Keeping the Promises

by Gajjar, Dhruv

  “Hmm, if the three of you permit, I want to say something to Nilu. May I?” He asks, my heart is in my mouth, what’d that be? Just another beating around the bush or something – of which I’ve been praying for so long – about us?

  “Without any reservations…” Angie simpers and I shiver.

  After a brief smile, he starts.

  “Nilu, first of all, I need you to know something. My feelings for you are not just limited to friendship, it’s much beyond that – one step away from love, and that’s not because you’re not good enough. You’ve been more than anything I could ever ask for…”

  He pauses and I continue shivering. For the first time, I’m hearing those kind of words from him.

  And he continues.

  “But guys, you all know what we all have been through. Angie, your best friend M, you know what she means to us? Ansh, you know you owe her every slice of happiness you’re having.” They both nod, that’s something you’ll get to know about her later.

  “And Nilu, I still love her and you know that better than anyone else. I’m afraid, afraid of not doing justice to you despite of the feelings I have for you. That’s one thing, and besides that I’ve made mistakes…mistakes that drastically changed my life. I’m still trying to recuperate myself from that and I sincerely believe that you deserve someone better than me. I know you won’t agree with me on that but that’s because you love me and I’m aware of the feelings you have for me. Trust me Nilu, we’re almost on the same page. But, as you all know I’m carrying a burden of my haunted past with me and that’s too heavy for me…”

  He moves closer, takes my right hand and my God, I flush.

  “This is the hand which held me in my hardest times, this is the hand that has seen my worst and my best from the past fifteen years, and this is the hand I don’t want to hurt with the disparity of my own mind. Tell me, would my best friend inside you forgive me if I hurt that girl who’s madly in love with me?”

  What do I say to this? I realise that more than anything else, he’s my best friend. And he needs me, whether we go further from that or not. I shouldn’t leave his hand. His hand, how can I undermine the copulative spark it gives me? But, when it comes to friendship, everything else is minuscule and shallow. I caress his head with my hand and touch his cheek with my thumb to wipe the tears he’s shedding.

  “Dhruv, you remember back in school when you had to stay away from me because Ansh didn’t like me? What did I tell you? I had said, our friendship is above everything else and even if we can’t be together forever, you’d still be the most important person in my life. I was twelve when I said this. I meant it then and I mean it now. Regardless of where life takes us, you’ll continue to be the most important person in my life,”

  And he breaks down in my arms, we both are in tears. A part of us is shedding tears for the intact and unbreakable friendship we share, and a part of us is shedding tears for the pain that came after remembering the person we both love – M! Yes, none of them know how much I love her and I’m completely unsure of what their reaction would be if I share that truth with them. I can’t right now. I can’t ruin the moment, not in-between the heavenly hug of the person I love. Because I’m wearing a traditional choli, I feel his hand on my half bare back, and oh my…I flush. Angie notices it and clears her throat, and we – unwillingly – drift apart.

  “By the way Nilu, is there any chance of you forgiving me for those insane childhood stuffs? Your lines were touchy, but it was ironic when you drew me into that!” Ansh chuckles, trying to lighten things up.

  “I do forgive you Ansh, as long as you obey every single rule of your to-be-wife.” I retort with a grin. Angie throws a wry smile. Having friends is great; thank you, M!

  After a brief chattering session, we are positioned to hear Dhruv and as I know, he’s going to read us what he considers the worst part of his life. He’s scared and is in tears already. We together hold his hand tight.

  “Go on Gajju, you can do it,” Ansh says.

  “Are you guys sure? I mean it’s your big day tomorrow. We shouldn’t ruin the moment.”

  “Do it Dhruv; nothing’s going to be ruined. We are with you, holding your hand, providing the courage you require.” Angie utters. As you all know already, there’s something terrible on its way, something that could shatter all the romance passing through your veins and turn it into anguish, grief and anger. Go only if you’ve the courage to do so, otherwise save it for tomorrow.

  11 February

  February 11, apparently the worst day of my life. I don’t have any blissful memory of that day, although there must be some. I don’t remember any, because of the promise she took from me. Those eleven days, more than anything, were a journey of love, pain, care, parenthood, friendship; in one word, a whole new life. I found my new self of which I’d been oblivious all my life. Sometimes you evolve being a completely different person than what you’ve thought of yourself.

