It seemed she had purposely misunderstood his question—or perhaps she hadn’t. Perhaps his true question had come from his heart. “None are married among the Shakers,” he said.
“I am not a believing Shaker. I hold to the ways of the world.”
“As do I.”
“Even in the world, it would be wrong for me to feel pleasure in standing here so near you.” She didn’t look away from his face. “To wish to be loved the way you loved your wife who died. It has to be wrong for me to speak such words aloud to you. Or to think them either.”
“Yea, some things are judged wrong both in the world and among the Shakers.” He curled his hands into fists and forced his arms to stay by his side. He wanted to touch her hair, to offer to love her as he had loved Ella. No, not the same love. A different love, but one that would fill his heart just the same. Not to push Ella out, but to open a door to a new room in his heart.
“And wrong in the eyes of God.” She looked sorrowful as she softly added, “What God has joined together let no man put asunder.”
“Do you love him?”
“Love has little to do with the promise I made him. But it was a promise made before God.” She looked away from Isaac up toward the treetops. “A promise not kept. I haven’t been a proper wife. Our marriage is nothing but a sham. A sham that I fear has affected his sanity. It worries me when I see him now.”
“Does he love you?”
“He loved Miss Mona. His first wife. She died last year. Just as your young wife did.” She let her eyes barely touch on his face before she whipped them away to the trees again. “But no, he doesn’t love me. He had other sorts of feelings for me. He told me that being a preacher didn’t stop him from being a man.”
“Guess that takes becoming a Shaker.” Isaac hadn’t thought her cheeks could get any redder, but they did.
“So Brother Forrest told him. That being holy meant putting that kind of thinking clear out of his head. The preacher swallowed the whole bit about marrying being a sin. The whole bit, even though might near every married couple in Ebenezer stood in front of him to hear the binding words spoken.” She looked like she was still trying to puzzle out the strangeness of the preacher’s change of thinking. “And I’m not arguing that me and him marrying wasn’t sinful. That’s the good Lord’s own truth, but to say all marrying is sinful? That can’t be right.”
“So what does he, the preacher, think now?”
She blew out a long breath of air. “I have no way of knowing that. I’ve only seen him across the room at mealtimes and at your meeting. But it looks to me that he hasn’t found any more peace here than we were finding back at the house. At least there he could do what the Lord called him to do. Preach the word. And I could hold Rachel and dig in my own garden and cook on my own stove. Here I feel like one little broom straw stuck in with a whole passel of other broom straws to make a big broom that somebody else is sweeping with.”
“A spoke in a wheel,” Isaac said.
“No.” She frowned. “I’d think each spoke would be necessary to the strength of the wheel while a broom straw could break free of the others and the broom would keep on sweeping just the same. Would probably sweep up that broken broom straw and throw it away. That’s me here. I’m that contrary broom straw that refuses to do what I was grown for.”
“You mean be useful?” Isaac offered.
“That might be your spoke in the wheel again. The useful, necessary thing. Is that you? A useful spoke in the wheel here with the Shakers?” She looked at him. “Instead of a contrary broken bit of broom straw.”
“Useful and necessary? It’s true I’m here because of the necessary need to eat. I was hungry. Brother Asa promised plentiful food here in exchange for some useful labor, and so I came to put my feet under their table.” He studied her face a moment. “Why are you here?”
“Because the preacher came looking for that peace Brother Forrest said could be found here. I heard him promising Preacher Palmer he’d be able to capture peace like as how it was a dove fluttering down to light on his hand. But that didn’t happen. From the looks of the poor man, it doesn’t appear he’s found a lick of peace here at Harmony Hill.”
“Maybe he’s too tormented by things he’s done wrong to get still enough in the spirit to let that peace come down.”
