Back to Me

by Lindsay Paige

  “Stop it!” My heart is hammering and I try to focus on Leo. I hate that he’s right; I haven’t planned anything. I’ve been acting impulsively. What am I doing? It feels like I’m back at square one, completely lost and not knowing what to do. I need my anger back, not this all-consuming fear. “Let’s focus on how the first thing you asked me was if I was leaving.” Even that has to be better than my career ending.

  “I’m sorry. I was still pissed about you lying to me.”

  I sigh and softly ask, “Can we not talk about this tonight?” It’s been a long day and even longer night. I’m tired. My future looks unsettled again, and I don’t want to think about it anymore.

  Noah comes over, gets down on his knees, and places Leo on the floor before taking my hands. “I love you, Mere. I just got you back, and trust me, I don’t want to argue about this with you. But the conversation needs to happen. We’re supposed to get married next August; why are you lying to me?”

  Stupid tears leak from my eyes. “Because I knew you wouldn’t approve, and I wanted to see for myself.”

  “The only reason I don’t approve is because you aren’t taking care of yourself by doing it. That’s it. If you could, I would completely support you, but you can’t, Mere,” he finishes quietly.

  “I’m not ready,” I whisper.

  “No one ever is.”

  “I just want to make sure I don’t have any regrets.”

  “I get that, I do,” he says as he comes to sit next to me.

  “But?” I begrudgingly ask.

  “You shouldn’t have any regrets, Mere. You’ve tried your best. You’ve tried to tough it out. You’ve bided your time and hoped your shoulder would heal enough so you can play. You’ve done everything you possibly can. It’s time to start focusing on the next step of your life.”

  He’s right. I hate it, but he’s right. Hopefully, it’ll be as easy as he makes it sound.

  MEREDITH HAS BEEN understandably mopey now that it’s finally hit her that her career has ended. She even skipped my game tonight to babysit Scotty’s twins in hopes that it will cheer her up. Based on finding her cuddled on the couch with Leo, I’m guessing it didn’t help at all.

  “Scoot,” I demand. She moves forward just enough for me to lie down behind her. “Your life isn’t over, you know.”

  “Shut the hell up, Noah,” she halfheartedly tells me.

  “Well, talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking. Or, I can tell you what I’m thinking.”

  She takes a deep breath, quiet for a moment as she gathers her thoughts. “I just...I keep thinking about how I gave you up for such a short career. My entire life, all of my decisions, were for this one thing, and it’s gone. Just like that. What am I supposed to do with that?” Meredith rolls over to face me. “Put yourself in my shoes, Noah. What if you had to retire tomorrow without any notice?”

  “I’m not saying that it’s not hard, I know it is and that it will be, even if it was planned. It’s going to suck whether I know it’s coming or not. My point has been that you should try to focus on the positive things that come with not having it anymore. You get to spend more time with me. Your schedule is practically wide open. You can go see your parents whenever you want. You had a great career; it was nearly all highs. You’ve found something else that you are enjoying, and I’ve already told you that I think you should offer private lessons. There is a life after tennis. You can make it as fulfilling and worthwhile as you want.”

  Meredith nods in agreement. “There was just so much more I wanted to accomplish,” she whispers.

  “I know,” I reply as quietly.

  “You’ll build new dreams with me?”

  I fake a scoff. “Are you kidding me? You don’t even have to ask, Mere. Did I or did I not tell you what our future looked like? Those are our foundation dreams, just the beginning. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Me either.” She’s distracted by Leo as he wiggles closer to our faces. Those green eyes have that spark I missed so much when her gaze settles on mine. “You know that, right? I feel like you’re holding your breath for something to happen that’s going to cause me to turn and walk away again. I’m not going to do that. Promise. I even...I’m even kinda glad that it’s gotten through to me that my pro career is over because it won’t take me away from you. You don’t trust me yet considering what happened yesterday. I’ve given you all my secrets, Noah. I’m still right here. What’s it going to take?”

