by Lilian Darcy
‘I should…you know, I have things to do at home, ’n’ stuff,’ she said.
She sounded, and felt, about fourteen years old. First date. Family members asleep upstairs. Terrified about how far he’d want to go if she let him kiss her. At fourteen, you let him kiss you even if you weren’t sure. At thirty-four, Maggie was quite sure, and didn’t intend to risk anything half as dangerous as a kiss. Not yet. Maybe next week, when she’d got used to his effect on her again, and when she’d built up her courage. She knew just how vulnerable she was to his touch.
It was a pity that Will didn’t give her a choice. She expected him to stop, safe and polite, at the far side of the coffee-table, but he didn’t. Instead, he pulled her to her feet with one smooth movement, muttered, ‘Not letting you go home yet,’ and hauled her close before her startled lungs began to breathe again.
She forgot that she wasn’t going to kiss him tonight. His mouth was already there, touching and tasting. It was soft, slow, tender and cajoling, and she turned her face up to meet it and respond. She closed her eyes against the flood of melting sweetness that filled her. A kiss couldn’t hurt, after all…
It could.
From the very beginning, it could, and when it became more than a kiss, it could hurt more. His palms nudged the sensitive undersides of her breasts then brushed her tightly furled nipples through the fabric of her soft red sweater. He cupped her briefly, then moved on, his fingers tickling her neck, his hands touching her shoulders in a gesture of possession and authority that reminded her of the arrogant confidence he’d shown in his twenties.
You’re here in my arms because you want to be, said his hands. This is good, and we both know it.
And, heaven help me, I respond to it, Maggie realised. I like it.
The arrogance and the certainty were like shields around her, or power currents inside her. They seemed to diminish the significance of her own doubts, as if she was borrowing some of his confidence for herself. They washed over her, sweeping her away, taking the ground from under her feet. It was frightening and exhilarating at the same time.
She opened her eyes and found that his were closed as he kissed her, giving him an odd combination of assuredness and vulnerability—imperious body, naked face—that touched her deeply. Will must have known the sensations that he was stirring up inside her, but he wasn’t doing it from a distance. He was as caught up in this as she was. He didn’t have a clue that she was watching him.
Trying to put the brakes on just a little, wanting some time to talk to each other first, she began to break her kisses into moments. Kiss. Let go. Touch. Pull away. Linger. Release.
He thought she was teasing. With his eyes still closed, his mouth flickered into a smile, and then a laugh that was half a kiss as well. Lacing his fingers into her hair, he pulled back and looked at her at last.
‘Are you doing this on purpose?’ His voice was low and liquid with desire.
‘Yes, I—I’m trying to stop it.’
That got his full attention.
‘Strange way of doing it, Maggs.’ He touched her cheek, and made tangled patterns of sensation against her ear with his fingertips.
‘Yes, I—I know,’ she managed.
‘But if that’s what you want…’ He moved so that his arms held her loosely.
‘It isn’t what I want.’ She laughed. ‘I’m not making much sense, am I?’
‘Not much.’
‘I’m just wondering if we need to slow down, or—or—’
‘Bit late for that. It’s not possible to go back, is it?’ He slid his hands down her back until he reached the creases at the tops of her thighs. ‘If you’re telling me you wish it hadn’t happened, that’s different.’
‘I don’t wish it hadn’t happened.’ She felt her body melting against him.
‘Neither do I. If you want the truth, I’ve been thinking about it ever since. You were electric, Maggie.’ He brushed a kiss across her mouth. ‘I want to feel that again.’
She couldn’t argue any more, especially when she didn’t know what she was arguing about. Her response to his touch gave him victory in the debate before it even started. Her sigh trembled with need, and her words were more like a kiss than speech. ‘I want to feel it again, too. Please, take me upstairs…’
‘Yes. Oh, yes,’ he whispered.
‘Daddy…Daddy…’
With a flurry of tossed covers, Will was out of bed. He pulled on a pair of black stretch cotton pyjama pants and slipped out of the darkened bedroom before Maggie could even take in the meaning of that insistent little word.
