by Lilian Darcy
‘Your basket is almost empty,’ Will said as he came up the steps. His aura swamped her at once. His head was bare, and his nose and ears a little pink from the cold. He seemed to relish the feeling. ‘You must have had numerous visitations from witches.’
‘Only one witch, and she wasn’t asking for candy,’ Maggie answered, thinking of Alison. She knew she would have to tell Will about it, or at least ask him some questions. Difficult questions.
Doling some extra candy rations into the orange plastic pumpkin basket because this was Daniel and he was special, she asked Will, ‘Did you eat before you set out?’
‘We tried to, but we were way too excited,’ he answered gravely. ‘A handful of kids had already come by our place, and as soon as Daniel got the hang of the wear-costume-get-candy thing, there was no stopping him. I’ve unleashed a monster. I should have just let it go at “No, you don’t have to put on the kangaroo suit if you don’t want to” and spared his blood-sugar levels for another year. Unfortunately, I can’t threaten him with visions of rotting teeth the way other parents do.’
He grinned crookedly, and Maggie was appalled to find her eyes filling with tears. He was so totally at ease in his relationship with his son that he could make a joke about Daniel’s condition, while Alison was wringing her hands and wailing ‘if only’. She was blind to what precious gifts she could have had, in both her son and her ex-husband, and her attitude had taught Will to shut out anyone who might let Daniel down in a similar way.
‘Stay and eat,’ Maggie blurted. ‘I’ve got frozen pizzas. Daniel, you like pizza, don’t you, honey?’
She touched the soft, transparent down of fine white hair that peeked out in front of the hood of the kangaroo suit. She wanted to hug him, but Will had been scathing about the value of her hugs, and her right to give them.
‘Pizza! Yay!’ Daniel jumped a scant half-inch off the porch, weighed down by his tail.
‘Um, shall we?’ Will wondered aloud, and Maggie could almost see the familiar protective cloak he started to gather round himself and his son.
‘It’ll only take twenty minutes, Will. Keep me company.’ Her voice shook a little.
He stilled and looked at her. ‘Is this a hard night for you? I’ve been thinking about what you said in the boat.’
‘Yes…No, not really. Just today. I just have something I want to talk to you about, that’s all. You have time, don’t you?’
He glanced at his son, who was wearing chocolate lipstick an inch wide. ‘He’ll run on candy power for at least another hour. You’re right…’ He sounded reluctant. ‘I don’t need to get him home. Maybe I can tuck him up on your couch if this is going to take a while…?’
If this was going to end in bed, he meant. At the moment, she didn’t know. She was starting to suspect that she might need to put an end to their flaming sessions of love-making. Like Will, she might seek the dubious protection of distance.
‘A while?’ she echoed at a gabble. ‘I don’t know. It’s about Alison. Please, come in, and I’ll get the pizza going.’
She seized his hand—it felt cold and large and dry in her curled fingers—and pulled him up the last step and across the wooden porch. Neither of them said anything important for a good five minutes. It was all about pizza, and if Daniel could have a video, and how much candy was too much for one small two-year-old in one night. That didn’t stop Maggie from being aware of every inch of Will’s skin at every moment, every glint of feeling in his eyes, every nuance of his voice.
Then, when the pizza was in the oven and she’d opened a beer for Will and a can of lemon soda for herself, he suddenly asked, ‘What about her?’ Maggie knew he meant Alison, and while she was still framing her reply, he added, ‘She called, didn’t she? You’ve talked to her. I can tell.’
It was impossible to be anything but honest. ‘She came. She’s here, at the Craigiemoor, till tomorrow morning, when she heads back to her conference in New York. She wanted to see me so we could talk. Will, I knew your divorce wasn’t as friendly as she’d suggested in her cards, but you didn’t tell me that—’
‘What did she tell you?’ he cut in. He began to pace the kitchen where they stood, as if the room was too small to contain him. Maggie longed to touch him, but she knew it wouldn’t help. Not now. ‘Her side,’ Will said. ‘Her version. And you believed her! Of course! Don’t you think that old loyalties can sometimes get carried too far?’