  I was, in fact, a nerd for whom how to survive detention due to lack of attendance was the only big problem. Another one would be how to arrange booze for the weekend party, or on a serious note, how to pass the semester exams. But, in those days, unwillingly, I had several encounters with various emotions. Having said that, the first thing that’d fill the list was loss. How can you imagine losing someone you love in your twenties? Had I known it before, I’d have choreographed some of the greatest moments for M, like the vacation she wanted to spend in Ireland; and then physical intimacy, we were never those types of people who consider premarital sex a sin, we just wanted to take some time – like we did before committing ourselves to each other – just to make it more exciting, oblivious to what the affliction destiny had planned for us!

  Then I saw her, succumbing herself to death. I felt like dying too – like a tree withering without its roots, but there were two people who held my hand. They became my crying shoulders, my pillars of strength, M’s parents – my mom and dad!

  While my biological parents were completely oblivious of the twister whirling my life, they successfully filled my parents’ shoes. In those two years of my relationship, I met them hardly once or twice, that too without much interaction. On the very first day, the amount of love her dad showered on me and the confidence with which he adopted me regardless of what I’d been…that was something magical. They had a small yet great family; a gorgeous daughter, a sweet mother and a proud father. They both were cardiologists, so they knew the routes of heart better than anyone else. Yes, they too were doctors and with all their resources, they couldn’t save their only daughter. These are not my words; they said it and they’ll blame themselves all their life for it.

  In those twelve days, dad taught me patience, integrity and morality. How sometimes it is important to do something beyond traditions and rituals! He set a perfect example of true love. While mom – just like any other mom – had only one thing to offer, her unconditional affection and care. She taught me recipes of various soups, dishes and the biggest recipe – of hiding tears. She was always crying, but her face never showed that. Not because of anything else, but me; she knew that it was me who needed her more than she needed me. In those days, I grew up all over again, with the love of my life. In spite of a myriad amount of pain and grief, those days managed to create our little world, comprising happiness and joy – happiness of being together and the joy of learning various new things from them.

  During those days, I made up my mind of looking after them once she is gone. I’ll be their pillar of strength; I’ll be their stick with whom they can grow old together. Not only for M, but for me too! And I wanted to make it a mission of my life, and I would’ve done it successfully if…

  If that promise didn’t come along.

  “Promise me! You will never talk to my parents after my death.”

  “What? This is not done! I’m not giving any of those silly promises!” I snarled in frustration and I was loud, loud enough to drive mom-dad into our room.

&
nbsp; When they learned what that was all about – to all my surprise – they stood silent.

  “They’ve also given me their word Mithu! Please…” She mumbled, unable to finish her line. I glanced at them, they were clearly disappointed. But just like me, helpless too!

  “Just give her what she wants and come in my room Dhruv. Let’s have a drink together.” Dad said and walked out; mom followed him without uttering a word.

  I waited for a while for M to respond, but she didn’t. I wanted to fight her on that – like those days when we didn’t talk to each other for days – but, I didn’t have those days. From where I was seeing her, all I could say was that it was just a matter of a few hours, and I didn’t want to ruin them.

  “I promise…” I said and walked out.

  Dad opened an expensive bottle of scotch; he was not someone you expect to be even an occasional drinker. I quietly sat opposite him on another sofa.

  “Soda or water?” He asked.

  I needed nothing. I could consume it without diluting. After all, that’s what I’d been doing for the past seven months. But I didn’t want him to get hurt, at least not at that moment.

  “Soda dad!”

  He poured about fifty ml large scotch and another fifty ml of soda for himself and for me. He knew how much we needed to pass through the bloody promise which I considered senseless.

  After consuming three consecutive drinks without uttering a word, I finally managed to pull out the question I wanted to ask.

  “Dad! Do you know why she did this?”

  “Yes, Dhruv! But I’m not allowed to tell you.”

  M and her bloody promises, I hate you M!

  “Will it do something good?”

  “May be later, yes!”

  “Okay…”

  And then three straight shots! My eyes were tipsy and so were his. Mom was already in bed, weeping secretly as she did all the time.

  The bottle was empty. I finished my first and last drink with her dad, someone whom I was supposed to look after. She unwillingly freed me from my responsibility and I still don’t know why. I just hope she had a bloody good reason for doing that.

  I stood up to leave, but not before helping him reach his bed.

  “I love you, son, always remember that.” He quivered and said while I put him in his bed.

  “I love you too, dad!”

  And I walked out in tears, the moment I’ll hate for the rest of my life.

