by Nella Tyler
It was basic—it was the college uniform—but somehow on Ty it looked like it was just perfect. He’d cut his hair during winter break, but he’d let it grow out a bit and it hung around his face and head in snarled, messy curls that my fingers itched to run through. As Ty moved away from me I found myself following him almost, walking far enough back to never catch up to him or quite end up in his line of sight, but so completely intrigued by just the sight of him after two months of avoiding seeing him altogether that I couldn’t just let him walk away or make myself turn around.
When Ty turned toward the dorms I stopped myself and found an empty table outside of the dining hall to sit down at. I shook my head, thinking what an idiot I had been; at any moment, Ty could have turned around and seen me following him, staring at him. It would have been humiliating.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even see Ashley approaching me until she appeared at the table, sitting down across from me. “Hey—what are you sitting out here for?” I blushed and shrugged.
“I just kind of ended up here,” I said, looking around. It was three in the afternoon; no one was really going to the dining hall for anything. Ashley must have spotted me before I’d even sat down.
“I saw you walking,” Ashley said, looking at me intently. “You looked like you were lost in a dream.” My blush deepened.
“Fine,” I said, closing my eyes and taking a quick, deep breath. “If you must know, I saw Ty for the first time in like…two months or something.” I swallowed and opened my eyes, meeting Ashley’s gaze. “I just kind of…got distracted by him.”
“Got distracted? Girl, you were stalking him, weren’t you?” I cringed, looking around to make sure that no one was eavesdropping on us.
“I wasn’t stalking,” I said, knowing I was being defensive and not entirely caring. “I just…it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him, and it was…” I shrugged. “It was weird. I just couldn’t let myself let him out of my sight for a minute.”
“Nic,” Ashley said, shaking her head. “I am ashamed of you. Ty hasn’t been seeing anyone since the two of you broke up for whatever reason it was you gave him. He’s single. If you want to see him, you can just see him!”
“It’s going to be awkward though,” I said, shaking my head to dismiss the idea. “I mean, it would be super weird to go from avoiding him all the time to like, just walking up to him and striking up a conversation, you know?”
“Why, because you know you were bullshitting everyone when you told him you just didn’t have time for both him and your classes?” Ashley raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know the real reason that you decided to cut things off with him, but I’d bet Ty would like to know.”
“He just kind of…let it drop,” I said, shrugging again. “He said that if I ever wanted to talk to him about anything, the door was open, but it’s not like he really put any effort into trying to get me to tell him what was going on, or to like—I don’t know—see if I was having second thoughts about it.”
“So what you’re telling me is that you set a boundary with him, and he obeyed that boundary and didn’t push you for more than you were comfortable with, and that’s why you don’t want to at least have a talk with him and figure out of there might still be something there?” Ashley stared at me for a long moment and shook her head. “You need to take some more psych classes, sweetie.”
“He’s a senior,” I pointed out. “Even if I did decide to try and talk to him, it’s not like it’s all that likely he’ll decide to keep things up after he graduates.”
That was—in fact—the real reason I was so hesitant, the real reason that I had pushed him away. How could a guy go from a three-year relationship and straight into another serious commitment? Obviously—at least to me—I had been just something to fill his time and someone to be comfortable and sexual with until it came time to go home after graduation.
“Well all I can say is that if you’re going to go around stalking him because the sight of him distracts you, I think it’s probably better for him to at least know why you’re staring at him from the bushes,” Ashley said, grinning a little.
“You are such a bitch sometimes,” I said, shaking my head. “I am not staring at him from the bushes or watching his dorm room or anything like that. I’ve been avoiding him for two months!”
“And then the minute you saw him you just couldn’t help following him across campus staring,” Ashley countered. “Talk to the guy. See what’s going on. Hell, that way you at least get an up-close sighting of his face.”
She stood and gathered up her stuff again. I laughed and shook my head, but in spite of the fact that I knew that I would never put her advice into practice, what Ashley had said reawakened the hunger I hadn’t even realized I’d been feeling—on top of the pain and guilt and remorse that had been in the back of my mind all the time. I couldn’t do anything about it though; I told myself that once graduation came and went, and there was no chance of me seeing Ty again, everything would be all right.
Chapter Eight
It seemed like the semester had dragged on and on, and like it had all happened in the blink of an eye, all at the same time. Before I knew it I’d gotten through midterms, and Nicole and I had been separated—with her even going so far as to avoid me—for almost the whole semester. I’d had my degree audit and I knew that all I had in front of me were finals and graduation—and the CPA exam.
I had actually scheduled to take it before the semester ended; it was the first window of the year, at the end of the testing window before the “break” month. I figured that way, if I didn’t get a high enough score the first time, I would have plenty of time left in the year to re-take the exam portions.
Dad had helped me through the application process, including fronting my fees for me—I definitely didn’t want to have to retake any part of the exam, but it was going to be a grueling process to get through the exam the first time even if I did as well as I had on the first practice test. I’d managed to get away with not yet having my degree, since I’d passed the 150 credit hours requirement, and since I was confirmed to be getting my degree in the meantime.
