Why hadn’t she paid more mind to what Sadie Rose had said about them separating mothers and children? It just hadn’t seemed like something they’d really do. Not to a child as young as Rachel. She wasn’t much more than a baby and she’d already lost two mothers. It wasn’t right to force her to lose another one.
Lacey should have stayed back at the preacher’s house. She and Rachel could have sat there on the kitchen floor in front of the shelves full of Miss Mona’s things that had no place in the Shaker village and waited for the churchwomen to come divvy up what had been left behind. The churchwomen would have took pity on them. More pity than the preacher, who was glaring at Lacey with eyes hard and full of fire, like some Old Testament prophet calling down doom on the Israelites for forgetting the Lord.
Even the Shakers standing around her and Rachel looked on them with kinder eyes than the preacher. Especially Brother Forrest. He and the bearded old man they’d called Elder Homer stood to the side of Preacher Palmer. Then there were the three women in like dresses with wide white collar scarves lapped across the front and tucked under the waistbands of the aprons that still covered their blue and gray skirts, though it was well past supper-cooking time.
After a long moment of strained silence, Brother Forrest came to her rescue once more. He looked at the older woman dressed in gray. The one they had called an eldress.
“Eldress Frieda, the two young sisters have had a long day of work and are surely tired from their journey here. Perhaps it would be well to allow them to sleep at the Trustees’ House tonight and let them begin their new life with us in the morning sun.”
“There’s not the least need in that,” Preacher Palmer said. “They will do as I say.”
Lacey kept her eyes away from his face, not anxious to see the anger that would be there. Anger that surely grew fiercer when the eldress spoke. “This is not a decision for you to make, Brother Elwood. Nay, we will do as Brother Forrest suggests, but there are beds here we can use on this night so as not to bother those at the Trustees’ House with this minor predicament.”
Lacey peeked up at the woman. It was obvious she expected no argument from anyone in the room. Not even the preacher when she turned her steady eyes on him. With the way the color flooded the preacher’s cheeks, Lacey wondered if he might be rethinking his decision to follow the Shaker path. Most of his adult years had been spent telling others what they should do, with the full power of the pulpit behind his orders. Now a woman was telling him that he would have to humble his will and do as she said.
He clamped his mouth together and stayed silent, but Lacey could see the effort it took. She bit the inside of her lip to keep a smile from creeping out on her face. It wasn’t a time for smiling. Because the truth was that even though they had won this night together, come morning the eldress would be just as firm in separating her from Rachel, and there wouldn’t be a single thing she could do about it.
Brother Forrest led the preacher up the stairs to the right. Doors opened and closed. Voices were quiet but firm. Still in the entrance hallway, the Shaker women eyed Lacey. One of the sisters, the one named Drayma, stepped between Lacey and the door.
“I will do as you say,” Lacey said quietly.
“Yea, so you say, my sister.” Eldress Frieda pinned her with stern eyes. “But you have already refused that, have you not?”
“I suppose so.” Lacey looked down. Blessed are the meek, she reminded herself.
“It is best to not suppose, but to know. Only then can we deal with our wrong thinking.”
“Your ways seem strange to me and contrary to what I have always known.”
“Yea, that is true for many who come from the world. You will not be expected to understand everything at once. We will explain it to you, and then you will see that it is a better way. A way written of in the Bible.”
Lacey looked up. “Where?” She and Miss Mona had read clear through the Scriptures more than once, but Lacey couldn’t remember one verse that said a mother shouldn’t take care of her child. In fact, babies seemed to be a major way the Lord blessed folks in the Bible.
“The Christ speaks of it in the gospel of Mark. He promises no man—and our Mother Ann completed the message to make us understand the words mean no woman as well—shall leave house or brethren or sisters or father or mother or wife or children for the way of truth and not be richly rewarded. As those among us have been.” Eldress Frieda’s voice softened. “But it is plain to see that you and the little sister are near exhaustion as Brother Forrest pointed out. Bible truths are better understood by a rested mind. Sister Drayma will find you nightclothes and show you where you can pass the night until the morning bell rings.”
“And then what?” Lacey asked.
“Then if you stay among us you will have to abide by the rules that stand us in good stead here and eliminate the stress that bedevils the lives of those who choose to live in the worldly way.” Her face was stern.
“What if I can’t?”
“‘Can’t’ is not a word that we should dwell upon, my sister. We can do what the Eternal Father wants, if we are willing to turn our will over to him.”
“Blessed are the meek,” Lacey whispered.
“Indeed. You will do well to think on meekness.” The eldress smiled, and she suddenly looked years younger and not so forbidding.
“And if I can’t?” Lacey asked.
“Again you speak that word ‘can’t’ when surely what is more often true is ‘won’t.’ But Sister Lacey, don’t give up before you have even started,” the eldress said. “However, if that does hold to be the truth and you are not able to surrender your will for the union of the community, then we do not keep those unwilling captive. All are free to come and go as they wish. Our village is not a prison.”
“And Rachel?” Lacey asked softly as she rubbed her hand up and down the little girl’s back.
“As I understand it, the child’s mother died some months ago and then you married her father. So you can claim to be her stepmother.”
