by Ho, Jo
She shrugged thin shoulders. “Wait, they said.”
I pushed my empty drink away, annoyed. “What’re you supposed to do for money until then?”
Mom played with the straw on her own drink but didn't drink any of it. “Don’t think they care. Not like they have a pot of cash that they give out to callers.”
I knew she was right, but it just seemed unhelpful.
"Thanks for trying to catch that guy," she said, giving me a grateful smile.
I shrugged like it was no big deal. "You should thank Bandit, he was the one who went after him. I just followed to make sure he was safe."
Hearing his name, Bandit’s tail thumped on the seat next to me. His tongue was hanging out in that goofy grin of his. Mom looked at him uncertainly.
"Right. Thanks, Bandit."
He woofed, pleased with himself. Though she gave him a small smile, I could see it didn't quite reach her eyes. Even though she could see how good he was, she still didn’t like him. I would never in a million years understand how that could be, how some folks just didn’t like animals. People who were allergic or scared because they had been attacked by a dog when they were a kid? That I understood, but not liking them without a reason? That made about as much sense as a vegetarian who ate fish.
We sat there for a while as she continued to play with her drink. I watched as the ice cream melted into a layer of vanilla foam, fidgeting in my seat. The silence made me uncomfortable — we weren’t just a normal mother and daughter after all — so I forced myself to break it.
"So, what's new back home?”
She looked at me over the top of her glass. ”I’m still working part-time in the bar, and Tubs is still driving trucks. A bunch of new people moved into the park, but I haven’t met any of them yet. Let me think, what else… oh, I did see Miss. Hannah a while back, bumped into her at Subway. She asked about you."
Miss. Hannah was my head teacher. She was a tiny thing and had to wear crazy high heels just to reach my chest, but she made up for that with her booming voice. She was a stern woman who had a habit of sneaking up on you when you least expected it: most of the kids were scared of her. I always thought I got on her nerves because I messed around a lot in class so this was a surprise. "What did she say?"
"She just wanted to know if I had heard from you.”
"That's nice. I thought she hated me."
"Well, she doesn't."
This was certainly stimulating conversation, not. I figured we could sit here making awkward chit chat all day or I could just say the things that have been on my mind for so long. With nothing left to lose I decided to bite the bullet.
"Why are you still with him?" she blinked, taken aback by my direct question. Hesitating, she fumbled for an answer.
"It's complicated..." She finally began, but I interrupted her.
"No, it's not. He's an abusive jerk and you should have left him long ago.” I retorted angrily.
She lay her hands palm down on either side of the glass, pushing down on the table for strength. "It's not that simple, I can't just leave. That's my home."
"It's a tin can. It's worthless and you can get another — equally worthless — someplace else. Someplace where he isn't there." My words were becoming clipped the angrier I got. Concerned for my spiraling mood, Bandit snuck his head onto my lap to comfort me. He sighed a big long doggie sigh.
"And who’s gonna take care of me if I did that? If I left him, who’s gonna pay my bills or the rent, you tell me that?"
She was getting angry now too. Her mouth was set into a tight line and she folded her arms across her chest.
"What are you talking about? Why does somebody have to look after you? You're a grown woman, why can't you look after yourself? Look at me! I spent eight months by myself on the streets and I was fine… and I'm fourteen!”
She looked at me shaking her head sadly.
"You don't get it, do you? I'm not like you. You've always been able to take care of yourself, but I can't do that. I'm not built that way."
I was stunned.
I couldn't believe she actually believed that. Is this why she had never looked after me when I was growing up? Had she always thought I was so capable that she just never bothered to be my mother? My heart ached as I felt suddenly deeply sad for the little girl I had been, the one who had needed her mother to protect her from harm. After all this time, I finally understood why my life had been the way it was.
She couldn’t stop thinking about herself, not even for one minute.
"Other people deal with crap everyday Mom, and yet they manage fine. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop being a victim.”
I thought my words would put her on the defensive, instead, her eyes turned bright. She sat up a little taller and her arms unfolded. "Actually, I have something planned and when it works out, I’ll be able to get myself straight."
“Good,” I replied, "but is this something you can still have if Tubs is in the picture?"
"No," she said quietly, looking down into her drink. Her shoulders drooped and she looked suddenly resigned. “It’s been so long, I don’t know who I am anymore…” She looked up at me, but now I saw something other than the despair she wore around her — it was hope. "But these few days without him, even though I've been sleeping in my car, I’ve felt better than I have in years."
She smiled then. "I'd forgotten what it feels like when you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself.” She looked almost young again when she smiled like that. "I like it."
"So you know what to do," I said.
She nodded, suddenly vulnerable. "Will you help me?"
I started, startled by her request. "Help you, how?"
"Well, that guy took off with my bag. Everything I had was in there..."
