by Dianne Drake
He’d promised Evangeline he’d take her to the reservation. Had assured her and reassured her because she hadn’t liked making that drive by herself. Yet when the time had come, he’d made another choice. To sleep. And maybe Winona was right when she’d said that the village had taken too much of him. But he’d allowed that to happen. Maybe as an excuse to stay away since he hadn’t been happy in his marriage. Or maybe he’d liked being of service. He didn’t remember now. Didn’t remember anything except the look of hurt on Evangeline’s face that morning when he’d rolled over in bed to go back to sleep after she’d just begged him to drive her.
The last look. And he’d never said goodbye. Not to Evangeline. Not to Alice. “Alice,” he whispered, his voice trembling. He hadn’t kissed his little girl goodbye. That was what hurt the most.
So now he deserved to live with the memories of what he’d done. He also deserved all the ghosts that haunted him, and to be reminded every day what a waste he was. What a failure.
Jack sat up on the edge of the bed and dropped his feet to the cold wooden floor. He braced himself to stand, then looked out the bedroom window, saw the sun. He hated the sun when he felt this way. Hated life. Then he stood, tugged on his jeans and shirt, stretched, grabbed his personal backpack and headed down the hall, trying to psych himself up for what he had to face this morning. More patients would be waiting. At least twenty of them who’d come yesterday but had started a list for today when they hadn’t been seen.
It was always like that at Saka’am. Too much need, not enough of anything to go around. That was why Evangeline had chosen to return here to live. She’d been a social worker who’d wanted to make a difference. She’d had ideals. Dreams. Hopes for the future of her little hometown. Hopes for the future of her people. And now...
He looked at himself in the mirror, then looked away. There was nothing there he wanted to see. “You ready for work?” he called, when he heard Carrie’s footsteps in the hall.
“Yep. Someone left muffins and coffee for us, in case you’re interested.”
Her cheerful voice annoyed him. And when he stepped back into the hall, the optimism shining on her face annoyed him almost as much. “You go on. I’ll be right behind you.”
“Are you always so grumpy in the morning?” she persisted.
“Usually.”
“That’s too bad, because mornings are the best part of the day. You know, new outlook, new opportunities. Wake up on the right side of the bed some morning and you might find you like it.”
“What I like is two cups of coffee and solitude in the morning.”
“Well, I can accommodate you on both. Coffee’s in the kitchen and solitude starts right now.” With that, she walked straight to the front door, Bella trailing along after her, then went outside.
The door banged behind her and Jack flinched. He dragged himself to the kitchen for his coffee. Damn morning, he thought as he plodded back to the bedroom to pick up his belongings. Stupid, damn morning.
* * *
Heading into his own exam area, Jack pushed back the curtains and was greeted by Arthur Two Crows and Bella, sitting there looking silly happy. Great, he thought. Can’t have the girl, but I get her damned dog as a consolation prize. “Carrie,” he yelled across the room. “Would you please come get your dog? She’s in my exam area.”
“Her name’s Bella,” Carrie called back.
* * *
“Carrie mentioned you weren’t in the best mood this morning,” Palloton said, stepping outside on the stoop to stand next to Jack, who was taking a break.
“Bad memories.”
“I wondered about that. In fact, I’ve wondered why you even came here. Figured you were just into a harder than ever punishment phase.”
Jack looked out into the middle of the road where Chief Charley had taken up his post, standing there, arms folded across his chest, still scowling, still watching. “Actually, I was hoping it wouldn’t be so hard. You know that saying about time healing all wounds.”
“Only if you let it, Wiwa. Look, last time we talked—what was it? A month before you came back. Anyway, you told me then you needed something different, and I told you to be a heron. In Native American cultures, the heron is a symbol of good luck and patience. I like that interpretation. But in some areas the heron is a restless loner, probably because herons in nature are solitary creatures.” He chuckled. “Except during breeding times. So, when I told you to be a heron, I didn’t mean the one who is the restless loner. I meant the one who is a symbol of good luck and patience. Because that’s who you are. And you’ll see that again once you become the heron.”
“Did they teach you that in law school, Palloton?” Jack asked bitterly.
Palloton laughed. “No. That’s what life has taught me so far. And it’s taught you the same thing. You simply can’t see it right now.”
“What I see is what I ought to see. Nothing more.”
“Those were difficult days. But you’re tough enough to get through them. If you let yourself.”
“Easy to say, but everything I’m doing lately feels like I’m lost, with no direction. I knew I had to come back to face it. To face myself. But it’s not working.”
“It’s about the climb, Jack. The struggles may knock you down right now, but you’ve got to keep trying because at some point you’re going to make it to the top. And I promise you, the view, when you get there, will be worth the effort. That’s where you’ll see the true heron.”
“If I get there.”
“The question is, do you want to get there?”
“I didn’t for a long time. But now...” He shrugged. Shook his head. Let out a heavy sigh.
“Well, Carrie said you were out late last night. You should have called me, Wiwa. No way I would have let you do what you were doing alone. In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve got your back. Always have, always will.”
“And I appreciate that. But last night...no big deal. Just couldn’t sleep so I went for a long walk.”
