by Sable Hunter
“So do I, Jenna.” He tried to reinforce his rejection without coming out and saying the painful lie again.
“Let me get this straight.” She paced back and forth in front of him. So beautiful. So pissed. “You feel nothing for me, but what you’d feel for a sister or a niece. Am I saying it right?”
“Yes. Or a daughter.”
She whirled on him and got right in his face. “Is that it? Is this some crazy age argument?”
“No.” He could see where this was going and he had to head it off at the pass. “I am too old for you, I won’t deny that fact. But that’s not what this is about.”
“If it is, let me remind you…”
He interrupted. “I’m eighteen years older than you. Eighteen years, Jenna.” He repeated himself, his voice straining even as he kept it low.
“I can count, Logan. Yes, I’m eighteen and you are a sexy, very virile thirty-six.”
“And when you’re thirty, I’ll be forty-eight. And when you’re forty, I’ll be fifty-eight. Retirement age.”
“And when I’m a hundred, you’ll be a hundred-eighteen.” She glared at him. “Practically the same fucking number!”
“It doesn’t matter.” He rose to his feet, towering over her small frame. God, he didn’t want to hurt her. But sometimes you have to do what’s best for those you love, even when it was painful. Chief Hodgins had taught him that lesson too. “Age is a part of it, but not the way you think.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, her heart breaking.
As if he was raising a knife to strike her with, Logan aimed before plunging it in. “You’re young, yes. Too young. Inexperienced. You do nothing for me. You’re not woman enough for me, Jenna.”
She backed up as if he’d struck her.
“I see,” Jenna stated with her eyes downcast. All of this time she’d been preparing arguments to plead their case. Their age difference was one she had known would come up. But what he said now was something she’d never considered. “I’ve always wanted you, Logan. My heart has raced anytime you’re near. The fantasies I’ve woven around you should be illegal.”
Jenna whispered all of this and Logan had to strain to listen.
“But I never once considered the possibility that you might not feel the same.” A harsh laugh tore from her throat. “I guess I should have. I mean…who am I?”
“Jenna,” his voice cracked. This wasn’t going well. She was breaking his heart. Maybe he’d gone too far. “Wait.”
“Tell Louisa and Earl that I have to go.” Jenna said the words as if she were having a hard time thinking. She kept backing up slowly. Logan was afraid she’d trip over something and fall down.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
Passing a hand over her eyes as if to wipe away a cloud obscuring her vision, Jenna shook her head. “I don’t know. Does it matter? I’ll think of something.” Finally, she raised her gaze to his. “I’ll get all of my stuff moved out of here as soon as I can. And…” she waved at the truck, “as soon as I get some type of job, I’ll start trying to pay you back for…everything.” The last word almost didn’t make it out. “God, I owe you so much.”
“Stop it!” He raised his voice at her. “That’s enough! You’re going to college, just like we planned. I have everything arranged.”
“Oh no, it won’t ever be enough.” She laughed softly. “You won’t be arranging anything for me.” She looked so stricken. “All of this time, I didn’t mind taking from you because I thought…you belonged to me. God, I’m going to be sick.” Putting a hand to her throat, she fought back nausea.
“You don’t owe me anything.” He made a grab for her, but she evaded him.
“I won’t be bothering you again.” She raised a hand as if to touch him, then dropped it “You’re going to miss me when I’m gone, Logan.” She held his gaze for a few more seconds, then fled to her truck.
Her sad epitaph rang in his ears. She’d never know how right she was. He missed her already and she wasn’t even gone. Behind her, Logan called her name. “Jenna! Stay away from those damn bulls!” But she was faster. Within seconds, she was gunning down the driveway and was soon out of sight.
“Goddammit!” Logan yelled. None of that had gone down like it was supposed to. He’d hurt her and he’d rather have hurt himself a thousand times over.
In the long run, it would probably be for the best, she’d needed this push to get on with the life she deserved.
But he’d never forget the look of devastation on her face as long as he lived.
