“Let’s just get through the book tour, then we’ll talk about it, alright?”
I nodded but had to bite into my bottom lip to hold back a flurry of words. I didn’t want to get through anything, I wanted to live life to its fullest.
After we checked into the hotel Max took a shower while I found a safe spot to store the ring. I wondered if I should give it back to Aislin. If I wouldn’t ever have children, shouldn’t it go to someone else?
All at once it occurred to me that the abstract notion of being a mother, which had never really drawn my attention before, was now a deep urge. There was no question in my mind any more that I wanted kids. Unfortunately, I suspected that there was no question in Max’s mind that he didn’t.
We spent the next two days exploring more of the countryside. Though we had ample time to discuss it, the topic of having children never came up again.
As we prepared to head back to Dublin, I tucked the ring into my purse. I planned to keep it. If I met a mother, I could give it to her. To my complete surprise it made my eyes mist to think that it would never be me.
Max stuck his head into the hotel room. “Ready?”
“Yes. I have everything.” I smiled at him. He was an amazing man and I was lucky to have him. I wasn’t going to let something like this come between us, either. I put the thought of having children out of my head and settled in for the journey back to Dublin.
Thick silence settled in the car between us. It wasn’t awkward but it was heavy.
Max stopped for gas and while we stretched our legs I checked my e-mail on my phone.
“I just got an e-mail from my contact in Thailand.” I smiled as I showed him the e-mail on my phone.
“Wow, is that her? She looks so young.” Max studied the picture embedded in the e-mail. I hadn’t really noticed it until he’d pointed it out. She was petite and perfect, with bright brown eyes and sweetheart lips. My heart skipped. In general, women in Thailand were very small. I would likely appear a giant to them.
“She’s very pretty.” I studied the picture a little longer.
“Thailand is going to be a big change. No Blarney Stone to kiss.”
“Hopefully not.” I laughed and tucked my phone away.
A laugh could break the tension within me, but it couldn’t erase the insecurity that had cropped up at the thought of being surrounded by petite women. An image of me as Godzilla, stomping my way through a pristine city, with petite women running from me in all directions, flashed through my mind. I dismissed it the moment it did, but my cheeks still burned.
“It’s going to be great.” Max wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. “I love getting to see all of these places with you.”
“Me too.” I lowered my eyes.
“Sammy? Is something wrong?”
“No. I think I’m just nervous about the book signing. Would it be okay if we stayed at the hotel until it’s time to go?”
“Sure, of course. I’ll order dinner.”
“You’re so good to me, Max.”
“You deserve it, Sammy.” He held my gaze. “Never forget that.”
Chapter 27
When we left for the book signing my stomach was in knots. I wasn’t nervous about the event, but about whether I could be open and honest with Max about the sadness that I was suddenly feeling.
As soon as I walked in the door Fiona was there to greet me.
“I saw the picture of your smooch at the Blarney Stone—and heard the story!” She laughed as she slapped my shoulder. “I wish I’d been there to see it.”
“Yes, it was a little embarrassing.” I cringed.
“And great marketing. I’ve got people calling to find out about you. Are you ready for tonight?”
“Yes, I think I am.”
We discussed the flow of the night, then she invited Max and me to go out after the book signing. I thought it might be a good idea for us both to have a little more fun.
“Sounds lovely.”
“I know a great place.”
“I’m sure you do.” I grinned at her and walked toward the podium.
The question and answer session went very smoothly. Then I read a portion of the book and settled at the table to sign autographs. As nice as it was to meet more of my readers, it was nothing like being at Shauna’s. I missed the chaos, the noise, the assortment of opinions, and the laughter.
As the book signing came to a close Fiona walked over to me.
“What a great night. If tomorrow night is this good, then I have to say that this leg of your tour has been very successful.”
“I think so too, thanks to you, Fiona. You did a great job putting this together.”
“Tell me that over some drinks, hm? Now where’s that handsome hubby of yours?”
I laughed and pointed to Max near the back of the room.
As Fiona walked off to introduce herself, I noticed that one of the women who had attended the book signing had a baby in a sling across her chest. My heart softened. Never before had I felt such a pull, but there it was.
Max and Fiona walked back toward me and I shifted my attention from the baby.
“Ready for a night you won’t forget?” Fiona smiled.
“Absolutely.” I wrapped my arm around Max’s and leaned close to him.
He responded with a kiss to my forehead. As much as I wanted that experience of being a mother, I wouldn’t give up the experience of Max with his arms around me.
We traveled to a small club and in no time had joined Fiona on the dance floor.
“Now listen, you two, don’t strain anything trying to keep up with me. I’ve got a bit more experience than the two of you.
Max and I exchanged a grin, then began to dance. It wasn’t long before we showed off the skills we’d learned in Shauna’s living room.
“Wow, I’m impressed. May I cut in?” Fiona tapped my shoulder.
“Is it okay with you, Max?” I met his eyes.
“Sure.” Max smiled at Fiona as she took his hand.
