One day she went, full of the news that she was going to New York – for some weeks, she thought, she didn’t know for how long. He said nothing to this: he seemed abstracted. At the end of the session, he asked her if she would mind changing the time at which she came. Could she come at five o’clock instead of three? It made no difference to her. She had become used to knowing when her session was up, because the doorbell would ring, and he would answer it and put the newcomer into his small back room until she had left. She never met another patient.
But the next time she went, she noticed that he was wearing a different suit and bow-tie and that the table, which was usually between them, had been moved and was now covered by a coloured embroidered cloth on which were a plate with two slices of cake and two wine glasses.
‘Are you going to have a party?’ she asked; she felt glad at these signs of his having some ordinary social life.
He smiled. ‘Oh, yes! Perhaps. We shall see.’
His assault, when it came, was utterly without warning of any kind. One minute he was opposite her, head slightly hunched between his shoulders, and the next he was on his knees, surprisingly powerful arms enclosing her, pushing her head – by the back of her neck – towards his face until his mouth met her cheek and moved sideways and downwards until he reached her mouth. The shock was so great that, for what seemed a long time, while these physical manoeuvres took place, she was paralysed, but as he fastened his mouth on hers she began to fight him, pushing weakly with her hands since he had pinioned her upper arms, clenching her teeth against his tongue, and finally dropping her head and butting his face with her forehead. He fell back at this and she freed her arms to push him suddenly and hard so that he fell sideways on to the floor. She got up from the chair to her feet just as he was beginning to sit up.
‘Wait,’ he said. ‘You have not understood. I adore you—’
‘I hate you!’ she tried to say but, like a nightmare, no sound came out.
Without her coat or bag, she ran from his room down the passage to the front door, which she wrested open, down the steps into the street. She ran the whole length of the street and at the corner looked to see if he was following her, but he was not. She turned the corner and continued running, and when she reached the main road by the park, she realized that she had no money to get either the bus or a cab. It was late, and the park would be closing: she leaned against a pillar box trying to get her breath back and then renewed fears that he would pursue her took hold and she hailed the first empty cab that came. Someone would have the money for it at home, was her last coherent thought. When she reached home, she called Nannie, who produced the money for the fare, and, saying that Mummy looked really tired, offered her a nice cup of tea in the nursery. ‘Sebastian would love to have tea with his mummy.’
‘I’m sorry. I don’t feel well. I may have caught something. I just want to go to bed.’ Michael was not back from the studio: she threw herself on the bed and lay there while it got dark.
She never saw him again. The next day, her coat and bag were returned to her by some young man of whom she knew nothing, but who announced himself as Hans Schmidt. ‘My father asked that I bring you these,’ he said. She took them without a word and shut the door on him.
When Michael enquired how she was getting on with Dr Schmidt, she said that she did not like him and had given up going, news that he received with a kind of weary indulgence: she was full of whims – she would never stick to anything.
Since then she had had a series of nightmares about him that always took the same form but with variations, so that there was always a shock attached to each dream. She would be going about her life and he would materialize from nowhere, and he was always coming towards her. Once it was on a moving staircase, when she was on the descending side and she saw him ascending – watching her with his dark intent eyes. When he reached a level with her he seemed to disappear, but then the man standing on the stair below her would turn round to face her – and it would be him. Another time she was running from him through a series of rooms with doors that led into one another, and when she reached the door that led out of the house, it would open and he would be standing there. The nightmares stopped exactly when she had tried to scream and discovered that she could make no sound. These dreams, although they slowly became less frequent, continued throughout that winter. Looking back on that time, she knew now that it had changed things. She remembered how that winter when she and Michael went to large dinner parties, she would look at the then alternated with women round a dinner table and wonder whether, when they were alone with a woman, they behaved in some way or another like Dr Schmidt. If this was so, she had to find some way of dealing with it. One way would be to look so awful and behave so unpleasantly that no man would want even to talk to her, but there was a serious flaw in this solution. She felt so worthless and guilty – about Sebastian and also about Michael – that the only times when she felt any better were when someone paid her any kind of admiring attention. She knew that people thought her beautiful, and although she did not agree with them (she would not have chosen her appearance which struck her as too bony and otherwise dull), she relied upon even small, casual remarks about it to give her fleeting moments of self-esteem. She had also a reputation for intelligence that privately she knew to be unfounded but, again, it helped that some people thought this and said so. So she could hardly afford to be entirely unapproachable. The situation remained miserably unresolved.