  The festival is over; Ansh and Angie are married and now probably on the way to their honeymoon. Angie somehow didn’t give me the exact information on their departure date and time and although I wanted to see them off to their flight, Dhruv refused and that made me angry. I knew he didn’t want me to spoil my work. He cares about me. He genuinely does.

  But then, why did he ask me to take a day off? What was it for which he wanted me for an entire day? I don’t know yet, but I’ve to figure it out. Is this the day? When I will hear the big call from him? No, I don’t think so. I don’t think he can. Not until he is finished working on the atrocious part. I know it is taking him longer than usual, but I certainly empathise with his agony – because somewhere inside, I’m having the same. Even I’m unsure of how I’d be able to read it at once or if I’d be able to read it at all. I don’t know. Just like I don’t know where he’ll take me. Will we be alone? I hope so – but we have never been alone for an entire day!

  He drives near, moves his car closer to me. I sit inside and close the door. I look at him…

  Jeez…His eyes…they are red…blood red…swollen and blood red!

  Oh my! He has done it. He has finished it. He has been crying all night, but he has done it. I – along with Ansh and Angie – was skeptical about how he’d do it; but he has, he has finished what he promised.

  So that’s why he asked me to take a day off? May be, but I need to ask him where we’re going because the route we’ve taken does not lead us to Cafe Piano.

  “Where are we going, Dhruv?” I softly ask.

  “My place, at Baroda.”

  What!! My heart jumps at my throat. Why is he taking me there? Just the two of us? I don’t know what to make out of this. And before I say something, he clears my mind.

  “Don’t worry Nilu! It’s not what you are thinking, and we’ll be back in a few hours. Trust me.”

  I know; not trusting him would be the last thing on my mind, but all my thoughts are running. Is this what I’m thinking? Is this the big day? I’ll have to wait for probably two hours to find out. But I’m happy; I always wanted to see his home there. I want to see the room where Ansh and Angie ascertained each other completely, and the sofa Dhruv mentioned, where he and M watched P.S. I Love You in each other’s arms. I want to see the table where he proposed to M, which she mentioned even in our last meeting. I’m both exhilarated and nervous at the same time; what if he proposes me there? In the same house and under the same roof? That would be more than anything he could ever give me. All the struggle and pain that we are going through, there would be no better end to this. I want that – desperately.

  In between the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind, he hands his iPhone to me.

  “Read the final part.”

  “What? Here? I mean in the car?” I say appraising my nervousness.

  “Yes, Nilu, we’ve almost one-and-a-half hour to reach there. Let’s use it.”

  And I start reading.

  12 February:

  The goodbye kiss

  It was a quiet and peaceful morning. The clock was ticking and it was the only sound I could hear. I wasn’t feeling her breaths. I already sensed it. I woke up and looked at her. She was gone. I moved my hand close to her eyes, but Wait! She moved her head a bit. I felt blessed with a new life. She was not gone. I had one more day. She finally opened her eyes and smiled at me.

  “Mithu?” She was barely able to speak now and almost mumbled.

  “Yes, baby. I’m right here.”

  “The time has come,” she said and tears rolled down her eyes. I wiped her tears, but failed to sense the amount of tears I kept shedding, which I did not want to wipe. I wanted to cry. Only they could help me with the pain of losing her.

  “Mithu?”

  “Hmm.” A blunt sound came out as my voice chocked within my throat.

  “It’s the time for a goodbye kiss.”

  I know my love! But how can I see you going?

  “Are you in hurry, M? Or can you wait for five minutes?”

  “I could wait all my life for you Mithu, if it was in my hand. But I don’t think our God is so cruel that he will not give me five more minutes.”

  Our God, the concept of our God was simple. We both believed in one God, who is beyond religions, mosques, temples, and churches. Our God lives within ourselves and within every other being. And yes, he was not so cruel after all. He gave us more than five minutes. I’ll always be grateful to him that he gave us the chance of saying goodbye. This way, he proved his existence to me. Otherwise, she’d died five days ago. But he gave me all those moments to live my life with – along with those bloody promises. But you have to pay your price and perhaps those promises were my price.

  “Mithu!”

  “Hmm?”

  “Say something Mithu! I do not have much time left.”

  I grabbed her hand and kissed it.

  “You are still not done with kisses, right?”

  “No, never!”

  “So… How was it Mithu?”

  “How was what?”

  “The entire quest of us?”

  “You know how it was baby. You know, I could do anything possible to change our fate because somehow I feel that I couldn’t give you everything I wanted to. Love, passion, intimacy…I feel there are so many things I’ve missed and failed in giving you.”