Isaac’s words bounced right back at him. Peace. Who was he to pretend to know anything about peace? As far as he was concerned, it was nothing more than a vague promise on the wind that no one ever captured. But then Brother Asa seemed to have a good grasp on it, along with many of the other Shaker brothers and sisters in the village. Even those who had never felt compelled to walk a fence rail to seek it. The Shaker peace had fallen on them like rain and melted away their contrary corners.
“What things?” Lacey asked.
“I don’t know.” Isaac shrugged a little. “I guess that’s for him to answer and not me. I just have to worry about my own wrongdoings.”
“Like talking to a sister hidden in among the trees?”
“A sin of the first order here in this place,” Isaac said, but he didn’t feel sinful at all. He felt better than he had for weeks.
She looked down as the color bloomed in her cheeks again. “Sister Drayma will not be happy with me. I should be picking strawberries.”
He smiled. “You ran away from your duty?”
Her face cleared as she looked up to smile back at him. “But then I found the cow, so maybe my wrong will be forgiven even if Sister Aurelia will be angry that I couldn’t keep up with her.” She looked around again and turned away from him. “I think it’s this way.”
“Why did Sister Aurelia want you to come into the woods with her?” he asked as he followed her.
Her shoulders stiffened a bit as she kept walking. He had about decided she was going to ignore his question when she spoke without looking back at him. “She told me the angels wanted her to dance with them and that they were wanting to dance with me too.”
“And did you?”
She peeked over her shoulder at him then. “Did I what?”
“Dance with them.”
“No. I fell flat on my face instead. I’m thinking they probably prefer more graceful dancers.”
“Like Sister Aurelia?”
“They do seem to call to her.”
“But you don’t believe it?”
Again she looked back over her shoulder at him, slowing her step a bit. “What makes you say that?”
“Your face at meeting when Sister Aurelia or perhaps her angel was pulling you out on the floor. Your voice now.”
“I believe in angels. I’m just not expecting any of them to come down to talk to me the way they do Sister Aurelia.” She turned away from him back toward the path as her voice changed, sounded sad all of a sudden. “Do you think angels can want to hurt you?”
He wished the path was wider so he could step up beside her. He wanted to see her face. “I don’t know. That might be something you should ask Sister Aurelia.”
“Maybe I’m afraid of what she will answer.” Lacey’s voice was so soft he could barely hear her. Then she seemed to shake off whatever was bothering her as she pointed up ahead. “The cow was right over there. On the other side of those bushes.”
The heifer was down on her side, exhausted from the effort of trying to push out her calf. She raised her head and scrambled to a sitting position when she saw them but didn’t stand up.
“Can you help her?” Lacey asked.
“Maybe. If she stays docile.” Isaac slipped the coil of rope off his shoulder and fashioned a loop in it. “I’ll see if I can get this over her head. Stay back in case she gets excited.”
Lacey stepped back and Isaac moved closer to the heifer, talking softly to her. “Easy girl. We just want to help you.”
The Shaker cows were used to being handled, so she let him step up beside her. She threw her head to the side when he reached down toward her, but he got the loop over her he
ad on the second try and then quickly twisted the rope in another loop around the heifer’s nose. As the cow scrambled to her feet to get away, Isaac wrapped the other end of the rope around a tree a couple of times and held it tight until she quit pulling against it. Then he handed the rope to Lacey. “Here, hold this and try to keep it from slipping.”
She took the rope with a worried look. “Do you think I’ll be able to hold her?”
“The tree will do most of the holding. Just make sure you don’t get your hand between the rope and the tree.”
“All right.” She grasped the rope with both hands.
The small hoof sticking out of the heifer’s vulva was right side down. That was a relief. There should be two, but at least the calf wasn’t upside down in the birth canal. Isaac kept talking to the cow softly as he rolled up his shirtsleeves and moved around behind her. He’d helped Mr. McElroy pull calves back on the farm. It had usually taken every bit of the strength of both of them, but sometimes a little change in the position of the calf could make a big difference. For sure the calf wouldn’t have much chance if he had to go fetch Brother Asa. That would take too long.