  She’s right. I still worry about her leaving somewhat. “Are you going to be pissed if I tell you that I feel better knowing you’re retired? You walked away for your career and with that being gone, your new adventures aren’t going to lead you away from me like tennis did. That’s why I was an ass to you last night. It was a panic-induced reaction mixed with a flashback.” I squeeze her hip. “I can’t lose you twice, Mere.”

  “You won’t.” I search her gaze and find that I believe her. She leans in, kisses me once, and smiles. “I love you.”

  “Love you more.”

  I have the day off before we leave tomorrow for an away game Tuesday in New York. “What are you doing?” I ask, taking a seat next to her on the couch. She has a pen and paper in her lap.

  “Well, my career is over, and who knows how long I’ll be working with Erica, so I decided to make a list of questions I need to answer if I’m going to do private lessons.”

  “What kind of questions?”

  “Like where will the lessons be held? When am I going to have time that will work for me and the other person? How should it be advertised? Will I have an assistant for the days my shoulder is bothering me? What age groups do I want? Do I want one-on-one or groups or both? Tons of stuff.”

  “Think you’ll be happy with that?”

  She takes a deep breath. “Yeah. I do love what I do, so I think that can make me happy, too. Honestly, I haven’t missed playing too much. I’ve just felt lost without it.”

  “Have you decided how you’ll formally announce your retirement?”

  “No. Can I not and fade into the background? If I announce, I’ll probably cry, and who wants that?”

  “Definitely not me.”

  She laughs.

  “Up to going out with me today?”

  “Are you asking me on a date, Noah Ramsey?” She grins.

  “Are you accepting?”

  “Yes.” She leans over to give me a quick kiss and gets up. “I’ll go shower.”

  I stand to follow her. “I’ll join you.”

  “I thought the sex was supposed to come after the date?”

  “We’re an established couple, not some people just starting out. This means we can have sex before and after the date.”

  Meredith laughs as we walk into the bathroom. She starts taking her clothes off while I turn the water on. Leo comes in and curls up on the rug in front of the sink. Damn dog can’t even let her shower alone. When hands reach out to grab my shirt, I turn my attention back to Meredith, who is now naked and trying to get me the same way.

  “Guess what other kind of list I started,” she says once she’s pulled my shirt off. She lets her fingers dance along my chest while I work on my pushing my pants down.

  “What?” I ask.

  A spectacular grin appears. “A wedding to-do. There’s already something on it for you.”

  I step out of my pants, now naked, and pull her flush against me. We’re probably going to be late to our date. I’m in the mood to take my sweet time with this body. “Is it to have sex with you every day?”

  “No.” She steps away from me and into the shower.

  I follow after and watch the water fall down her body. It’s always amazed me how Meredith has never been self-conscious around me. Even when we were in high school, she wasn’t shy about undressing in front of me. It was a huge turn on that she was so brazen, but now that we’re older, I think it’s simply because she trusts me with herself. I hope she’s always that way.

  “You need to sta
rt looking for a house for us.”

  My gaze snaps up to her. “I will, but I want us to hold off.”

  Meredith’s hand freezes as she reaches for the soap. “Why?”

  “As of right now, I don’t even know if I’ll be in Carolina next year. I just want us to wait and see what happens with my contract. We don’t need to buy a house to have to turn right around and sell it. That’s all I mean.”

  “Well, that makes sense.”

  “Of course it does.” She laughs, and I add, “Time for you to kiss me before I change my mind about this date.” That causes her to laugh again as she leans in to kiss me.

  “I love you,” she whispers.

  “I love you more.”

  Her hands lower to wrap around me. Fuck, she feels good. She’ll feel even better once I’m inside her. I swat her hands away and grab the back of her thighs, which lock around my waist. This is my woman. The only woman I’ve ever loved, and she’ll be the only woman I’ll ever marry. She’ll be the only one I’ll have kids with. She’ll be the only one I share my life with, the only one I’ll put up with, and the only one I’ll love until the day I die. There’s nothing more I could ask for.