‘Hey, wait. Wait!’ Maggie exclaimed. ‘I didn’t invite you in to attack you, Will.’
‘No?’ His dark eyes glittered.
‘I know you haven’t wanted to talk about it. I’ve admired you for that. You’ve tied yourself in knots trying not to bad-mouth Daniel’s mother. You’ve protected him so well, in so many ways.’
‘Too well, you think.’
‘I’m wondering that, yes,’ she admitted. ‘Alison was so…so strange today, though. It’s not about loyalty. And I realised it never was. If you’re in the right—and I think you must be—then tell me about it. She wanted me to spy on you and report back to her. I told her I wouldn’t. Now you need to tell me why that was the right decision.’
He did. It took two hours, because he wouldn’t discuss it, even in cryptic terms, in front of his little son. ‘Sets a dangerous precedent,’ he growled. ‘Eventually, before you realise it, they start to understand.’
But after a large serving of pizza, a thorough face-wash and some bedtime rituals, Daniel’s ‘candy power’ finally ran out and he fell asleep in a nest of cushions on Maggie’s couch. The glow of a fire in the nearby grate flickered on his soft little face.
Will picked up where he’d left off earlier when Daniel’s video had ended, while he and Maggie cleared up the kitchen together.
‘Eventually,’ he said, ‘I gave up and played it her way. But it was her way, not mine. And that’s provable, Maggie, if you’re in any doubt. The court records show that she initiated every escalation in hostility and every attempt to shut me out of his life. Ironic, when from the beginning she’s the one who hasn’t been able to handle him.’
‘Motherhood was the first thing she’d ever struck that she wasn’t good at,’ Maggie suggested, and watched his slow nod of agreement.
‘She didn’t know how to take that at first,’ he said.
‘I think she’s accepted it now.’
‘She can rationalise it. Sometimes. Contacting you today and trying to get you on her side wasn’t about acceptance, it was another attempt to control what can’t be controlled. When Daniel’s problem was diagnosed and our marriage began to break down, I realised you don’t actually know a person until you’ve seen how they square up to adversity.’
He was frowning, staring at some projection from his mind’s eye, hovering in the middle distance.
‘Coffee?’ Maggie offered. ‘Decaf, if you like.’
She didn’t want him to leave yet, even though she didn’t want to ask him to stay.
‘That would be nice.’ He glanced at her quickly, his dark eyes narrowed, as if seeking a double meaning to her words. She was standing by the sink, wiping it clean, and was able to pretend she hadn’t seen his searching look. He apparently decided to take her offer at face value, because he added neutrally after a moment, ‘Coffee would be great.’
Because of Daniel asleep on the couch, they sat at the kitchen table to drink it. Somehow, the subject of dealing with adversity led to Will asking Maggie about her childhood, and she found herself unloading a whole lot of stuff about her parents and their bad marriage that she’d never told him before. How aware she had been of the problems between her parents as she’d grown older. How she’d tried to protect Nancy, who was nearly ten years her junior, by encouraging her to take up dance and gymnastics.
‘I was ferrying her to three or four classes a week, as soon as I got my licence at age sixteen, just to get her out of the house. When I left for college, it felt like I was abandoning her, but there was no choice. My parents wouldn’t hav
e stood for me staying at home. They were ambitious for me.’
‘And they were right to be,’ he cut in quietly. ‘You deserve your professional success.’
‘We were living in a very small town at that stage, and there just wasn’t a good enough college nearby to prepare me for medical school. UCLA was the only option that made sense. We’ve talked about it since, Nancy and I. She did feel abandoned, but she understands now. We both escaped, and Mom, too, eventually. Dad’s still going on his merry, destructive way. We hardly ever see each other.’
‘Will I get to meet your mother?’
‘Quite soon. She’s planning to come for Thanksgiving.’
‘Did she and Mark get on?’
