by Jani Kay
“We’ve always been close, and you know I care about you, Ryder.”
I nodded. Mia was like a sister to me and I always valued her opinion.
“I’ve been thinking a lot,” she said in a soft voice. “Hell, it’s all I’ve been doing. Sleep evades me, and my brain won’t shut down. It keeps going around and around in circles until I think I’m going crazy.”
A wry smile twisted my lips. “I know the feeling.”
Mia twisted her fingers in her lap, her eyes cast down. “You can tell me that this is none of my business—”
I placed my hand over hers. “I’m always interested in what you have to say. Talk to me.”
Her back straightened, and she looked up to meet my gaze. “Don’t let Jade slip through your fingers, Ryder. Your love is the most important thing you have. Nothing else really matters in the big scheme of things. I’ve come to realize that, and maybe for me it’s too late . . . but you, you still have a chance. You can rise above all of this and find your happiness. It’s what Cobra would have wanted.”
She’s already talking as if he’s dead. It cut me to the core.
I sucked in a breath, not quite sure where she was going with this. “What are you saying, Mia?”
Mia bit into her lower lip as her eyes misted up. “Up until the early hours of this morning, the most important thing to me was that Cobra’s wishes be fulfilled. I couldn’t see past anything else. But now I realize what he asked was for himself, and it doesn’t serve you.”
I swallowed the thick lump in my throat.
She squeezed my hand. “I’m setting you free from your promise to Cobra. He wouldn’t want you to pay the price of losing Jade and your family. Above all, Cobra is a family man, and it’s his loyalty to both the club and his family that nearly killed him. He wouldn’t want that to happen to you. There’s no point in dying too young and leaving the ones you love to fend for themselves.”
Mia’s words were without bitterness. I had to admit they made some sense.
“Hey sweetheart, I don’t want you worrying about me. Focus your energy on yourself and your kids, and trust me to take care of the rest. I’m not going to let you down.”
Mia’s back straightened. “Men. You’re all the same. You never damn well listen.”
Taken aback, I recoiled a few inches away from her. “Shit, what did I do to deserve that?”
“You’re just being a typical male.” She gave me a small smile. “Stubborn. Stupid.”
“Who, me?” I kept my voice light in an attempt to diffuse her mood, and failed.
Her lips drew into a thin line, and the signs of humor I’d seen seconds ago dissipated. “You and every other man alive. Never willing to listen until it’s too late.”
I held both my hands up in the air. “Whoa, those are harsh words.”
“Well then listen to me, Ryder.” The lines on her forehead deepened and she let out a sigh filled with despair. “If Cobra had listened to me that morning and we’d gone into hiding instead of coming back to the club, he might not have been shot.” She narrowed her eyes. “If you listen to me now, you might not lose the love of your life. I’m just trying to help you.”
I jumped to my feet and moved toward the window. “I know you have good intentions, but Jade and I are at a crossroads. Our worlds are so different. Once I believed we could overcome anything in the name of love, but now I’m not so sure.”
“You can’t be telling me that you’re just going to give up, are you? I never took you for a quitter.”
“I’m no quitter,” I roared, pissed that she could even think such a thing.
“Well, I’d love for you to prove me wrong where Jade is concerned. How many hours has she been gone now, and have you even gone after her?”
“We’re in lockdown remember? Everyone seems to forget that. Every time someone leaves the compound they’re at risk.”
“Ryder!” Mia’s voice was sharp and loud. I jerked my head toward her. “Stop ranting and avoiding the real question. I asked about Jade.”
I shoved my hands deep into my pockets. “I called her a few times, but she won’t talk to me.” Just saying it out loud made me feel even more miserable. “I’ve spoken to Eva and she gives me regular updates, so I know Jade is okay.”
Mia threw her hands in the air and her eyes blazed. “See? Exactly what I said. Men are stupid. Don’t you realize she needs you? She wants to know that she is worth fighting for. She’s waiting for you, Ryder. Don’t fuck this up.”
“Then why did she leave?” Frustration rolled off me. Sometimes I just couldn’t understand women. “I begged Jade to stay, to support me. She said she couldn’t. She was the one who left—” I punched my fist into the wall.
A mischievous glint in her eyes caught my attention. “You still haven’t learned, even after all this time. I thought you were smart, but I think I’ve given you way too much credit.”
Fuck. Mia was insulting me with a smile, and the worst of it? She was right.
“You want me to leave the compound and rush off to go and see her? We’ll just end up saying the same things to one another as before.”
Mia folded her arms across her chest. “No! Didn’t you listen to anything I said earlier? Stop being a dumb asshole. Screw lockdown. You’ve got to go to Jade and fix things. If I were you, I’d be on my bike already.”
I matched her body language and crossed my arms over my chest, too. “I can’t just leave.”
“Yes, you can.” Mia raised her eyebrows and glared at me. “Nobody is stopping you but yourself. Now, am I going to have to kick your ass to get you out of here, or are you going to grow some balls and go after your woman?”
24 — Ryder
When Savage called just after Mia left the office to tell me they were planning a hit on Daemon’s gang, I could have kissed the fucker. Summers had established that the order for the hit on Cobra was only from our biker rivals even though they were working with the Mexican cartel. It was somewhat of a relief to have to go after one party instead of two.
