by Lilah Grey
“—and her son has such a promising career ahead of him. He’s finishing up his first year at Harvard Law School and will be interning—”
I stuck out my tongue—gag—as I continued to pace in a small rectangle in front of my bed. She’d already switched into full matchmaking mode. It shouldn’t surprise me, but I was still dumbstruck. Not only was she continuing to wrap her fingers around me again, she was speaking to me as though things between us were fine. She hadn’t acknowledged that hiding James’s letters from me was wrong, and based on the direction this conversation was headed, she still thought I was a child who couldn’t make a single decision for myself.
I’d always held out hope that things would change, that she’d somehow come around and accept that we were different people on different tracks. My dad saw that, and he embraced it. He never forced me down a narrow path. He allowed me to find my own way and become my own person.
A lump formed in my throat when I was hit with the realization that my mother would never change. She resisted becoming the mother I needed as much as I resisted becoming the daughter she wanted.
“—forgot about Millicent! You remember Milly, right? Well, her son—”
“Mom.”
“—President of the Democrat Club, and will—”
“Mom… Mom!”
Finally, she was silent.
I stood in the middle of my room, my limbs growing numb, shaking as adrenaline rushed through me.
“Yes, dear?”
I took in a few deep breaths. “I’m not going to Harvard.”
Blood pounded in my ears, and after a few moments of only hearing my mother’s slow breaths, she spoke.
“You should’ve told me that earlier, dear. So you heard back from NYU. That’s wonderful. It’s not Harvard, but we have a larger network there, so I—”
“I’m not going to NYU,” I blurted out, and then after a few breaths: “I’m not going to graduate school.”
“Honey,” my mother said with a sigh, “you need to stop being so difficult. It was cute when you were a child, but now you’re an adult and you need to understand—”
“I’m being difficult?” I snorted as heat rose in my chest, warming my neck and cheeks. “I don’t think you understand. I never wanted this. You pushed and pushed and pushed. Even as a child, you pushed me in a direction I didn’t want to go. You never once asked me how I felt or what I wanted, and you still don’t. And I don’t think you ever will.”
After repressing everything I’d felt for so long, it all came spilling from me with surprising ease. “You never even came to one of my games. What kind of mother does that?”
“Don’t try and guilt me,” she snapped. “It was hard enough on me watching you waste your potential on a—a game.”
I shook my head, mouth slack, wondering how I ever lived with this woman for so long. I should’ve been angrier than I was, but I’d become resigned. I no longer wanted to waste anymore energy trying to convince someone who would never listen to an opposing viewpoint.
“I was invited to tryout for the Portland Tempest at the end of April. I’m going to play soccer professionally, and you can either accept that or—” I paused. My mouth was beginning to dry up as nerves rose inside me. “Or I don’t think we’ll be a part of each other’s lives anymore.”
I never thought it would come to this, but here we were. I couldn’t wait around and hope that my mother would understand me. I’d been doing that for years, giving her the benefit of the doubt, but after discovering that she’d hidden those letters, I had no idea how far she’d go to make sure I followed her path.
I wasn’t going to wait around to find out.
“I see,” was all she said before hanging up.
The period leading up to the tryouts was one of the most grueling I’d ever faced. Not only was it physically challenging as I forced myself to endure intense workouts multiple times a day, but it was also emotionally challenging. I was slowly coming to terms with the end of my relationship with my mother.
Just as Violet and I had thought, my mother stopped transferring money for rent and food. I’m not sure what would’ve happened if I didn’t have Violet.
Violet suggested that I reach out to James and tell him how I felt. Even though we were half the world away from each other, he deserved to know.
She was right as usual, and I decided that I would break the silence and contact him. I didn’t want to repeat my past mistakes and let our relationship to fall away again. It didn’t matter if he was in Milan, or that my future was still unknown. The only thing that mattered to me was that he was still in my life.
“Call me when you land,” Violet said as she dropped me off at the airport. My flight to Portland was in a few hours, and even though I’d never been so nervous in my life, I was still excited.
When you’ve stopped being nervous, you’ve stopped caring.
James’s words swirled in my mind. Goosebumps erupted along my arms. Even as a memory, he still affected me.
“Will do,” I said, dropping the wheels of my suitcase onto the concrete.
“You’re going to do great,” Violet said.
“I better,” I said. “Because if I don’t, I’m going to be homeless.”
Violet glared at me, “No, you’re not. You’ll always have a place with me, even at Harvard.”
A few days after I declined my acceptance, Violet received word that she’d been accepted off of the waitlist. She promptly accepted because it was her first choice, and she’ll be heading to Cambridge in the fall.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope it doesn’t come to that.”
Violet leaned in and whispered, “Same.”
We hugged and said our goodbyes. Nerves swirled in my gut as I walked through the automatic doors and into the concourse.
There was no turning back now.
My eyes shot open as a child squealed behind me.
“Noooooo!” she wailed in between bouts of screaming. I glanced over my shoulder and saw her mother slowly dragging a powder blue Frozen suitcase, looking vacantly in front of her while her child flailed on the walkway behind her. An older business man with a receding hairline and a bulging midsection stood anxiously behind the child, trying to figure out how to navigate around her.
