by CL Collier
First of all, Aunt Polly and Uncle Jim never came back into my life. I have no idea if they’re still alive or not. They would be about eighty years old now, and their three kids would be in their fifties. Lorraine would actually be in her late forties. Anyway, if you want to look them up, their last name is Brown. I have no idea if any of them still live in Kernville or not.
Secondly, Michelle and I kept in touch off and on throughout the years, but we lost touch with each other shortly after you were born. As far as I know, she still lives in Kernville. She married the son of the town’s sheriff, and he was following in his dad’s footsteps. Their last name is Carter.
Finally, I believe John is still in Kernville, too. The last I heard from Michelle, he had married Susan, and they had kids. John’s last name is Young.
I’m telling you this in case you want to find out more about your roots and my life. Kernville has always held a special place in my heart, and I wish I had gone back. It’s one regret I have in life. Another regret I have is not telling you all this in person, as well as never taking you to Kernville myself. You should visit someday. It may be a small town, but you won’t be disappointed. My parents are buried in the cemetery there. I don’t want to pressure you into going, but it would mean the world to me if you could go there someday and spread some of my ashes by my parents’ graves. Let them know I loved them, and I apologize for abandoning our hometown.
I look at my mom’s urn on my mantle. It’s a beautiful pewter urn with her name, date of birth, date of death, and a rose engraved on it. She never told me exactly what she wanted me to do with her ashes. When I had asked her before she passed, her exact words were, “Oh, you decide, honey. You know my favorite places. Or you can keep me with you. Whatever you feel comfortable doing is fine with me.”
But now she’s asking me to take part of her to Kernville. How can I not do this for her?
I look back at the journal on my lap and turn the page. The next page is very different. It’s not written as a story anymore. Instead, it’s full of inspirational quotes.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
- Joseph Campbell
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.”
-Helen Keller
I keep flipping and find several more pages filled with quotes. I want to read them all, but I also want to know if my mom included anything else personal in this book, so I continue flipping through until I get to the next page without quotes written on it. This page has a letter written to me on it:
Dear Amanda,
Now that you know my real-life story, and I’ve inundated you with pages of
inspirational quotes, I want to give you some personal advice. I want you to know I’m proud of you, and you are an amazing teacher. Your students are lucky to have you! I see a lot of myself in you; not only do we look a lot alike (remember how many times people thought we were sisters, not mother and daughter?), but you also give so much to your students and your career. That’s why I want to give you the following advice:
Make time for yourself. Be happy. Make sure that your wants and needs are fulfilled. I know you’re happy, but I also don’t want you to miss out on anything in life. Date. Have relationships. Maybe even get married. I know you never saw yourself having any kids, but I have to tell you that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t imagine my life without you.
I love you, and I want you to be happy. That is all.
Love,
Mom
I wipe the tears from my eyes and close the book.
Chapter Four
Amanda
I spend the rest of the day reading the journal. I read all the inspirational quotes, then I found memories of my childhood she wanted me to remember. It brought back so many good memories, though my eyes barely stayed dry the whole time I read. It’s after eight p.m. when I finish the book. I realize I haven’t eaten since lunch, and now, I’m starving. I put the book down on the coffee table and go into the kitchen to heat a frozen meal to eat.
After heating my dinner up in the microwave and pouring a glass of wine, I head back into the living room to eat. Once again, I sit in my mom’s old chair. I eat in silence, looking at the book sitting on my coffee table in front of me. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed by all this information. It’s so much to process.
I contemplate all the things my mom shared with me. Marla was right. I read things that upset me a bit, and it changed my perception of her, as well as my own life. I now know about relatives I never knew existed. I’m definitely not mad at my mom, though. I’m upset she didn’t tell me these things before and that she kept so many secrets, but I think I understand why. I can’t be mad at her for being ashamed or embarrassed.
Of course, now I’m thinking about my own life and her advice. She wants some of her ashes spread at her parents’ gravesite, and it’s my responsibility to do that for her. I’ve never been to Kernville before. In fact, I don’t even know exactly where it is, except that it’s east of Bakersfield. I can do this. I have six weeks before I return to work, so I guess I have a road trip to plan.
After I finish cleaning up from dinner, I pour another glass of wine and decide to check my phone. I haven’t looked at it all day, and I’m not surprised to find texts from both Krista and Laura asking how I’m doing today. We text each other regularly, so they’re probably wondering why I haven’t responded. Instead of replying to each of their individual texts, I decide to text them in our group text we occasionally use.
Me: Hey, sorry I’m so late in replying to you both. I just finished reading a book my mom wrote for me.
Just as I expect, it doesn’t take either of them long to respond.
Laura: Your mom wrote you a book?
Krista: What book?
Me: I met Marla for lunch. She gave me a journal my mom wrote for me full of inspirational quotes, advice, and a history lesson telling me some secrets about her life.
Laura: Secrets???
Krista: What kind of secrets?
Me: I’d rather explain it in person. Too much to type. Lunch tomorrow?