I stood back and watched him dance with Fiona. It impressed me that he treated her with such care. I admired him in ways that I would never be able to fully define. There were no other options for me, only Max. Just as he accepted me and all my strange ways, I knew that I needed to accept him, even if he didn’t ever want to have children.
When Fiona left his side he walked straight over to me. I thought he would pull me back onto the dance floor. Instead he stroked his hands across my cheeks and looked into my eyes.
“Something’s bothering you. What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing, really.” I smiled at him.
“Sammy. I thought we agreed that we were going to be open and honest with each other.”
“We did.” I kissed his cheek. “I’m fine.”
“Look, if you can’t talk to me about it, then just write about it in our journal. Alright? Get it out. Put some words to that look in your eyes, because I want to know every part of you and everything that might be weighing on your mind. Will you do that for me?”
“Yes.” I hugged him. “Yes, I will.”
We spun around the dance floor a few more times before we said goodbye to Fiona. It seemed to me that my entire journey through Ireland had gone by in the blink of an eye. I wanted to savor every last moment I had.
“Can we walk back to the hotel, Max?”
“Sure.” He slid an arm around my waist.
As we walked I took in the lights and activity of Dublin nightlife. It was fascinating to discover new places and meet new people. Having a child would likely limit that. Maybe Max was right and I’d just let myself get caught up in a silly idea.
When we reached the hotel I ran a bath while Max settled at the computer.
Warm water cascaded down over my feet as I settled into the tub. The sound and sensation reminded me of the waterfall. I closed my eyes and recalled the rainbow. There were so many memories throughout our trip that were priceless to me. As the wate
r rose my body began to relax. Yes there was a lot more ahead of us, but as long as we greeted it together, I knew we would be just fine.
Max poked his head into the bathroom. “I’m going to go to bed.”
“Okay, I’ll be out in a little while. Good night, Max. I love you.”
“I love you too.” He closed the door.
Chapter 28
I lingered in the bathtub until the water grew cold, then I wrapped a robe around myself and stepped out of the bathroom. I noticed that Max had left the journal out on my pillow. He was already snoring, but he hadn’t forgotten about his request.
I picked up the journal without any intention of telling the truth. But as I began to write, my emotions flowed. I wrote about my sudden desire for children and the beauty of the connections I’d been seeing around me between mothers and their babies. I wrote about the things that I imagined we could do together as a family. I also wrote about the parts that I was scared of experiencing—labor, the baby getting sick, diaper explosions, and just not being a good enough mother. At the end of all that I’d written, I drew a line and wrote beneath it:
But more than anything, Max, I want you to be happy. Our lives can be full and joyful, regardless of whether or not we have a child. If it’s not what you want, I hope that you will be honest with me.
I slid the journal under his pillow, then settled into mine. With all my emotions out on that piece of paper I was able to fall asleep rather quickly.
When I woke up the next morning Max was already out of bed and in the shower. I looked at his pillow and could see the journal peeking out from under it. Had he read it? Had he forgotten about it?
My nerves felt a bit rattled as I dressed.
When Max emerged from the bathroom he was already dressed.
“Morning, most beautiful woman in Ireland.”
“Ha.”
“Just say thank you.” He kissed my forehead.
“Thank you. Should we get some breakfast?”
“Let’s skip it. We can pick up something when we get there.”‘
“Get where?”
“I signed up for a tour of a castle. How can we be here and not see a castle?”
“Well, we did see a bit of a castle—must I remind you…” I stifled a giggle. “Please don’t let me relive the nightmare of the Blarney Castle.”
“Exactly. That doesn’t count because we never made it past the main event there. My queen needs to get a glimpse of the way it once was.”
“Queen, now?” I laughed. “I think I could get used to this.”
“You should.” He slapped my rear end and pointed to the door. “Now move it, lass.”
“Hm. I think you need to work on your accent.”
“I think I’m going to work on my swatting if you don’t get going.” He arched a brow.
“You’re not scary, Max.”
“Not even a little bit?” He pouted.
“Not even at all.” I laughed.
He grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the door. “The day awaits, let’s greet it.”
I was fairly certain that he hadn’t read the journal. Otherwise, I assumed, we would have been having a much different conversation.
As Max claimed, he’d signed us up for a tour. The bus itself was fairly rickety, but the driver applied the gas in such a delicate way that I didn’t notice a single bump. Max pointed out his favorite spots along the way and I did as well. When the bus came to a stop all of the other tourists on board filed off.
Max held me back for a moment. “I want you to really enjoy this, okay? No worries about Thailand or anything else. Can you do that?”
“Yes, I think I can. As long as I’m with you.”
“Good.” He squeezed my hand.
Once off the bus we had the option of roaming or joining the guided tour. Max and I didn’t even have to discuss what we preferred. We began to roam. Although the castle was mostly intact there were a few places that had crumbled. Max and I competed to take the best picture. Then we started snapping silly selfies in different areas of the castle.
By the time we boarded the bus I was wiped out and the bagel we’d picked up along the way was not holding back the gnawing in my stomach.