But as I got closer and closer to graduation, instead of thinking about Nicole less, I found myself thinking about her more. I thought about her when I showered, I thought about her while I was filling out my applications, I thought about her when I studied. It was just impossible—I wasn’t going to be able to move forward until I’d figured out what happened between us. I had to know. I had to figure out how to either make things right, or to put it to rest because there was no way to make it right.
I’d caught just the shortest glimpse of Nicole, as I was coming out of the Admin building, fresh from my degree audit. She’d cut her hair—and god, it looked amazing on her, framing her face, making her eyes look huge and sweet. I hadn’t said anything, I didn’t call out to her; I just watched her walk, looking just as beautiful as she ever had in a light, knee-length skirt and a local band’s t-shirt. I had wanted more than anything to run up to her and wrap my arms around her, but I knew better.
But I couldn’t get her out of my head. I went up to my room, and stared at the TV for a little while, pretending to watch whatever it was that I’d put on but actually thinking. Nicole had been avoiding me—but she hadn’t actually said she didn’t want to talk to me, or see me, again.
How terrible would it be for me to call her? Just to see how she was doing, and to ask her if we could talk? We hadn’t seen each other in months, and I had spent the whole time missing her, even while I was burying myself in work.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and took a deep breath. Worst-case scenario, she doesn’t take the call, or she’s blocked your number and you’ll go straight to voicemail, I thought as I pulled up Nicole’s contact information.
I took another quick breath and made myself tap the ‘call’ icon and brought the phone to my ear, waiting to find out whether or not the woman I had fallen in love with
was blocking me on her phone. It rang—once, and then twice, and I thought to myself that even if she hadn’t blocked me, she might either be in class or just not take my call at all, let it roll over. I listened as the phone rang a third time. If it went to voicemail, I told myself not to get upset—she could be in class, or in the library.
“Ty?” My heart stuttered in my chest and I closed my eyes, relief and sadness and joy rising up in me all at the same time.
“Hey,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm and level and completely neutral. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.” There was a long silence on the other end and I felt like my heart was going to drop to my knees.
“I’ve been thinking about you too,” Nicole admitted.
“I just…” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about the way that things ended between us. I know you’ve kind of been avoiding me and I probably should have said something sooner.”
“It’s okay,” Nicole said, sounding almost breathless.
“Well, I was hoping that you’d at least be…that you’d be okay with at least meeting up with me, maybe grabbing some lunch together at the dining hall, so we could talk about this?” I paused, and the silence on Nicole’s end of the line nearly killed me. “I’m not expecting you to like, immediately want to date me again or anything. I just want to talk about what happened. It’s been driving me crazy and with graduation around the corner, I don’t want to leave anything unsaid between us.”
There was another pause, and then Nicole spoke, and relief flooded me.
“I can meet you for lunch,” she said quietly. “I’m comfortable with that. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, too, and I guess…I guess I was just waiting for something like this so that we could actually talk about things.”
“I’ll meet you in front of the dining hall at 12:05,” I suggested. “That way we can avoid the first big rush for lunch.”
“That sounds good,” Nicole said. She sounded strange—but I had to hope that it was just because she was feeling as weirdly emotional as I was feeling.
“I’ll see you then,” I said. I didn’t want to hang up, but I knew I had to. I took a deep breath, mumbled a goodbye, and ended the call.
Chapter Nine
When I hung up with Ty, I wasn’t completely sure how I felt. Part of me felt glad—glad that Ty had made a move, glad that he apparently couldn’t stop thinking about me, glad that he wanted to see me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about the reasons that I’d pushed him away in the first place. We were closer than ever to the end of the year; he would graduate in less than a month. Why would he want to have anything to do with me now?
I checked the time; it was eleven in the morning. I had an hour to get ready to meet with Ty. I pressed my lips together and tried to decide whether I really wanted to go through with it or not. If I did want to go through with it, exactly how should I look? Did I want to remind Ty of what he was missing—or did I want to show up looking the same way I did every day?
I played with my hair for a moment, smiling to myself at the memory of how everyone I knew had reacted to me cutting it. Had Ty seen the new style I’d put my hair into? I had no way to know.
I decided abruptly that I was going to absolutely make sure that I looked as beautiful as possible when I met with Ty. All that was going to happen, I told myself, was that Ty was going to make a lot of explanations about Kelsey, and I would explain to him that I’d cut things off because I didn’t want to be a rebound, and that would be that. Looking my best would give me some confidence; it would make it easier not to get lost in his gray-green eyes, weaken in the face of his smile.
I hurried into the shower and told myself to take no more than twenty minutes; fortunately I’d shaved the night before, so I was able to focus on washing my hair, exfoliating and scrubbing my body, letting my conditioner sink in as I thought about why it was that Ty would pick right at that moment to decide that he absolutely had to talk to me. Had he seen me? Had he just gotten up the courage to finally contact me? I had toyed with the idea of blocking his number at the same time that I was avoiding him. I was glad, in a way, that I hadn’t. If I had blocked him, what would Ty have done? Shown up on my doorstep? Or would he have just continued to back off?