Finally, things were going to happen, and lockdown would be over once the shit had been cleared up.
Maybe Jade and I could work something out if we could move around freely.
“Hey, I know it’s not police procedure, but I wanna come too. I’ve got to see with my own eyes that the fuckers who tried to kill Cobra are getting what they deserve. I owe it to Mia and Jade to tell them that it’s over and that they can stop worrying. And Razor’s been on my back ranting about vengeance like a crazy man, and it’s doing my fucking head in.”
Savage chuckled. “Harrison warned me that you’d want to come. You’re right, normally we wouldn’t do anything so risky, but as long as you follow orders, you can come along for the ride.”
I wiped the sweat from my brow. For a moment I’d worried that he’d deny my request. It would kill me, sitting and waiting for the operation to be over.
“Be here in two hours. Don’t be late or we leave without you.”
“Like fuck I’m letting that happen,” I said, my heart feeling lighter than it had in a while.
Once we had closure about the attackers, we could all rest easier. If they were under lock and key—or even better, dead—the immediate threat was over.
As soon as I hung up, I went in search of Hammer. He was the only one I trusted with the information about what was about to go down. If Razor got as much as a sniff of it, he’d demand to come too, and his hot head could jeopardize everything.
An hour after the call from Savage and I was straddling my bike and ready for action. The Harley’s chrome gleamed in the afternoon sun as the bike fired up. Every muscle in my body was tight, and tension had gathered in my neck and shoulders, too. As soon as I was out on the open road with the wind on my face, I’d feel better.
Opening the throttle, I put the bike through its paces, accelerating through the back roads toward the highway and leaving dust hanging in the air. I couldn’t get to my destination qui
ck enough.
When I found the address Savage had texted me, I parked the bike and dismounted, my boots crunching on the gravel as I swiftly entered through a side door he’d told me to use. I wasn’t in the mood to get my head shot off by a trigger happy cop, so I called out in a low voice into the silence to alert them of my arrival. Every hair on my neck stood up straight and my ears pitched for the tiniest sound. My hand rested on my gun, ready to use it if challenged.
“Hey, it’s me, Ryder.” My voice sounded hollow as it echoed back at me. For a moment I didn’t think there was anyone there. Maybe I had the wrong address or they’d left without me.
“Shut the fuck up,” Summers hissed behind me. “Do you want the whole fucking world to know where we are?”
He beckoned for me to follow him to a back room. A few mismatched chairs and two old wooden tables were set up in an otherwise empty room with computers and all kinds of gadgets. Savage looked up and lifted his chin in greeting, an amused expression on his face.
“You made it to our secret headquarters,” he said with a grin.
Why couldn’t Eva have fallen for Savage instead of Summers? I liked him a hell of a lot better than my testy as fuck soon to be brother in law.
Summers and Savage quickly filled me in about the plan and I listened intently, nodding to show that I understood.
“Does Jade know you’re coming with us?” Summers caught me completely off guard with his question.
I shook my head. “No. If you didn’t tell her, she knows nothing.”
“Good—I want to keep it that way. No point in putting her under more stress.”
An asshole. That’s what he made me feel like. I wanted to make some smart, cocky remark, but decided against it. There was already an overload of testosterone going on, and I didn’t need to add fuel to the flames. All it needed was one stray spark to ignite into a roaring fire.
Half an hour later, we were on our way. I’d promised to stay on the sidelines and observe only, and it was going to be hard as fuck to stick to my word because once I came eye to eye with the motherfucker who took out the contract on my brother, I’d want to fucking rip him apart with my bare hands. I’d never make it in the force, having to follow protocol and stay level-headed when confronting a person who’d stolen another’s life because I’d go batshit crazy and wipe the fuckers out on sight.
Cobra was still in a coma, and the big man was withering away before my eyes. It was torture watching him and not being able to do anything about it, so I at least felt I was doing something by being there.
25 — Jade
“You okay?” Eva’s voice startled me. I’d been staring out of the bedroom window at the beautiful garden, my thoughts a million miles away.
I turned to her and gave her a weak smile. “I’m fine.” The babies had been super active during the night and although I couldn’t really sleep, my body was doing okay. My heart and mind however were a different matter altogether.
She set down a tray with two cups of herbal tea and a spread of muffins on the small table next to me by the window. Sunlight was pouring in although thick dark clouds sat pregnant in the sky.
“Hope you don’t mind, but Harrison left at the crack of dawn on a special mission and I hate having breakfast alone.”
I tilted my head to the side and studied her for a moment. She appeared perfectly calm and had a healthy glow about her.
“How do you do it, Eva?” I blurted out, envious that she appeared so together.
“Do what?”
“Handle it when you know Harrison is out on a mission. He’s never been one to skirt his responsibilities or to avoid danger. Aren’t you worried something bad will happen to him?”
If she was surprised by my question, she didn’t show it.
