“I wish you’d trusted me with this earlier,” Nick muttered to him. “If I’d known, all those years….”
He opened his mouth to say more, then closed it again with a frustrated sigh. Before Ty really registered what was happening, Nick had taken his shoulders in both hands and was kissing him soundly, right there on the street in the middle of Fell’s Point.
Ty flailed, gripping Nick’s elbows for lack of a better place to put his hands. His natural instinct was to pull him closer and deepen the kiss, but this was Nick! This was perhaps his oldest and dearest friend, kissing him without a hint of warning. The most disconcerting thing of all, though, was that it wasn’t Zane pressed against him. Ty found himself returning the kiss tentatively, regardless, as Nick held him tightly and pushed him against the brick wall behind him. Guilt and shock warred for priority over the pleasure of a really amazing kiss in the brief seconds it took for it to end.
Nick abruptly stepped away from him, inhaling sharply. Ty found himself gaping at the man, unsteady as he leaned against the wall and unable to speak or even breathe.
“You ever get tired of waiting for him to come to his senses, you know where to find me,” Nick told him breathlessly.
“Nick,” Ty whispered in supreme confusion.
“I’m sorry. That was a shitty thing to do,” Nick muttered. He put his head down and started walking.
Ty stared after him for a moment before lurching forward to go after him.
“I should probably go back to the hotel instead of… you know, home with you,” Nick said as soon as Ty caught up to him. He was holding out a hand at the row of taxis waiting to take people home when the bars closed down. One of them turned on its lights and began rolling forward.
“O, wait,” Ty pleaded as he grabbed at Nick’s elbow. Nick turned and pulled him closer, kissing him again before Ty could anticipate it. He could feel his body reacting, though, whether he wanted it to or not. Nick delved into Ty’s mouth with a swipe of his tongue before yanking away violently.
Nick pushed him away and put out his hand to stop Ty from coming closer. “God! We never were good at self-control.” He wouldn’t look Ty in the eye. “Just let me go.”
“Okay,” Ty agreed in a stricken voice.
Nick reached for the door of the cab and yanked it open almost angrily. “Oorah, Grady,” he said with a sad smile before he disappeared into the dark car. Ty was left standing alone on the street as the taillights faded off into the night.
TY TRIED to tell himself he didn’t need to go home to Zane tonight. It was cruel to have alcohol on his breath around Zane, and he’d already done it once this week. His other choices were a hotel or Zane’s apartment, but Ty had been drinking, so he couldn’t drive, and he didn’t want to have to catch a cab. Mostly, he really didn’t need Zane to hear the guilt and confusion and myriad of other emotions Ty knew he wouldn’t be able to keep out of his voice. He should just call Zane, tell him he and the guys were crashing at a hotel, hole up for the night, and pretend nothing had happened when he woke up hungover.
But he knew he couldn’t do that.
When he got home, he was still warring with himself over whether he should even tell Zane about what had happened tonight. He’d outed not only himself, but Zane as well, without truly thinking it through. And then there was the kiss.
It wasn’t like Ty had ever been celibate. Zane knew he’d gotten around and wasn’t shy about sex. But Ty had never been with anyone he’d hidden from Zane, and since they’d been partnered permanently, Ty hadn’t been with anyone else, period. Ty knew it was just a simple kiss, but for him there was no gray area when it came to sex. Either you cheated or you didn’t.
He didn’t believe Zane was fucking anyone else, but just the thought made Ty cringe. It seemed so unlikely, since they were together so much… but really they weren’t. Obstacles and commitments separated them every day: different projects at work, the softball league, AA meetings, Ty’s running and Zane’s weightlifting, various and sundry other off-hours pursuits. Throw in the very necessary secrecy that shrouded their relationship, and it was kind of amazing that they were still together at all. But they were, every night that work allowed, despite everything that tried to divide them.
Ty didn’t know if Zane wanted his loyalty, but he had it nonetheless. Semper Fi.