My eyes hardened. "I already told you, if you're asking for money…”
She raised her hands at me. "No, no. I’ll still have a little on me. I’m saying if I went for help, would you come with me?"
I didn't answer straight away, not knowing what it was that she wanted. I snuck a sideways look at Bandit but he seemed as confused as I was. "Come with you where, exactly?"
She took out a printout of a website from her pocket to show me. It was a place called Pinewood and was some sort of woman’s charity from what I could make out. "There's a shelter for women like me. It's about an hours drive from here. I found the information yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since.”
My eyes narrowed. "Wait, you found this out yesterday? But you let me go on about leaving Tubs when you've already half decided to?”
She sighed at me to stop. "It gets a lot easier to realize what you should do when you're away, Chase. But just because I know what I should do, it doesn’t make it any easier for me."
I bit my lip to stop from telling her off any further. She was right. Since I’d been away from them, my head had gotten much clearer and I had certainly become happier.
"Please? Would you just come with me for support? It shouldn't take long."
She seemed so desperate that against my better judgment I found myself caving. "Let me call Sully and tell him where we’re going.”
She nodded. "I'll use the restroom while you call."
She got up and left the table. I took out my cell and dialed his number. It rang for five rings but he didn't pick up. I let out an exasperated breath. What was with Sully and his inability to pick up the phone these days? I left a quick voicemail telling him that I was going to accompany my mom to the women's shelter in Pinewood, then stroked Bandit.
"You think I'm doing the right thing?" I asked him. He made a sound that was half whine, half chuff. I figured he agreed although, like me, he wasn't particularly happy about it. We sat for what must have been five minutes before mom returned to the table. She had a paper bag in her hands and I could smell the undeniable scent of sausage and egg muffins wafting up.
"Splashed out on breakfast with the last of the cash I had on me. My wa
y of saying thanks. Why don’t you guys eat on the way. I want to make sure we get there early, I’ve heard they give out beds on a first-come basis.”
She left the diner as Bandit and I followed her outside. I went to grab my bike but she stopped me.
“That’s not going to fit in my car.”
I looked at her small car, then my bike and I knew she was right. I felt my forehead crease into a frown. I wanted to bring it with me, just in case something happened and I needed to find my own way home, but I could see that it just wasn’t going to happen.
“Ok,” I said reluctantly. Making sure the bike was securely locked, we got into her car. I took the passenger seat while Bandit climbed into the back. He was already looking out of the window, excited by the idea of a ride. Like other dogs, he loved to hang his head out of it, while his tongue lapped up bugs, air, and dirt. Not for the first time, I wondered why this was a thing with them: you’d never catch a cat doing that. Mom handed us the muffins.
“Thanks,” I said as I unwrapped mine but I stopped her when she went to help Bandit with his. "That much salt isn't good for him," I said.
She shook her head and laughed. "Come on, one isn’t going to hurt is it?"
Bandit paced the seat, anxious for the food. He was practically drooling by this point so I figured it would be really cruel if he wasn’t allowed one. "Fine," I said to him. "But we can't tell Sully, okay?"
Bandit woofed, yes.
I noticed that she wasn’t eating. “You’re not having one?”
“You know I can’t eat in the morning,” she replied, which was true. All the time growing up, I maybe saw her eat breakfast only a few times. “Besides, it means there more for you two.” She shook the bag and I could see that there were still some muffins left inside.
Happily, the two of us chowed down on our muffins as my mom started the engine and drove us out of town.
52
Sully
After our fight last night, Sam and I had barely spoken and when I woke this morning, it was to find a note on the bedside table asking me to meet her at “our place”.
This was a secluded spot in the nearby woods where Sam and I loved to hike along the nature trail. We'd had many a picnic there, and this was the one place we retreated to when we needed a timeout from the rest of the clan, much as we could get to within ten minutes, anyway.
The sun shone brightly though it wasn’t enough to compete with the morning cold. Buttoning up my flannel shirt, I jumped out of my truck and grabbed Sam’s thermos which I had found draining on the sink. She’d forgotten to take it so I filled it up with coffee. I’d brought mugs and donuts with me too as food always seemed much nicer when enjoyed outdoors. I was trying to make amends, and this seemed the least I could do for the woman I loved.
Leaves and twigs snapped underfoot as I hiked briskly, enjoying the crisp air. These hikes were the one thing I had missed when I lived in Ellington. Deep down, I wasn’t a city person, and the lack of greenery and mountains had hit me hard, but it was what Em had wanted. She’d had friends and family there and it didn’t make sense for us to be anywhere else.
I had only been going a few minutes when I saw Sam's figure ahead of me. She was sitting on the grass, her back against a towering oak. Although she wasn’t wearing anything fancy — just jeans and a sweater — my breath caught at the sight of her. Her cheeks were red from the cold and her eyes bright. Her glossy curls spilled down her back like a velvet curtain. Thoughts of our fight last night flew straight out of my mind.