She had been lonely that winter: Stella, having landed a job with a London newspaper, was immediately sent abroad as a foreign correspondent, which meant that she came back to London rarely and only for fleeting visits.
She saw Polly a bit at the flat, but Clary was hardly ever there and when she was had turned into someone it was very difficult to talk to, although Polly was comfortingly the same. Sometimes, after she had spent an evening with her, she felt envious of Polly’s life: her own place, a job where she was taken seriously enough to earn money, and her being able to choose exactly how she spent her spare time. All the efforts Louise had made to get employment had come to little or, in most cases, nothing: an amateur reading of a Communist verse play in Ealing, a couple of small parts in radio plays, and three auditions for parts in the theatre none of which she got. There had been no film work and she had stopped trying to get any.
They had spent the first Christmas after the war at Hatton. She had wanted to stay in their own house, but Michael was adamant, and since she knew, although nothing was said, that he was cross with her for stopping seeing Dr Schmidt, she neither dared nor felt up to arguing with him.
After that – which was three weeks of being disapproved of, for smoking, for drinking alcohol, for not being pregnant, and for being a bad mother, all indisputable bull’s eyes, she thought miserably – they came back to London, and she resumed her life of trying to think of meals for Mrs Alsop to cook, things to do with Sebastian on Nannie’s day out and, occasionally, going off on her own to some of the places she’d been to with Hugo. One day, in Portobello, in the window of the shop where he’d found the Pembroke table, she saw a piece of red and cream striped silk draped across an inlaid table. It was the remains of a curtain, the man in the shop said, a bit frayed at the edges but a nice piece of material. He wanted three pounds for it and she bought it simply because she loved the stripes. The red, which was both soft and bright, was of satin; the cream stripe was watered taffeta. She took it to her dressmaker who said it was just possible to make a dress of it if she had an almost straight skirt and a bodice with ribbon shoulder straps. It was a romantic dress with a faintly Regency air, and the first opportunity to wear it came when Michael arranged a dinner party, which included, among others, his mother and step-father and a well-known conductor, who was one of Sebastian’s godparents. The latter insisted upon Louise taking him to see his godchild. ‘He’ll be asleep,’ she said, as they climbed the stairs to the nursery floor.
He was asleep. Together, t
hey gazed at him in his bed, the only light coming from the open door to the passage. She turned to go and felt his heavy hand on her shoulder trying to ease off her shoulder strap. As she backed away it broke, and she found herself facing him, holding her dress over her breast. He was still groping for her, ‘You’re such a damned attractive girl,’ as she fled down the passage to the day nursery, where she got Nannie to repair the shoulder strap. This incident was useful to her because she found that it did not induce panic; she simply felt angry. All through that evening she found herself looking at parts of him – his oiled black hair which, she realized, was so black it must be dyed, his hideous hands, which would have been suitable for an ogre they were so large and knobbly, his polished hypocrisy, ‘What a little angel I have for a godchild,’ and other creepy remarks he made to Zee, and the way that his eyes slid furtively over her without engagement.
Then there had been the party for Angela … and thinking of that, she realized how much Angela had changed. Then she had been thin as a stick, pale, with mascara and startlingly red lips, very cool in her responses to the congratulations, hardly smiling or talking. Now she was altogether more solid: rounder, softer, spontaneously warm. Perhaps there is such a thing as a happy marriage, she thought. Of course, there must be: it was she who had made a hash of it.