The woman’s voice wasn’t exactly condemning Lacey, but it did wipe away any hope Lacey had been clinging to that she could get them to see a better way. Lacey’s way. “I’ve been with her since she was a tiny babe in arms.”
Eldress Frieda took a minute to consider Lacey’s remark before she said, “The child’s path will be determined by her father. That is the accepted way of the world and one we recognize here in our village.”
But her father doesn’t love her the way I do. Lacey held back her words. It would change nothing to say them aloud, only bring Rachel sorrow. There was enough of that lying in wait for them along this Shaker path without adding more. So Lacey bent her head and thought on the meekness Beatitude. What in the world could the Lord have meant about the meek inheriting the earth? The meeker she tried to be, the more things were pried out of her hands, until it didn’t seem she had hold of anything but air.
Think on the promises of the Lord. Miss Mona’s words whispered through her head after the Shaker sister called Drayma got Lacey and Rachel bedded down. She’d given them plain, soft nightgowns. Rachel’s swallowed her, but that was because they didn’t have children’s clothes in this house, according to the sister. There was a special children’s house where all the youngsters lived together with some sisters and brothers overseeing their upbringing and welfare. It was on the tip of Lacey’s tongue to ask to be one of those tending sisters, but she knew that wouldn’t be a job they’d let her do. Not unless she was able to swallow the Shaker way, and the more she was hearing about that way, the bigger the wad was getting in her throat until it was nigh on choking her.
She lay there on the narrow bed and rubbed Rachel’s back. They hadn’t started out in the same bed, but as soon as Sister Drayma shut the door behind her, Rachel slipped out of her bed to crawl in beside Lacey. The room was small, barely big enough for the three beds that were little more than cots. No one slept in the third bed.
Rachel had fal
len right to sleep as soon as she cuddled next to Lacey. She trusted Lacey to take care of her. A trust that was going to be broken come morning. As Lacey stared out at the dark air that surrounded her, she tried to think up what she would say to Rachel come morning. What words could ease their parting. What promises could she make and be sure to keep.
Think on the promises of the Lord. The words whispered through Lacey’s mind again. Miss Mona would tell her it wasn’t this earth she had to worry about inheriting. It was the Promised Land she needed to be seeking. That all people needed to be seeking. So maybe that was the earth the Lord was talking about in that meekness verse. But Lacey wasn’t exactly ready to step over to heaven’s shore. Somehow she was going to have to find a way to live in this strange place where what seemed to be the natural way of life was denied. Not that she’d been living in any natural way with the preacher in the weeks since their marriage.
It kept coming around to that. To how she’d aimed to fashion and shape life to suit her will instead of accepting things as they were. She had no idea why she thought she could do that. It had never worked before. She hadn’t wanted her mother to die. She hadn’t wanted her father to marry the Widow Jackson. She hadn’t wanted to watch Junie ride out of her life back to Virginia where it was likely she’d never lay eyes on her again. She hadn’t wanted Miss Mona to move on up to heaven. She had never had the first thought of ever marrying Preacher Palmer. And yet she had. Stood up right beside him and surrendered every hope of knowing love like she imagined it could be. The way she dreamed it should be. And now come morning she was going to have to surrender this last person she loved.
She could make up a hundred stories, whisper a thousand wishes, and cry a million tears, but it wasn’t going to change a thing. Not one earthly thing.
The best she could do was think up words that might make the parting easier for Rachel. She’d have other girls to play with. Other women to mother her to whatever extent the Shakers believed in mothering. She would get to sing and dance in church instead of sitting still as a mouse. She would be safe. And Lacey would never stop loving her. That was a promise she could make with no worry of not being able to keep it.
Lacey kissed the top of the child’s head and then smoothed the hair back from her face. Each moment seemed extra precious as the night slipped past. Too precious to waste in sleep.
Once in the deep of the night, Rachel cried out and grabbed for Lacey as though she’d lost her footing on a cliff. Lacey tightened her arms around her and then to sweeten the child’s dreams began whispering a story into the dark air pressing down on them.
“Once upon a time, there was a little baby in a box and angels watched over her.” A tear slipped out of Lacey’s eye and dribbled down her cheek, but she didn’t quit whispering the story. “Those angels were the fastest flyers, because the Lord knew that baby was going to grow into a little girl who did the most amazing things. Her and her doll, Maddie, and her pet worm, Silas.”
Lacey didn’t know why she’d thought up a pet worm, much less given him a name, but a smile pushed some of the worry out of her heart. Stories had always done that for her. A gift, Miss Mona had said, as long as she stayed clear on which were the made-up parts and which were the real parts and didn’t mix them up. But there in the dark with Rachel’s hair tickling her chin, Lacey couldn’t help wondering which was harder to believe. The made-up story or the one that was truly happening.
16
Rachel didn’t cry the next morning when Sister Janie took her hand before breakfast to take her away to the Children’s House. Lacey had awakened the child at the first hint of daylight to prepare her for what was going to happen.
