“You guys ready for dinner?” my mother called from below.
Up came Harriet, her little brown nose peering over the top stair.
“Harriet!” I threw myself on top of her, willing her to lie down. She licked my face. I lifted up the leather of her ear and whispered to her, and she kept trying to pull away to lick my face, language too much for her to bear.
“I might have liked to choose too,” Ramon said.
“We’re good!” I screamed downstairs. “Be there in a minute!”
9
__
At the dinner table Ramon talked to my parents with an easy manner he rarely possessed in social situations. For him there was a divide between family and non-family, and tonight he seemed natural in his skin as he chatted casually with my parents about the weekend.
“And then”—he gestured with his fork—“we had to choose colored pom-poms. And deal with a lot of forms. Wait, let me back up. We have to get this eight hundred number. Randy,” Ramon said to my dad, “can we do it from your business line, which would then be forwarded to our cell? But anyway, that’s a whole other thing, basically, the mothers—”
“The birthmothers.” I could sense it gathering itself up in the pit of my stomach, the past, dinner, a tight fist, a ball of hair and bones; I could feel all of it amassing.
“Sorry,” Ramon said, “of course, the birthmothers, the birthmothers, well, they call us directly on this eight hundred number and we talk to them. Well, Jesse does. We’ve decided it will be Jesse.”
I smiled broadly and sarcastically. “Yaay.” I lifted my shoulders to my ears and kept them there for an extra beat.
Ramon looked at me very deliberately, and I could feel my parents’ excitement in receiving so much information. “We did this role playing.”
I began shoveling food into my mouth. I had to hand it to my mother; her famous tri-mushroom risotto was tri-fabulous.
“So we had these made-up cards of who the birthmother was—her identity, like where she was from, what her situation was, if she had other kids, which is a good thing as she knows how difficult it is to parent then . . .”
My mother nodded her head knowingly, and I wondered if she was also thinking about the help she got with parenting from Claudine.
“Anyway,” Ramon continued, “we had to practice what we would ask the birthmother on the phone.”
“If they call.” I watched Harriet come out from beneath the table and head straight for my father, always the softie when it came to table scraps. “If.”
“They’re going to call.” Ramon turned first to my father at one end of the table, and then to my mother. “We have a very good chance of being called,” he said.
“Wonderful!” My mother beamed. “That just sounds wonderful.”
“Wonderful,” my father agreed.
“Can we talk about something else please?” I asked. “I am really tired. Of this. I’m very tired of talking about this.”
“But, Jesse,” Ramon said, “we need to discuss the race of the child with your parents.”
My mother perked up. “Oh yes, let’s talk about that! I would love to talk about it. What are you guys thinking?”
“Absolutely,” my father said. “We are here to talk to.”
“No, I’m tired,” I said. “And come on, Ramon,” I said.
“We need to discuss this,” Ramon said. Was he smiling?
The three of them looked at me and I thought of Ramon in the car on the way back from the training, after we’d hugged everyone good-bye and gotten into our car and driven away. As we’d entered Virginia it had begun to grow dark on the highway, and in the gloaming Ramon had turned to me, as excited as he was tonight with my parents, and he’d brought up the issue of languages again. Of legacy.
“The child needs to be Jewish, too,” I’d told him. I had looked out at the highway growing so quickly dark.
“No, fuck you, Ramon,” I said now.
My parents gently set their napkins down at the same time.
“Stop it,” my mother said. “Jesse, please.”
“Okay then. What would you like to know? We are open to many many races. We’re not totally in agreement, as Ramon seems to think a child born in a meth lab—a white child—might be more appropriate for us than an African-American child because he doesn’t think we have black friends. Ramon is very happy with a Hispanic child, though, as that speaks to his origins. My origins, ours . . .” I swept my hands to encompass the dining room with its muted yellow walls and white molding, the African art and the tea set that had been my great-grandmother’s, the one my father was always hoping someone would break in and steal so we could collect the insurance. “Our origins do not seem to be relevant. But, as you’ve asked, we’re sorting out the race thing. We’re deciding on drug use and mental health and physical deformities and if I have to make one more decision I’m going to pitch myself out of a window.”
