn’t think that. He still didn’t, even knowing what she’d done. Tears flooded her eyes.
Harry lifted his brows, expression full of challenge. “Is that supposed to change how I feel about you, December? Because you made some difficult decisions when you were very young? Because it doesn’t, you know. It doesn’t change anything. Sorry. You were young and obviously learned you didn’t need to do that and became the amazing woman you are now. I’m glad you were safe. Do I wish you hadn’t felt like that was your only choice? Yes. But I’m not going to judge you for it, if that’s what you’re expecting.”
Honestly, she wasn’t really surprised. Any other man she’d be expecting to have accusations hurled at her, then them running off to get tested or something, as if she were a filthy streetwalker riddled with disease. Or, like Trent, assume that because she’d done it once that she’d just go right back to doing it and never blink an eye. Not Harry, though.
“I didn’t really think you would. I just…you say you want to be with me, but how does that even work, Harry? I have a life. I don’t see how that can continue if I’m also your…what, your girlfriend?”
“For a start, yeah.” Harry smiled, then shook his head. “I don’t know either, December. Who does? Who has all the answers and knows how things will turn out when they get into a relationship with someone? Did you know Trent was going to turn out to be a wannabe pimp and break your heart? Did I know Katie was going to cheat on me and die on her way to be with the man she really loved? No. Nobody knows. It works if we want it to work. I want it to work, so damn much.”
He really needed to stop making sense. And being so kind and understanding. She’d just dropped a bomb that, for most men, would be a death knell to anything they felt for her. Not Harry. He just wanted to be with her, full stop.
“And what about my job, Harry? What about when I have to fly out of town at the drop of a hat to take a job, like the one I took with you? Then what? How can I be who I’m supposed to be for them when I already belong to you? I can’t belong to you, Harry, because I can’t belong to anyone, don’t you understand?”
This was the last conversation Harry wanted to be having. He was trying to convince her they could have a future, not give her ammunition against it. But what could he say to that? ‘Oh, okay sure, go out there and submit to total strangers, let them spank you and flog you and take you to clubs as if you were theirs, as if they’d won you.’
But he couldn’t. And neither could he say not to, because four weeks ago wasn’t he a stranger who had only bought her company, not earned it?
“Why do you only look at the reasons why it can’t work instead of giving some consideration to why it could?” he tossed back at her.
She knew immediately he was diverting and pressed her lips together. “You’re ignoring the point.”
“No, I think you are. Do you love me, December?”
Harry could hardly breathe now that the question was out. What if she said no? What if she said yes? He didn’t know which was more likely, honestly. She didn’t say anything, her expression stunned. Clearly, she hadn’t expected he’d ask outright, either. As the seconds ticked by, his worry grew and grew. It was going to be a no.
“I don’t know. I didn’t think so when Sheridan said I did, but…”
“She said you loved me?” Harry decided then and there that he owed the mouthy amazon a kiss.
“She says a lot of things. She likes to think she knows me better than I know myself.”
“Does she?”
December was silent for a moment. Then shrugged. “Maybe.”
His heart raced. “I want you with me, December. Always. I want to love you and be with you and share my life with you. I don’t care what came before me. I truly don’t. It brought you to where we are right now – together.”
Her brows lifted. “I can hear the ‘but’ in there.”
“I can’t…” He released her hand and raked his gloved fingers through his hair. “What happened with Raphe was a very unique scenario. I trusted him, trusted him with you. I don’t know how long I spent not knowing Katie was leaving me to be with another man. I don’t think knowing it was happening would have made it any easier to deal with. I don’t want to make you stop living your life, December, but I can’t tell you that I would be okay with you leaving me to be with anyone else.”
She was shaking a little, staring up at him. “Then what do you want, Harry?”
“I want you to choose me. Choose to belong to me. Choose to let me love you – and let yourself love me. That’s all I want.”
She took a small step back and Harry’s heart broke a little. “And that means I have to give up my whole life. My job, my home, everything I’ve spent the last seven years building. That’s what you’re saying, right? It’s you or my job?”
It hurt more than he’d thought he could bear. “That’s too much to ask, isn’t it?” He swallowed hard. “Okay. I guess that’s my answer.”
Her brows snapped together in a quick frown. “So that’s all there is? I don’t drop everything and give you what you want and that’s it?”