I thought about what I’d told Ashley a few weeks earlier, about how I felt about Ty and the fact that he hadn’t made any move to try and find out what had gone wrong between us, or to try and win me back. I wasn’t sure I even wanted him to try—but I also wasn’t sure I wouldn’t feel disappointed if Ty didn’t make a try to win me back.
I stepped out of the shower and went into my room, opening my closet and my dresser up to try and decide what I wanted to wear. It was getting closer to summer every day—part of the reason I had cut my hair into a chin-length bob—and I had plenty of options that I almost thought would suit the situation. I tried on one thing after another but I wasn’t satisfied with any of the dresses, or skirts, or shorts that I put on.
I didn’t really know how I felt about seeing Ty, about agreeing to meet with him. My stomach twisted and churned and I thought to myself that I wasn’t sure that I would even be able to actually eat lunch while I was so nervous. I considered calling Ashley in and asking her what she thought, what I should wear, but then I didn’t want to hear her comments about Ty and me.
I finally settled on a camisole-dress, burgundy with tiny cream-colored flowers, along with a pair of ankle boots and a cardigan. I blow-dried my hair, fluffing it up, running the brush through it to make sure it stayed straight the way I wanted it to. With only about ten minutes left before I needed to be out of the dorms, I decided to make my makeup simple. Just a little bit of concealer where I had the odd zit or two, a swipe of lip color, some mascara, a little blush to give my cheeks some color.
I was so nervous that I looked pale under the blush, and I almost decided to wipe it off—but a little blending fixed the problem, and after a few moments to gather my courage, I got my phone, my wallet, my keys, and took a deep breath before I left my dorm room and headed downstairs.
I couldn’t really believe how nervous I felt about the meeting with Ty; I had told myself over and over again that there was nothing left between us, and that I didn’t care about him anymore—I knew when Ashley had caught me “stalking” him that it was almost certainly not true, but I had still tried to convince myself that it was for the best. After all, my grades were actually halfway decent for the spring semester, without the distraction of dating someone, or hanging out with friends, or the occasional study session that ended in sex rather than memorizing facts.
I checked the time again; I was very nearly late. I couldn’t quite make myself hurry, even knowing that I was possibly going to be late. I still didn’t know how much I wanted to see Ty in order to reconcile, or if I wanted to see him so that I could finally, completely, close the door on our relationship. I even thought that maybe I was mostly seeing him out of a sense of guilt. If I had come forward, if I had been direct and explained to him months ago that I was afraid of being a rebound, that I couldn’t be comfortable with someone who apparently still had some kind of feelings toward his ex, I wouldn’t have left him wondering all this time.
I got closer to the dining hall and nearly turned on my heel and fled. I wanted to see Ty—I was hungry to see him—but I was also afraid of seeing him again. I was afraid that I would just lose it; start crying, acting like a fool, promising him the moon and the stars if he would just forgive me.
I forced myself to keep moving forward. I would see this confrontation through, and I would come out on the other side. I took a deep breath and a few more steps toward the dining hall entrance.
Just when I was certain I had myself completely under control, that I would be able to see Ty, to talk to him without crying or getting upset, fully composed, I spotted him. He was standing against one of the pillars outside of the entrance, and in that moment, he just looked so amazing: so comforting, so real, so much of what I had wanted
and itched and burned for ever since I’d made the decision to push him away.
My feet started to move before I could even get over the shock of seeing him; in moments, I was racing toward him, running, tears stinging my eyes and my heart pounding in my chest.
“Oh, god…Ty…” He looked up and saw me and he smiled—just a tiny smile, just a little flicker of joy in his bright eyes and on his boyish face—and then his arms were open, and I threw myself against him, burying my face against his chest, as tears poured out of me. I hadn’t realized how much I had wanted him, how much I had needed him, ever since I’d made myself separate from him.
Ty’s hands moved over my body slowly, caressing me, soothing me, and after a moment the spasms began to abate. I pulled back, feeling more than a little foolish, and looked up into his face. “I’m sorry,” I said, cringing at the thought that exactly what I had hoped to avoid had happened.
“Don’t be,” Ty said, smiling slightly. “It’s pretty flattering, having a girl who’s been avoiding you for months throw herself into your arms.” He licked his lips and held my gaze for a long moment, and my heart started beating faster once more.
Before I could react, Ty closed the little bit of distance between us and pressed his lips against mine. I closed my eyes, melting against him, feeling the heat of his body along every curve of mine. Ty held me tightly, deepening the kiss moment by moment, and I could feel the desire I’d kept pushing to the back of my mind getting stronger and stronger. If I let the moment continue, I knew we’d be hurrying back to his dorm or to mine in a matter of moments, and no talking at all would go on.