‘Yes, very well.’ Maggie paused for a moment, then laughed. ‘Mom approved of our marriage, which some people didn’t, given the age difference. She always said we “had compatible needs”. It took me a long time to work out what she meant. She was talking about sex, but she couldn’t say the word.’
There was a silence. Maggie watched Will’s hands on the kitchen table. He was clicking his thumbnails together. He had beautiful hands, tanned and lean, joined to strong male wrists. He finally asked, ‘And was she right?’
Another beat of silence. ‘Yes. Then. I didn’t realise how much I wanted—’ She stopped. Didn’t want to say anything that would focus his attention on their love-making. She’d been frightened about surrendering to the passionate side of her nature at first, but she’d consciously gathered her courage and taken the step. It seemed ironic that this was the least of her problems now.
‘Sleep with me tonight,’ he said.
She shook her head. ‘No. Not tonight, Will. You’ve asked for time, and understanding, and concessions. Now I’m asking for the same. I need to think about whether I can go on with this. At the moment, I don’t think I can.’
Watching him, she saw the way his face drained of animation. Without it, he looked tired and too serious. It would have been so easy to tell him she’d changed her mind, just for the pleasure of seeing the heat and life come back into his eyes, but she held the words inside her.
‘All right, Maggie,’ he said finally. ‘I hardly have the right to try to change your mind, do I?’ He pushed his chair back with a harsh scrape, finished his tepid coffee with one last gulp and said, ‘I’d better take Daniel home and get him to bed. He can’t sleep in a kangaroo suit all night.’
‘No, I guess he can’t,’ she agreed lamely, then watched in helpless silence as he scooped his sleeping son up in his arms, wrapped him in his own big coat and carried him to the car he’d parked several houses away.
She went inside and closed the door before he started his engine.
CHAPTER TEN
‘TYLER, I’m going to start you on two different inhalers, OK?’ Maggie told the ten-year-old.
‘OK,’ he agreed cautiously.
Maggie turned to his mother, who was feeding three-month-old baby Joel discreetly beneath her blue blouse. ‘Laura, the orange one is a steroid that will improve his lung capacity and thereby increase his resistance to chest infections and reduce the chance of asthma,’ she explained. ‘Please, remember to use it.’
Jamie Muhler had been in the intensive care unit of Wayans Falls Hospital for three days, and had been lucky to survive. She didn’t want to frighten Laura or Tyler, but all of this was important.
‘He’ll probably only stay on it for a month or two,’ she went on. ‘I’ll listen to his chest when I see him again in four weeks and see how he’s going.’
‘Right…’
‘The blue-grey one is a very common asthma drug that he can use if he feels wheezy, and that will also help keep his chest clear. Those colours are standard, by the way, for the different types of drug, even if the brand name is different. Try it four times a day at first, and see how it goes. Some parents find that it makes their kids a little pumpy and hyped up. I’ve heard others say it can increase moodiness, too, so keep an eye on those things and get some feedback from his teachers at school.’
Laura Bailey had a couple more questions about the inhalers, and also about filling in the form for the Medic-alert bracelet. Maggie helped her with it, then saw that Tyler was looking increasingly glum.
‘Do I have to wear that thing?’ he finally asked.
‘It could save your life,’ his mother said. ‘So, yes, you do.’
‘I don’t want to.’
‘Why, honey?’
He shrugged, inarticulate about his emotions as many boys of his age were. ‘I just don’t want to.’
‘You’ll get used to it,’ Laura said.
‘The kids at school will think it’s jewellery.’
‘Have a look at the catalogue, Tyler,’ Maggie suggested. ‘There are different styles. Maybe one on a stretch wristband that looks a bit like a watch or a sport sweatband.’
‘Mmm.’
He stomped out of the room, but Laura hung back, supposedly to put Joel in his carrier.
‘This isn’t just about the Medic-alert bracelet,’ she said. ‘We’ve put the island up for sale, and we’re all unhappy about it. We’re looking for some land closer to Wayans Falls. We don’t want to go back to the city, or even somewhere like Westchester. But Curtis needs to be closer to good facilities. The island kept him sane while he was coming to terms with his illness. We’ll miss it, and the transition won’t be easy.’
