“Leave it alone, Noah,” I quietly beg. I force myself to glance away from him. There’s a chance I could blurt everything out if I let those eyes get to me. “I’m fine. Doing something new and spontaneous doesn’t mean I’m a mess or that I’m crazy.” Except in my case, it means exactly that.
He stares at me for a long time and I know he doesn’t believe me. “You’re staying with me,” he eventually says.
I pull my hand from his. “What? No, I’m not.” That would be a bad idea. The worst idea. Yes, I came down here to hopefully get back together, but staying with him wasn’t part of that. I can’t do it, even if part of me is begging myself to accept his offer.
“Only until you figure out what you’re doing. There’s no sense in you staying in a hotel room when I have a home that would be more comfortable. It’ll let us catch up, too. It’s been years, Mere. Let me do this for you. Please.” His eyes are so desperate. I’ve never seen him look like he’s grasping for something to hold onto before he falls. He reaches for my hand, but I cross my arms and tuck them safely away, ignoring the hurt all over his face as his hand slowly retreats.
“No,” I answer firmly.
There’s no way I can stay with him. It has been a long time, but it feels as if none has passed at all, which can be dangerous for me. On top of everything else I’m dealing with, I can’t torture myself by staying with Noah unless I know whether or not there’s a possibility for us to be together again.
“Let me drive you to a hotel, then?”
He wants to help, and that’s the easiest way to allow him to. I nod. “Okay.”
Noah grins, seemingly happy as if he got his way. He didn’t, though, which means he gave up way too easily. Or maybe he was offering just to be nice and is happy I declined. I still don’t know anything about his life or how he feels about me now, so it could be possible.
“Tell me about you.”
He tilts his head back to lean against the seat. I’m not sure what it means that he’s not looking at me as he speaks. “Well, I love playing as a pro. It’s been a bit frustrating at times, but I wouldn’t trade it. My teammates are great, too. Maybe you can meet one or two of them while you’re here.”
“I’d like that. What about your family?”
“You already know Ashley had a baby. She’s been married to Oliver for about a year now. She met him in college and he proposed the day after they graduated. Mom and Dad are doing well, too. Dad spends his time on the golf course while Mom makes quilts and does whatever it is she does with her friends. Not much has changed with them. I would ask about your family, but I already know. And since you don’t want to talk about you, I’m not sure if I should ask how you’ve been.”
He does know how they are because according to my parents, he talks to them almost as often as he talks to his own parents. He’s right, too. I don’t want him to ask how I’ve been because if I start talking, I might become a crazy, blubbering mess. “Tell me what you know about my life instead.” Then, I’ll find out how much he knows about Vance. How much he knows about my disastrous life. I’m not sure what he talks about with my parents or how much information my mom provides about me.
“I know you’ve hated dealing with your injury, you’re worried you’ll be forced to leave the game early, and you don’t talk about it if you can help it. From what I hear, you also refuse to talk about your engagement and why it ended. Your parents are worried about you, too. That’s all I know, Mere. You mom only gives me brief updates. She knows I want to know how you’re doing, but she doesn’t want to say too much either, out of respect to you.” He pauses as a flight attendant checks on us and then focuses his attention on me again. “Am I crazy for hoping you’ll talk to me about those things?”
“Yes.” I don’t want to, not yet. Just like I want to find out if he has a girlfriend, but I’m too scared to ask right now.
Noah nods, not looking surprised at all. He leans his head against the seat again, facing forward. “I’ve missed you, Meredith.” Four quietly spoken words that echo loudly in my heart as if he just shouted them.
I glance away, deciding the cloud-filled sky is a more preferable view than this handsome man next to me. “I’ve missed you, too,” I whisper. More than he could ever imagine.
We don’t talk for the remainder of our flight. Once we land, Noah leads the way toward the parking garage and his vehicle since neither of us have any baggage to claim. It’s comforting to see his ride is simply a newer model of the SUV he had in college. However, being in his car feels more intimate than being on the plane did. Between that and our silence, I’m starting to get nervous.