‘Daddy…’
She lay there, groggy and confused, listening to the deep, soothing murmur of Will’s voice in the next room as he coaxed his son back to sleep. She couldn’t make out the words. The red digits of the clock-radio beside Will’s bed read 10.45. It wasn’t late. They’d made love—Maggie’s stomach flipped as she thought about the way they’d pleasured each other so boldly—and then they must have fallen asleep in each other’s arms.
Only about fifteen minutes ago. She shouldn’t feel so jarred by the awakening.
She sat up, hugging her arms around her knees, not sure what to do. Go into Daniel’s room and ask if she could help? Get him a glass of water or something? But she knew enough about night waking in children to realise that a near-stranger in his room might only upset the little boy. She stayed where she was.
Will appeared a minute later, just as she’d decided to lie down and try to get back to sleep.
‘Sorry about that,’ he said. His bare chest was broad and smooth above the black pyjama pants, and lightly covered with hair.
‘It’s fine.’ For no good reason, she suddenly felt self-conscious about her nakedness, and pulled the quilt up to cover her still-tingling breasts.
Will reached for a plain white T-shirt, and Maggie couldn’t help watching the way his shoulders moved as he pulled it over his head. ‘Would you like coffee or something?’ he asked.
‘No, it’s OK. I might grab a glass of water in a minute.’
Will seemed to hesitate, and then said finally, ‘I don’t know how to ask this, Maggie, but…were you planning to go home?’
‘Yes, I was!’ she teased. ‘At about nine o’clock! You were the one who stopped me!’
Not the right reaction, apparently. He frowned. ‘We haven’t talked about this…’
‘You want me to go don’t you?’ she realised aloud, and saw the relief in his face.
‘If you don’t mind,’ he said. ‘It might be confusing for Daniel, if you were still—’
‘Yes, I can see that,’ Maggie agreed quickly.
And it was true. She could see exactly why Will didn’t want his little boy waking up to find a strange woman in Daddy’s bed. She hid her disappointment, and a sense of hurt and loneliness that frightened her.
Deal with it, Maggie, she coached herself. He’s right. Daniel’s reaction is important. He’s a crucial part of Will’s life, and if this affair of ours is going to continue for any length of time, his needs have to be my concern as well.
Aloud, she said, ‘That’s fine. And if you’d like me to take Daniel for a few hours so you can get more done tomorrow…’
‘We’ll be fine, thanks.’
‘Or if you’d like me to help some more…’
‘You’ve done enough, Maggie. I’m not planning to do a lot more unpacking tomorrow. Daniel and I will just hang out. His new nanny is coming round for a couple of hours, and I want to make sure he’s getting on well with her before he starts his mornings at child-care on Monday. That’s enough new stuff for one weekend.’
‘Yes, I suppose it is.’
‘Daddy…’ came the little voice once more.
Will clicked his tongue and muttered, ‘He heard us talking.’
He disappeared again, and Maggie got dressed alone.
‘Is there a problem, Will?’ Maggie asked her new partner two days later, on Monday morning.
S
he watched the way he was standing in the middle of Mark’s office, dressed in dark grey pants and a paler chunky sweater which emphasised the strength of his shoulders. He looked as if there was something important he wanted to say. She could see it in the shape of his mouth and the direction of his dark gaze.
She felt self-conscious, too, and would have preferred to let the subject go, whatever it was. She’d felt restless and emotional yesterday. Had thought about Will too much, reliving the magic of lying in his arms, wondering if he was happy about how Daniel and the new nanny were getting along together. Working with Will now threatened to confront her with a whole new set of problems.
They couldn’t work a successful medical practice by avoiding them, however, so she said it at once, before she lost her courage. ‘Please, talk about it.’
‘Yeah…’ he answered her finally, then amended, ‘No, it’s not a problem, but there is something I need to ask.’
He hesitated again, and her heart dropped dramatically as she wondered inwardly, Maybe this isn’t professional. Maybe it’s about the other night.
‘You haven’t had anyone in here since Mark’s death,’ Will said. ‘And I wondered…How do you want me to handle it?’