He put his hand up inside the cow to feel for the position of the calf. The heifer tried to jerk her head around toward him, but the rope held. Isaac shot a quick glance over at Lacey, who had braced her feet and was holding the rope taut around the tree. He turned his attention back to what he was feeling inside the heifer. The position of the calf’s head seemed all right, but one of its legs was doubled back. With care to keep the sharp hoof from injuring the cow, Isaac pushed the calf back down the birth canal to give the leg room to uncurl. He eased the curled leg forward until it seemed to be in the right position. The heifer’s head went down again as she started a new contraction. Working with the contraction, Isaac tugged the calf’s foot forward gently and then waited until the heifer’s muscles relaxed to pull his arm free.
He held his breath and felt a prayer want to take wing in his heart. For a cow. He couldn’t believe he was wanting to pray for a cow. If Brother Asa had been there, he would have been praying. He’d tell Isaac the Lord was in little things as well as big ones. And helping a poor dumb creature have a calf might very well be one of the big things.
The seconds ticked by. Became a long minute and then two. Nothing happened. He bent his head, not sure what he should do next.
“Are you praying?” Lacey asked. When he didn’t answer right away, she went on. “I am.”
“Do you think he’ll answer a prayer about a cow?”
“He’ll answer. Miss Mona used to tell me the Lord always answers. It’s just that we don’t like the answer sometimes.” She was quiet a few seconds before she went on. “I’m not going to like the answer this time if it isn’t that poor calf getting born right.”
“I prayed when my wife was sick,” Isaac said. “She died just the same.”
“Miss Mona used to say we got good out of the prayer even when we didn’t like the answer. That the good Lord helped us through.”
Isaac glanced over at Lacey. “You know what your Miss Mona believed, but what about what you believe? Do you know that?”
His words came out harsher than he’d intended and she looked near tears as she answered. “I used to know. Before Miss Mona passed and everything got in such a tangled up mess.” Then she flattened her lips in a thin, determined line. “But I’m going to figure it all out again, and I don’t care what you say. I think the Lord doesn’t mind a bit that I’m thinking on praying for this cow here. Or that other prayers are rising up in my heart. If he’s knowing how many hairs I’ve got on my head like the Bible tells us, he knows what I’ve got in my heart, don’t you think?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Isaac said. “I’m the one who doesn’t know what to believe. Or what I should be praying about.”
Her mouth softened. “How about I just say a prayer for both of us. The kind Miss Mona would say.” She didn’t wait for his answer, but instead shut her eyes and kept talking. “Dear Lord, please help this little cow have her calf. And help me and Brother Isaac know what we believe. Amen.”
“I thought praying was more complicated than that.”
“Sometimes. But other times we can just be out with what we want to be telling the Lord and that’s good enough.” Lacey nodded toward the cow as she eased her hold on the rope enough to let the cow lay back down. “Look, I think she’s trying again.”
This time both feet appeared and then the head was out, still wrapped in the birth membrane. Two more minutes and the calf was out on the ground. When the cow started clambering to her feet again, Isaac told Lacey, “Let her go.”
He yanked the makeshift halter off the cow’s head before she got all the way up. The cow gave Isaac a wary look before mooing softly and turning to her calf to start licking it. Isaac pulled his handkerchief out to wipe off his arm as he watched her.
“Come on, little fellow,” he said under his breath. “Talk to your mama.”
Lacey stepped up beside him, the slack rope still in her hand. “Is it all right?”
“I don’t know. But the mama hasn’t given up.”
“Mamas don’t,” Lacey said.
Something in her voice made Isaac look over at her. He had the feeling she was talking about more than the cow, but just then the calf raised its head and shook its ears free of the birth sac. Isaac let out a little whoop and grabbed Lacey and swung her around as she laughed out loud.
“The angels told me you found someone else to dance with,” a voice said behind them.