“To be totally blunt, I do worry. But I push the nagging thoughts away and don’t allow myself to dwell on them because it’s not going to do me or the baby any good.” She drew in a breath. “I’ve come to realize that Harrison knows what he’s doing and that he’s survived many missions, so I simply have to trust that it will all work out every time he leaves.” Her lips twisted into a strained smile. “I have to believe he’ll come back to me at the end of it, alive and well. I’d go crazy if I didn’t.”
I let out a sigh. “I appreciate your honesty. At least I don’t feel as if I’m being unreasonable about worrying, because I can’t stop myself. Even though Ryder tries to reassure me that he’ll be safe, I don’t buy it. I’ve got a feeling he’s hiding something from me because he doesn’t want me to be concerned, but it has totally the opposite effect.” I clutched my throat and took a deep breath to slow my heartbeat. “So many things have gone wrong in the past and some things are totally out of our control.”
“Exactly.” Eva took a sip of her tea. “You just answered your own question, Jade.”
I raised an eyebrow, not understanding what she meant.
“Those things that are out of your control—there’s no point in worrying about them.” Her face was kind and patient, and her tone soothing.
I sat back in my chair as I mulled over her words.
Her eyes softened. “It’s not easy, but since you have no say in how some things turn out, you just have to go with the flow of life. The trick is to concern yourself only with those things you can affect or change. The rest is not up to you and you have to accept that.”
Of course. Eva was a psychologist and she’d studied human behavior, but it still was easier said than done.
“It’s my dread of losing Ryder that drives me crazy. Both you and Mia seem to have a special ability to deal with it that I don’t have. I hate that fear is driving me away from Ryder when all he wants is for me to be by his side. I feel as if I’m letting him down and no offence, but I loathe being away from him. I miss him so much my whole body aches.”
Eva smiled. “No offence taken. I understand how it feels to not be with the man you love.” She took another sip of tea and set her cup down before speaking again. “Ryder calls twice a day to find out how you are. He’s really worried about you too, Jade. Don’t you think you should at least talk to him?”
Guilt rode me. I never intended to add to Ryder’s worries. He had more than enough on his plate already.
“If I talk to him, I’ll crumble. I’m not moving back to the compound.”
Eva raised an eyebrow, her lips pressed together.
“Hmmm . . . just as stubborn as your brother. Look, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you like. I enjoy having you here.”
“Even though Harrison won’t let us go out or go shopping without him?” My brother had been adamant that we both stay at the house and had arranged for one of his men to drive by regularly to check on us.
Eva chuckled. “He’s so protective of us, but I think it’s charming.”
A great idea popped into my head. “Well it doesn’t stop us from shopping online. I’ve outgrown most of my clothes and I really need something to wear during the last few months. I look and feel like a whale.”
Eva placed a hand on my arm. “You’re gorgeous, babe. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When I came into the room this morning and saw you sitting there so deeply in thought and rubbing your belly, I couldn’t help thinking how beautiful you looked.”
I laughed. “Thank you. Funny I was thinking the same about you. Well, you’re better for me than a mirror. It seems as if my tummy is getting bigger every day now I’m in the third trimester.”
“That’s totally natural. The babies are all formed, so all they need to do is grow until they’re ready to come into our world. It’s so exciting. I lay awake at night wondering what my and Harrison’s child will look like. It’s silly, but I’m hoping for a boy who looks just like his handsome daddy.”
“As long as he doesn’t have his father’s moody temperament!” I loved my brother, but he could be an asshole if given the chance.
Eva laughed. “Do you think you’ll have more kids after the twins?”
Eva bit into her second muffin. How did she remain so small with such a voracious appetite? It wasn’t fair. I just looked at carbs and my ass grew wider.
As we finished our breakfast, Eva cleared the table and stacked the dirty dished back onto the tray. “After your shower come down to my study and we’ll do some online shopping,” she said with a playful wink as she left.
The other thing about being away from Ryder was taking care of my voracious libido. Luckily I’d packed my vibrator because I definitely needed a workout with BOB before getting clean. I found the pleasure giving toy at the bottom of my bag and smiled as I took off my clothes and lay back on the bed.
Closing my eyes, I could imagine Ryder right there with me. His face inches from mine, his lips and tongue exploring my body. I pinched a nipple between my thumb and index finger, rolling it until it became hard and then stretching it enough so I’d feel a jolt of pleasure sweep through me. But it wasn’t the same as when Ryder did it.
Determined not to be put off, I found the tub of coconut oil I kept in the bathroom and massaged it into my breasts and stomach, and then finally between my legs all while conjuring up memories of the dirty words Ryder usually spoke to me.
I miss him. So fucking much.
With one hand I kept stimulating my breasts while finger fucking myself, but I needed more. So much more. I grabbed one end of the hot pink vibrator and turned it on, letting it dance over my clit. I gasped as the pulse quickened and sent shockwaves through my body. It wasn’t long until I was moaning softly, bucking my hips as I imagined Ryder driving into me over and over while manipulating the throbbing stick to hit the right spots inside me.
An intense orgasm hit my core and spasms ripped through me. Although it sated my immediate needs, it couldn’t compare to the real thing. Ryder inside me, grunting and groaning as he too reached his climax, staring into my eyes and my soul, the warmth of his touch and his breath as he uttered dirty commands and sweet words of love.