* * *
Jenna didn’t get drunk, but she should have. She needed to dull the pain almost paralyzing her body. For the last two years, she’d manufactured a fantasy world. A world where she belonged to Logan Gray, body and soul. In her childish imagination, he loved her as much as she worshiped him. But all of that had been a lie woven in her own mind. Looking back, she cringed at the times she’d thrown herself at him, hugging Logan, holding his hand, sitting in his lap. To be close to him had seemed so natural, so necessary.
With a groan, she rolled over in her bed and pulled the pillow over her head.
What was she going to do? If she did as she wanted, she’d slide down into a corner and make herself so small she’d disappear. But she couldn’t do that. She had to go on. She needed to find a job and start paying him back for all he’d spent on her. Logan wasn’t a rich man and she’d probably put a big dent into his savings. She’d been as expensive as a child he’d raised, taking – taking – taking.
Well, no more. When she’d called Dixie in a panic, her friend invited Jenna to stay with her in Austin. She’d gratefully accepted, having nowhere else to go. She hadn’t yet told Dixie the details of what had happened. The only thing she’d managed to get out was that Logan was going to be all right, his injuries had been relatively minor.
Jenna felt as if her world had exploded. What should she do next? Where should she go? Her plan had been to commute to the community college in Fredericksburg to get a degree of some kind. Maybe a teaching degree. But honestly, she’d never expected to use it. Heck, she didn’t even enjoy the thought of going to work or keeping office hours. All she’d ever wanted was to be Mrs. Logan Gray. She’d dreamed of taking care of him, having his children, making a home for their family. Now, she had to pull herself up by her bootstraps and make her own way in the world. Paying him back would be part of it, but she also wanted to show him she could stand on her own two feet.
But...to do that, she first needed to get out of this bed.
Dragging herself up, Jenna moped around for a while, turning on the radio to the local Fredericksburg station KNAF before she went to the bathroom to wash her face. A sad song came on by Leann Rimes, How Do I Live Without You. Jenna hung her head, it was the perfect sound track for how she felt. Taking a deep breath, she kept walking. There were decisions to make, like what was she going to do about Stormy. Briefly it crossed her mind to try to sell her, but that wasn’t possible. Stormy was all she had from her past and Jenna loved her dearly. How she was going to take care of her, Jenna didn’t know.
One thing she could do was return the pickup to Logan. Maybe he could sell it and get some of his money back. She could use a small amount of her father’s insurance money to purchase a used vehicle, something older and more reasonable to drive.
“Hey, Jenna.” Dixie tapped on her door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” There was no use hiding. Her friend would know something was wrong, she knew her too well.
Dixie opened the door and came padding in, dressed in an oversize sleep shirt, her blonde hair sticking up and out every which way. “I got in too late last night to wake you up.” Covering her mouth, she yawned, then took a good look at Jenna. “You look like crap!” she exclaimed. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Everything.” She leaned against the wall and stared at her pretty friend. “Logan told me he’s not interested in me as a woman. He says I’m not…enough.” Anger
and pain brought tears to her eyes.
Taking Jenna in her arms, Dixie patted her hair. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Don’t cry, he’s not worth it.”
“Yes he is,” she cried even harder. “He’s totally worth it. I’m the problem.”
Dixie pulled her to the bed. “I’ve watched you put this guy on a pedestal from the moment we met. It’s time you let this infatuation go and find someone who’ll appreciate you. Not taking anything away from Logan, he was there when you needed him, but you need to make a life for yourself.”
“That’s what he said,” she hiccupped a sob. “I held onto my virginity as if it was some prize possession I could present to Logan like a gift. But it was a gift he didn’t want. Maybe that’s what I need to do, get laid so I can become an experienced worldly woman.”
“Don’t say that, you are not sleeping with a guy just to get your first time out of the way.” Dixie sat down on the bed beside her. “So, get that stupid idea out of your pretty little head.”
“I don’t know what to do.” Jenna stood and went in to the bathroom to brush her teeth.
Dixie followed her, sitting on the closed toilet seat. “Simple. You need to start dating.”