“What am I supposed to say here, December? I have a little pride left, despite my history. Begging is one step too far, even for me.” Especially when he felt as if his heart was shredding. “I don’t want to decide for you, I don’t want to ever make you feel like you don’t have choices. And
if you change your mind, god knows I hope you come find me because it’s not ever going to be too late.”
Her face dropped, eyes immediately filling with unshed tears. “Come find you? Are you… You’re leaving?”
He frowned. “Isn’t that what you want?” She’d been trying to get him to turn around ever since they’d set foot in Kentucky. Before they’d even left DC, to be honest.
December bit her lower lip. “Yes. But…no. I don’t know, Harry!”
It was the first time Harry thought he’d seen December truly vulnerable. Truly unsure. She was one of the strongest women he’d ever met. Even when submitting, she was so strong. Solid. Never wavering. Now, though…she seemed lost. And every instinct in him responded to that, reaching for her before he could stop himself and drawing her into his arms.
She burrowed there, hands clutching his jacket, face in the small gap where his jacket wasn’t fully zipped up, so he could feel the warm pant of her agitated breath on his skin. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
He smiled a little at her muffled, sulky tone. “Well, sometimes shit happens, sweetheart.”
She exhaled softly, turning her head to press her cheek against his chest. “I think I do.”
He didn’t have to ask what she meant. She did love him. “I know.”
“How? I’m terrible at it.”
If she had any idea how every little thing she did made him love her more…like that little whine. Terrible at it? To him it seemed as though she was designed solely for him to love. “Well, only because you keep insisting it’s got nowhere to go. Other than that, I think you’re pretty good at it.” It was sort of a miracle he could tease at all right then. When his entire future happiness dangled in the balance.
It worked, though. She laughed and let out a soft little sigh that wasn’t as tense as before. Like she remembered how to breathe. “I wish it did have somewhere to go. Harry, I really do.” He started to respond and she lifted her head, shaking it as she looked up at him. “Don’t. Don’t go and don’t talk about it. Can’t we just…be for a little while more? We’re almost out of time anyway, can we not rush it along by discussing things that have no answers?”
He didn’t agree there weren’t any answers, but yes, he wanted to stay. Maybe if he did he could convince her somehow. Make himself indispensable to her in the next week and a half. God, he was such a fool, more so now than when he’d turned a blind, ignorant eye to all of the signs that’d been there with Katie.
“On one condition. Promise me you’ll leave the door open a little. Stop shutting me down and stop telling me I don’t feel what I feel.”
Her face fell. “I’m sorry. I just…”
Harry shook his head. “Don’t. I’ll stay. Can we go somewhere private, though? That hotel room you got me?” He didn’t miss the irony of that. He’d bought her a hotel room when she’d come to DC as a sort of safe haven for her…now she’d bought him one and he hoped it’d be a safe haven for them. How the tides had turned from just one short month ago.
December hesitated, looking up at him for a long moment, then her expression registered relief – something she’d seen in his eyes calmed her. “I told myself when I asked you to come walk with me that maybe I could give you a chance. So… Yeah. Let’s bring Jaxon back.”
Chapter Sixteen
They were quiet, not speaking as they brought the fat little dog back to the house. Harley agreed to let December drive his truck – a great concession, Harry suspected. He made a quick trip upstairs to grab his bags and then twenty minutes later he swiped the flimsy keycard for a second floor hotel room at the local Best Western. It could have been a Motel 6 for all he cared. What mattered was being alone with December and reminding her how perfect they were together in every way.
He took her hand as the door fell shut behind them, drawing her slowly closer. Still neither spoke. They didn’t have to. They both wanted the same thing – a reprieve and a time out from thinking about the future. Harry would give up the future for this moment right here, with her soft and pliant in his arms. Giving. Loving. His.
“Harry? Why did you bring your suitcase?” December looked up at him worriedly. “Are you still going to leave?”
He shook his head, hand cupping the side of her face. “No. I brought some things from home.” His lips curved. “From the playroom.”
Relief eased her worried frown. She leaned closer against him. “Like what?”
He gestured to the duffle he’d set on the floor. “Take a look. They’re all for you.”
December bit her lip and sank to her knees. She moved so gracefully, he wondered if she even realized it or if it was natural. He suspected the latter. She shrugged out of her jacket, tossing aside her scarf and gloves before she unzipped the bag and peeked in, then glanced up at him with wide eyes. “How did you plan to use this stuff at my parents’ house?”
