by Gary Paulsen
There was a rustling sound of paper, then a snort from Mr. Waylon. “Clearly, Winston, this is not my handwriting.”
“But—”
“Take him back.”
“What?”
“Take the boy back, right now. With the toilet. And keep it on his head.”
“But—”
“No but’s. You and Carley get him back to exactly the same place you found him, and you don’t harm a hair on his head.”
Amos had stood quietly all this time. He coughed now to clear his throat, the sound ringing inside the toilet. “Excuse me.”
“What?” Mr. Waylon’s voice snapped.
“Would you mind telling me what’s going on?”
“Yes, I would mind. You don’t need to know anything more than you already know.”
“What am I going to tell them when I get back?”
“Tell them you were hijacked by a maniac who thought he had to steal toilets.”
“What about the monkey?”
“You mean Carley? What about him?”
“How does he figure in all this?”
There was a long pause, and Winston finally sighed. “Why don’t we tell him the truth? As long as he doesn’t see us, what can he do?”
Another silence, then Mr. Waylon also sighed. “For once, I think you might be right. All right, listen—what’s your name?”
“Amos.”
“Listen, Amos. Waylon and Winston are not our real names. We used to work in a lab where they did experiments on cosmetics and medical problems. One day they brought in animals and started to use them for the experiments. One of the animals they brought in was Carley. Carley became a good friend and learned to play chess with us, and he would be a better friend except that he beats us all the time. So—”
Winston cut in. “So one day they came and said they wanted to use Carley for some of the testing and that it would injure Carley, and so we—well, kind of took Carley with us and left.”
“But why do you go around stealing things?”
“We steal only luxury items from people who can afford to do without them.”
“A toilet?”
“Well, that was a mistake. But we’re going to return it.”
Mr. Waylon interrupted. “We use the money to try to help animals around the world who are in the same position as Carley. Well, enough is enough, Winston. It’s time to leave, Amos.” Mr. Waylon grasped Amos’s shoulder and turned him around, aiming him at the door. “Winston and Carley will take you back now. It was nice meeting you.”
Winston and Carley guided Amos back up the steps and into the back of the van. The motor started, and the van moved, and it was in this way that half an hour later, Amos was found by a police officer wandering through the Hansens’ backyard with a toilet on his head mumbling about monkeys and animals and saving Melissa.
“You there,” the police officer called. “Hold it right there—I want to talk to you.”
If Amos had done as the police officer had told him and held it right there, everything would have been all right.
But he didn’t.
He turned toward the sound of the voice and reached up to take the toilet off his head and tell the police officer that he was a hero, that he was bringing back the toilet that had been stolen and that Melissa would probably wind up loving him for bringing the toilet back, or at least maybe like him a little or at the very least remember his name or even just learn his name.
But he got none of it out.
He took one step, just one, toward the police officer.
And stepped on the rake, which was lying exactly in the same position that it had been lying when he stepped on it the first time and the second time and when Dunc had stepped on it.
The rake, waiting like a cobra, waiting patiently in the darkness, came up. With the force of a runaway freight train it hit the toilet at exactly, perfectly the point it needed to drive it back into Amos’s forehead. The blow shattered the toilet into a hundred pieces, ruining any chance Amos had of being a hero. But more important, it took away any remaining thoughts Amos might have had and blew them into the ionosphere.
When he hit the ground, precisely one second after the blow, his brain was a blank space waiting to be signed.
.13
“Wasn’t it nice of them to put us in the same room?” Dunc was sitting on the edge of his bed in Clairview Memorial Hospital. They had been in overnight for observation, and the police had questioned them, or rather Dunc—Amos was still out—in the morning. Dunc had told the truth exactly as he knew it, and the police had believed him, or almost did—they remembered having run into Dunc and Amos before, when about half the town was blown up along the river and appliances were flying around like UFOs.
Amos shook his head. “Look, I know you and remember you—you’re the one who got me into this. But I can’t remember anything or anyone except my parents, who have grounded me until I’m drawing social security, and my sister, who calls me names that have butt in them.”
