The moment when I become the biggest regret in his life full of regrets.
Chapter Seven
Jay
“DO YOU want me to take you back to your truck?” Brighton asks.
His words force me to open my eyes for the first time since we left Sadie’s house so I can look at him. “What?”
He takes his eyes off the road to glance at me and they look cold, which isn’t a look I’ve seen in them before. “You ready to go back to your truck?”
“Why the hell would I go back to my truck?”
He looks at me again, and this time he looks confused. “Are you having a moment?”
“A moment? What the hell does that mean?” I laugh. “Yeah, I’m having a pretty big fucking moment. I just broke that poor girl’s heart.” I pull my fingers through my hair again. I can’t stand the fact that I did that to her. I can’t stand the way she looked at me. I’m mad at myself for expecting more from her—expecting her to accept me regardless of the fact that I’ve been messing with her emotions and lying to her. “Shit,” I mutter again, leaning my head against the seat and looking up at the ceiling.
Then another thought occurs to me. “And I think I just officially came out of the closet. I mean, you don’t really count, right?” I turn my head to Brighton and can feel the corners of my mouth lifting despite the fact that I don’t feel like I deserve to feel any kind of happiness right now.
He glances at me a few more times before he finally returns my smile. “Shit,” he says as his truck comes to a stop. “I thought you were having the moment.”
“The moment?”
“You know, the one where you decide you’re not gay and you tell me to fuck off and I become your dirty little secret.”
I sit up and furrow my eyebrows at him. “Are you serious?”
“Don’t look at me like that. It’s not an unreasonable assumption.”
“Jesus. So you’re still looking at me like I’m some dumb jock asshole?”
He pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head. “Shit. Yeah, I guess I was considering it. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” I tease. “So what do you gotta do when you say the S word?”
He cocks his head at me. “Wait… are you pissed off at me or not?”
I shrug and enjoy the worried expression on his face for a second. “Naw. I mean, hell, with the shit I’ve been dumping on you today, I guess you could probably expect anything out of me. But not that. I’m not doing the whole secret thing anymore. The dirty part… maybe,” I add as I look out the window and see where we are.
“See, I knew it. You got a dirty mind on you.”
“No, you’ve got the dirty mind. I’m talking about actual dirt. Come on.” I step out of the Bronco that’s now parked behind my truck.
“What are you doing?”
I open my truck and get my equipment bag out. “You want to play some ball?”
“Are you kidding me? That’s what you want to do right now, play ball?”
“What else am I gonna do?”
“I don’t know, cry into a quart of Ben and Jerry’s?”
“I’m gay, not a woman,” I tell him, walking to the path that leads back to the rocket park where our day began.
“So maybe you are a dumb jock asshole?”
“Huh?” I turn around, walking backward, so I can look at him.
“Your comment about women. It was kind of douchey.”
“What? Why? That’s what women do when they’re sad, don’t they? Eat ice cream and cry? That’s what my mom does. And all the women on TV.”
“You’re generalizing. Like all gay guys are feminine.”
I roll my eyes. “Fine, I’m a dumb asshole. Maybe you can fix me.”
He’s walking a few inches from me now. He reaches out and grabs ahold of my waist, pulling me to him and kissing me softly on my lips. I kiss him back, thinking about the comment he made earlier about how some people’s kisses are compatible. We definitely have that. “I don’t think you need fixing.”
“So you like dumb assholes?”
“Maybe I do.” He laughs, letting go of my waist and turning me around. I grab his hand as we walk down the path and he looks at it—our hands—and then smiles at me. “So baseball, huh?”
“Yeah. As a dumb jock, this is what I do when I’m feeling stressed out. What about you? What do you do?”
“Music. Definitely music.”
“Maybe we can try that next… if this doesn’t work,” I suggest. I would be damn happy if he just wanted to go chill at his house. Because, yeah, I want to be the guy that he can lie on his bed and listen to music with. I want to have dinner with his family, even if his mom’s cooking. I want to see him in a damn suit.
