Melissa pushed Andi away, her eyes hot and glaring, burning into Andi. “Damn it, Andi, that was my decision to make, not yours, and it isn’t yours now. Gwen deserves the truth! She needs to choose whether to stay or go, or your kindness will haunt her forever. Stop trying to figure out what everyone else thinks, needs, or feels. Just let us in.”
Andi stood dumbfounded. She had never considered that Melissa would have made a different choice. Would Gwen?
*
Gwen watched Andi get ready for bed. She had been distant and distracted since her time alone with Melissa, and Gwen was beginning to worry. She was aching for some way to ease Andi’s unrest and somehow make her nightmare end.
“Is something wrong?” Gwen asked as Andi rearranged her clothes in the drawer for the third time.
Andi shook her head without looking up. “No. I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Why don’t you come to bed and tell me about it?”
Gwen was hopeful when Andi closed the drawer she had been studying and made her way to the bed. She stopped just short of Gwen. She looked down at the bedcovers, avoiding eye contact. When Andi didn’t move and didn’t say anything, Gwen sat up and took Andi’s hand.
“Hey. What’s going on with you? Talk to me.” She brushed her thumb across the back of Andi’s hand. “Did something happen between you and Melissa?”
Andi’s eyes flickered with pain as she glanced up at Gwen. “I feel like I keep messing things up for the people I care about.”
Gwen gently pulled Andi onto the bed and wrapped her in her arms. “None of this is your fault, sweetie. You’re a good person who got hurt by some really bad men. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Gwen felt Andi’s head shake against her shoulder. “Melissa never would have been hurt if it wasn’t for me.” Andi went rigid against her.
“Andi…”
“Then I left her to deal with it all on her own. I let her go all this time believing she had let me down. She thinks she failed me.”
Gwen closed her eyes against the pain she felt for Andi. She couldn’t imagine what she and Melissa had gone through. “You didn’t know that. You were doing the best you could to take care of yourself.”
“No. I was just running. I wasn’t taking care of anything.”
Gwen held Andi tighter, brushing her fingers gently though her hair. “Well, you’re taking care of things now. Maybe you both needed this time to deal with things on your own before you could be ready to face this one last fight together.”
Andi lifted her head and looked at Gwen. Her expression was so sad, so lost that Gwen became afraid. “What?”
“If you had known my story from the beginning, would you still be here?”
Gwen didn’t hesitate. “Yes. I believe I would. Our story might have started out differently if you had told me about your past, but I think I fell in love with you on that very first day, standing in my kitchen. It happened when I was holding your hand under the water and you let me work the rocks and rubble out of the cut on your palm. You were so trusting and patient despite the obvious pain you were in. And you were just so damn beautiful. I think I would have loved you no matter what you told me.”
The look in Andi’s eyes was so desperate, so wounded, that Gwen realized this was about more than just the issues with Kevin James. “Talk to me, Andi. Tell me what’s upsetting you. What happened in your life that makes it so hard for you to believe you can be loved?”
Andi stared at Gwen.
“I don’t have a family,” Andi started. “From the age of eleven I was an orphan. I grew up as a ward of the state.”
Gwen sat holding Andi’s hand, listening intently.
“I’ve told you a little about my time in foster care. It wasn’t easy to place a child of my age, so I bounced from home to home and spent a lot of time in group homes as a teenager.” Andi’s eyes had grown distant as she recalled her childhood.
“Unlike most of the children I met, I threw myself into my schoolwork. I didn’t like most of the other kids, who were often in custody because of behavioral issues. I just didn’t fit in. Every time I got close to one of the girls, they would be moved to another placement, or I would. When I turned eighteen, I opted to stay in custody for the maximum allotted time so I could attend college and obtain a degree. I learned pretty early on to keep my sexuality a secret for the most part, except for prom.”
Gwen smiled, and she was glad Andi had shared what seemed to have been the one happy moment of her teen years with her.