“We understand,” my father said.
“Seriously, Jesse?” Ramon asked.
“Seriously.” I turned to my parents. “So, Mom, Dad, how comfortable are you with a child of color in our family?”
“Stop it.” Ramon folded his hands in his lap. “This is not the way we want to have this discussion.”
Color. What is it? I thought of Ramon adjusting the brightness on one of his designs. Turn it up, tone it down. Color. “Me? You had no right to just bring this up. When does this get to be private again?”
“Okay,” he said. “I get it.”
“It’s okay.” My mother picked up her napkin and dabbed at her mouth. “It’s okay, Ramon.”
“It seems I can’t control a thing, can I? Because normally, making a baby is between two people, so I don’t really care what my parents feel about a child of color.”
“Look.” My father cleared his throat. “You guys have been through quite a lot and I just want to say that of course we are comfortable with any child in this house and we will be thrilled to be grandparents to any child you have.”
“Absolutely,” my mother said. “And remember how much time I’ve spent in Africa.”
“Fabulous,” I said.
“You can discuss this with strangers and not your family?” Ramon asked me.
“Yes. Exactly.” I realized he was getting me back for all the talking I’d done this weekend. Ramon, it turned out, had felt left out.
“It’s a postracial world. Obama has changed everything,” my father said, passing some meat to Harriet. Right in front of my face.
“That’s not true,” I said.
“Oh yes, it certainly is.” My father straightened in his chair. “Do you know what it was like before? In the fifties? Yes it is. So I do happen to agree with you that a mixed-race child—in this day and age—is hardly a risky proposition.”
“I can’t do this.”
“Jesse. We want to know what’s going on. You’re our daughter,” my mother said.
And yes, even that hurt me. Daughter. I wanted to obliterate the very word. In every language.
“We do,” my father said. “And frankly, this is our grandchild, our only grandchild, you’re talking about. If you don’t want us involved, why don’t you just keep him or her in New York then?”
“Don’t threaten me,” I told him, standing, and only after I did so did I feel myself stand. “Don’t threaten me, do you understand me? Because I am done. Because everyone has a limit. I have reached my limit.”
I ran upstairs to the attic and I sat on my twin bed, my chest expanding and contracting. I heard my father begin to yell at Ramon.
“You go and talk to her, goddamn it, Ramon, you need to fix this now,” he was saying, and I could hear my mother trying to use her mobilization and managerial skills: what Randy is saying, Ramon, and Ramon might be feeling a little pressured right now, and Jesse has been through so much with her illness, too. I imagined her brushing her silver hair from her face as she enunciated clearly.
I heard Ramon come u
p the stairs and then he was there, and begging me to go back down. “Please,” he said. “Your father is freaking out on me. You have to go downstairs and talk to him,” he said, and I did, wordlessly, brushing by him, touching him gently enough to hurt him, and I gathered myself up, the way I knew even then that I would continue to on nights to come, nights when the phone sat silent and the birthmothers didn’t call, or the nights they did call and we talked for hours but then they did not choose us, on nights when, if we ever got that child, that child had grown up to hate us, as much as I had told my parents I hated them, as much as I had run from them, as much as I had thwarted them for only being themselves, but I did not know that as I made my way down the steps to talk to my father that night, I did not know that my parents were only human; I had not reached that level of humanness that would allow me to forgive them. For that, I knew, as I opened the door to the den to see my father weeping, for that, and because of that, I knew, I would have to have children of my own.
10
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My parents’ introduction is an American story. They were set up on a blind date by friends of their parents, who lived in the Watergate building. That American story. On their first date they had dinner in Georgetown—roast beef and potatoes, my father thinks, though perhaps it was chicken cordon bleu. My mother has no recollection of the meal at all.