  “Hey Mithu, shhh! Please don’t say that. You have given me more than I could possibly ever desire. I know we are not having a perfect end of our story, but I assure you that I will be around. I
’m not done with you yet. You’ll feel me around someday. Now tell me, how was I? Praise me, compliment me…because I want to relive those moments for one last time.” She winked with a smile. Girls! They want compliments even on the deathbed…

  But what I said was much more than compliments and praises. I made her relive our whole journey – of course with tears in our eyes. I had tears of all my life in those last twelve days but as I said, I did not mind crying.

  “Our journey… It started with your tears, remember? (her face frowned, snaps at me). You were crying in the middle of that road, when I saw you from my car, I thought How dumb is She? (she gets more angry, gasping in fury). But then I realised that she was not crying for herself. She was crying for the stress it could cause her father. Though it was still hard to understand that for an irresponsible and insensitive guy like me, I somehow found it cute (she blushes) and then all that night, we were chasing each other’s eyes (she smiles, yeah, we did). Although at first, I thought it may be infatuation because I did not believe in love at first sight. But I knew this wasn’t just any other attraction; it was something more than that (she blushes even more). You know you were not the first girl in my life and because of those bloody promises, not the last (she now grins, flaunting pride for that bloody promise). But, you were special. Because I still get butterflies in my stomach when I look into your eyes. I still get as fascinated as I was when I saw you for the first time. I felt it was my duty to never let that smile drop from your face. I always wanted to make you laugh. Every minute, I was thinking about how to impress you and when I saw my plans working, I would literally jump with joy (her eyes moistened, but she hadn’t dropped her smile. She still gets impressed by me). Then a big day came, I proposed to you. First through a text message and then at my home, by looking into your eyes, just the way you wanted (her nose and cheeks are getting red. She is blushing more than ever). On that day, I kissed you for the first time. It was like a never-ending ecstatic excursion. I still can feel those lips. Pink, wide and gorgeous. Oh shit I’m getting butterflies, even now (She tightened her grip on my hand, as if she would never want to leave them). Then it became regular. Kisses, fights and a competition. Who’s smarter? And I won it by outsmarting you most of the times (She now gets angry; twitches her face, clenches her teeth and smiles too. A combination good enough to instigate me to smooch her which I did… and continued). Ansh, Angie, you and I – the fantastic four. No amount of money can buy the time we shared together. We were extremely romantic and crazy enough to blow each other’s minds and passionate enough to kiss each other in front of them. I think they were more shameless, what say? (She widens her smile, nods her head in affirmation). It was going like a desired dream when the time came…you left me. I should’ve tried to understand you and should’ve known you well enough that you could never leave me like this. I should’ve remained calm and sought the reason. But I turned into a jerk. After seven forgettable months with alcohol, drugs and dopes, our God was kind enough to give me that wake-up call through that accident at the right time (heavy tears started dropping from her eyes). Sorry baby, for hurting you, but it was also a part of my love for you. No matter how drunk I got, no matter how many cigarettes I smoked, no matter how many drugs I took, I always failed in erasing your memories. Not a single day passed when I did not feel for you; your sharp blue almond eyes, your delicate red nose and ears, your silky golden hair, your everlasting and enchanting smile. I just couldn’t get rid of you. Even though I tried to hate you a lot, but I could never really succeed in that. My love, you were a part of me. How could I cut you off (she is still in heavy tears and not even trying to restrain it)? When I came back, you did not have much time left and I did not have enough time left with you. The last two weeks, my love, I can proudly say that you’ve changed me and my life in those two weeks. When I first saw you like this, I was a person in unbearable grief and turmoil. In these past few days, you’ve taught me what life really is; through this story which I wrote for you and through our new family that will be strangers again from now and that’s because of you (this time I snapped at her, she lowered her wet eyes). I feel like I’m born again as a better person than I used to be. I grew up. I can feel that I’m more mature and calm than I used to be. Still, a part of me will always hate one word because of you – sacrifice. I’ll always hate that word and a part of me will always hate you for choosing death over me (she is now weeping - in extreme disappointment. I realised I should have slurred my words). My love! But you gave me a new birth. The wisdom I got in these last fifteen days, will always be with me like shadow as well as a gift from you. Thank you, my love! Thank you, for coming into my life and making it wonderful (she is now smiling. Gripping my hand as tightly as she can and trying hard to move her head to kiss my hand. I gave it to her and she kissed my hand and her tears moistened my hand).”