Andi continued her story. “Prom was great, but when my foster mother found out she had the state move me. I came out when I was nineteen. I met a young woman in college who was in my criminal justice class. We were alone in my room one evening when my case worker decided to make a surprise visit. Mae, the girl I was seeing, was sporting a black T-shirt that read Lipstick Lesbian on the front, and I had a love bite on my neck.”
Gwen chuckled. But Andi didn’t even crack a smile.
“Mrs. Anders, my case worker, was not pleased by the situation and placed me on a sort of probation. She kept a painfully close eye on me. I couldn’t have visitors in my room and I had a nine o’clock curfew. I even had to check in with the RA every evening. Needless to say, Mae lost interest pretty quickly. After college I threw myself into my work and earned my master’s degree. Although I was finally free to live my life, I was distant and guarded and didn’t make friends easily. Traits you’ve pointed out are still an issue.”
Andi and Gwen continued to talk for the next two hours, both sharing stories of heartbreak and vanished dreams. Gwen felt like she was getting a rare glimpse into the heart of the woman she loved. She wanted to know everything. The more Andi talked, the more Gwen understood about Andi’s emotional distance and reluctance to get close to people. She had been hurt and abandoned throughout her entire life. Gwen realized just what a task it would be to prove to Andi that she loved her and that she would never leave.
When they arrived at the topic of Kevin James, Andi stiffened.
Gwen stroked her hand down Andi’s arm and brushed her fingers through her hair to reassure her. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Take your time.”
“When this whole mess started, I lost everything all over again. I thought I had found a place to belong through my work. I was dating a local police officer in the town where I worked. She wasn’t out and was very clear about not wanting anyone to know about us. I convinced myself I could settle for my relationship with J.C. because I knew where she stood, and I had accepted that she would leave me eventually. I had learned to believe that was how my life worked.”
Gwen grew still. This was the first time Andi had talked about anyone she had dated, and Gwen knew this was an important part of Andi’s story. “So you were seeing her when the thing with Kevin James happened?”
Andi nodded. “She left me. Boyd was already on the run, and I was scared to death.”
Gwen tensed. “But she didn’t just leave. She left you alone when you needed her. She abandoned you.” Gwen knew this had to be true. It explained Andi’s reluctance to trust Gwen’s feelings for her or her own value in her relationships with those around her.
Andi nodded. “I thought I was ready for it, but I felt betrayed, rejected, shunned. Her leaving said that my life didn’t matter. When you came into my life, I never thought you could love me. I was too damaged. My life is too broken, too dangerous, too uncertain for anyone to love me.”
Gwen wept, and her tears landed on Andi’s hand. “I can see how you might have believed that then, but not anymore. You’ll never be alone like that again. You may not believe this, Andi, but I love you and you are everything to me.” Gwen knew it wouldn’t be her words that would convince Andi of her love, but her actions. It would take time, but she would show Andi she could trust her love.
Gwen pulled Andi closer against her. “Thank you for telling me.” She knew it had been hard for Andi to talk about her past and to reveal her insecurities.
And despite the pain she felt for everything Andi had been through, a part of her glowed with the understanding of what it meant for Andi to let her in.
*
Andi was restless. Gwen lay beside her, sleeping. She looked so serene, so peaceful that Andi found herself mesmerized by how beautiful she was. She wished she could join Gwen in her dreamworld where no harm could come to them. Since her reunion with Melissa and Jimmy, the past was no longer locked away in the cell Andi had created in her mind. The memories of that terrible night with Kevin James and Curtis Boyd flashed behind her eyelids as vivid as if she were watching the events play out before her very eyes. She could feel Boyd’s hot breath on her neck and smell the stench of sweat from his body as if she were still beneath him. Her hands clenched involuntarily, and she thought she could feel her fingers close around the cold, rough stone.
Lying on her back with an arm cast over her eyes, Andi tried to force the memories from her mind and tried to make sense of her life. Although the memories were painful, she felt a sense of power over them now. She had taken the first step toward healing. She couldn’t take back the mistakes she had made. Looking back, she remembered her fear and loneliness, and how she had desperately thought she was doing the right thing by leaving.