“It won’t do the first bit of good for us to cry and carry on,” Lacey told her. “All that will do is make our heads hurt and your mama up in heaven ashamed that we’re forgetting to trust in the Lord to take care of us. He will, you know.” She tried to sound extra sure of that. If she kept saying it, maybe she could start believing it the way Miss Mona did. “The good Lord has something in mind for us. Something good.”
“Can’t we just go home, Lacey?” Tears were in Rachel’s voice, but none slipped out of her eyes.
“Not now, sweetheart.” Lacey pushed Rachel’s dark hair back from her face.
“Tomorrow?”
She looked at Lacey with such hopeful eyes that a lump jumped up in Lacey’s throat so big she could barely squeak out an answer. “We can pray about it, but it might be awhile before we can go home.” Lacey tried to smile, but her lips wouldn’t turn up.
Rachel stared at Lacey’s face a long minute before she said, “We don’t have a home anymore, do we?”
Lacey swallowed down the lump in her throat and spoke her next words fiercely. “We may not be able to ever go back to our old house, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a home. We’ll always have a home together if nowhere but in our hearts. You in mine and me in yours.” Lacey took Rachel’s hand and placed it over her heart and then placed her own hand over the child’s heart. She imagined its steady thump under her hand. Life continuing.
“That sounds too hard.” Rachel lay her head over on Lacey’s shoulder.
Lacey stroked the child’s hair and let her rest there for a moment until a bell began tolling in the village. Measured and loud. No doubt a signal for the Shakers to rise. She had no idea how much time they had before the Shaker sisters would come for them. The only thing she knew for sure was that they would come. She took hold of Rachel’s shoulders and pushed her back from her so she could look into the child’s face.
“You can do this, Rachel. You have to do this. We both do.”
“But I don’t think I can keep from crying.” The little girl’s bottom lip trembled.
“You can blink those tears away. It’s not like we won’t see one another. We’re both going to be right here.”
“Will you still tell me stories?” She held up her Maddie doll. “About Maddie?”
“Every chance I get. We’ll get Maddie into so many pickles you’ll think there will be no way she can get out of trouble. But she always finds a way, doesn’t she?” Lacey pushed a smile out on her face.
An answering smile touched Rachel’s lips, but then disappeared as quickly as it came. “I wish we could be like Maddie and think up what we want to happen next.”
Out in the hallway Lacey heard footsteps. She wanted to shut her eyes to block out the daylight pouring in the window and delay the morning, but she couldn’t stop time. They would have to face the day. “All right. Let’s do that. Think up what’s going to happen next.”
“How?” A little frown wrinkled the skin between Rachel’s eyes.
“Think about it. What happens every morning?” Lacey pointed at the window where the first hint of sunlight was creeping into the sky.
“The sun comes up.” Rachel smiled. “Mama said the sun always comes up no matter what else happens.”
“That it does. And then one of the Shaker sisters will come and bring us new dresses.”
“Will mine be blue? I like blue.”
“Could be. Sister Janie’s was blue, wasn’t it? And she was the sister who was going to take care of you.”
“I didn’t like her.” Rachel stuck her bottom lip out a little. “She looked mean.”
“That’s just because you were worried about what was happening. She didn’t look a bit mean to me.”
“She did to me. I want to stay with you.”
“I know you do, but right now that can’t happen.” Lacey remembered the eldress taking her to account for using the word “can’t.” But no other word fit. “But you know I love you. My love wraps all around you and nobody can take it off. Nobody.”
Rachel settled her soft cheek against Lacey’s chest and was quiet for a long moment. Finally she said, “Lacey, can I call you Mama?”
Lacey caught her breath in surprise. While she knew in her heart she was Rachel’s mama, she had never expected to hear Rachel call her that. Sometime
s Lacey wondered about the good Lord’s sense of humor. Here with them about to be parted, he had put in Rachel’s mind to recognize Lacey as her mama. “Why are you asking that now?”
“Because Mama told me that mamas never stopped loving their little girls. No matter what.” Rachel peered up at Lacey with intense blue eyes. “And I want you to have to keep loving me forever, Lacey.” She shook her head a little and changed her last word. “I mean, Mama.”
“You don’t have to worry about me stopping loving you, sweetheart. Ever.” Lacey hugged the child close and kissed her forehead. “It doesn’t matter what you call me. Lacey or Mama. I’ll always love you.”
“More than all the rocks in the creek?” Rachel leaned back to ask.
Lacey smiled and played the “more than” game Miss Mona had taught Rachel. “More than all the pebbles in the river.”
“More than all the stars in the sky?”
“More than the moon and all the stars put together.”
Rachel thought a moment before she said, “More than all the bees in a field full of daisies?”
“More than all the worms wiggling under the ground.”
Rachel giggled at that and ended it the way Miss Mona had taught her to. “Then that’s enough. Not as much as Jesus loves me, but plenty enough.”
Lacey held her a minute before she said, “Don’t ever forget that, Rachel, and somehow, someway, things will work out.”
“Papa will take us home? We can be happy again?”
Lacey didn’t know how to answer that. Home was never going to be the same for them and happiness was something that seemed out of reach. At least for her and Preacher Palmer, but maybe not for Rachel. “You will be happy again,” she promised her. She let a little prayer wing up in her heart that it was a promise the good Lord would honor.
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