Krista: I have to work tomorrow, but if you can come to the restaurant, I’ll be able to chat.
Laura: I might have to bring Evan with me unless I can find a friend’s house he can go to. Erik is teaching summer school.
We agree to meet at noon, then say good night, ending our texts. I pick up the book again and thumb through the pages, stopping to reread everything that happened after her parents died. I just can’t believe she kept all this a secret for all these years. Closing it, I get back on my phone to look up Kernville, California, because I have plans to make.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about making this trip because I’ve never been there before. I’ve never met anyone on my mom’s side of the family, so if I find any of her relatives, I wonder if they will welcome me. My mom never told me about them, and based on what she wrote in her journal, they were estranged. What if I go all that way to meet them, and they want nothing to do with me? Do I want to risk that kind of rejection, or should I just stay blissfully ignorant about my mom’s side of the family and not try to look them up? I’ve lived the past thirty-eight years of my life just fine without knowing any family on my mom’s side. I suppose if they do turn me away, it’s no real loss on my part. I’ll just have to deal with the knowledge that my mom’s family rejected me.
However, I have to remind myself that the real reason for this trip isn’t for a family reunion. This is to grant my mom’s wish to spread some of her ashes at her parents’ gravesite. I have to do this for her. Finding and meeting her relatives will be secondary. The thought of finally seeing where my mom grew up and where my grandparents are buried suddenly has me feeling anxious to leave. I hope I can convince my friends to travel with me because I don’t know if I can handle taking this emotional journey
all on my own.
Chapter Five
Amanda
Just before noon, I pull into the parking lot at the restaurant owned by Krista’s family. I don’t see Laura’s car anywhere, but the parking lot is full for the lunchtime rush. I’ve been to the Green River Grill so many times in my life that I never feel like a customer here. Krista and her family always give me the family treatment, which means they’ll wait on me, but I also have permission to go in the back and help myself. Krista’s family has owned the place since before she was born. After we became friends at thirteen, I probably spent just as much time hanging out here with her as I did at her house.
With my mom’s journal in my hand and my purse on my shoulder, I walk into the restaurant and see Krista right away. She’s behind the hostess counter talking to a teenage girl, who I presume is the new hostess she told me they just hired. They both look up at me as I walk in and smile.
“Hey, girl,” Krista says to me, walking around the counter to give me a hug.
“Hey, yourself,” I reply as I hug her back.
When she pulls away from me, she says, “Go ahead and sit wherever you want.
Laura’s not here yet, but I’m sure she’ll be here soon. I need to finish telling Kaitlyn a few more things, but I’ll come join you soon.”
“Okay. Sounds good,” I reply. Heading into the dining room, I search for an empty booth. It’s crowded, but a booth in the back of the room is open, so I sit there. As soon as I settle in, Krista’s sister, Heather, walks up to my table.
“Howdy, stranger,” she says as she lays a few rolled-up napkins with utensils tucked inside on the table. She and Krista both manage and wait tables. When their parents finally retire, they will take over the restaurant together. Heather is three years younger than Krista and I are. I fondly remember how she always tried to hang around us when we were younger. Sometimes we’d let her, but sometimes we didn’t.
“Hi, Heather,” I say to her. “How are you doing?”
“Eh, you know. Nothing new. How are you doing?”
“I’m doing okay.”
“Can I get you a drink?”
“Just a water for now.”
“Sounds good. I’ll be right back with that.”
Heather walks off, and I hear the chime of the front door opening. Laura walks in, and luckily, she’s alone. She must have found a friend for Evan to hang out with.
Don’t get me wrong. Her son is a great kid, but I was hoping I’d get a chance to talk to my best friends without an eight-year-old around. I want them to know what I’ve learned about my mom, and I also want to ask them to go to Kernville with me.
I see Krista greeting her, then she points her in my direction. When they both look over at me, I wave. Laura waves back and starts walking over.
“Sorry I’m late,” she says, sitting across from me. “I had to drop Evan off at his friend’s house, and it took longer than I expected.”
“No worries. I just got here a couple of minutes ago. Krista is still busy anyway.”
“I can’t wait to hear what you learned about your mom! It must be good if you had to wait and tell us in person.”
I nod my head. “You could say that.”
Heather returns to the table with three glasses of water. “Hey, Laura. Krista told me the three of you would be chatting, so I brought waters for all of you. Do you want something else, though?”
“No, this is perfect. Thanks, Heather,” Laura replies.
Krista approaches our table then and places her hand on her sister’s shoulder. “Are you going to be okay if I take a break?”
Heather looks at her sister and says, “Of course! Kaitlyn’s handling the hostess duties, and Marcie is waitressing, too. I’m good. Just don’t take too long.” She smirks at her sister to let her know she’s joking, then walks off to wait on another table.
Krista slides into the booth next to Laura and sighs. “It’s been a busy morning. I’ve been training Kaitlyn as well as trying to do some inventory and orders. I need this break.”