Thank God this flight’s over.
After spending the better part of the day in the air or waiting outside gates and seeing the tired, resigned faces of many mothers and fathers, I’d made a pact with myself that I’d remain childless into the foreseeable future. I’d popped my birth control pill in my mouth as soon as I witnessed my first meltdown earlier this morning.
I turned up the volume on my music and let Taking Back Sunday’s Timberwolves at New Jersey drown out the girl’s screams as I made my way down the walkway and toward baggage claim.
After picking up my bag, I scanned the area around me, looking for the driver the Tempest had hired to take me to my hotel. Ten minutes later I still hadn’t found anyone holding a sign with my name. I checked the email I’d been sent again to make sure I hadn’t misread it—I hadn’t. It clearly stated that there would be a driver waiting for me at baggage claim.
I let my soccer bag fall to the ground, allowing my shoulder to relax. The thought that this was some elaborate prank crossed my mind, but then again: who would shell out that much money for a plane ticket? Or hotel accommodations?
I let out a sigh.
I’d give it a few more minutes, and then check to see if there was a shuttle or something to my hotel. I sent Violet a text, letting her know I was fine, and as I swiped back to the list of all my texts, I spotted James’s name and felt a fluttering in my chest.
I tapped his name and read his last text. I’ll always love you. My stomach dropped when I saw that I never responded. I should have, but I didn’t.
I was going to fix that. I had no idea what time of day it was in Italy, or if his number would still work, but I tapped his name and called him. It beg
an to ring and nerves began building. I had no idea what I was going to say. What was I doing?
Just as I was about to hang up, James picked up.
“James?”
James didn’t say anything, but I could hear loud conversations and noises in the background.
“Corinne,” James said, finally.
I hadn’t heard his voice in so long, and my eyes began to well with tears. I tried to speak again, but my throat was beginning to close up. But then James spoke again.
“I have to go,” he said. “I’m meeting with someone very important right now.”
Click.
What…
My breath went ragged as my throat and chest tightened. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. I…
“Looking for someone?”
A hand on my neck.
No…
Goosebumps and mental static.
“Corinne,” James said as he dragged a fingertip along the nape of my neck.
I breathed in his intoxicating scent as I turned around.
“Hello, beautiful,” James said, stroking my cheek with the back of his hand.
“You asshole—”
Before I had the chance to go on, James pulled me into him, silencing me with a kiss.
49
James
“I’m an idiot for letting you go.”
Corinne’s body trembled as a wet spot began to form on my chest. Sniffles and muffled sobs. My heart pounded as I held her against me.
I knew it would be difficult to gain back her trust, but I wouldn’t stop so long as there was a sliver of hope. A life without Corinne wasn’t a life worth living.
Corinne’s grip tightened around my back, constricting my breathing, but I didn’t care. I missed this—holding her in my arms. I missed her touch. I missed her scent. I missed the taste of her lips. I missed everything about her.
“No,” Corinne said, sniffling into my chest, “you’re not. You did what you thought was right.”
At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, protect Corinne from the possible fallout, but I should’ve asked her what she wanted. We were a team, but I didn’t act like we were.
Corinne pulled back.
“I should’ve responded better. I shouldn’t have shut down. I just—”
“You don’t have you explain,” I said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Yes, I do,” she said.
Her eyes were ringed in red, still wet from her tears.
“A part of me never really believed that you loved me,” she said, looking down.
My gut began to twist and turn and tighten. Why would she think that?
She rubbed the back of her neck and then crossed her arm around her waist.
“I never believed someone like you, someone who could have anyone they wanted…” Corinne’s voice drifted away. She bit her lip as she stroked her forearm. A few seconds later, she finally looked up at me, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I didn’t understand why you wanted me. And I thought this whole thing with Rylee was an easy excuse for you to leave. That you regretted what happened between us.”
All I wanted to do was reach out and hold her. Show her that there was no one else in this world that I’d rather be with. She was everything to me.
Corinne sniffled, chewing the inside of her mouth. “It was stupid, I know. I knew it was irrational, but after being cheated on, with my entire world being flipped upside down, sometimes it’s easier to believe in the irrational. It wasn’t until that letter you sent me that I realized how silly I was acting.”
“I was going to respond,” she said, “I wrote out this long, detailed email. But then I saw you’d signed with Milan, and I thought I’d missed my chance.” After a few moments of silence: “Why are you here?”
“I made you a promise,” I said. “I promised you that I’d get you drafted. That didn’t happen, so I’m going to make sure you find a team, whether it’s on the Tempest or somewhere else. I don’t care how long it takes. A week. A month. A year or more. I’m going to make good on that promise.”
“How did you know I was here?”
“Violet,” I said, smiling. “She’s been keeping me updated.”
“Spying on me?”
“Well—not—”
“I’m kidding,” Corinne said, smiling.