Andi sighed. She had been selfish. But the truth was, if she had never let Melissa close to her, Melissa would have been safe. Everything seemed so clear now. She couldn’t take back the mistakes that had hurt Melissa so much, but she could make sure she didn’t make the same mistakes again.
Gwen shifted in her sleep, and Andi felt her tender fingers brush across her stomach as Gwen’s arm came around her. Gwen nuzzled close to her, the heat of her body warming Andi in her deepest recesses.
The thought of losing Gwen was like having her skin peeled away, leaving her exposed and raw.
Andi thought of how wonderful her days had been since Gwen had come into her life. She pictured Gwen in her mind, seeing the graceful movements of her body, her hands, her mouth. She thought of how she’d avoided Gwen after learning of the parole hearing, how Gwen had come to her and held her in her arms, allowing her to rest. Gwen had shown her so much tenderness. She had put up with Andi’s distance and silence and still hadn’t given up.
Despite her best efforts, Andi had fallen in love with Gwen. She had to stop running. She had told Gwen everything, and Gwen still stayed.
Andi rolled over and brushed her lips against Gwen’s forehead, her cheek, her nose. She trailed her fingers lightly along her side until she felt Gwen tremble against her.
Gwen slowly opened her eyes as her lips curved into a smile. “Mmm. Am I dreaming?”
Andi brushed her fingertip across Gwen’s breast and smiled when Gwen’s eyes darkened with desire and her nipple pebbled against her touch.
“If this is a dream I hope I never wake up,” Andi answered.
Gwen’s arm tighted around Andi as she pulled her close and kissed her.
Andi was soaring. She wanted Gwen. She needed her. And she wouldn’t waste another moment of loving her.
*
A faint knock at her door drew Andi out of her thoughts. It was their final day with Melissa and Jimmy, and they were supposed to be leaving for brunch soon. Slowly she got up from her bed and went to the door.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me. Can I come in?” Melissa’s soft voice was faint through the door.
Andi drew in a deep breath and opened the door. Melissa stood there sheepishly, looking very much like a little girl.
“Of course you can come in.” Andi stepped aside, holding the door as Melissa stepped into the room. “What is it?” she asked, seeing the anxiety written across Melissa’s face.
“Where’s Gwen?”
“She just got back from a run.” Andi glanced at her watch. “She’s in the shower. Is there a problem?”
Melissa shook her head. “I need to know you’re okay, Andi. I need to know you aren’t going to shut me out again.”
Andi breathed a sigh of relief and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just sorry it took me so long to let you in. I’m still not totally sure I can face the parole hearing, but I promise to keep in touch—and you promised to visit.”
Melissa sat down next to Andi on the bed, her eyes looked tired. “Jimmy and I are happy together. I just hope you’ll allow yourself a little happiness too.”
Andi glanced at Melissa, “What do you mean?”
“I mean Gwen, of course.”
A faint smile edged the corners of Andi’s mouth at the mention of Gwen’s name.
“Did you tell her?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
Andi sighed contentedly. “She was wonderful. Of course.”
Melissa smiled. “Well, from everything you’ve told me about her and seeing you two together, I think she’s the real deal. Let her make up her own mind about the rest.”
“Part of me knows if I just walk away, she’ll be safe. I can’t help but think that’s the right thing to do. But no part of me wants that. I can’t let her go.”
Melissa shook her head. “You feel that because you can’t see an alternative ending to this story. I get it that you want to protect Gwen. But you’ll be hurting her if you leave. Keep talking to her, Andi.”
Andi sighed. “Part of me knows you’re right, the other part of me says run.”
“Look, Jimmy and I are planning to visit you in two weeks. We thought that would give you time to get things worked out, and we could discuss what we need to do next about the parole hearing. You don’t have to have any answers before then. In the meantime, trust her. Trust yourself. I know this is going to work out.”