“Well, I’m glad you were both able to meet today. I couldn’t text everything I wanted to tell you,” I say to them. They both look at me like they can’t wait to hear what I have to say.
“We’re always here for you,” Laura says, and Krista nods in agreement.
“Yeah, tell us the interesting news your mom wrote to you,” Krista says as she picks up her glass to take a sip of water.
I’m fortunate to have these two friends in front of me. They’ve been so supportive over the past year; I feel like all they’ve been doing lately is supporting me, being my rock to lean on. Not everyone has friends like Krista and Laura, and I’m grateful to have them in my life.
I take a deep breath and show them the journal. “My mom filled this book for me. It’s amazing, and I had no idea she was writing it. Marla really surprised me yesterday.”
“That’s awesome,” Krista says. “Your mom was always so thoughtful.”
I smile. “I know, she was. And this book is her way of being here for me and imposing her thoughtfulness and wisdom on me. But it’s also unleashed some secrets she had, and that’s what I wanted to tell you both.”
Krista and Laura both lean in a little closer, and I start telling them everything my mom wrote to me about her life after her parents died. I can tell by the looks on their faces that they’re just as surprised by what I’m saying as I was when I read it. They have both known my mom for years, and hearing that she got pregnant at eighteen, then moved to Vegas and became an alcoholic is shocking. I’m still trying to digest it all myself.
Heather walks up to us again just as I finish telling them everything. “Are you ladies ready to order?”
All three of us look up at her, and the expressions on my friends’ faces take Heather by surprise.
“Whoa, is everything okay?” she asks, suddenly looking concerned.
Krista looks back at me and shakes her head. “Yeah, we’re fine,” she says as she looks back at her sister. “I’ll have a French dip with fries.”
Laura and I both agree that sounds good and order the same, then Heather walks off again.
“So,” I continue, ready to pop the big question, “I’m going to be taking a road trip to Kernville. Who wants to go with me?”
The two of them look at me, clearly surprised again. I’m nervous they won’t be able to go, and I’ll have to take this journey on my own.
“When are you going?” Laura asks.
“I haven’t really planned anything yet, but I’d like to leave as soon as possible. I Googled Kernville, and they have a hotel with vacancies for the next several weeks.”
“I’d love to go, but I need to check with Ben first,” Krista replies. “I’d also have to figure things out here at work. I’m sure Heather will be okay with me leaving for a few days as long as I return the favor for her.”
Krista and I turn to look at Laura. She seems nervous, biting her bottom lip and picking at the napkin on the table in front of her. She obviously has something she wants to get off her chest. “Um, I need to tell you guys something,” Laura says hesitantly. She looks down, putting her head in her hands before running them back through her hair and looking back up at us again.
I glance at Krista, who looks back at me. We’re both concerned, and I wonder if my hunch that something is wrong with Laura and Erik is going to be correct. A couple of years ago, she confided that they were having some marital problems. She felt like they were growing apart, and they had stopped having sex. She was worried he was having an affair. Krista and I suggested she convince him to go to marriage counseling, and she did. After that, things seemed to be going well for them. I have a feeling that has changed.
“Well, what is it?” Krista asks her, encouraging her to talk.
Laura smiles at us although it doesn’t look like a genuine smile. “Erik and I have been having problems again.” When her eyes meet ours, her smile fades.
“I’m so sorry,”
I say to her. I place my hand on top of her hands, and she gives me a small smile, letting me know she’s okay.
“What happened?” Krista asks.
“I found out he’s having an affair. He’s been sleeping with this woman who works for one of the community colleges. Her job is to work with high school students who are interested in attending college, and he met her when she visited his school a few months ago.”
I’m speechless. Thankfully, Krista is not. “What the hell?” she says to Laura, raising her voice and throwing her hands in the air. When she puts her hands back down, she crosses her arms over her chest. “Why didn’t you tell us about this sooner?” she asks, pursing her lips and waiting for Laura to reply.
Laura shakes her head, looking down at her hands in her lap. “I don’t know,” she says, quietly.
Finally, after my initial shock wears off, I think of something to say. I’m so mad at Erik right now and sad for my friend. This is huge news, and I wonder how long she has lived with this secret. “When did you find out?”
Laura looks back up at us. “Back in May. I overheard him on the phone one night, and it sounded suspicious. Then I started noticing he was coming home later than usual or going out more ‘with friends’ on the weekends. I had a feeling he was lying to me. I finally overheard another phone conversation that confirmed my suspicions. I got the courage to confront him about it when school got out. He didn’t even deny it. He came clean and told me everything.”
“Wait, you suspected it in May and found out when school got out? School’s been out for a few weeks. Why are we just hearing about this?” Krista scolds. I feel the same way. How could Laura have kept something this serious from us for so long?
Laura rolls her eyes and takes a deep breath. She looks at me and says, “Your mom was so sick at that time, and I didn’t want to trouble you. You had enough stress to deal with.” She shrugs as if I should understand.