“You went there, didn’t you? Where it happened?”
“I might have.” Jack patted his old friend on the shoulder as he stepped around him. “And as far as your heron goes, maybe you should have called me Nko’o instead of Wiwa. It means single or solitary, and that’s the heron I am now.”
“Only if you want to be,” Palloton said, turning to look at Charley. He acknowledged the man with the briefest of nods and then returned to his desk. “Oh, and I’ll be in Marrell week after next. A civil suit between property owners. Might stay there a few days, especially if you want to go climb Stonewall or Jasper Ridge. Sound interesting?”
“Maybe,” he said, his mood beginning to lighten. “If I have time.”
“Sounds like fun to me,” Carrie said, in passing.
“You climb?” Palloton asked her.
She shook her head. “Not yet. But Jack’s going to teach me.”
“Well, you’re in great hands. He’s the best around. Nobody I know could ever outclimb him. Including me. And I’m pretty good.”
“Give me some time,” she joked, “and maybe I’ll give you two a run for your money.”
“You’re going to have to develop some pretty good skills, especially where Jack’s concerned. Once you get him on the ropes, he’s a natural.”
A natural, Jack thought. Maybe once. But so much of him was gone now, he didn’t know what was left. Yet as he looked at Carrie, who was bubbling with enthusiasm, and so happy to be doing what she was doing, he wondered if some of the moving forward she was so keen on would work for him. Because where he was now was a place he didn’t want to be. Not anymore. But he’d gone on so long being this way he wasn’t sure he knew how to get out of it. Or what would be out there for him if he did, somehow, manage to move forward. “Will there be a wager involved?” he asked Palloton, finally giving in to a smile.
“When was there not a wager involved?” his friend answered. Then, turning to Carrie, he winked. “I always let him win.”
“You let me win?” Jack laughed out loud. “In your dreams, my friend. In your dreams.”
* * *
The trip back to Marrell was quiet. Jack didn’t talk much. Mostly, general chitchat. Or about climbing. His mood was certainly better than it had been earlier and for that Carrie was grateful, as she hadn’t looked forward to the long, bumpy ride in his gloomy cloud. And so the time passed, not quickly but not in discomfort either. But when they turned onto Marrell’s main road the first thing they saw was the cloud of black smoke hanging over a crowd of people that had gathered in the street and were simply standing there. The second thing they saw were the last of the embers of what had formerly been...her apartment.
It took a minute for it to sink in that she was looking at the ashes of practically everything she owned in this world. When she finally did realize it, the only word she could manage was a very quiet “No.” This couldn’t be happening. Another shove backward. Not again.
Jack’s response was to take hold of her hand, then hold tight. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ll help you get through this, Carrie. I’m not sure what it’s going to take, but you can count on me. I promise.” He squeezed her hand even tighter, then scooted closer to her, as close as the seat divider would allow, and put his arm around her shoulder. “Maybe there’s something left.”
“I didn’t have much to begin with, so I doubt it. I mean, except for Bella, my old truck and what I have in my backpack...everything in there was my entire life.” No, she didn’t have much in terms of possessions. Clothes, a couple of mementoes from her past. Her school books... Still, this was her life gone up in flames, the way it always had. And she was angry and hurt and scared because this should have been a fresh start. “So, what do I do now?” she asked, glad for the hand that still held hers because she was so close to tears she didn’t want to shed. Those tears would mean defeat, and she wouldn’t be defeated. Although she felt so close to it right now. Which made her appreciate Jack’s reassurance, even though she didn’t have anything left to be reassured about.
“For starters, move in with me. My lifestyle is pretty...sparse. But I’ve got a spare room and a bed, and it’s yours, if that’s what you want to do.”
His gesture touched her. Every time she’d been kicked to the ground before, there’d been no one there to help her back up. But that was what Jack was doing. He was holding out his hand to her and she didn’t know how to respond to that. “That might work for a day or two, but what about next week? Or next month? What do I do about that? I mean, how can I even take your course? My books were in there, and I can’t afford to replace them.”
Jack moved even closer to her to allow her to put her head on his shoulder. Which she did, without hesitation. “We’ll figure it out, Carrie. I know I’m not very good at the friendship thing, but I want to help you.”
“Because you want me in Saka’am?”
“Because I want you to fulfill something in yourself that I’m not able to fulfill in myself.”
“I...I don’t know what to say,” she said, swiping back tears that finally let go. Tears she no longer wished to fight. “Except...do you have indoor plumbing?” She was so discouraged yet so grateful to have Jack step in for her the way he was, even if she didn’t understand it. Maybe, though, she didn’t have to. Maybe it was a simple gesture of kindness...the kindness Palloton had spoken of. The kindness the people of Saka’am knew in him. The real Jack Hanson.
He chuckled. “Electricity, too. The whole package. Including an extra toothbrush, if you need it.”
“That one I’ve got. Along with one set of clothes, my hairbrush and an extra pair of shoes.”
“Then that’s your start,” he said. “And whatever you don’t have, or will need right away, we’ll get it.”
