I grab his face and bring his lips to mine. God, this is a fantastic way to wake up. I’ve always been a fan of morning make-out sessions, and if it’s with Jay, even better. But just as I get into our lazy morning mash-up, he pushes off me. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”
“I don’t care,” I say, pulling him back down to me.
“I’m pretty sure your dad is out there. I can hear his whistling, and he’s banging shit around kind of loudly.”
“Shit,” I mutter, sitting up and grabbing my phone.
“It’s almost two o’clock,” he says.
“Damn, I slept good with you.”
“Your mom’s gonna be pissed.”
“Naw,” I tell him. “I left her that note. She’ll get it.”
“I feel bad.”
“Don’t. It’s all good. But if my dad’s down here banging around in the music studio, I guess that means it’s time to get up.”
“Yeah,” he mutters, and I can hear the stress in his voice.
“You can stay here if you want.” I run my hand over his chest, wanting to hold on and keep him here.
“Yeah, I want. But I can’t put this off. I gotta head home and deal with reality.”
“Okay,” I sigh, my body already taking on some of his anxiety. It sucks that he has to do this. “Do you want me to go with you?”
He laughs. “I don’t think that will help my cause. I mean, it’s one thing for my family to hear the words, but to see me with you right now probably wouldn’t be helpful.”
“It’s gonna be okay. No matter what happens today, it’s gonna be okay.”
“You’re gonna stay with me, right? I mean, when I show up at school on Monday, things are gonna be the same between us, just like they are now. We’re not gonna just be friends or whatever.”
“Nothing’s gonna change,” I assure him. “Right now, you’re all that matters. I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”
“Right now I just need you by my side. I’m scared to even leave you. I don’t know how I’m gonna do any of this without you.”
“Whatever you need from me, I’ll give it to you. I promise.”
He props himself on his arm so that he’s staring at me. “I’m not gonna be like this forever… I mean, so needy and shit. I’m sorry I have to be like this right now.”
“Stop, okay. You’re not needy. This is scary shit you’re dealing with. I’m part of it, Jay. I went through it with you. I feel what you’re feeling. I want to do this with you. If I could go with you today, I would. Don’t worry about me. I want you to need me because I need you too. We’re in this together, all right?”
“Yeah, all right. But can you promise me everything’s gonna be good? I’m gonna go home, my family will have spent the day thinking about how much they love me and how cool it is that I’m gay, and then when I show up at school on Monday, there’s gonna be a morning assembly celebrating my gayness?”
“I guarantee it.”
He stares at me for a minute, then laughs. “All right.”
I watch as he gets out of bed, and as I look at him, I’m struck again by how much I care about the kid. I really wish I could make this all easy and perfect for him.
“Mind if I put your clothes back on?”
“Help yourself.” Climbing out of bed, I throw on my sweats.
He pulls on my jeans, T-shirt, and hoodie, then gathers his baseball clothes in his arms. There’s a sinking feeling in my gut. This is really happening.
I pull on a T-shirt, then cross the room and wrap him up in my arms. “I don’t want to let you go.”
“Really? Because I can’t wait to get the hell out of here and go discuss my sexual orientation with my family.”
“You can come back whenever you want to. I’ll be waiting for you to call me.”
“No matter how shit goes down, maybe I should tell Mickey I got kicked out. I’ve never woken up like that before—my limbs all tangled up with someone else’s, their scent covering me, pretty sure I’m still dreaming until I hear some man whistling Dixie and dropping something heavy on the ground, then cursing for five minutes straight.”
I smile at him. I’m always smiling at him. “I’ve never woken up with someone in my bed either. I like being woken up by your mouth.”
“Okay.” He pushes me off him. “Your dad. Your mom. We need to get out of this room.”
“Yeah, we do,” I reluctantly agree before letting him go and walking out the door.
I can hear my dad banging around in the studio still, so I call out, “We’re up, Dad. You can chill out now.”
“Thank God,” he yells back. “I’m causing some serious harm to your boards in here.”
We head upstairs, and the house is quiet. I bring Jay into the kitchen and hand him a protein bar and pour him a glass of juice.
“Where is everyone?” he asks.
“I’m guessing in the yard. There’s no chance my mom isn’t lurking somewhere nearby.”
“I seriously feel like an asshole for sleeping in your bed last night.”
“Seriously, don’t. I explained it to her. She likes you, and she knows I’m irresistible.”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah… really.” I smirk.
“Is there even a point to me trying to pretend like that’s not true? I mean, if I find some defense to your seductive powers and figure out how to be something other than a lovesick puppy, would you believe it?”
“Nope,” I tell him.
“Fine. Whatever. Okay, I’m gonna go. Wish me luck.”
“I’ll walk you out.”
He nods at me, but the stress is overtaking his features. I walk to him and run my fingers through his hair, then hold on to the sides of his face. “Remember the things you told us last night, okay? You traded all that bad shit in. Today’s the first day of the rest of your life. No matter what happens, you can always come back here, to me.” I kiss him then, gently, feeling his warm, wet lips between mine. His lips move so easily with mine, his tongue is lazy and relaxed. No matter how he kisses me, it always has the same effect—I want more. I don’t want to stop. I want to keep feeling this forever.