Andi was shocked silent.
Melissa smiled at the look on Andi’s face. “No more hiding in that quiet little town of yours. We’re coming. From what I’ve seen and read about the place, you’ve been holding out on us. It’s time you shared all that serenity.”
Andi nodded. Smiling, she took Melissa’s hand, grateful for her friendship. “Okay.”
“Okay? Are you serious?” Melissa said, sounding surprised. “No stonewalling? No excuses? You aren’t even going to argue?”
Andi laughed. “Doesn’t sound like I have much choice in the matter.”
Melissa threw her arms around Andi and kissed her cheek. “Thank you, Andi.”
Andi hugged her back. “Come on, let’s get Gwen and go find that gorgeous girl of yours. You know she’s starving by now.”
They both laughed, and Andi’s heart softened a little. It was nice to have friends.
Chapter Twenty-three
Andi was glad to be home, and even happier to be sitting in her kitchen, drinking tea with Gwen. So much had changed for her over the brief weekend. She had learned so much about herself and her friends and she felt a new sense of belonging that she hadn’t experienced before.
She could never undo the mistakes she had made with Melissa, but she was determined not to make the same mistakes with Gwen. She reached across and laid her hand on Gwen’s thigh. It didn’t matter how close Gwen was, she could never be close enough. Andi needed to touch her. Gwen put her hand over Andi’s and laced their fingers together. Andi’s heart skipped.
“You okay?” Gwen asked.
Andi nodded. “I’m thinking about the hearing. Things are going to get crazy.”
“Maybe,” Gwen agreed. “But it’s all going to work out. We’ll just take things as they come.”
Andi studied Gwen’s face, trying to memorize every curve, every line. She knew Gwen wasn’t going to like what she was going to say. “I don’t want you to go to the hearing.”
Gwen glanced at Andi and the muscle at her jaw jumped. “What are you talking about? Of course I’ll be there.”
Andi pulled Gwen’s hand into her lap. “It isn’t that I don’t want you there. I’ve been thinking about Kevin James. I don’t want him to know about you. I don’t want to give him
any more ammunition. If he doesn’t know about you, he won’t hurt you.”
“Andi, no one’s going to hurt me. I don’t want to hide from anyone. I want to be there with you.”
“I know you do. And I love that you do. But you don’t know him. I could never forgive myself if anything happened to you because of me.”
Gwen was silent for a long time. Andi didn’t want to argue with Gwen, and she was afraid of hurting her.
Gwen sighed. “I get what you’re saying. I don’t agree, but it’s something I’m willing to consider. Let’s wait and see if you even have to go to the hearing before we make this decision. Okay?”
Andi nodded. “Sure.” She rested her head against Gwen’s shoulder. She tried to calm the worry and fear churning within her. She knew Gwen believed wholeheartedly that things would be okay, and her fierce determination made Andi want to believe it too.
As if sensing Andi’s unease, Gwen brushed a kiss against Andi’s head. “Don’t worry. If it will make you feel better, I won’t go to the hearing. I’ll trust you to tell me what you need. And I hope you’ll trust that I won’t ever do anything to hurt you.”
Andi wrapped her arms around Gwen and raised her head to place a quick kiss on her lips. “Deal.” She knew Gwen needed to know that she wasn’t going to shut her out. Now that she understood more about Gwen’s past, she was more aware of how her decisions could affect Gwen. Keeping Gwen safe wasn’t just about keeping her away from Kevin James—it was about protecting her heart.
She had no idea how it was going to be possible to do both.
*
Andi glanced at the clock as she finished straightening the shelves after putting up the last of the new stock. Goodness, could it really be three in the morning? The floors were already cleaned and everything was ready for opening in the morning, and she was tired. She had gotten into the habit of coming in late at night to do important things in the store when Gwen was out of town with work. She left most of the daily operations to Morgan. Andi kept up with the deliveries and baked the treats, but other than that, she was out of the store as much as possible, letting herself heal.
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