“Maybe,” he tells me with a wink.
When we get to the old baseball diamond, I drop my bag and unzip it. “Can you pitch?”
“Of course I can pitch. Despite the fact that I’m gay.”
“Shut up. That’s not what I meant. You don’t play sports.”
“I know that’s not what you meant. You’re just so fun to mess with. Cooper plays ball, which means I spend a lot of time practicing with him.”
I throw my bats on the ground and hand him one of my gloves and the bag of balls. “You’re a good older brother, huh?”
“I like hanging out with him and Paisley so, yeah, I guess I am. What about you?”
I walk to where home plate used to be, and Brighton walks to where a mound should be and drops the bag. “I don’t know if I’m a good older brother or not. Tyson doesn’t really give me a lot of opportunities to find out. He’s moody as hell and spends most of his time locked up in his room.”
He pitches me the ball and it’s no strike, but I manage to hit it anyway. “How old is he?”
“Fifteen. He’ll be sixteen next month, and then I’m guessing I won’t see him at all once he has the freedom to leave the house whenever he wants.” The next pitch is better and I hit it to the edge of the playground.
“Good one,” he says before pitching another ball. “Has he always been like that? Distant?”
“No. We used to be pretty close, but you know how it goes—middle school hits, you get a whole new set of friends, which in his case I’m pretty sure were a group of aliens skilled at lobotomies because overnight he turned into a different kid completely.”
I think about that as I keep hitting the balls Brighton’s throwing me. I love the way it feels when my bat connects. I love the crack it makes when it hits the sweet spot. I love the way my body feels when it’s fully extended. My brain vacates. I’m all feel and no thought.
But this is a different kind of cleansing, like I’m finally seeing clearly. “I think he’s probably on something. He’s definitely smoking and drinking.” Shit. There’s another thing I’ve been lying to myself about. “God, this clarity shit sucks.”
Brighton laughs. “It’s hard being the older brother. I worry about Cooper and Paisley all the time.”
“That’s the thing,” I say, taking a break, letting my bat hang by my feet. “I don’t worry about him enough. I’ve been living inside my fucked-up, confused head, not worrying about anything but myself.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Jay. You realize that, don’t you?”
He walks across the dirt to me and takes the bat from my hands. I let it go and head to the bag of balls. “I don’t think that’s true. I mean, I haven’t been taking any responsibility for my own life.” I pitch to him, and he hits it easily. God, this kid really can do anything. It’s a little annoying. “And like I said earlier, existing in your shadow just makes all my flaws obvious.”
“I think what you’ve been doing today is pretty amazing. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to do it. Existing in your shadow isn’t easy either.” I look at him skeptically. He swings at my next pitch and misses. “See, I’m not perfect.”
“You missed on purpose.”
“I don’t fuck up on purpose
.” He connects with my next pitch and hits it to the outfield. “When’s your next game?”
“Why? You gonna come watch me play?”
“If you want me to.”
“Yeah, that’d be cool.” I can’t keep the goofy grin off my face. “You should bring Cooper. There’s some hot high school girls that he might be interested in.” He misses my next pitch.
“That’s not funny, Jay. I swear to God he’s gonna knock some girl up before he’s a teenager.”
“Uncle Brighton… that has a nice ring to it. Or would it be Uncle Brighty? Or Uncle Bri?”
“Funny. I can’t help that my name naturally lends itself to alterations. You have any nicknames?”
“Jay is my nickname.”
“Really?” he asks, relaxing his position and looking at me. “Are you trying to tell me I don’t even know your damn name?”
“I guess there’s probably a lot you don’t know about me.”
“Well, obviously, but your name is probably something I should know by now.”
“It’s Jayden.”
“Jayden,” he says slowly, like he’s testing it out. “I like it. It’s cute. Not as cute as Brighton obviously, but it’s good. Anyone ever call you that?”