The real question Ty found himself grappling over was how Zane would take it when he told him about tonight. Would he see it as a threat? Emotional blackmail? Ty didn’t think so, but he’d found there were still times he couldn’t predict how Zane would react.
It was dark and quiet in the house. Zane must have gone to bed. A wave of desperate relief washed over Ty, and within minutes he was sitting on the back step with a cheap cigar and a couple of bottles to help extend the buzz and ward off the winter chill.
Uncounted minutes later, his entire body still pinged pleasantly, courtesy the two hard lemonades on top of the beer he’d had at the bar. He was just drunk enough that he didn’t have to think too hard about what had happened tonight anymore. He held the cheap cigar in his fingers, puffing on it occasionally and blowing smoke rings into the dark. He didn’t like to smoke the good ones when he was drunk. It seemed a waste.
The door behind him creaked open, drawing Ty’s attention, and he closed his eyes as Zane stepped out onto the stoop. Nerves assaulted him all over again.
“Ty?” Zane asked hesitantly.
“Yeah, I’m here,” he answered immediately, not even entertaining the idea of not doing so. He had yet to take advantage of his partner’s inability to see, even for fun and games. He wasn’t about to start now.
Zane stepped just outside the door. “I smelled the cigar. You guys have a good time?”
Ty lowered his head as another wave of guilt and anger and regret and desire coursed through him. It was such a wash of confusing emotions he wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it, and the alcohol wasn’t helping. He looked back up and took another drag of the cigar, holding in the fragrant smoke and then exhaling heavily. Smoke billowed out in front of him. “I outed myself tonight,” he told Zane in a marginally surprised voice.
Zane’s eyes widened as his unfocused gaze shifted in Ty’s direction. “What?”
“I told them,” Ty said in the same shocked voice as he looked up at Zane. “About us. There was this pretty little waitress and….” He shook his head and looked off to the side, as if trying to figure out how it had happened. “I told them I wasn’t interested,” he tried to explain before putting the cigar to his lips again. He looked down, embarrassed to have to say it again. “They called me on it, and I told them I was in love.”
Zane shifted uncomfortably as he slid his hands into his pockets. He didn’t have a jacket on, just a thin, long-sleeved Henley. “How’d they take it?”
Ty shook his head, looking at the cigar with a heavy feeling that settled deep in his chest. He couldn’t shake the memory of the look of disgust and anger on Owen’s face.
“Owen stormed out of the bar,” he answered in a hoarse voice, pushing those feelings away for another day. “Apparently being gay makes you incapable of having someone’s back in a fight,” he said bitterly. Zane’s shoulders stiffened, and he frowned deeply, his lips pressing together hard. Ty nodded, flushing and looking away from Zane again. “The others took it pretty well,” he went on, swallowing heavily. “Kelly was… very interested in the logistics of it all.”
He took another long drag. He didn’t plan on telling Zane what the other men thought of him. He knew Zane hadn’t been in top form when they’d met him. He knew that wasn’t the real Zane they’d seen, the Zane that Ty loved.
He closed his eyes, heat coursing through him once more as he remembered the way Nick’s lips had felt against his. The embrace had felt right, in a way, at the same time as it felt so very wrong to be kissing anyone but Zane.
But two years ago, if Nick had kissed him like that….
Ty shook his head to push away that line
of thought. He could torture himself endlessly with uncertainties and questions. Should he tell Zane what had happened? Would it sound like a threat? Would it seem like Ty was giving him an ultimatum? Tell me you love me, too, or I’m leaving?
Ty didn’t want that, and he would never do that. But not telling Zane about the kiss felt just as wrong. It felt like… cheating.
“Nick kissed me,” he blurted to Zane as he looked up at him.
Zane froze utterly, like he did when he was very upset… or very angry. Then he tipped his head just a bit, the motion indicating he wanted Ty to keep talking.