‘No. I know,’ Maggie answered inadequately. There was no earth-shattering platitude she could offer. Sometimes things weren’t easy. Sometimes dealing with problems took time.
She had been telling herself this for two weeks since asking Will to leave her house on Hallowe’en night. They hadn’t slept together since, although it would have been so easy to tell him she’d changed her mind and could she come to his place tonight. It would have felt, in the moment, as if it had solved something, but she knew it wouldn’t have. She needed more, or she had to learn the painful skill of making do with nothing at all.
Will’s presence in the same room with her still seemed to suck the air out of her lungs, start a bonfire in her stomach and turn her legs to the consistency of wilted lettuce. She’d probably have to deal with all of this any minute as Tyler was her last patient of the day, and she and Will often met up in the waiting room. The ten-year-old was wearing his football uniform, having come straight from practice, and it was half-past five. She didn’t have time to linger, as she was due to meet her mother’s evening flight into Albany Airport at seven. At least it was an excuse.
Closing her office door behind her, she was aware, as anticipated, of Will slipping past her, his hip-length padded winter jacket already in place.
‘Going to collect your mother?’ he asked.
‘Yes. If you and Daniel are free on the weekend, would you like to meet her?’ she managed, purely for good form’s sake. ‘You never did while we were at college. Dinner on Saturday? I’ve asked some other friends as well. Very casual.’
‘Sounds good. I’ll bring some wine.’
Now, why did I do that? Maggie wondered as she began the drive down to Albany. She took the winding route that edged the lake as far as the town of Cromer’s Landing, then cut across to the Northway, which was straight and smooth and fast.
Beyond courtesy, beyond providing some social interaction for her mother, it didn’t make much sense to bring together beneath the same roof two of the people who most tied her in knots emotionally.
Tied her in knots? Regarding Will, definitely, but what about Mom?
Yes, I do feel that way, she thought. I love her. I’m so very proud of her for getting the courage to leave Dad. But there are some mixed feelings, too. I feel as if there are better lessons she could have taught me.
With the distance, cross-country, Maggie hadn’t seen her mother in more than six months. Then, during a visit to Oregon over Easter, she had been impressed at her growing confidence and independence. She had a nice apartment in Portland. Having begun as an unskilled
office assistant, she’d trained part time as a paralegal several years previously, and now had a very good position in a local law firm. She had begun to act as if she believed in herself more.
Today, when they greeted each other in the airport terminal with a close embrace, the impression was even more pronounced. Since when had her mother worn cherry-red angora sweaters, with matching lipstick? Since when had she had pierced ears and delicate, dangling silver earrings studded with gems that matched her bright sweater?
Pulling back from their long hug, Maggie teased, ‘Wait a minute! Who’s this lady in red? Where’s my real mother? What have you done with her?’
Dolly Lawless pretended disappointment. ‘Oh, I gave away the beige me. I thought you might like this one better.’
‘Oh, I do! This colour looks great on you, with your silvery hair. You gave up dyeing it?’
‘Shh, no, I didn’t!’ Mum put a finger to her lips and smiled wickedly as they both went towards the baggage carousel. ‘This silver is a little too perfect to be natural, I’m afraid. There’s this lovely product called…I forget. Something-or-other for men. And I thought if Rob could go for the distinguished grey, then so could I.’
‘Hang on! Rob?’
And this was, what? A blush? Impossible!
Impossible, but true. Mom’s cheeks were a pretty pink, and she had a sparkle in her eyes. ‘That slipped out,’ she said. ‘But I wanted to tell you anyway. Don’t start listening for wedding bells or anything but, well, we’re together nearly every night of the week.’
Oh, no…
Seeing Maggie’s too-expressive face, Dolly suddenly looked upset. ‘I’ve shocked you. I’m sorry. I thought—Is love-making outside marriage only OK for your generation?’
There was a touch of spirit in the question.
Maggie hugged her mother again. ‘No! I’m sorry, Mom. I’m just concerned, that’s all. There are men out there—’