  After our long shower where the water ran cold, I walk Leo while she finishes getting ready. Our first stop is the movies. No lie, the last time I went to the movies was with Meredith. Things have gotten more expensive in that time period, too. Meredith picks the movie, which ends up being a sad one where the love interest dies right after they’re finally happy. That’s apparently a good movie, according to Meredith.

  Next stop is to the best pizza place in Raleigh. Mere takes a pic of us to post in her Insta-thing. She hasn’t been able to stop smiling since our shower, and it’s such a good sight to see. I don’t think she’s realized how she’s already transitioned into a life without her pro career. She’s found and is pursuing a new passion, she’s mostly adjusted to having more time in her schedule, and she’s dealing with it well.

  “I was thinking of stopping by Ashley’s before Thanksgiving Day when I go home to see my parents,” Meredith says.

  I raise an eyebrow. “Yeah? Think that’s a good idea?”

  “Don’t look at me like that!” She playfully shoves my shoulder. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea, but I feel like I owe her an apology. Your whole family, really. I walked away from them and I hurt you. Maybe if I own up to my faults and apologize, it’ll help them like me sooner.”

  “Are you worried about that again, Mere?”

  “Not really,” she answers slowly, shifting her focus to her pizza before flicking those eyes back to me. “But wouldn’t it be nice if they were genuinely happy for us by a particular month next year?”

  She has a point.

  “If you want to do it, I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t. We’ll both make it home for Christmas, so if you want me there, you can wait until then.”

  Meredith shrugs. “We’ll see how my visit goes. What are we doing after this?”

  “Going to the practice rink to skate. Think you’ll be able to stay on your feet?”

  Her head tilts. “Are we on a date from high school?”

  “Maybe. What’s wrong with that?”

  “Shouldn’t our dates be more adult-like?”

  “Do you want to go to some stuffy restaurant and to a wine tasting or something like that?”

  “Maybe.” Her lips struggle to stay neutral, but I see her smile right before she takes a bite of her pizza. She hasn’t complained to me, so I’m taking that to mean she doesn’t mind. “There’s something I want us to do afterward.”

  “What is it?”

  “You’ll find out when the time comes,” she says with a teasing smile.

  “Am I going to like it or want to do it?”

  She shrugs. “Maybe. I hope so.”

  Now, I’m intrigued, but Meredith doesn’t give me a chance to ask as she flags our waitress for our bill.

  “You can pay,” she adds. “Because it’s a date and because you’re now the breadwinner between the two of us.” She laughs, and it’s good to hear it. Meredith still has money rolling in from her endorsement deals, plus what she makes with the high school even if it is little in comparison. She won’t hurt for money if she knows how to spend and invest it. Not to mention that I do plan to take care of her.

  So, I pay our bill and we head to the practice arena. I groan when we find Marc inside.

  “Are you seriously encroaching on our date?”

  “I’m bored, and I know I’m Meredith’s favorite, so yes, I am.”

  “We need to get you a girlfriend, Marco,” Meredith tells him.

  “What? You don’t want me here?” He pouts and I start ignoring him to put my skates on. Meredith is getting a loaner pair and she can’t ever tie them tight enough if memory serves me correctly, so she’s only putting them on and waiting for me to do the rest.

  “As long as you don’t plan on leaving with us. Wait, maybe you should. Then I can have two people hold my hands.”

  “For what?” we both ask.

  “It’s a secret for now.”

  Marc glances at me and I shrug before kneeling down to tie her laces. Once done, we all take the ice. It takes a few minutes before Meredith can get the hang of it again. We do a few laps, with Marc annoying Meredith a bit because he keeps skating circles around her and she loses her footing every time he does.

  “Can’t you give me a stick to beat him with?” Mere asks me, causing me to laugh.

  “Unfortunately not. Team needs him healthy.”