Ty shook his head, still in slight disbelief over the tale he was relating. He was sure he wouldn’t have been able to do it if Zane could actually see him. “We were walking home because he was sort of… I thought he was drunk, but….” He trailed off and shook his head again, unable to meet Zane’s sightless eyes as his cheeks flushed. “One minute he was ranting about risking your life for your country and being able to tell your friends the truth, and the next he was looking at me… and he kissed me,” he rambled helplessly, telling the story with a variety of hand motions and numb, helpless looks up at Zane.
“And then?” Zane asked softly.
Ty stared at Zane’s blank face, wondering at the emotionless reaction. It was like he was just relating another night on the town to his partner, instead of telling his lover about a kiss shared with someone else. He knew closing off like this was how Zane reacted to being devastated, but it still hurt Ty deeply. Why did Zane still have to hide from him?
It took him a long, painful moment to push the twisting sensation in his gut back down.
Somewhere out there Nick O’Flaherty was lying in a hotel bed alone, wondering if he’d done the right thing, hoping Ty would call him, hoping Ty wouldn’t call him, thinking about what might have happened if they’d just told each other the truth eight years ago when they’d been discharged. Somewhere out there was a man Ty didn’t have to put up a front of strength for. Someone he didn’t have to fight with day in and day out. Someone he’d always liked and respected. Someone he didn’t love but could surely fuck until sunup every night and no doubt be happy and angst-free with for the rest of his life. Nick and Zane were as different as the sun and the moon.
Ty put the cigar to his lips and inhaled slowly, his eyes losing focus as he stared out at the lights of the city. He couldn’t tell Zane what Nick had actually said. When Ty got tired of waiting for Zane. It revealed too much about Ty and how well he knew his plodding partner, how long he would just hang around and wait. Zane should be allowed the delusion that he still had secrets, right?
He looked up at Zane guardedly. His cheeks flushed, and a wave of inexplicable loneliness coursed through him. “He just said I knew where to find him.”
When Zane flinched, Ty caught a glimpse of emotion flashing across his face. It could have been pain, but it could just as easily have been anger. Or jealousy. Or Ty’s own drunken imagination. It didn’t make Ty feel any better.
“You’ve been friends a long time,” Zane finally said, his voice noncommittal.
Ty hung his head, his eyes closed as he puffed on the cheap cigar. He had agonized over whether to tell him, and Zane didn’t really seem to care one way or the other. That, or he was hiding his emotions behind that same damn mask, and what was the point? Would he ever get to a point where he could just be with Ty and not hide anything?
“Yes, we have,” he finally murmured sadly.
Ty stayed where he was, sitting on the lower step with his head hanging, afraid to move or open his mouth again for fear of what he might do or say. He had put so much of himself on the line these last few weeks, getting so little in return. Less than nothing, really, since he’d lost an old friend and gained a myriad of new problems.
When Zane shifted his weight and pulled the screen door open so he could walk back inside, leaving Ty alone on the stoop, Ty couldn’t let him go. Dammit, he needed someone to let him be weak just once, someone to let him break down.
“Zane?” Ty said shakily, his voice agonized and miserable. He breathed in deeply, trying to regain control of his emotions. One thing he did know for certain: he would get on his knees and beg Zane not to leave him alone tonight. He let out a gust of air, and when he spoke, his voice was calm. “I know I smell like cheap beer and cigar smoke,” he told Zane as he stared out into the night. “But I just….”
He lowered his head and closed his eyes in embarrassment, unable to finish the request.
For a moment there was silence, and then the creak and snap of the screen door shutting. Zane’s shoes scraped on the concrete of the stoop. He stood there, waiting. “You just what?” he asked, his voice rough in the still night air.
Ty turned his head, breath catching. His buzz was long gone, and his body was left trembling with nerves and emotions that he usually ignored or avoided. He could feel his breathing, uneven and difficult, and he knew his heart was absolutely pounding. He thought maybe Zane would be able to feel his racing pulse if he got any closer.
So many times he’d held his tongue, embarrassed to open up to Zane. So many times he’d chosen to be the hardass, the one who supposedly didn’t feel anything, the rock for Zane’s more volatile mood swings. It had worked for them. It had worked for him. Now it seemed like the house of cards was crashing down around him, and he was just as tired of hiding himself as he was of Zane doing it.