He pulls away. “That right there is worth everything. I would trade anything for that.”
“Get home so you can come back to me.”
“Going,” he says, pushing me off him and walking to the front door.
Mom and Paisley are in the front garden. When they see us, they both smile. Mom stands and takes her gloves off before walking to us. With her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face, she asks, “Did you two sleep well?”
“I’m sorry about that,” Jay starts to tell my mom, but she cuts him off.
“Don’t apologize. It’s okay. I know how persuasive this one can be,” she says, staring at me, trying to look disappointed, but I can tell she’s not. “Are you heading home?”
“Yeah. Thanks for letting me stay.”
“Really, Jay, it’s not a problem. I’m sure things are going to go just fine today, but you’re always welcome here. In the spare bedroom. You’re cute, Brighton, but I’m only gonna fall for that Mama’s boy routine once.”
She’s talking about the letter I left her. And I know she believes what she’s saying, but there are perks to being the firstborn. She can’t resist me. I hug her and snuggle into her neck.
“Stop,” she says with a laugh.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I love you.”
“Do you see how he works? You should be paying close attention. He’ll take advantage of your soft spot and use his cute little face to get away with murder.”
“I’m getting that,” Jay says, snickering.
“Come with me for a second.” Grabbing him by the elbow, she drags him toward the door. “I have something for you.”
I start to follow them, but my mom gives me a look letting me know I should stay. So I do.
They’re only gone for a few minutes, and when they walk back out the door, they’re both smiling. Mom goes bac
k to her garden, and I walk Jay to his truck. “Call me,” I tell him. “As soon as you can. I’m gonna be worried until I hear from you.”
“Got it.” He grins. He seems more relaxed now. He grabs my face, gives me a quick kiss, and then shuts his door.
I watch as he backs out of the driveway and heads down the street.
When I can no longer see him, the worry starts to creep in. I don’t like this—him on his own, facing all this shit without me. I don’t like watching him go.
Chapter Seventeen
Jay
I TAKE a deep breath and walk through the door. Inside, it’s completely silent. Which isn’t odd, but for a moment I think maybe they’re gone, and I’m actually a little disappointed. I want to see them, and I want them to understand. I want to know how they feel about all of this. I want to help Tyson understand that the world’s not ending just because he’s got a gay brother.
As I make my way through the massive foyer and into the kitchen, I see my parents in the breakfast nook. One look at Mom and it’s clear she’s been up all night crying. It makes me sad that she thinks this is sad. I mean, I get it obviously, but I’m so damn happy. I wish she could feel that. I wish she could see the difference.
“Hey, son,” my dad says.
“Hey, Dad.” As my eyes shift to him I can see the stress on his face, but he’s trying to smile through it. He stands and comes to me, then wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight. Like he did when we found out his dad died. Like we just got the worst news. About a death. And now is the time to band together and hug really hard. “I didn’t die,” I say, hugging him back as if I did die because I need him right now, and this hug feels really damn good. He still loves me. He’s here for me.
He laughs and pats my back, and I smile. But then I see my mom. She’s staring at us with disgust. I’m not kidding—it’s pure disgust. She stands and flees for the back door. “Mom,” I call, pushing out of Dad’s arms.
He holds tight to my shoulder. “You’re gonna have to give her time. She’s not ready to accept it yet.”
I stare at the now-vacant spot at the table, my chest aching. “Yeah, okay.” I take a seat at the island feeling like I can no longer stand. Dad joins me. He pats me on the leg and gives me an uncomfortable smile. “I’m guessing you’ve had a hell of a night.”
He stutters a laugh. “Yeah, it was a little chaotic. I didn’t really have a chance to think about it myself until those two finally worked themselves into exhaustion.”
“You seem like you’re handling it okay?”
He smiles at me, and it’s less forced this time. “I am. I don’t really know what to say to you about it. Personally, it doesn’t really change anything for me. Your mom’s been preparing me for this day since long before you were born. It’s almost a relief to have it over with.”
I feel my head snap back and my face pucker with confusion. “What does that mean?”
He lets out a breath and shakes his head. “Your mom doesn’t want me talking to you about this, but I don’t like holding on to secrets. I told her you deserved to know, at the very least so you can understand her unreasonable reaction to this whole thing.”
“Jesus, Dad, what the hell are you talking about?”
“Grandpa Len is gay.” He lets out a long breath. “There, I said it.”
“What?” I ask, completely confused. “Grandpa Len is not gay. He’s married to Grandma. They’re like, really happy.”
“I know. That’s what you’re supposed to believe. That’s what everyone is supposed to believe. But think about it, son. I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen him, but seriously, think about it.”