She was reaching the corner where the man had the tray of turtles. She had promised Michael that she would not buy any more as he said that no more would fit into the dress box in which they were to travel. He had been so nice about the turtles that she felt she ought to stick to his ruling. After all, if she bought, say, three more, there would still be at least a dozen on the tray and more of them tomorrow. So she kept on the wrong side of the street for the turtle man.
Michael was back in their room. ‘Where have you been?’
‘To see Angela – my cousin. I had lunch with her.’
‘But it’s nearly five o’clock!’
‘I walked back. It was quite a long way. Anyway, what does it matter? We’re not going out till eight.’
‘Well, we are, as a matter of fact. We’re having drinks with Maimie and Arthur Kesterman – you know, we met them with the Ames’.’ She didn’t know, but there seemed no point in saying so. ‘So, darling, you’d better start changing. Oh, damn! Someone’s coming to photograph us before the dinner. We’ll have to get him here earlier, or to see us at the Kestermans’.’
‘Why do they want to photograph us?’
‘Ah, well,’ he answered. He was tying his black tie. ‘It’s because we’re so awfully famous.’
‘You are. I’m not.’
‘You are – because you’re my wife.’ He caught her eye in the dressing-table mirror. ‘At least, I wish you were more my wife than you seem prepared to be. Have you made up your mind about that?’
‘About what?’ she said stupidly.
‘About going to bed with me, darling. It’s pretty rough, you know, living cheek by jowl, everybody saying how ravishing your wife is when she won’t play with you.’
‘I suppose it must be … I’m sorry.’ To have this sort of conversation at the same time as having to take off her clothes made her feel shaky and sullen. ‘I think I’ll have a bath.’
‘You won’t have time. We’ve got to be there in three-quarters of an hour and you know how long it takes to move all those turtles.’
So she didn’t. She changed into the dress he chose for her: he was good at picking the right outfit for these occasions, which always seemed to her very much like one another but were, he insisted, full of subtle distinctions.
It was a long evening and she ended it a little drunk. The prolonged drinking before the dinner party and her inability to think of fresh answers to the questions she had been asked for the last three weeks – ‘How do you like New York?’ ‘What is it like to be married to such a famous and charming husband?’ ‘How many children have you got?’ followed by ‘I expect you miss him terribly, don’t you?’ – made her drink too much before dinner, and not want to eat when the food arrived.
Michael drank a good deal as well. They did not get back to the hotel until after one, and while they were undressing, he said, ‘Don’t bother to put on your nightdress, I’m going to make love to you.’
I don’t mind! she thought, when it was over and he had turned away from her to sleep. I didn’t even feel anything about not liking it. I simply didn’t feel anything at all. This, surely, must be a step in the right direction. Just not to care a damn, one way or the other.
On the boat, going back to England, it happened several more times – with the same result.
At Southampton, Zee met them with Sebastian and Nannie. Zee and her chauffeur drove back to London with Michael, and Louise, Nannie and Sebastian went by train. ‘You don’t mind, darling, do you?’ Michael said. ‘Only Mummy hasn’t seen me for so long, she wants a little time with me to herself.’
She didn’t mind.
She returned to life at Edwardes Square. Stella was still away, Polly was going to be married, Mrs Alsop gave in her notice the morning after her return. ‘There are people in this house, madam, who seem to think they should be waited on hand, foot and finger,’ and as she had been alone in it with Nannie and Sebastian, her meaning was clear. After Mrs Alsop had left the bedroom – she was in the throes of unpacking – clearly disappointed that her bombshell had not had more impact, Louise spent the rest of the morning allocating the presents she had bought for everyone in New York. When Michael rang at lunchtime to say that he would be out in the evening, she decided to take Polly’s and Clary’s presents to Blandford Street.