He closed his eyes and took one deep, calming breath, then stood and turned to look at his partner. “I really need a friend tonight, Garrett,” he said roughly, determined to keep himself from breaking down, at least for tonight. At least until Zane’s sight was back and they could put this chapter behind them. “You think you can handle that for me?”
After a moment’s pause in the silence, Zane took a step to the side, pulled the screen door open, and held out his hand.
THEY lay curled on their sides, Zane behind Ty with his arm over Ty’s waist as he waited for his breathing to slow and his pulse to calm. Ty had shocked him tonight. Scared him.
Coming out to his Recon team—and then admitting he was in love—Zane couldn’t even imagine what kind of pressure Ty had felt. And on top of that, admitting who he loved? Zane was sure that hadn’t gone quite as well as Ty had glossed over. They were his best friends, but he’d kept a pretty major secret from them for a long time, and the man he said he loved was a stranger to them. Not the best of situations.
And Nick. Nick, who’d invited him to dinner with the rest of the Recon team. Nick, who had been Ty’s best friend since boot camp, who understood what Ty had lived and how to deal with him. Who had heard about Zane and made his own move to give Ty an alternative.
Zane knew why. As he tightened his arms around Ty and pressed his forehead to Ty’s shoulder, he knew why.
Zane had wanted Ty since he’d met him, and every time chaos had crashed down on them—separation after the Tri-State case, Ty’s near-death experience in the mountains, the danger on the cruise ship, even Ty telling Zane that he loved him—that attachment had grown more intense, despite every doubt and fear and weakness Zane took into consideration.
But Nick’s attachment to Ty might be even stronger.
Zane didn’t think he could bear to lose Ty now. He loved Ty. Painfully. Desperately. But now wasn’t the time to finally get his head out of his ass and admit it, not after what Ty had said tonight. Ty would see it as a reaction to external pressure, not an honest feeling from the heart, and Zane’s words would be set aside like the first time he had said them, slow dancing in Ty’s arms.
As his unseeing eyes burned, Zane thought very seriously he might cry.
Chapter Twelve
THE next morning was a Sunday, and Ty headed to the hotel to say goodbye to Nick and the others. It was time for them to leave, and though Ty hadn’t been able to spend much time with them, there was just too much going on for him to feel good about them staying in town. Not to mention the ramifications of his confe
ssion. Owen wouldn’t speak to him, avoiding him under the auspices of last minute packing. Ty’d had trouble looking Nick in the eye, but he had forced himself to do it, recognizing the same awkwardness in his best friend.
“Ty,” Nick said uncomfortably when he pulled Ty aside. “I’m sorry. What I did, it was shitty and selfish, and I wish I could take it back.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Ty told him, wishing Nick would just pretend it had never happened, like so many of the other things they never spoke of.
Nick shook his head. “I just—I need… to tell you this, okay?”
Ty nodded with trepidation, wondering what could be harder for Nick to say than anything that had happened last night.
“I’ve loved you since the day you sat next to me on the bus to Parris Island,” Nick blurted.
Ty blinked at him, unable to do anything more.
“And I was going to tell you when we finished our last tour. I planned it out every night in my head.” Ty started to speak, but Nick stopped him. “But then the helo went down. And… what happened to us….”
Ty closed his eyes, immediately assaulted with memories he’d spent years repressing. They hit him like a physical blow. Flashes of chains and dull instruments, peeling plaster in a dark cell, making marks on a ceiling so low he didn’t have to stand to reach it.
Nick stopped talking.
Ty opened his eyes to find the same haunted look in Nick’s eyes that he could feel seeping through himself.
“I will always be your friend, Ty,” Nick practically gasped. They hugged, a tremble going through both of them before they let each other go.
What they had been through together—there was nothing that could break that bond. There was also nothing that could turn that bond into something else, and in that moment, they both knew it.
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