Ramon’s parents’ meeting was otherworldly. His father, Ramon Sr., was studying to be a geologist. He was researching the Pontine region, and I believe, though this is merely my historical take as Ramon is vague on the story, it was to assist in the work that Mussolini had begun maintaining the road over the marshland. Did the Italians hire him? Had he come from Spain? Ramon says only “researching the region,” but what I can still see so vividly, as if I had been in the brush at Lake Fogliano myself, is Ramon Sr. coming across Paola walking along the lake. Paola, who worked at her father’s café, serving espresso and pizza and fried artichokes to the locals, is entirely alone, away from her two brothers, and she stands at the lip of the lake, one toe pointed, dipping in.
Ramon Sr. was filthy from working and he had come to the lake to cool off. The sun was so hot, he wasn’t sure if she was a real woman or a mermaid, and, according to Ramon, his father had fallen in love with Paola by the time she’d turned to face him.
Ramon’s father later went to work for BP, as a geologist, and he took Paola away from Italy and her brothers and her parents’ graves and her life at the café that had exhausted her. The café had closed when she left—I have seen it on the outskirts of the village—and so Paola got on a plane for the first time, and went first to Spain, where Ramon was born, and then to West Africa and England and then South America and then Holland, and later, when Ramon left her for college in the States, they went off to Java, where Ramon brought an American photographer to the jungle and opened an umbrella in a hot cave to protect his face from a throng of bats.
_______
I thought of Paola as we continued back to Brooklyn, imagining how different this conversation would have been at my mother-in-law’s house. Black child? Spanish or Italian would be better, but why not?, Paola would have said. Me, I had no troubles with having the babies (interesting, knowing how much she had tried for a second child), but if Jessica has the trouble with the babies, then sure, take one from somewhere else, why not. There are so many here, so many young people with the children, but we take care of our children in Italy. Spain too. We don’t give them away, acch, anyway. It’s awful, America. Just awful. So high up everyone is. And after those buildings fell? Yes, I know, where you are, it’s not so high, but, Ramon, why do you live there? Come back to Italia. I have a space for you here, in the house, where you can make your plans for all your buildings. Here, in Lazio! Jessica, too, we have very nice schools here. She can teach in them. Or Rome. Very good schools! Like England! Jesse could go to Rome, and, Ramon, you can stay here. And anyway, Ramon, she’d have said, you are so young to have a baby. Not yet, she’d say to her forty-two-year-old son. Come here and stay here and then you will see, the babies will come.
From where? I wondered, thinking of Ramon’s mother. I understood her better after all these years—or I should say I could anticipate her more accurately—but on that first trip, I’d been shocked as I watched her remove Ramon’s things from his overnight bag, as if they’d been plated in gold. She placed these items—regular things!: jeans, polo shirts, balled-up socks—on shelves cleared for him alone. The house was cluttered with a lifetime of trinkets from abroad, an accumulation of crud and beauty and memory and the evident compulsion to keep all of it. As I had not been offered my own shelf, I placed my backpack on the floor. When I returned from the bathroom, which was jammed with unopened boxes and porcelain figurines, jars of expired face cream, decade-old bottles of suntan lotion and shampoos, the backpack had been removed.
“Where’s my stuff?” I asked Ramon.
He took a deep breath. “That backpack, you know, it’s been a lot of places. Dragged all around, you know? It’s probably a little dirty for the house.”
“So, where’s my stuff then?”
“My mother is cleaning it on the terrace.” Ramon breathed out.
“Is this you saying this or your mother?” I asked. “That my stuff is in need of cleaning?”
“My mother,” he told me. “But, I mean, she has a point. The trains. The hostels. The dust. Anyway, she’s wiping it down now. Then she’ll put some sort of plastic down here.” He spread his hands out on the floor by the twin bed I assumed I’d be sleeping in. “And then you can set it down and use it. On the plastic.”
I did believe it was crazy and slightly defamatory. But then! But then. The social responsibility, the need to understand a different way of life . . . I had thought, as I sat for a moment on the mattress, which managed to be an impossible combination: equal parts hard and lumpy. I was in another country, on another continent. I needed, I thought, adjusting myself on this very uncomfortable bed, to be respectful of a differing culture.