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Lacey almost fell again when Isaac hurriedly set her down at the sound of Aurelia’s voice. She staggered backward to get her footing, and Isaac had to grab her arm to steady her. It had to be her dizzy day. For sure all the talk of angels and then getting lost and now the little cow mooing and licking her calf was enough to make a person’s head spin. That didn’t even take into account how the terrible sadness of Rachel turning away from her mixed so strangely with the good feeling of talking to Isaac. She didn’t know how a person could want to laugh and cry at the same time, but she did.
She shot a little grin at Isaac before she stepped away from his hand. She was steady on her feet as she turned to look at Aurelia, leaning against a tree not far from the one Isaac had wrapped the rope around. She was still almost half hidden and Lacey wondered how long she’d been there, listening and watching. Had she been waiting to catch them doing wrong before she spoke up to let them know she was there?
Aurelia didn’t wish her ill, Lacey told herself as she pushed the uncharitable thought to the back of her mind. Aurelia wasn’t only her Shaker sister. She was a friend. Besides, Lacey didn’t want to think about Shaker rules and spying eyes. Watching the little calf spill out into the world and then shake its head with life was too fresh in her head. Isaac grabbing her had been a spontaneous reaction to his joy in seeing the calf alive. A moment of celebration. That’s all. A celebration Aurelia could join in and share.
“Look, Sister Aurelia. The calf. It’s trying to get up.” Lacey beckoned to Aurelia and then looked back at the calf. With the cow still licking it, the calf pushed up on its front legs to raise its head. It wobbled there half up and half down before it plopped down again. Worried, she glanced up at Isaac. “Is something wrong with its legs?” She’d seen new calves in the fields around the church, but never one so new. Those calves were always running all around the mother cows.
“Nay,” Isaac said. “Keep watching.”
The little cow mooed softly and nudged the calf with her nose. The calf pushed its front legs up again before raising its rump up on its back legs. A few wobbly steps and it instinctively headed for the cow’s udder. After nursing a couple of minutes, the calf’s tail began flicking back and forth.
“He’ll be all right now.” Isaac picked up the rope and began winding it up.
He was still smiling.
Aurelia moved up beside Lacey. She look
ed as bedraggled as Lacey felt, with strands of hair escaping her cap the same as Lacey’s. A few sticktights clung to the bottom of her skirt, and her collar was a bit askew. But at least her mess was all on the outside. And not on the inside like Lacey’s. Then again she thought she danced with angels. So who could say what the stranger mess was.
“What happened to you, Sister Lacey?” Aurelia said with barely a glance toward the calf. “The angels weren’t happy when you didn’t come.”
“I fell down. By the time I got up, you were too far ahead. I couldn’t find you.”
“You should have let the angels lead you.”
“If they’d come down and took hold of my hand, I’d have been glad for them to show me the way. But I didn’t happen to see the first one of them.” Lacey didn’t bother to hide her irritation. Aurelia couldn’t be running off losing her in the woods practically on purpose and then blaming her for getting lost. She had plenty to take blame for what she’d done. She wasn’t about to take blame for what she hadn’t done.
“Perhaps that’s because your eyes were too full of other things.” Aurelia frowned toward Isaac.
“I walked some way before my eyes saw Brother Isaac, if that’s what you’re trying to say. All I was seeing were trees and bushes. And then I found this little cow trying to have a calf. I was trying to find my way back to the barns to tell somebody when I ran into Brother Isaac, who just happened to be hunting this very cow. I guess that was a lucky thing.”
“What does a Believer have to do with luck? A Believer leaves nothing to chance. Each and every day is planned and arranged,” Aurelia said.
“And yet we didn’t do the duties planned for us on this day. We ran off to the woods.”
“Nay, there are many duties. It is as much a duty to listen to the angels as to pick strawberries. We were called to the woods by the angels.”
“Did you find them?” Lacey peered at her and wondered whether Aurelia would have found the angels if Lacey had been able to keep up with her. For sure Lacey didn’t believe she would have seen a single one.
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