by Liz Botts
All the lessons Grandmother had taught me about being proper leaked from my brain, and the only thought left was that of helping the young man. I hiked up my skirts and clambered over the low stone wall. It occurred to me after my feet landed in a patch of squishy, soft mud that there had probably been a gate had I taken the time to look. Stumbling over patches of weeds, I ran across the field.
“Shepherd?” I forced my voice to be louder, to rise above the wind.
This time the young man heard me and turned, his eyebrows arched in surprise. He paused, hesitated really, clearly uncertain what to make of me. I pulled off the thick wool cloak I wore. Without a word I held it out to him. As recognition dawned in his eyes, I felt something flutter over me, almost like the faintest breeze, but I knew better: it was the breath of an angel. Mama approved wholeheartedly of what I was doing, and that fact gave me courage.
“It’s too cold out not to have a good, warm cloak.” I pushed it into his hands.
“I… I couldn’t, miss. Truly, I appreciate the thought, but—“
“Lady Felicity!”
I glanced over my shoulder at the carriage footman, who was floundering across the field toward me. The sight of him having so much trouble navigating the weedy pasture made me giggle. “Please, take it. I have plenty of others.”
With that I hurried back to the poor man charged with seeing me safely to Graham’s estate. The bottom of the pale yellow gown Grandmother had commissioned for me dragged in the mud as I ran, despite my efforts to gather it up. The air filled with the squish and suck of my feet plunging into the cool earth.
“Lady,” the footman said, his voice reprimanding, but his eyes smiling. A giddy feeling welled up, and I gave a little twirl as the rain began to fall harder. “Back to the carriage with you now, my lady, or you’ll catch cold. Your grandfather will have my hide if I let you get sicker than you already be.”
Docilely I went, but the truth was I felt better than I had in months. The mere act of helping the shepherd had managed to blot out months of dark spots in my heart and soul. Whether or not the feeling lasted remained to be seen, but at that moment, as the footman tucked a blanket around me in the dry carriage, I felt as if I were soaring. I closed my eyes, leaned back against the seat, and said a prayer of thanksgiving.
****
When I awoke a short time later, the horses had slowed to a gentle trot, and I realized we were winding our way up a narrow lane. A flutter of excitement tickled inside me. As I pressed a hand against my chest to calm my racing heart, I leaned forward to peer out the carriage window. Trees lined the lane, making it hard to see anything but foliage, while a thin veil of rain still misted from the sky.
Around a gentle curve in the drive, the house came into view. I gasped. Never before had I seen a house of such grandeur. No one had prepared me for the shock of seeing the place. Though the stone exterior was washed gray in the rain, nothing could detract from the majesty of the building. Two stories rose above me as I stepped out of the carriage. Rows of windows on each level were surrounded by intricate metal scrollwork. A long set of stone stairs stretched in front of me, and I hesitated before placing my foot on the first step. As I climbed, my heart beat louder in my ears until I couldn’t hear anything else but the throb of my pulse sputtering erratically.
The footman followed with my luggage and raised the heavy knocker for me. As we waited, I shivered in the cold rain as the wind blew along my back. A butler drew open the door, his eyes brushing over me as he stepped aside and motioned for us to enter. With a quiet farewell, the footman set my luggage on the floor before leaving. The glow of my earlier happiness sustained me while I awaited instructions.
“Follow me,” the butler said in a tone that I found rather brusque. Then he added, “Someone will bring your luggage up shortly.”
I nodded, a smile curving along my lips. “Thank you.”
I was left in a room much larger than mine at Grandmother’s home. The bed in the center of the space looked so sumptuous that I thought it might be too decadent to sleep in. Again I smoothed my hands over the bodice of my dress. Idly I wondered if that might be my nervous habit. Of the handful of society events I had attended, it had seemed to me that many of the other women had little nervous tics that a casual observer wouldn’t notice as anything at all. When I had mentioned my observation to Grandmother, she had laughed and said she supposed it to be true.