“No. Never. Not even my parents.”
“Can I call you it sometimes if I feel like it?”
“If you feel like it?”
“Yeah, like if you’re naughty, I can say, get to my room right now, Jayden…. What’s your middle name?”
“Thomas.”
“Thomas, wow, super formal. Get to my room, Jayden Thomas Hall.”
“You’re big into punishment, huh?”
“Maybe I’m into torture.”
“I’ve been tortured by you already. It’s not fun.”
“It’s kind of fun.”
“Trust me, it’s not. But being tortured in your bedroom might be something I could get into.”
“See, you want it. The whole bondage experience.”
“Are you equipped to show me that?”
“Oh, for sure. I got all kinds of paraphernalia in my parents’ house—sex swing, whips, chains, tie-ups—store it all in my closet.” He laughs and I’m relieved. I can’t handle any more pieces of his life that my sheltered ass doesn’t know anything about.
My phone rings, and I force myself to pull it out of my pocket, therefore taking my eyes off Brighton. “It’s Sadie.”
“Well, answer it.”
“Okay, bossy,” I tell him with a smile. I hit the Answer button and hesitantly say, “Hey,” like it’s a question.
“Hi, Jay.” I wince at the sadness in her voice.
“How are you?”
“Um, I guess I don’t really know still. I just… I feel bad about how I reacted. It was kind of a shock, you know?”
“Yeah, of course I know. And you don’t have to feel bad. I’m the one who should feel bad.”
“No, you shouldn’t,” she says adamantly. “It’s hitting me right now—what you must be going through. This all has to be so hard for you. Telling me had to have been really hard, and I realize now that you didn’t have to do that. You could have just broken up with me with some lie, and I appreciate you being honest with me. I appreciate you trusting me with this.”
“I’m lucky that I have someone like you, you know, that I can be honest with and trust. This whole thing is shitty, and you’re probably still raw and angry, but if you can ever get past this, Sadie, I would really like to find a way to keep you in my life. I still love you. You still mean a lot to me.”
“Yeah, of course, Jay. And I’m not angry. At least I don’t think I am. I just feel a little stunned I guess.”
“Yeah,” I mutter, “I’m kind of feeling the same way.”
She’s silent for a few moments, and I can picture her biting on her bottom lip like she does when she’s thinking. “Now that you told me, I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised. You never pressured me to have sex, or to do anything actually. And we definitely spent more time talking than we ever did making out. I thought I had found the sweetest most respectful guy in the world. But oh God.” She pauses to laugh, and there’s no anger or bitterness in it. “You were just gay. I’m blind, aren’t I?”
I laugh too. “I tried really hard to convince you otherwise. You’re not blind. And, just so you know, it wasn’t torture or anything. I like the way you feel in my arms. Whoever you end up with is one lucky guy. What you said about giving up your virginity… don’t do that. Don’t change for anyone.”
“God, why do you have to be so sweet? And it’s true what they say, isn’t it? The hottest ones are always gay.”
I smirk at that. I’m officially on that list. “You’re pretty sweet yourself.”
“So, can I ask, who else you’ve told?”
“No one. I mean, Brighton obviously, but other than him, just you.”
“Are you going to tell people? I mean, your friends and your parents—are you going to tell them?”
“Yeah, I guess. I have to.”
“Wow,” she says. “How do you think that’s gonna go?”
“Umm… I’m gonna take a wild guess and say not well.”
“Yeah, I think you’re probably right.”
We’re silent for a few moments. I don’t know what else to say to her. It’s not like I can segue into a light conversation about her plans for the rest of the weekend or ask how her parents are doing.
“I’m here for you, Jay, you know if you need help talking to them or anything like that. I think I really want to help you through this if that’s something you need.”
I let out a relieved breath. “Thanks, Sadie. Seriously, I can’t tell you how good it is to hear that. I’m not sure how many people are going to stick around after I drop this bomb.”