It was a nice offer, and she desperately wanted it to be sincere. But in her experience nice offers always turned into bad things. The philanthropist who’d offered to put her through nursing school but had expected favors, which she wouldn’t grant. The police sergeant who’d offered to put in a promotion recommendation for her if she covered up an impropriety of his, which she wouldn’t do. The foster mother who’d offered her a permanent home in exchange for what amounted to little more than slavery, which she’d refused to submit herself to. Yes, nice offers on the surface that came with all sorts of consequences and, right now, she didn’t want another consequence to face. Especially not from Jack.
“I’ve never had anybody just offer me anything without wanting something in return,” she said, still swatting at her tears. “And I have nothing to give in return. So, while I appreciate what you’re trying to do, I’m really good at starting over. I’ve had lots of practice. Which means I can handle this on my own, Jack. You don’t have to be bothered with me.”
“I’m not bothered with you, Carrie. I know you think I am, and I’m sure I come off that way, but I’m not, and you don’t have to handle this on your own. I can help you. And your dog.”
“Her name’s Bella.” Carrie took one final look at the burnt pile of her life, then shut her eyes to it. It was time to move on—again. But this time in an unforeseen direction.
* * *
Jack brought his truck to a stop in front of his cabin. Like so many of the other cabins around there, it was log with a green tin roof and a substantial set of steps up to the front porch. It was two stories high, surrounded by nothing except grass and prairie shrubs. “Can you cook?” he asked, as he helped her out.
She looked around, liked what she saw. The openness, especially. She’d never lived anywhere so open before, and as far as she could see in every direction there were no cars or people or buildings. Just nature. To a city girl, so much nature all around her was wonderful. Liberating. She drew in a deep breath of fresh Montana air and savored the essence of it for a moment before she let it back out. “Not really. I can open cans, and I’m good with the microwave, but in my life...” She shrugged. “Never had the chance to learn. This is amazing, Jack. I expected...well, not this.”
He laughed. “Not everything reflects my personality. I liked this place when I was a kid. Saw potential here. It was always in rough shape, but when I got the chance to buy it, I did, and fixed it up. Some things are worth the effort to bring back.”
“Is that how you see me? As someone worth the effort to bring back?”
“I see you as someone who’s worth a lot more than she thinks she is. Someone who doesn’t see the potential in herself that I see.”
“Do you really see that much potential in me?” It pleased her to know he did because that validated her and she desperately wanted to be validated by him.
“Maybe not in your domestic skills, but as a medic you have what it takes, Carrie. It may be a little rough around the edges at times, but it’s all there. Instinct, skill, desire. All of it. But since you can’t cook...” He cocked an amused eyebrow. “Any chance you can clean?”
She was over the moon happy he saw that in her when no one else ever had. That meant he was looking at her closely, and she liked it that he was. “Yes. I’m probably not as organized as you’d prefer, but I’m tidy, and I do like to keep everything clean. Living on the streets in filth will do that to you. Oh, and I’ll do the laundry. Not that I’ll have much of it myself. But it goes along with that whole cleanliness thing... Having clean clothes when I grew up was a luxury, and I don’t take washing them for granted now.”
“Laundry’s good. And what about coffee?” he asked.
“I make great coffee.” OK, that was a lie. Her coffee was horrible. She knew it. But she didn’t want to let him down. Besides, if she practiced, she’d improve. That was what her life had been about—practicing to improve.
“Then that’s the arrangement. Cleaning and cof
fee.”
“And you throw in everything else? Seems like I’m getting the best of this deal.”
“I’m happy with what I’m getting,” he said, as he opened the front door. “If we stick to the agreement, everything will be fine.”
“What you’re getting is me, and I’m not easy. In fact, I lied about the coffee. I can’t make it. It always ends up tasting like mud.”
“Did you lie about the laundry?” he asked, fighting back a smile.
“No. That’s something I can do.”
“Then let’s make that the agreement. You get the laundry and the cleaning, I get everything else.”
“You’re too kind,” she said, finally feeling better about the situation. This was the part of Jack she really liked. The lighter, friendlier, understanding side. Not that she didn’t like the darker parts but they were more difficult to deal with as he wouldn’t let her close to them. This part, though, was lovely. He made her feel cared for, and cared about. Made her feel like she mattered to him in ways other than being his student, or someone he had work plans for somewhere down the road.
Most of all, it made her feel like she belonged here. And for someone who’d never belonged anywhere before, that was an overwhelming feeling. One that caused her to hope for things she’d never dared hope for. So, maybe everything would turn out better than she could have ever expected but had always wanted.
“Let me hear you say that after you’ve lived with me a couple of days.”
“You’re not that bad,” she said, heading for what she believed was the kitchen. “There used to be this cat in my neighborhood. If she saw you coming near her, she’d puff all up, try to make herself larger than she was, hoping that would scare you off. It was the only defense she had against people she didn’t want around her, people she was afraid of. But if you could get near, the puff went down, and she’d snuggle on your lap and purr. Palloton may think you’re a heron, but I think you’re that pussycat. So, let me try the coffee. I might get lucky.” She giggled as Bella bounded into the cabin, went straight to Jack, then leaned against his leg. “And it looks like Bella thinks she’s getting pretty lucky, too.”