“I didn’t plan to be staying with your parents,” he reminded her. “As for the things I chose…I want you to pick three items. That will be your punishment. Then I want you to choose two more as your reward.”
Her breath quickened, a slow flush staining her pale skin. He knew for a fact the blush of arousal travelled down her neck and across her breasts. He wished she were naked so he could watch it do so now. “What am I being punished for?”
“Well, you never did get reprimanded for disobeying me at the club the other night.”
Her teeth caught her lower lip again. “And the reward?”
His fingertips brushed her soft cheek, thumb stretching to stroke her full lips. “For being honest with me earlier.”
“Which part?” she asked, breathless as her tongue slid out to touch his thumb.
“The part where you said you love me.”
“I never said that.”
He crouched down and cupped her face, brushing a kiss across her mouth. “Yes, you did.” Maybe not in so many words, but as close as she was able at that moment, and it meant a lot to him.
Her eyes closed and she leaned into his touch, sighing softly. “I did.”
He kissed her closed lids, then stood. “Which are you going to choose?”
December looked back down at the open bag, head tilting thoughtfully. Then she looked up at him with an impish smile. “I wonder what TSA thought about this when it went through x-ray.”
“Probably ridiculously jealous because I was with you and they knew who those toys were for.”
December lifted her brows with another laugh, pulling out a thick vibrating dildo. “You don’t know that. Maybe they thought this was for you.”
There she went again, making him love her a little bit more. He bent and gave her ass a swat through her jeans. “Brat. Pick.”
She did, glancing back down at the bag and rummaging for a minute. The vibrator she’d pulled out first was one choice, followed by a pair of leather cuffs. She smiled sweetly up at him. “For the reward.”
Harry’s cock stirred inside his jeans. He took the items and went to put them on the nightstand. When he came back to where he’d left her by the hotel room door, she held up a pair of nipple clamps, a heavy-duty flogger and then a door hook.
“What’s the hook do?” she asked. “I don’t know if I want it or not.”
He couldn’t blame her, it looked rather nasty, a solid, heavy strap with a metal hook at one end and a small, heavy barbell dangling from the other. It looked like it could be used in some rather painful, filthy ways. “It hooks over a door to create a stable spot for bondage when away from the playroom. The dumbbell looking part goes on one side of the door over the top, so when you close it and attach someone – like you – to the hook, they can’t pull the strap free. It catches on the other side of the closed door.” He nodded to the bathroom door. “Like that door.”
Her eyes lit up. “Ohhh. Yes, please.”
Harry chuckled. “You’re not supposed to like punishments.”
December tried to look very solemn, which was pretty adorable, act
ually. “Sorry, Sir. I definitely won’t like it at all…” She very obviously crossed her fingers as she tucked her hands behind her back.
He was reminded suddenly of her first night at his house, how she’d teased him about liking bratty subs. And oh, he did. He bent and caught her wrist, brows lifting at the crossed fingers. “Look at you, naughty girl. Are you lying to me?”
She shook her head sharply, though her dark eyes sparkled mischievously. “I would never.”
“Mmhmm. Come with me.” He took the hook and flogger from her, leaving her to carry the clamps as she scrambled to her feet and hurried after him across the room. He pointed to the bed. “Sit down.”
She obeyed, watching curiously as Harry quickly installed the hook over the bathroom door, shutting it and testing to make sure it was securely in place and the door wouldn’t give. Just to be safe, he grabbed the wedge-shaped doorstop by the front door and shoved it firmly under the front of the bathroom door.
Then he turned to her and oh, her eyes widened. Playful and bratty she might be, but she also knew he wasn’t going to hold back. He grinned wickedly at her. “One more thing…” Then went over to the bag and pulled out a pretty pink ball gag. He twirled it idly around his finger as he came back to stand in front of her. “No sound-proofing here, so we have to make sure you don’t get us kicked out with all your hollering.”
Her chin tilted up proudly. “I don’t holler when I’m flogged.”
He bent and kissed her cheek, then whispered in her ear, “Who said it will be the flogging that is going to make you?”
A shudder whipped through her as Harry straightened and brought the gag up. She parted her lips, eyes locked on his face as he settled it into place, reaching around to fasten the strap and gently untangled a bit of her hair from the buckle.
He pressed a kiss to the corner of her gagged mouth, then reached for the shackles. “First, no more clothes. Take them all off, everything.”