“I promise, you’ll always have me. It’s going to be okay. People will get over it eventually. Your parents are still gonna love you. It’s going to be okay.”
“I’m starting to realize that most of the people I surround myself with aren’t people who really give a shit about me anyway. As long as you and my parents stick around, I think you’re right—I’m gonna be okay.”
“Good. I mean, I’m glad you’re staying so positive. Promise you’ll call me whenever you need someone to talk to. Or just call me so that I know you’re still part of my life.”
“Yeah, of course. I love you, Sadie.”
“I love you too, Jay.”
I smile into the phone until she disconnects. I take a few deep breaths, trying to absorb it all, before heading to Brighton, who has made his way over to the edge of the playground, picking up balls on the way. I walk to one of the swings and sit down, and he joins me. “How’d it go?”
“Really good. She seemed a lot better. She said she’s not angry, just in shock.”
Brighton laughs at that. “Makes sense.”
“Yeah.” My smile slowly fades away as I think of her. “She’s such a good person. This would have been a whole lot easier if I were dating some mean, selfish bitch. I should have come out when I was with Collette.” I force a laugh, but I’m not really feeling it. “She told me she’ll be there for me. That I can talk to her. She said she’d help me talk to my parents if I need her to.”
“That’s good. It means you didn’t lose her. You might be surprised by how many people will surprise you.”
“Yeah,” I agree, trying not to think about it too hard. I know I can’t live in denial of what I’m gonna have to do if I really want to live my own life for once, but thinking about what I’m up against is exhausting.
“What time is it?”
Shit. Why is he asking me that? Does he have somewhere to go? Is he gonna leave me? I panic instantly. I need him right now, way too damn much, I realize, but shit, I really don’t want to be by myself. And right now he’s the only one I want to be with. I pull my phone out of my pocket and cringe when I see how late it is. “Five fifty-two.” Normally, I would have said six, but I�
��m hoping the fact that it’s still five will make a difference.
“Seven hours ago we were sitting right there.” Brighton nudges his chin to the other side of the park where the bench is. “You were a totally different kid when you showed up here. You were living a completely different life. It’s kind of crazy how much shit you’ve been through today. How much you’ve accomplished.”
“Was that seriously today? God, that doesn’t even seem possible.”
“When you were walking down that trail to meet me, what were you thinking?”
“Um… I was totally freaking the hell out. It’s all a little hazy actually. I think I got here on autopilot. I definitely had a moment, as I parked my truck, where I almost turned around.”
“It’s crazy, isn’t it, how one little decision can completely change your life?”
“Totally. I almost turned around.” I stutter a disbelieving laugh at that, and a sense of panic runs through me. Thank God I didn’t do that. “And then I saw you, kicked back on that bench, staring up into the sun with your hands behind your head, and I wanted what you had. I wanted to be able to just sit and relax and enjoy the sun and to just stop thinking and questioning and hating myself.”
“And then you walked up to me, and I saw that look on your face, and I almost left you here. And then you smiled at me. Thank God I didn’t leave you. That would have been a life-changing mistake.”
“For me?”
“For me. I wouldn’t have had today. I wouldn’t have gotten to know the real you. It’s been a pretty amazing day, Jay. I’ve had some amazing days in my life, but I gotta say, this one might top the list. And it’s not even close to over.”
I smile at him and relief floods my body. “So you like my smile?”
“I fucking love your smile. And the way you run your hands over your face and through your hair when you’re stressed out. I love you in my clothes. I like that your hat is still laying on my bed. I like the fact that you’re not afraid to be vulnerable. I love how strong you are. I like how much you love Sadie. It’s kind of cute when you get jealous. I really like watching you hit baseballs. Oh, and the baseball pants—love them too. I like that our mouths communicate well…. I don’t know Jay, so far I like pretty much everything about you.”
Riding with Brighton Page 10