“But who?” She let her mind run back over the mental list of guys who’d asked her out in the last year. The number wasn’t that high. Once she’d turned down five or six, word got around and the invitations had stopped coming. Everyone knew she considered herself ‘taken’. How wrong she was. “And I’m not sure I even want to. I love him, Dixie.”
“I know you do.” She’d seen how Jenna looked at Logan. She’d also seen how Logan looked at Jenna when he thought no one was aware. “Hmmmm,” she murmured to herself. Maybe all he needed was a push.
Applying a little make-up, Jenna tried to make the dark circles under her eyes disappear. When she was through, she made a face at herself. “I need an idea.”
And then they heard it.
The deejay on the radio was announcing a special night at Luckenbach. “Listen up, ladies. Have we got a proposition for you! Ladies night. Half-price drinks and a bachelorette auction. Want to find yourself a perfect date? Well put your red dress on, wear your hi-heel sneakers or your cowboy boots and come out to raise money for charity. Don’t be shy. The first fifteen women who show up at the saloon and meet our – uh – criteria, will be signed up for an evening you’ll never forget!”
“That’s it, Jenna. Let’s do it!” She got a wild look in her eye that scared Jenna a little bit. “Go out and have a good time, kick up our heels and shake our booty.” Dixie got up and did a little dance number in the middle of the bathroom.
Jenna laughed a bit, knowing her friend was doing her best to cheer her up. “What kind of criteria do you think he means?”
Dixie waved her hand. “I don’t know, cup size maybe,” she laughed. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we qualify.” Her mind was spinning. This was just what the situation called for. “We need to get down there and sign up.” After they were selected, she’d start spreading the word – right where one particular Fire Chief would find out that his little charge was spreading her wings to learn how to fly.
“Well, if you say so.” Maybe if she dressed up, had her hair done and practiced some dance moves she would feel better. “What about our age? We’re not even old enough to drink. Won’t they card us?”
“Not a problem.” Dixie walked to the dresser and opened a jewelry box. “I have my handy-dandy fake ID and I can get you one in no time. I know just the guy.”
Putting on a brave front, she smiled. “All right. I trust you. Let’s do it.”
* * *
“I don’t understand. What happened?” Louisa stood at the door to Jenna’s room. As requested, Louisa had packed up her things. “I knew she’d go off to school, but this doesn’t seem the same.”
“She’ll come around.” Logan promised, not certain he could deliver. “We just had a little misunderstanding.”
“Is she in love with you?”
Louisa’s bold question as she taped up a box took Logan by complete surprise. “She thinks she is,” he answered lowly.
“Are you in love with her?”
Logan choked on the lie. “No, of course not. I love her, like you do. Anything more would be wrong.” He stacked the boxes by the door.
When his mother didn’t reply, Logan glanced over his shoulder to meet her gaze. She was watching him steadily. “Don’t let what you fear others might say about you and Jenna ruin your life. She’s levelheaded, smart and knows her own mind. Any man would be lucky to have her.”
Instead of making him feel better, his mother’s words caused Logan’s chest to tighten with what almost felt like grief. He didn’t want to feel false hope. She had no idea of the tight rope he was walking. If he had any inkling, any hope, that Jenna could ultimately be happy tied to him – he would beat down any barrier to be with her. “It’s not a good idea, Mom,” was all he allowed himself to say. Reaching in his back pocket, he took out some papers. “Tape this to the top. It’s the paperwork for the loan so she can start school. Make sure you tell her that everything’s been taken care of. Where she lives won’t make a bit of difference. I’ll still make sure she has what she needs.”
Louisa Gray crossed her arms and surveyed her son. “What if you are what she needs?”
“Don’t tempt me.” Logan slammed out of the bedroom. How could he do the right thing when everyone he cared about was pushing him to do what he knew to be wrong?
* * *
Jenna studied the fake driver’s license and compared it to her own. “I guess it looks real enough.”
Dixie took Jenna’s blouse and pulled the elasticized neckline down over her shoulders. Jenna’s eyes widened. “There, now he won’t notice the photo,” Dixie said with a smile.