He trailed off as a girl came into the room without knocking. She had blond hair and blue eyes and freckles, and Amos fought to keep the hospital gown closed in back.
The girl came to his bed, read his chart and looked up at him. “Are you Amos?”
Amos nodded.
She came around the side of the bed and reached over and hugged Amos. “I think you’re very brave, and I want to thank you for saving me.”
She turned and walked out.
Amos looked at the door. “Who was that?”
“That,” Dunc said, smiling, “was Melissa.”
“Who is Melissa?”
“Come, on, you really don’t know?”
Amos shook his head. “Some crazy girl comes in and hugs me, and I’m supposed to know her?”
“Melissa Hansen, Amos—that was Melissa.”
Amos looked at the door to the room, struggled with his memories, and finally shrugged. “Doesn’t ring a bell. She looks nice, but I’ve got other problems. I keep having this dream or vision or something about a monkey driving a car and putting a toilet on my head—”
Dunc shook his head.
“—and it’s so real. I mean, I can smell the toilet and feel the porcelain on my head. How can that be?”
Dunc looked out the window. Melissa was leaving the hospital. He watched her walking to where her parents were waiting in the parking lot two floors below, and he thought that when it finally came back, when Amos finally remembered, he was going to come apart.
“Monkeys and cars and men and driving and toilets—man, it’s all so weird,” Amos said.
I’ll have to help him, Dunc thought. I’m going to have to help him a lot when he comes out of this one.
Be sure to join Dunc and Amos in these other Culpepper Adventures:
The Case of the Dirty Bird
When Dunc Culpepper and his best friend, Amos, first see the parrot in a pet store, they’re not impressed—it’s smelly, scruffy, and missing half its feathers. They’re only slightly impressed when they learn that the parrot speaks four languages, has outlived ten of its owners, and is probably 150 years old. But when the bird starts mouthing off about buried treasure, Dunc and Amos get pretty excited—let the amateur sleuthing begin!
Dunc’s Doll
Dunc and his accident-prone friend, Amos, are up to their old sleuthing habits once again. This time they’re after a band of doll thieves! When a doll that once belonged to Charles Dickens’s daughter is stolen from an exhibition at the local mall, the two boys put on their detective gear and do some serious snooping. Will a vicious watchdog keep them from retrieving the valuable missing doll?
Culpepper’s Cannon
Dunc and Amos are researching the Civil War cannon that stands in the town square when they find a note inside telling them about a time portal. Entering it through the dressing room of La Petite, a women’s clothing store, the boys find themselves in downtown Chatham on March 8, 1862—the day before the historic clash between the
Monitor and the Merrimac. But the Confederate soldiers they meet mistake them for Yankee spies. Will they make it back to the future in one piece?
Dunc Gets Tweaked
Best friends Dunc and Amos meet up with Amos’s cousin Lash when they enter the radical world of skateboard competition. When somebody “cops”—steals—Lash’s prototype skateboard, the boys are determined to get it back. After all, Lash is about to shoot for a totally rad world’s record! Along the way they learn a major lesson: Never kiss a monkey!
Dunc’s Halloween
Dunc and his best friend, Amos, are planning the best route to get the most candy on Halloween. But their plans change when Amos is slightly bitten by a werewolf. He begins scratching himself and chasing UPS trucks: He’s become a werepuppy!
Dunc Breaks the Record
Best-friends-for-life Dunc and Amos have a small problem when they try hang gliding—they crash in the wilderness. Luckily Amos has read a book about a boy who survived in the wilderness for fifty-four days. Too bad Amos doesn’t have a hatchet. Things go from bad to worse when a wild man holds the boys captive. Can anything save them now?
Dunc and the Flaming Ghost
Dunc’s not afraid of ghosts, but Amos is sure that the old Rambridge house is haunted by the ghost of Blackbeard the Pirate. Then the best friends meet Eddie, a meek man who claims to be impersonating Blackboard’s ghost in order to live in the house in peace. But if that’s true, why are flames shooting from his mouth?