The window overlooked a beautiful French-style garden that had started to fade as autumn encroached. I pressed my forehead against the cool glass, my mind a frenetic jumble of thoughts. When would I see Graham? The maid had left me with no clear clues. I doubted it would be he who brought my luggage up to me. Clearly Graham had servants for such work.
A knock at the door jarred me. I hurried across the room as my heart thudded in my ears. While my head knew it would not be Graham at the door, the secret store of relentless optimism that lived in my soul pulsed with hope.
With a deep breath to steady myself, I opened the door. A wizened old man stood there with my trunk. “Where shall I set this, Lady Felicity?”
I let him in and indicated where I thought it should go. Just as the door was about to shut, I noticed it edging back open. A gasp lingered in the back of my throat as I wondered if a ghost was about, but my silly fear turned to laughter when I saw a little girl’s face appear around the corner.
“Who are you?” The voice sounded so small and timid, but the earnest way she gazed up at me with her big green eyes showed me her curiosity.
“I’m Felicity. And you must be Kate.” I struggled to kneel down beside her, my dress constricting my movement. Grief flickered around the edges of my periphery as I felt a momentary longing for my old clothes, my old life, but when the little girl’s mouth crooked up in a smile, it all melted away.
“I am.” Kate smiled at me, showing a row of crooked baby teeth. “Are you to be my new nurse?”
“Well, no. I’m just here for some recuperation time. I’ve been ill, you see.” I offered her a smile that I hoped seemed friendly and did not reflect the disappointment I suddenly felt. Clearly Graham had not prepared his daughter for my arrival, which made me wonder whether or not he even knew when I was due.
“Oh.” Kate got quiet for a moment, and she tilted her head while she continued to regard me. “I was sick last week, and then my nurse had to leave, so I guess she was scared she’d get sick, too. Is that what happened to you?”
I straightened up then, as my ankles pinched inside my heeled boots. Just as I opened my mouth to ask about her father, a voice called her from down the hall. Kate’s eyes lit up with a mischief that I recognized in myself when I was a little girl.
“Katherine?”
“Shhh.” Kate pressed a tiny finger to her lips and scurried around the side of my bed. As she ducked under the duvet, a plump older woman entered my room, breathing heavily.
The woman leaned against the doorframe as she tried to catch her breath. With a smile, she inhaled deeply. “You must be Lady Felicity. I hope you are getting settled nicely? My name is Mrs. Franklin. I’m the head of the kitchen staff, though right now I’m playing nursemaid to His Lordship’s little girl. I don’t suppose you saw the little imp scamper by?”
A peal of laughter from under my bed saved me from having to lie. With quick no-nonsense steps, Mrs. Franklin strode across the room, stooped down, and peered under the blanket on the bed. Kate’s laughter increased as the older woman reached down and pulled the little girl out.
“Katherine, you need to get back downstairs. I’ve got work to do, and poor Lady Felicity needs to get settled. Now, come along with you.” Mrs. Franklin took Kate’s hand and led her toward the doorway. She paused and turned back to me. “Come down when you are finished unpacking, and I’ll get you a spot of tea.”
Kate tossed me a saucy little grin over her shoulder before skipping out of my room alongside the older woman. I eased myself down onto the bed as I attempted to absorb the me
eting, while my lady’s maid continued to unpack my things.
****
Sometime later, I decided to head downstairs. I descended the curved staircase, admiring the handsome wood as I trailed my hand along the smooth surface. Everything about Graham’s house spoke of understated elegance. When I had gotten to know Graham on our sea voyage, this sort of lavishness hadn’t occurred to me as part of his world. Somehow I had assumed he was more like me. Though looking at the world Grandfather and Grandmother inhabited, I wondered if we were indeed more alike than I had thought.
At the bottom of the stairs, I stood awkwardly in the foyer, wondering where to go next. Being a guest in Graham’s home came with a whole host of hidden pressures I hadn’t expected, and I hadn’t even seen him yet. A familiar smell wafted toward me, and I followed the smell down the hall.