As soon as we were off the bus we headed for a pub. Max ordered a Guinness and I decided to join him. As we toasted with our frothy drinks, he looked into my eyes.
“I wish I could give you a castle.”
“I don’t want a castle.” I grinned.
“I still wish I could give you one.”
“I’d rather have this—right now. You and me. That’s all I need.”
“Is it?” He sipped his drink then set it down.
“Sure it is, Max.”
“It doesn’t have to be. You know that, right?”
“What do you mean?” I held my breath, as I hoped that he’d read the journal and decided that he wanted kids after all.
“I mean, I don’t want you to think that you have to appease me in some way. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. If there are things that you want, that you think I won’t agree with, I still want to hear about them.”
“You mean kids?” I gripped the edge of the bar.
“Yes—that and anything else that you’re concerned about.”
“Max, I would never do anything to risk our relationship.”
“But that’s the point—there is no risk. I want you to understand that. Nothing will ever come between us. Don’t you believe that?”
“I’m trying.” I took a long swallow of my drink.
He glanced at his watch. “We have to get going if we’re going to be ready for the book signing, but I want to talk about this more, alright?”
“Sure.” I nodded. “After the tour and after we travel, right?”
“Sammy, don’t.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. “Everything is going to be just fine.”
Chapter 29
I wanted to believe Max, but I wasn’t sure if I should. Why would he just toy with me and not tell me if he’d read the journal? Why wouldn’t he just come right out and say whether or not he wanted to have kids? I tried to put it out of my mind and focus on the book signing.
After a little time I was able to finally get my head back into the game. However, that little bit of beer left me more on edge. All of the old insecurities flooded back over me. They bubbled up, and I couldn’t hold them back.
“Is it the weight, Max?” I blurted the question out as I met his eyes.
“What?” He picked up his laptop bag and slung it over his shoulder. “We have to go.”
“I mean, is that what you’re worried about? That I’ll put too much weight back on? I can work out during the pregnancy.”
“Sammy. You know me better than that.” He leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “And no, of course not, darling. But this isn’t the time to talk about it. Let’s get through this last event here, okay?”
My heart sank. Yes, he’d read the journal. And no, he still didn’t want kids.
When we arrived at the final book signing, I tried to psych myself up for it. There was no need for me to feel insecure. All of these people were there because they appreciated my work and supported me. It should have been a confidence booster. But a crowd was a crowd in that moment, and I clung to Max’s hand. I’m sure he sensed my nervousness but he didn’t say a word. He just squeezed my hand and smiled at me.
Fiona rushed over. “Are you ready for this, Sammy? We’re more packed than we were last night.”
“I’m ready.” I nodded, though I didn’t feel ready at all.
When I walked up on the stage, I noticed that there was a large man sitting in the front row. He held the hand of a petite woman beside him. He drew my attention because it was unusual for a man like him to be one of my readers. I assumed he was there for his girlfriend. I invited questions, and the man’s hand was the first one to shoot up.
“Yes, sir?”
He stared at me with just the corners
of his lips turned upward. I couldn’t tell if he was smiling or smirking.
“While we’re waiting for your new book, my girlfriend and I have been following your blog. I think it’s pretty amazing how you’ve developed your relationship with your husband. What do you think is the key to a good relationship?”
The question surprised me. Of all the things I thought he might ask, that was not one of them.
“I think honesty and communication are the most important things to me. If you can’t trust the one you love, if you can’t be one hundred percent yourself with them, then I don’t see how you can be successful in your relationship.”
“Thank you.” He nodded and sat back down. His girlfriend smiled at him and the two whispered for a moment before the session continued.
After the reading, I sat at the table for quite a long time to sign the books of everyone who’d attended. It wasn’t a tedious activity for me. I looked into the eyes of each reader and offered a smile of gratitude. How could this many people be interested in something that I’d written? It made my confidence soar.
After the crowd cleared out, Fiona caught up to me. “I know this is last-minute, but if you and Max don’t have anything else planned for tonight, I’d love for you to come to my house for dinner. I’ll make you some real Irish stew, not the kind you get at the restaurants.”
“Thanks, Fiona, that would be wonderful. Let me just grab Max.”
Max slid the last chair back into place then smiled at me. “What? More dancing?”
“No, no more dancing.” I rubbed my thigh. “I don’t think I can take any more. Fiona invited us to dinner. Want to go?”
“Sure. I’d love to.”
I almost asked him about the journal. It was on my mind and made it to the tip of my tongue, but I thought it would be best to wait until after we’d visited with Fiona.
We followed Fiona to her home. It was larger than Shauna’s but had the same general layout. As soon as we stepped inside, her two young girls rushed to the door.
Fiona smiled and held up a hand to stop them. “These are my daughters. I’m so glad that they have the chance to meet you. They’re also big fans of your work.”
I looked at the two teenagers and tried not to let my smile crack. Could two girls so young be interested in anything I had to say? “It’s nice to meet you both.”
Sammy in Ireland (Single Wide Female Travels #5) Page 9