Neville – surprisingly – opened the door to her. He was wearing a pyjama jacket and half of his face was covered with shaving soap. ‘Oh, hello, Louise. Polly’s on the telephone, as usual, so she asked me to answer the door. I stay here in the holidays,’ he continued as they went up the stairs. He towered above her now – must be over six feet – although, with his tufted hair and sticking-out ears, he looked otherwise the same. ‘Do talk to me while I finish my shave,’ he said, when they reached the open bathroom door. ‘You’ll have to sit on the stairs if you want to sit. Poll hates being interrupted when she’s talking to her lord.’
‘Why are you shaving at this time in the evening?’
‘I’m off to work in a minute. Anyway, it doesn’t matter when I do it. I can see it’s going to bore me most frightfully for the rest of my life. I was thinking of growing a beard, but they aren’t fancied at Stowe – except for the art master.’
Quite soon he cut himself. ‘When I have to do it every day, my face will be like a railway junction,’ he complained.
‘What’s your work?’
‘I wash up at the Savoy. It’s absolutely tedious, but I get a free meal and paid in cash. I’m saving up to go to Greece and Turkey and a few other places like that.’
‘Are you going on your own?’ It seemed wonderfully adventurous.
‘I’m going with two friends, Quentin and Alex. Quentin’s father was in some embassy in Athens so he’s got quite good at Greek. We’re buying an Oldsmobile from a man in Bletchley. It’s quite old, but the man says it’s the most remarkable car he has ever had pass through his garage. He only wants ninety-eight pounds for it. Hence the washing up.’ He mopped his face and dried it with a tea-cloth. ‘What do you think of Polly marrying a lord?’ he said.
‘I haven’t met him. Do you like him?’
He shrugged. ‘He seems all right. Of course, Polly thinks he’s super-wonderful. People always think that before they marry people, don’t they? They don’t seem to notice that secretly they’re just like everyone else. I don’t think I shall marry. I would, if I were Polly, because I should be interested to go to a coronation. Although I expect she’ll be so old by the time there is one she won’t enjoy it. But there isn’t anyone I could marry that would give me the entrée.’
‘Why do you want to go to one?’
‘Partly the trumpets. They have marvello
us trumpets at things like that, I’m told – the man who teaches me the trumpet told me that – and partly all the dressing up, fur, you know, and velvet and wearing a coronet. I suppose I have a thirst for experiences that are out of reach – the ones I can have are mostly too tedious for words.’
‘Do you know what you want to do?’
‘Do? I don’t want to do anything. Well, I want to get into university if I can because at least it will put off the ghastly National Service, and by the time I’ve finished at Cambridge, or wherever I get into, they might have stopped having it. Quentin thinks there’s a sporting chance. Simon is loathing it. He’s in the RAF and he says the officers moult in the bath.’
He took off his pyjama jacket – he had on a shirt underneath.
‘She’s off the telephone and I’m off to work. You couldn’t sock me sixpence for the bus, could you? I haven’t got any money.’
‘You don’t change,’ she said, as she gave him the sixpence. ‘About money, anyway.’
‘No, I don’t – haven’t found the need. And I’ve been short of cash all my life.’
‘Scrounging again.’ Polly had come noiselessly down the stairs and now stooped to give Louise a kiss. ‘If he’d had the slightest chance, he would have asked me for the bus fare as well and then he would have bought something to eat.’
‘Quite right. I’m well known.’ He smiled with sudden, dazzling charm, threw his pyjama jacket carelessly on to the floor of his room and went.
‘Come up. Sorry, I was on the telephone.’
She was looking particularly lovely, even in her oldest blue jersey with the elbows darned in a lighter blue and her coppery hair tied back with a crumpled piece of blue velvet ribbon. All the evening, she glowed: she shone as though she was full of sunlight. ‘I hadn’t the slightest idea that one could feel like this,’ she said, ‘as though the rest of my life is going to be a magic adventure. I feel so lucky to have met him – I very nearly didn’t.’
The Cazalet Chronicles Collection Page 188