“Flissity!” Kate leapt off a stool and hustled toward me as Mrs. Franklin bustled about. The little girl wrapped her arms around me. For a second I felt tears prick the back of my eyes, and an aching feeling filled my chest. The easy way Kate accepted me made me miss my own family all the more.
I returned the hug, gently picking up the little girl to return her to the stool. “May I help with anything?”
Mrs. Franklin shut the oven with a clang and chuckled. “Oh, my, no. Lady Felicity, you shouldn’t even be in the kitchen. Kate, dear, why don’t you show our guest to the parlor? I will bring refreshments in a moment.”
Kate scooted to the floor again. She grabbed my hand. I felt odd to be referred to as a guest even though I knew I was one.
Once in the parlor, Kate popped behind a chair and giggled at my feigned surprise. “Papa should be along soon. Will you see him?”
Her question caught me off guard, but I smiled anyway and eased myself onto one of the lovely high-backed chairs beside the windows. No matter what I told myself, I would never get used to wearing these stays. “Of course I will see your papa. I told you before, we were friends on our sea voyage.”
Kate’s smile widened to show a tiny gap in her front teeth. The sound of footsteps in the hall outside the door broke our conversation. “Papa!” The little girl scrambled across the floor. I could barely contain the steady hammer of my heart in my ears. I stood as I watched him scoop his daughter into his arms. Oh, how I longed to be in those arms myself. I felt my cheeks flush, and I hoped he wouldn’t notice.
My breath caught in my throat as Graham turned his gaze toward me. Every hope that had been building over the past few weeks beat through my heart, and my mind went fuzzy. His green eyes seemed to crackle with intensity as he stared at me. If he hadn’t been holding Kate, he would have been imposing.
“Welcome, Lady Felicity.” He ran a hand over Kate’s hair and set her down gently.
I deflated so quickly I feared I might fall over. After a moment I remembered my manners, dropped a rather curt curtsy, and said, “Thank you ever so much for having me, Lord Blessington.”
Kate skipped over to me and slipped her hand into mine. Her attention made me smile, which distracted me momentarily from the growing pit in my stomach. I did love the way the child showed exuberance in even her movement across a room. No wonder Graham had spoken of her so reverently. I felt foolish for building up my feelings for this man to such unattainable levels that I risked falling flat on my face.
As the little girl tugged on my hand, I felt something maternal stir within me, and I ached for the motherless little girl. Did she ever wonder what it would be like to have a mother or was she still too young?
“What’s wrong?”
I startled out of my thoughts at Kate’s question. “Nothing, dear, why do you ask?”
Kate reached her arms up, and when I lifted her she patted my face and said, “You just look sad.”
I could not bear to tell her I had been thinking about the profound loss in her life, and that made me think of my own mother. The grief assaulted me so fast and so furiously that tears pricked the backs of my eyes before I could stop them.
“Come, Kate, why don’t you go help in the kitchen for a bit so that I might speak to our guest.” Graham extracted the little girl from my arms.
Graham watched Kate scurry from the room and stared after her for such a long moment I began to wonder if he had forgotten about me. Anxiety made my stomach churn, making me feel as if I were on the boat once again. I turned my gaze out the window at the rain-drenched garden, still beautiful as the colors flared in one last display of brilliance before the gloom of fall and winter set in.
“And how do you find my home?” Graham’s voice close to my ear made me jump.
When I turned toward him, I could feel the heat emanating off his body. We hadn’t been this close since he had kissed me on the ship. The memory of that kiss made me shiver. Even though I longed for him to take me in his arms again, he remained just out of reach, the very picture of propriety. Yet I could feel his restraint, and it gave me hope.
“Your home is quite lovely, Lord Blessington. I thank you for allowing me as your guest.” My voice trembled slightly as I spoke, even though I tried to sound like the lady I was expected to be.
“Felicity—“ Graham’s voice was choked with emotion as he said my name.