I think about it for a minute. Mom’s parents live in Massachusetts. Grandma comes and stays for a few weeks every summer, but Grandpa doesn’t do airplanes, so we only see him once a year when we go to visit. And yet he’s always been my favorite grandparent. He’s funny, as in bat-shit-crazy funny. He could totally make it onto my list of interesting people—just his bright pants and floral shirts would qualify him. Or that creepy, perfectly manicured mustache he’s had his whole life. When I picture him, he’s in his kitchen dancing while cooking, which is entertaining from a distance but everyone knows to steer clear of him because if you get too close he’ll grab your hand, twirl you into his arms, and make you dance to the fifties’ love ballads he’s always playing. I feel bad for his little dog Sue because she’s usually stuck being his dance partner; he generally treats her like a human child… dresses her up and everything. And, Jesus, get him together with his best friend Manny and the wheels come off completely. Those two are like a couple of giddy girls when they’re together, which they always are; the guy practically lives with Grandma and Grandpa and… holy shit. Grandpa Len is totally gay, and I’m pretty damn sure Manny is his partner. “Oh my God. How the hell didn’t I see that?”
“You got me,” my dad says with a laugh. “He’s the most flamboyant man I’ve ever met. Of course he gets more comfortable being himself every year. From what Mom tells me, he used to be pretty conservative. And grumpy. And miserable.”
“Grandpa Len?”
“I know. Hard to believe.”
“So… what the hell? Why is he still living with Grandma?”
He shrugs. “They wanted to stay together for the kids and, I mean, they’re really happy together. You’ve seen them—they’re best friends. It seems to work just fine for them. But when your mom was your age, she caught Grandpa Len and his friend Manny—you remember him?”
“Of course I remember him. And please, don’t elaborate. I get it.”
“Well, imagine how your mom felt. I mean, how would you feel if you caught me cheating on your mom with a man?”
I wince at that.
“Exactly. Of course he wasn’t really cheating. Grandma and Grandpa already had an understanding, and Grandma was well aware that Grandpa was in love with Manny, but in your mom’s eyes, that just made it a hundred times worse.
“She left home the next week, and it wasn’t until you were born that she finally started talking to them again. She needed her mom, but Grandma wasn’t going to let her keep Grandpa out of the picture. So Mom does the best she can. But she’s never forgiven either of them. Not really.
“In her eyes her entire life was a lie and in a big way, that was true. But she doesn’t see the other side of it. She doesn’t understand that having to hide your sexuality, who you are, is what forces you to have to live a lie. She doesn’t want you to be like her dad, and of course you’re not. What hurt her most was the lie, but you are being honest with her. You’re not hiding who you are. She should be happy for you, but she’s not. Not yet at least.”
“God, I get it. I mean, I totally get why she would hate me right now….”
“She doesn’t hate you.”
“You know what I mean. It’s one thing to hate gays because the Bible tells you to, or the whole thing disgusts you or whatever. But it literally ruined her life.”
“Actually, it did more than that. Sometimes I think it defined her entire life. Sometimes I think it’s still defining her life. I love your mom, but it’s been draining trying to make her happy all these years. That’s what I was thinking about this morning. She came to Minnesota because she thought it would be wholesome here, that gay men wouldn’t live in a state like Minnesota. She quickly found out she was wrong, but she stayed because she had nowhere to go. Before we got married, she raked through my family history to make sure I didn’t have any long-lost gay relatives.”
“Did you?”
He shrugs. “She didn’t find any, but I’m sure I did. Every family does. People didn’t talk about it, though. They didn’t live as openly gay men or women. It’s pretty sad when you think about it.”
“So if she had found something, she wouldn’t have married you?”
He shrugs again. “I would like to think she loved me enough that something like that wouldn’t really matter, but obviously it did. She seemed to
forget about it for a while. And then she got pregnant. That’s when she started driving into the country every day. She found our land and fell in love—with it and of course with the picturesque town of Spring Valley. I didn’t want to leave the city. I had friends and a good job and I liked our neighborhood, but it was like she was possessed. It took over her life. She didn’t even want you to know that gay people existed. I couldn’t handle it anymore so I caved.”
“So it was Mom who wanted to live there—in the country?”
“Yes. And eventually I fell in love with it too. Plus, we had you and she was happy for a while, so nothing else really mattered. And you were always the perfect son. She was determined to make you the manliest of boys. If you want to know the truth, Jay, I kind of hated sports. I never played. I never had the desire to watch them.”
“But you coached my Little League teams. And you’ve never missed any of my games. And how many hours have we spent watching football and baseball together?”
“Right. Well, I grew to love it. I loved coaching yours and Ty’s teams. I love being your dad. But even you being an exceptional athlete and turning out to be a very popular, handsome kid wasn’t enough. She thought you had too much time to yourself in the country. Every time you wandered out that door and down to the river, she would worry about what you were thinking, why you needed to spend so much time by yourself and what thoughts were going through your head. Plus, she wanted to ensure that you remained part of the group you were friends with. And of course, they all lived here. So….”
“Are you kidding me? That’s why we sold that land and bought this house? So that I wouldn’t be gay?”
He lets out a breath and shakes his head. His eyes glaze over with tears. “I should have put my foot down. I should have made her go to therapy or something. I was just so used to it being a priority in our life, I didn’t see what was happening.”
I run my hands over my face and hide under them for a minute. “This is too much.” I drop my hands and look at my dad. “I don’t even know how to comprehend all of this. I mean, what is this going to do to us? To her? To the two of you?”
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