“I wanted to see you sooner, but Violet convinced me to wait. I was about to pack my things as soon as she told me you were actually considering going to Harvard.”
Corinne grimaced. “I didn’t know what to do. It felt like I was backed into a corner with no other option. But when my mother…” Corinne’s voice trailed off again.
Heat flooded my chest with the mention of my stepmother. Well, ex-stepmother; I’d heard from my father that they were getting a divorce. I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner, given my dad’s proclivity for younger women.
“You don’t have to worry about her anymore. You have me.”
I pulled Corinne into my arms and felt the pieces of me that shattered when I left slowly shift back into place.
“I love you, Corinne.”
“I love you, too,” she whispered into my chest.
The world around us seemed to fade away. No sights, no sounds, nothing could penetrate the bubble we found ourselves in. The only thing I felt, the only thing I heard, was the slow, rhythmic thump of our hearts beating as one.
“Stop,” Corinne pleaded, giggling, pounding on my back as I carried her over my shoulder. “I smell terrible.”
She’d just finished the last day of tryouts with the Tempest, and she nailed it. Watching her interact with the rest of the team was a treat. She played with them as though they’d played together for years. I had no doubt in my mind that they’d pick her up.
“I know,” I said, chuckling, as Corinne’s gentle thuds on my back started getting harder. “I’m not carrying you to bed. And since I don’t have a hose…”
I turned to my right and walked into the bathroom of my hotel suite, setting Corinne down next to the glass enclosure of the shower. Her hair was sticking out in all directions, matted with sweat and dirt, but I wanted to take her right then and there.
My cock throbbed underneath my jeans as I took in her beautiful, flushed face. Damn I loved it when she was flustered because she became feisty and aggressive. She jutted out her jaw and blew a tuft of hair out of her face. It promptly fell right back in place but Corinne didn’t seem to notice; her eyes were locked on mine.
“You,” she said, irritation lacing her voice, “need to stop—”
Before she had the chance to finish her sentence I was on her. Her lips were salted with sweat, but I didn’t mind; I loved it. I missed their taste and their soft wetness against my own lips, against my skin. My mind flashed back to the first time I’d tasted them.
I gripped the back of her neck and pulled her harder into mine. I was hungry, starving for my fill of her. Greedy. No matter how much I had, I knew it would never be enough; I’d never get my fill of her.
Corinne moaned in my mouth as her body began to relax under my touch. She pulled her hands away from her sides, slid them under my arms and latched her hands onto my back. I groaned as her nails dug into my muscles.
I pulled back, Corinne standing there blinking at me as she tried hard to replace the breath I’d stolen from her. I lifted my shirt over my head, lust filling Corinne’s eyes as they raked across my torso.
“You know you’re not in a museum, right? You can touch.”
“I think you belong in a museum,” she said without skipping a beat. “You’d fit in right next to Michelangelo’s David.” Her gaze dropped a little lower. “With a few…” She gulped. “Adjustments.”
Corinne’s hand slid across my bulge, feeling it, squeezing it through my jeans.
I unbuckled my belt, letting my jeans fall to the floor. I stepped out of them and pulled Corinne’s shirt over her head. She tugged down her
shorts and underwear, turned around, and walked into the shower.
Fuck…
I watched as her hips swayed back and forth, my cock aching, begging to slide in between those thighs. She giggled as water from the rainfall shower head fell onto her chest, rivulets sliding down her slicked, tanned skin.
“Are you going to join me or not?”
I tore off my underwear, tossing it on the floor next to the sink.
“That’s better,” Corinne said, soaping her body as she watched me walk toward her.
I slid a hand around her waist, while the other cupped her ass. My cock was forced straight up against her stomach as I pulled her into me.
She slid a hand in between us, gripped my cock, and stroked it.
Fuck, it felt so good.
Water rained down on us, our bodies slick from soap. My cock slid up and down against her flat stomach as she continued to stroke me. She sucked in her bottom lip and then slowly released it, letting it scrape against her teeth.
“Come for me,” she begged.
A light squeak left her lips as I grabbed a thick handful of hair and pulled down. Her lips parted and her chest heaved, trying to catch her breath as she waited.
“No,” I growled, my lips hovering just above her skin. “We’re not playing by your rules.” I kissed her below her ear, trailing kisses down her neck. Light moans escaped her lips as my free hand slid across her side and then cupped her breast.
It had been far too long since I’d touched her, and I was going to drag it out as long as possible, deny her until she begged for it. Until she wanted nothing else but sweet release…
I watched Corinne’s expression change as I slid my hand down her stomach and then in between her legs. Her eyebrows forced together in a thick line as desire flooded her eyes, locking on mine for a moment before shutting tight. Her body shuddered as she rubbed herself against my fingers, taking in heavy, labored breaths.
“That’s it,” I whispered, nibbling her ear. “Come for me.”
I let go of her hair as her nails dug into my shoulders.
“Fuck,” she breathed.
My fingers slid against her wet mound, back and forth. She tried to force my fingers inside her, but I resisted, drawing out her agony. I moaned as she wrapped her fingers around my cock again.