I looked up into his tempestuous green eyes, but I couldn’t read the feelings flickering there. He reached toward me, but his hand faltered midair, and he let it drop to his side.
The moment stretched far longer than felt comfortable, and I squirmed under the intensity of his gaze. Finally Graham cleared his throat.
“Of course.” Graham shook his head as if he had just realized something of consequence. He took a step back. “Please forgive my lapse of manners, Lady Felicity. I meant to ask you how you are feeling. I was naturally quite alarmed by the news of your illness.”
My whole body sagged as my energy drained away. I took a step away from Graham so I could rest against the back of a chair.
“I fear I may be having a slight relapse.” I pressed a hand against my forehead.
“You do look quite pale.” Graham was suddenly at my side, and he wrapped a strong arm around my waist. I leaned into his reassuring frame. Despite the waves of dizziness and nausea, I couldn’t help but notice that I fitted perfectly into the crook of Graham’s elbow.
“I should help you up to your room.” The words hung thick in the air. Through the thick material of Graham’s shirt front, I could feel the hammering of his heart. My own pattered out a matching rhythm.
“Perhaps if I sat for a few moments. I don’t want to miss supper. The physician in London was very stern that I should take in all the nourishment I can.”
I didn’t want to be locked away in my room. Not when I had the chance to spend time with Graham. I also found myself wanting to spend more time with Kate. The little girl reminded me so much of myself that I had to stop and wonder. Did I merely want to see similarities where none existed because getting close to his daughter meant getting closer to Graham? Or was there more to it? Did that little girl and I share a kinship of ones who had lost a parent too soon? I wasn’t entirely sure, but a feeling stirred in my heart that I could help Kate, and in doing so help myself.
“Certainly. Where is my head?” Graham helped me over to a settee near the window.
I sank down gratefully, hating the weakness that washed over me. With a small smile tugging at my lips, I had a sudden rush of memory of running through the woods after James. Those days had been entirely carefree. I’d had a mother and a father who loved me and taught me to work hard. My brother had been a constant companion. Despite lean times and difficult times, nothing compared to having my world ripped apart and infused with grief. Even now as the daily sorrow had subsided to a dull but constant ache, I missed my family as if a part of my very being had been ripped out.
“Might I ask you a question, Lady Felicity?” Graham sounded so uncertain that I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his query.
“You may.” I pushed the melancholy away as best I coul
d, and turned away from the rain running in rivulets down the window.
Graham cleared his throat. “Have you had any news from your father?”
The question jolted me, though I couldn’t discern why. A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed against it. “N-no. I have not.”
The tears dissolved and began to slide silently down my cheeks. Horrified, I hastily wiped them away with my handkerchief. Grandmother had never mentioned anything about crying in front of a man, but I knew well enough that such things were best done in private.
When I had composed myself, I said, “I keep hoping I will receive a letter, but nothing comes.”
Graham remained silent and studied his hands while I watched him. “I have been asking for news of him and your brother on ships returning, but there has been no news. I do wish I could give you something.”
His words were so soft I had to strain to hear them, but I knew he was sincere. That made me feel better, though nothing had changed. He was gentleman enough to pretend that my lack of decorum mattered not.
Before either of us could say anything else, the door to the parlor opened, and the butler announced dinner was ready. Graham stood and extended his arm to me. I accepted, and allowed him to lead me to the dining room. Kate sat at the table, looking like the perfect little lady.
Graham smiled. “I hope you don’t mind that she eats with us.”
“Of course not,” I replied, my insides growing warm at his obvious adoration of the little girl.
Graham seated me before walking to his daughter and patting her gently on the hair. After a brief blessing, the butler oversaw the serving of the most delicious array of food I had ever seen. Despite my brief episode earlier, my appetite had not been affected. I ate while Graham asked Kate a series of questions about some lessons she had had earlier that day.
“Papa? Mrs. Franklin told me that my new nurse would be arriving soon. Is that why Flissity is here?” Kate’s eyes widened as she looked from me to her father.