  “Let’s race,” Marc says. “Loser pays for dinner next time we go out.”

  “Are you crazy?” Meredith asks incredulously. “I’ve seen you two skate. I’m obviously going to be the loser.”

  Marc grins. “What’s wrong with that?”

  “We’ll give you a ten-second head start,” I tell her.

  She sighs and nods since I seem to be up for the game. I’m only agreeing to it because I plan for Marc to lose. We line up at center ice because Meredith doesn’t want to have to skate from one end to the other. “Any tips?” she asks me.

  I lean down and whisper my plan in her ear, low enough that Marc can’t hear me. Mere grins and nods. As promised, we give her the ten-second head start before we take off. I’m faster than Marc, so when I’m about to pass Meredith, she holds out her hand. I take it and pull her along with me.

  “No fair!” he shouts when we both make it to the boards two seconds before him.

  I grin. “Did you set up rules that I wasn’t aware of?”

  “I figured it was implied that you can’t help an opponent.”

  “Sucks for you.” Meredith sticks her tongue out at him. “You’re taking us to a fancy restaurant.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Didn’t you have somewhere else you wanted to go?”

  “Yes, and you can’t come.”

  My curiosity is starting to get the best of me. “Why don’t we leave Marco here by himself and you can show me whatever you want to show me.”

  Mere smirks. She grazes her fingertips down my chest. “Who says I’m showing you something? We’re doing something.”

  With her hand in mine, we start skating away from Marc. There’s only one thing I can even think of right now, and when Meredith laughs and says, “It’s not sex,” I don’t even care. Sex is coming afterward.

  “Don’t even say bye!” Marc yells.

  “Bye, Marco!” Meredith shouts back.

  I move fast to take our skates off and hurry us back to my SUV.

  “Let me drive,” Meredith says. I shrug and hand her the keys. “I’m kind of nervous,” she admits as she puts the address into the GPS on her phone.

  “Why? What are we doing?” Her being nervous and the fact that she’s not telling me yet is starting to make me a little nervous.

  “I don’t want to tell you yet.”

  We don’t say anything else while she drives. Soon, we’re parked in front of a tatt
oo parlor. I look at Meredith with confusion. Are we in the wrong place?

  She grabs my hand until it’s touching her ribcage just underneath her left breast. “You have my name.” She taps my hand. “I want yours.”

  For a moment, all I can do is stare at her. She wants my name tattooed on her body? I lean over the console and kiss her hard, my hand moving up to the back of her neck to hold her in place until I’m finished. She nips my lip, causing a series of actions. I unhook her seatbelt, grab her hips, and she helps me out by climbing over. My mouth moves down her neck.

  “Noah,” Mere whispers.

  “Hmm?” I come back to her mouth and slide my tongue against hers. I think I’ll kiss her forever. Meredith wiggles in my lap. I groan.

  She has to ruin all of my fun by grabbing my shoulders and pulling away from me. “First, we’re in your car and we’re out in public. Second, we should head inside.”

  “Are you really doing this? You’re sure you want to? It’ll hurt. You don’t have—”

  “I want to do this because I love you,” she interrupts me. “You did it for me when I thought you were crazy to do it and you didn’t hesitate one bit because you knew the love you had for me would last as long as the tattoo would. You don’t understand what it means to me that you still have it and never once thought about covering it up or removing it. I want to do this, Noah.” She seems so sure and certain. “I love you,” she adds.

  What would I do without her? Now that she’s back, I can’t even picture the past eight years because it simply doesn’t seem possible that she wasn’t there. It makes me so excited about my future because she’s going to be in it. A future with her is the only future there is for me.

  “Marry me,” I blurt out.

  MY EYES FEEL like they’re about to pop out of their sockets. Noah struggles to reach into his pocket to pull out the ring box. He pops it open and brings his gaze back to mine. My heart is going crazy, feeling as if it’s beating erratically, suddenly stopping, and then ramping back up.

  “Meredith Quick, will you marry me?”