“How are you going to get around?” Noah finally speaks. “Are you going to rent a car?”
“Oh, yeah, probably.” This is why I plan things. I totally forgot about needing a way to get to wherever I need to go.
“I have an extra vehicle. Do you want to borrow it?”
“No, but thank you for offering.”
“It’ll cost a fortune to rent a car if you’re here for a while,” he points out.
“Then I’ll buy another car. Money isn’t an issue.”
“Why don’t you want to borrow it? Give me a good reason.”
Ignoring his question, I ask, “Which hotel are you taking me to?”
“I’m not. I’m taking you to my apartment. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, but at least take my car. I can’t drop you off at a hotel without making sure you can leave the place. Let me do that much for you.”
“Fine.” There’s no point in arguing with him, and I’m curious about his other vehicle and his apartment. This is only his second season here in North Carolina. I wonder if he has a roommate. Or if his roommate is a girlfriend. What does his apartment look like? What does his bedroom look like? The last time I was in his bed was in his dorm in college. A lot has changed since then.
Fifteen minutes later, Noah is pulling into a parking garage on the outskirts of Raleigh. Noah grabs both of our bags, but I’m not sure why if I’m only going to come right back down here to get his car and go to a hotel.
“Do you want to stay long enough for dinner?” he asks as we ride the elevator up to his floor.
“I don’t know yet.” This entire day has worn me out. A nap sounds perfect right about now.
We come to a stop in front of his door. He sticks a key in, unlocks it, and pushes it open. Noah stands aside for me to walk in first. I abruptly stop when I see a woman in lingerie. She was perched on the couch, but she’s now sitting up ramrod straight with her arms crossed over her chest. My heart goes haywire.
“Shit,” Noah mutters from behind me.
The woman scowls at me with such hatred. She has to be his girlfriend. No doubt it looks bad that he’s bringing me here and I have a bag with me. My heart cracks straight down the middle and falls apart. Noah’s taken. Even last-minute plans can’t work in my favor.
“What is she doing here, Noah?” she asks, the contempt and accusation dominating her tone. Does she know who I am? Or is she just pissed that he’s here with another woman? “I thought you were going home to visit your sister. You didn’t say anything about bringing Meredith here.” She spits my name.
So, I guess she does know who I am.
I can’t stand to be here any longer. That causes me to do the one thing that I seem to consistently do well: walk away. “I’m sorry,” I blurt out. I knew coming was a bad idea. “I’m just leaving.” I snatch my bag from Noah and shove past him.
“Meredith, wait!”
I don’t.
I can’t.
What was Noah thinking, bringing me here? Why couldn’t I have found the courage to ask if he had a girlfriend? I could’ve used that as the reason why he should drop me off at a hotel. Hell, I wouldn’t have left the airport because I would’ve caught the first flight back!
I press the button for the elevator repeatedly. “Hurry up,” I mutter under my breath.
“I didn’t know she
would be here,” Noah says. He takes me by the shoulders and turns me around to face him. “I’m sorry.” He sets the keys to his car in my hand, but I try to give them back. No way in hell can I see him again. “Please, Mere. Take them.” The elevators open, so I step inside. Unfortunately, Noah follows. “Take my car; it’s parked next to the one I was driving today. There’s a GPS in the console and it can take you to the nearest hotel. I’m sorry about Erica. She knows where the spare key is and thinks she can come over whenever she wants,” he finishes with a grumble.
The doors open with a ding. I step out with his stupid car keys in my hand. Noah doesn’t follow, so I turn to face him.
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Noah. You might want to explain things to your girlfriend, though.”
With that, I turn to leave. This was a huge mistake. I was crazy to think I could step back into Noah’s life like nothing had ever happened. Hell, I was probably stupid for thinking I could piece my life together as if time stood still where the person I love hadn’t moved on.