Which I was. Even though where I come from, in America, the guest usually gets the largest, softest towel, the finest cut of meat, the heartiest slice of cake. Not here in Terracina. On that evening, as we ate inside the cramped kitchen, sealed in tight, removed from the dust and germs of the fresh open air, Ramon received for his dinner a heaping plate of rooster and polenta. I saw Paola serve him the tender breast meat of that bird, and then deliver to my plate something resembling its talon. As we ate, she would not look at me, speaking only to Ramon, who didn’t do much translating. Occasionally he gestured toward me or pointed to certain pieces of art on the walls—a series of butterfly wings fashioned into the shape of women, ceramic ticking clocks displaying incorrect times, and my favorite, a portrait of Ramon and Paola together that must have been done when they lived in Indonesia, as they were both painted with beautiful and flat crescents for eyes, which created an Asian cast. As they talked—occasionally saying words I understood, like Americana and New York and gelato—I looked down at my claw and picked around its nails with my fork.
That night Ramon and I slept in the same room, in separate wooden beds short enough for children, windows closed tight, the bedroom door wide open into the hallway and Paola’s open room across from it. The hard lumps were difficult to sleep on, and so I was awake when I heard Paola slip into the room. I opened my eyes to see her there, a silhouette in the half-light of the low-hung moon, standing over her son, her hand over her heart.
I had just fallen asleep when the rooster—one we hadn’t eaten—called us up, which led to the baying of donkeys, the squawking of chickens, and the barking of neighbors’ dogs, jangling on their chains. Dogs on chains! I tried to think of different cultural mores when I stumbled into the kitchen for breakfast with Ramon. I thought of divergent conventions, even when Paola gave me a thimbleful of fresh-squeezed orange juice—from her garden, she said, in nearly perfect English—and Ramon a glass big enough to hold two cans of beer, and I t
hought of those social mores again when he got his plate of perfectly fried eggs, while mine were both punctured and a little overcooked, my dish chipped.
I knew her husband was working in Indonesia, but who knew if he’d return, and I also knew that Ramon was not here often. I imagined Paola, at the end of her day of obsessive mopping and dusting and ironing—even socks got ironed, to burn away the germs—
and watering her garden and going into town for her bread and cheese and milk, sitting down at the wooden kitchen table, her head in her hands. I wondered what she thought about then, what she wished and longed for and what she missed most about her life, and I felt for her, deeply, all alone out here on this secluded farm, cordoned off from the world.
Until the following evening.
This particular evening Ramon and I had come back from an afternoon of drinking coffee and eating ice cream, wandering through the old stone streets, sitting at the port. We rushed home for lunch at four o’clock, which, we had been told by Paola, was the time to be there, and, as I wanted her love and approval—as I wanted the love and approval of most strangers—it was I who, despite my touristic cravings, made sure we did not go to the Temple of Jupiter on the hill or into the duomo in the piazza in order to make this time precisely.
It was just three forty-five (fifteen forty-five Euro time) when we pulled into the gate. Relieved that we were punctual (not, I would learn, a trait shared by most Italians), I then noticed a series of birdlike shadows on the reddish sand and stone of the drive. When I looked up to see what was throwing those silhouettes, I saw that it was my underwear hanging on the line. All my underwear—and it must be said it was an era of thongs—hung out in the sun, drying in the scorching heat. Just my underwear was on the line, mine alone, pinched by clothespins, the crotches exposed and baking in the sun.
As I stood and looked at the wash line of my undergarments, illuminated by the golden Italian light, I realized I did not know the Lazian customs but also I did not know Ramon terribly well. And, as I stomped over to the clothesline and began to pull my underwear down, one by one, unclipping the cruel wooden teeth that left bites in the mesh and cotton, I tried to think about the societal conventions that would make a woman do such a thing, the history of women in what I could see was an agricultural community, that would make one humiliate another in this fashion.
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