After they’d finished dressing, the girls climbed into Dixie’s Jeep and headed to Luckenbach. The small community was about an hour’s drive west of Austin, very near the Gray Wolf Ranch. It would seem odd being so close to home, yet not stopping by for a visit. Louisa and Earl had called her several times. She’d talked to them, but she hadn’t been honest about all that had happened. She wasn’t sure what Logan had told them. Hopefully, no one else knew her painful secret but Dixie.
When they passed the turnoff to Gray Wolf, Jenna closed her eyes as if the sight was painful. Dixie saw her reaction and tried to get her out of the funk she was in. “So, have you been to the saloon at Luckenbach before?”
Jenna rolled her eyes. “Are you kidding? Even if I had been legal, Logan wouldn’t have let me near a place like that at night. I’ve been there during the day to buy him a hat for his birthday at Tony Wilson’s Snail Creek hat shop.”
“Logan kept a tight rein on you, didn’t he?” Dixie muttered under her breath. Logan might not admit it, but it was evident to Dixie that he’d wanted to keep Jenna all to himself.
“I know about the place, though. Earl has several stories about the famous stars who’ve performed on the grounds. Everybody from Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings to Jerry Jeff Walker. He says Luckenbach is a Texas state of mind. The little town’s slogan is ‘everybody is somebody in Luckenbach’.” Jenna paused as if to think. “I guess that means me too.” She grinned at Dixie. “I can be somebody in Luckenbach.” Whether or not she could be somebody Logan wanted was another question.
“You’re already somebody. Somebody perfect.” Dixie just shook her head at her friend’s odd mood. They turned down the narrow road and pulled under the shade trees in front of the rustic buildings. The tiny wood plank Post Office and the Snail Creek Hat Company with its flock of straw hats perched on outside display racks were open and doing business, as was the small restaurant whose apron clad waitresses were presently serving a band of bikers baskets of hamburgers and fries on picnic tables sitting beneath the branches of twisted oak trees. Behind these businesses, the historic Dance Hall stood. They parked near the split rail fence and headed to the back. It was early so no
one was there but the manager and a few workers who asked them several questions and let them sign an agreement on the dotted line. Dixie was right, the men never questioned the fake ID’s.
“Step over there and pose for us. We want to advertise the girls who’ll be in the auction. That night we’ll need you to walk across the top of the tables, dance a little and shake whatever God gave you.” The bearded bartender’s long hair was caught back and tied with a bandanna. He wore sunglasses even in the darkened interior.
Over the older man’s head, Jenna widened her eyes at Dixie as if to ask what the heck they’d gotten themselves into. Dixie wasn’t any help. She pulled Jenna over to where they had the camera set up and while some music played they giggled and vamped until the photographer was satisfied he had a few shots that could be used for marketing.
The bartender checked out the photos, letting the girls see. “You two will bring a pretty penny to our Hill Country Rescue fund.” He gave them a lascivious wink and a grin which displayed two gold teeth.
Jenna kept a smile on her face, but she really only felt sad and a little guilty. Her motives weren’t as pure as raising money for charity. She was using this opportunity to jumpstart her move into a world that didn’t include Logan Gray, a world she wasn’t even sure she could exist in.
“What if someone recognizes us?” She whispered to Dixie as they returned to the Jeep. “Won’t we get into trouble?”
Dixie waved her hand. “In the photos I saw, our faces weren’t really clear. Someone would have to know you well, to recognize you. Stop worrying, it won’t happen.”
“Okay,” Jenna sighed. Compared to the other worries in life – like what was next, where would she go – how would she live without Logan – this was minor. They retraced their route out of Luckenbach and hit the main road which would take them through Stonewall on the way back to Austin. Jenna wanted to cry as they passed the familiar peach orchards, the beautiful vineyards and the wildflower farm where she’d worked off and on. “Pull in, Dixie. I want to stop just for a second or two.” Dixie slowed down, checked the traffic and made a U-turn, pulling into the eclectic shop which showcased flowers, pottery, wildflower seeds, and home decorations – many of the items Jenna had specifically chosen and set up as displays to tempt customers.