Tomorrow, I’ll return his car and catch the first flight back home.
Raleigh is the last place I need to be.
Frustrated beyond belief, I slam the door behind me when I reach my apartment. “What are you doing here, Erica?”
“I came to surprise my boyfriend,” she snaps.
“Just because you know where the spare key is doesn’t mean you can show up without fucking telling me!”
“Not even to surprise you?”
“No!”
Erica stands and pokes me hard in the chest. “You’re only upset because Meredith is here. What the hell, Noah?”
Yes, that is part of it, but not all of it. There’s probably a point in all relationships when this wouldn’t be a big deal on its own, but we’re not there yet. Hell, I’ve spent half the summer wondering if I want to break up with her or not. We’re not good together. She’s amazing in bed, but in all other aspects? We’re too busy arguing about everything. She’s controlling, and she thinks I’m unable to let someone in because of what happened with Meredith. The hell with that. I’m sick of this shit. In fact, after talking to my sister yesterday, I decided I would break things off with her once I came home.
“I ran into her at the airport. She’s here for a while and I offered to let her borrow the car,” I explain.
“The car you wouldn’t even let me borrow when my car was in the shop for a week?” she shrieks.
I sigh. Erica is a terrible driver. Her car was in the shop because she wrecked it for the third time in four years. So, forgive me for being hesitant. “Look, I’m tired of arguing with you. It’s been a long day. Can you go?”
Her jaw drops. “You’re unbelievable. We are not done discussing this.”
“Yeah, we are.”
“Why is Meredith here?” she asks again. Damn, she’s so hardheaded.
“I don’t fucking know! I honestly have no clue what’s going on with her. I’m not getting into this with you right now either. Go the hell home, Erica.”
“If I leave, it’s over.” She levels her gaze at me.
Without any hesitation, I turn and open the door for her. She huffs, snatches her clothes, and hurriedly puts them back on. She’s mumbling under her breath, but stops when I speak.
“This is over, Erica. Not because of Meredith, but because we’re not good together.”
She scoffs. “I don’t believe you. You expect me to believe that you breaking up with me all of a sudden doesn’t have a thing to do with Meredith?”
“Yes. Think about it, Erica. I’ve been shitty while I was back in Pittsburgh. I’ve been distancing myself all summer. We were headed there anyway. This is it; we’re over.”
Her eyes narrow as she tugs her shirt into place. She huffs again, shakes her head, but pushes past me. Finally, she’s gone. I hope it’s the end of the relationship because I can’t deal with her and us fighting all the time on top of Meredith showing up in my life again.
I lie down on the couch and sigh again. Meredith is a mess. She’s not herself. For her to wake up and decide to fly down to Raleigh for no other reason than she wanted to get away without even booking a hotel is the last thing she would do. Ever. It’s the kind of thing that would send her into a panic and cause her to break out in hives. And I wish that was my biggest concern.
There was a void in her dark green eyes. Her eyes used to be so bright, happy, and full of life and adventure. I swear on my life, they sparked. Something has happened to take that away. I’ll be damned if I don’t want to find out what. I want to know what she’s been through, what happened with her engagement, how she’s truly dealing with her injury, and why, out of all the U.S. cities, she chose Raleigh.
As far as I know, I’m the only person she knows here. Could she be here for me? To get back together? I can’t allow myself to think that. Mostly because I’m terrified if it’s true and equally terrified that’s not the reason why. People sometimes speak of the one who got away, how they often think about that person, and how they always regret letting them go.
Meredith is the one who walked away, but part of me has always hoped she’d return. Her leaving me is single-handedly the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. I’ve tried moving on, but none of the relationships ever last. Some say it’s because I don’t give anyone a true chance. Some being ex-girlfriends, my mom, and my sister. My dad says it’s because Meredith is who I’m supposed to be with and no one else is ever going to be able to make me as happy as she did. No one is going to fulfill me like she did.