His direct regard took in the changes she’d made to the room since his visit six weeks ago. She had taken away the photo of herself, the art prints, the mounted large-mouthed bass and the more esoteric of Mark’s books. There was a stack of his more conventional medical texts sitting on the desk, and she’d already told Will to take and use any he wanted. She’d removed the ones she wanted for herself.
Despite the fact that none of the things left in the room were overtly personal, however, the space still reflected Mark’s personality. It was contained in the colours and furnishings he’d chosen, and in the way the desk was oriented squarely in the room. Maybe it even smelled like him. He’d smoked a very occasional pipe, and when Maggie took a deliberate breath, she was sure that the odour of it, rich and woody, still lingered.
Will was right to bring the subject up, and she appreciated his directness. She tried to be equally direct in reply. It was one of the few things she felt sure of in their relationship at the moment. Directness between them worked. Hiding her feelings didn’t, and yet there was so much that she didn’t dare to let him see. The contradiction worried her, when she thought about it.
‘If you mean, would I mind if you repaint, or change the furnishings, of course not,’ she said briskly. ‘It’s your office now. It’s important that you should feel at home. I’ve put away those of his things which meant something to me. Let me know if you want a new desk and chair, and I’ll take these. In the meantime, make use of them for as long as you want.’
‘Thanks,’ he answered. ‘I wasn’t sure.’
‘No, thank you. Thanks for bringing it up.’ They smiled at each other uncertainly, then Maggie added, ‘How did Daniel settle in this morning, by the way?’
She had her hand on the wood and leather back of Mark’s desk chair, and caressed it nervously, until she noticed that Will was watching her fingers.
‘He seemed fine,’ he said.
‘You were planning to stay at the child-care centre,’ she pushed, unsatisfied with his brief answer.
‘Yes, I stayed for an hour, and told him I’d be back at lunchtime. There was enough in the routine that was similar to his child-care centre in Arizona. It’s not as if I’ve been his sole carer.’
‘No, of course not.’
Again, his answer didn’t contain the detail she’d been hoping for. Didn’t Will think she was interested? She wanted to ask about Alison as well. Did Daniel miss her? Would there be visits? But something told her very firmly not to go in that direction. Not today. Not yet.
Only a little over six weeks ago, she’d had no idea that any of this would become so important to her. Just six weeks, and so much had changed.
Laura Bailey had that same interval of time on her mind when she came in for her post-partum mother-and-baby check-up later that morning.
‘Six weeks! Would you believe he’s already starting to smile?’ she said, gazing down at her sleeping baby with soft eyes. ‘It seems like the time has flown!’
‘How is he doing for you, Laura?’ Maggie asked as she lifted the warm little bundle from his car-carrier. ‘He looks so precious in his little blue suit!’
She hated having to wake the baby, but needed to weigh him, listen to his chest, check several developmental signs and assess his hips, his testicles and his heart.
‘Oh, great! He’s just great!’ Laura said. She smiled at her little boy, who had opened his eyes and was yawning but not crying. ‘He has a fussy spell in the evenings, but then he sleeps for around eight hours once he’s settled. Maybe it won’t last. Tyler and Lily both started night waking again when they hit a growth spurt at three months. But for now I’m not complaining!’
Maggie had no complaints either. He was a beautiful, healthy little boy, and showed a good weight gain. ‘I’ll see him again in a few weeks for his two-month immunisations, OK, Laura?’
‘I’ll make an appointment today, so I don’t forget.’
Maggie put him back in his carrier, where he sat placidly, sucking on one of his little pink knuckles, which he’d found purely by chance and seemed to like very much. She turned her attention to Laura, who had gone through into the adjacent examining room and was lying on the table beneath a disposable paper sheet.
‘No problems?’ Maggie asked.
‘Everything seems fine,’ Laura said.
‘And you’ve healed very well,’ Maggie observed as she made her examination. ‘You had a tiny tear that I didn’t stitch, but that shouldn’t give you any trouble by the looks of it now. You’ve got no more discharge and your uterus is good and small and firm, and right where it should be. No breast tenderness, or anything like that?’