In the rare moments I decide to be honest with myself, I acknowledge that both sides are correct. I worry about being left, and I have a hard time trusting women while struggling with not wanting anyone but Meredith. It’s not like I could chase her regardless of what she told me. Trust me, I’ve thought about it more times than I can count over the years. How could I interfere with what she told me would make her happiest? How could I intrude with what she said she wanted? After she truly left, when I didn’t see or hear from her, when texts went unanswered, it hurt like a son of a bitch. I didn’t have the courage to put myself through finding her, pleading my case, and steeling myself for the rejection that was sure to come.
The struggle of wanting her but being unable to have her grew exponentially when I learned of her engagement.
Devastated is an understatement for how I felt when I learned she was engaged to some fellow tennis player. Her mom was the one to confirm the rumors were true. She didn’t seem as upset as I was, but she didn’t sound thrilled either, which was a telling sign for me. What mother wouldn’t be over the moon about her only daughter getting married? It didn’t make sense.
None of this makes sense.
I can still feel her hand in mine from when I briefly held it on the flight. It fit perfectly just like it used to. She would always dig her fingertips in a bit as if ensuring her hold on me. She did it again today, probably without realizing it. She has a hold on me now as strongly as she did when we broke up.
It was her who wanted it, of course. She first brought it up during our senior year of high school. Mere would start officially playing tennis full-time while taking a few college classes online. I would be going off to college to play hockey and go pro eventually. She wanted us to sever all ties, be free to see other people, and focus on our careers. She wanted to see the world while playing her game and without worrying about dealing with a boyfriend.
What kind of man would I be if I didn’t give her something that would make her happy, even if it was the one thing that would destroy me?
It wasn’t until after all communication with her ended that I realized just how much I loved her. How much of an idiot I was to let her go, while realizing it was exactly what I needed to do; for her, not for me. I remember calling my mom, whining like a baby about how I missed her. God, it was brutal. I never knew I could crave and ache for someone like that.
Mom told me to be grateful we ended o
n good terms because it meant that if there was ever a possibility of us getting together again in the future, it would make things easier. Since then, I’ve gone about my life like anyone would, but it was always, always, in the back of my mind that she would be mine again one day. One day, somehow, that woman would be mine, and would be until the day I die. My entire life since she left has felt like one long waiting period. Waiting for her to come back, or for the opportunity to arise where I could swoop in and take her back.
The day I first watched Meredith play tennis was the day I began thinking about her in my life. I was all in for the long haul. There was not one doubt in my mind that I had to have her, had to love her, had to get her to fall in love with me. The more time I spent with her, the more I wanted her, the more that feeling I had that day intensified. Even after our breakup and knowing how that affected me, I still couldn’t picture my life with anyone but her.
Life has been hell, and it’s all because she wasn’t in it. I have the career I love. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do, and I enjoy it. I’m surrounded by good people. My family is great; I couldn’t ask for better parents or for a greater sister.
But to be without Meredith? To not have her there? To not have her cheering for me as much as I’m cheering for her? To not be able to talk about my days with her? To not argue with her? To have a life completely void of the one person on this earth I want more than anyone, or anything, else?
Fuck, it’s been a struggle. Attempting to move on with someone is extremely difficult when there’s always someone else in the back of your mind whom you’d rather have. She’s been in my head since that fateful day when I saw her. Hell, she might as well be a part of my DNA. How do you move on from someone who is ingrained into your very being?
You don’t.
Not even a little bit.
I nearly gave up hope when I first heard the rumors that she was engaged. Meredith getting married would be the death of the hope I desperately held onto. However, hearing her mother tell me about it kept it alive. Her name is on my chest, for God’s sake! I needed her in my life again at some point. Maybe it would be different if I’d fallen for someone else in the meantime, but I haven’t. She’s the girl for me. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. No one else holds appeal for me like she does.
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