She inserted a warmed speculum and prepared to take a sample from the cervix for a routine post-partum pap screening.
‘My nipples were sore at first,’ Laura said. She pressed her hand to her stomach in an attempt to relax her muscles. No woman ever named the speculum as her favourite medical instrument, and many found that talking was a useful distraction. ‘But much better than they were with the others. I had a better idea of the correct positioning on the breast this time around.’
‘A lot of women don’t realise how important that is,’ Maggie agreed, putting the sample onto the slide. ‘Almost done here…’
‘And neither do some babies!’
‘I did a course in that area a while ago, which was great. For a long time, most doctors didn’t know what to tell women who were having trouble. And not everyone has access to a lactation consultant or breastfeeding counsellor.’
‘Well, between a whole lot of us, we seem to have got it right this time. The big kids are great, and they adore him.’
He was starting to fuss a little now, next door in Maggie’s office. He must have lost his tasty fingers.
‘And how’s Curtis?’
Laura grimaced at this. ‘Exacerbation phase,’ she said. ‘Not so good. But he doesn’t want to think about changes to our lives yet. And I’m worried about Tyler, too.’
She sat up and Maggie left her alone to dress. Maggie smiled and cooed at the baby, and he settled again at once, distracted by the attention. He was gorgeous! She and Mark had talked about children. Would it be right to try for a baby when he was already in his fifties? But then his illness had made the decision for them. A baby hadn’t been possible.
It wasn’t something she let herself dwell on very often, and she hadn’t talked about it to anyone either. From things that people had said—Mark’s friends, and her own—she knew they assumed she and Mark hadn’t planned on any children. It was easier to let them think that than to admit to how much her childlessness hurt her sometimes.
But she wanted Will to know, she realised. So that he understood how much she would really enjoy having Daniel in her life. How on ear
th did she find a way to tell him something like that?
‘A new baby can be tough, even when things are going well,’ she said aloud in reply to Laura’s comment about Tyler. Her voice wasn’t quite steady.
‘No, it’s not that.’ Laura frowned. ‘He just doesn’t seem quite well.’
‘Nothing specific?’
‘He’s been coughing a lot. Active when he wants to be, so that I think he’s faking the listlessness to get out of school and chores or something, but then a couple of evenings these past few days he’s had a fever.’
‘He’s had several chest infections over the past few years, hasn’t he?’ Maggie recalled. ‘And he’s thin for his height.’
‘Yes, he’s not a huge eater.’
‘I think you should definitely have one of us take a closer look at him, Laura.’
‘Well, yes.’ Laura nodded. ‘I asked Marilyn if she could squeeze him into this appointment, but she said she couldn’t, you were flat out, so he’s booked in with Dr Braggett instead, right after this. I’m glad the new partnership idea is working out for you.’
Maggie smiled and said lightly, ‘Don’t speak too soon! It’s our first day!’
Laura left the office with baby Joel, and Maggie took the next patient file from the pile on the front desk immediately. Looking into the waiting room as she called out Mrs Atkinson’s name, she saw that Tyler wasn’t there.
‘He’s just gone in,’ Marilyn confirmed to Laura, who nodded and went along the corridor, still carrying her baby in his little car-carrier. Marilyn added to Maggie, ‘Dr Lawless, Mrs Atkinson needed the bathroom. I’ll send her in as soon as she’s ready.’
‘Thanks.’
While she waited for the elderly woman in her office, Maggie had time to be conscious of the difference it made to have another doctor here again. The atmosphere had already changed. Their rhythm was brisker. Marilyn was busier, juggling two sets of files and an appointment line that seemed to be ringing hot this morning.
They already had capable Janet in her little office at the end of the corridor to handle patient billing and insurance forms, but maybe they’d need a third person on the ancillary staff now. Will would want to work up to a good-sized patient load pretty soon, whereas Mark had slowed down his pace considerably even before his illness had been diagnosed. He’d planned an early retirement, and lots of fishing.