At my arrival, she stood up. I leaned forward to kiss her, but she ducked out of the way. Seeing her serious expression, butterflies did a dance inside my stomach.
"Hey."
"Hey," she answered softly, keeping her eyes on the ground.
This definitely wasn't good. She couldn't smile at me, could barely look at me. And her confident normal manner was nowhere to be found.
"Thanks for joining me up here," she started. "I know we didn't have a restful night."
“Do you want to sit down? I brought us breakfast…”
I held up the food, but she shook her head, disinterested. "Sully, look. I need you to listen to me without interruption.”
An alarm sounded deep within my head as a thousand objections flooded my mind. However, respectful of her wishes, I nodded. She shoved her hands into her pockets and continued.
"This isn't working for me. I was ready to move ahead with you, but it's become clear to me now that you're not in the same place, and as much as I hate to say this, as much as I hate to do this to you, Chase and the others, I think it's best if we took a break.”
Of all the things I expected her to say that wasn't it. I felt the smile freeze on my face as I stood there, motionless. "I know I've been distracted with everything that's happened, but don't you think this is extreme?"
She shook her head sadly. "No, I don’t. You asked me to marry you and then you freaked out as soon as you saw your ex-wife's grave. I don't need to be a shrink to see that this is a big, big problem.”
I set down the food and grabbed her hands. “I didn’t freak out when I saw her grave, Sam, I freaked out when I saw that it had been disturbed, and then there was the comb and the phone message. Please don’t make this out to be something it’s not.”
She pulled away from me. “I’m not going to talk about all that again — we just keep going round in circles when, the truth is, we might not ever know where the message came from, if it came at all. I did run a trace on that number, Sully, but it came back with nothing. There has been no activity on that line since Emma’s death. And the contract ended a few months after she died. You canceled it yourself.”
I tried to hide my feelings on the subject, but I was reeling from her revelations. “Well, I said I probably had… I just didn’t remember. You can’t hold that against me, I was dealing with the loss of my wife!”
Sam paused, taking a breath. “It’s not just that… when we met, you gave me the impression that you were long over Emma, but when we were at the clinic, Florence told me how you were holding onto Emma’s things for a year Sully - you couldn’t even get rid of her toiletries. We only got together a month or two later. How could you have gone from one extreme to the other?”
“Because I did!” I yelled, unable to help myself. “I fell in love with you, and I moved on.”
Sam shook her head sadly. “No. You’re not over her. In fact, I think you haven’t grieved properly and you may be suffering from a form of depression that can cause hallucinations. Which means you really did see that message, if only in your head.”
I blinked, unbelievably. “Are you serious?”
Her voice became earnest. “Yes. I’ve been looking into the different forms of grief and your symptoms fit. It’s why I wanted you to get help. Think about everything you’ve gone through, Sully. Emma’s cancer, her death. Then, while you were clinging onto whatever you could of hers, you were attacked by Forbes’ men who destroyed everything you had — they essentially destroyed her all over again for you.”
I heard her words but I couldn’t take them in. She was wrong. “That’s not what happened. I’m fine, dammit! The only thing that would cause me to feel grief again is you breaking up with me!”
Her eyes filled with tears. "I don’t want to, but I can’t stand by and watch you get worse. I've waited a long time to find my husband, and I'm not about to rush that now, especially if you're not ready. I care about you too much to do this to you."
"That doesn't even make sense. You care about me too much to marry me?"
Among the thick cloud of confusion and panic that had fallen over me, I realized that my pocket was vibrating. Someone was calling me, but I ignored it.
"One day you'll understand, Sully. When this is all over, and you are finally over your ex, you will know why I did this."
And with that, she ran off.
I wanted to chase after her. Wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until sense r
eturned, but I remained frozen, rooted to the spot.
I could do nothing but watch the woman I loved walk out of my life.
53
Chase
I inhaled that muffin and the next like my life depended on it.
Since I’d lived here, I'd gotten used to having breakfast, so today when I skipped it, it had seemed like a really big deal. Usually, we had toast or cereal though occasionally Gid would whip up some eggs and bacon. Those times didn’t happen as much, now that he was a working man, so those muffins felt like a real treat. Bandit had chowed his down in two bites and was now licking his chops and making happy noises in the backseat.
I wiped my mouth on a napkin and looked out at the scenery. Trees and buildings blurred past as we drove away from the town, hitting country within moments. Fields of wheat and barley shimmered under the morning sun. The sky was a brilliant blue, and it was only the slight chill in the air that revealed summer had passed. I shot a sideways look at my mom but she seemed intensely focused on driving. She sat stiffly and her hands gripped the steering wheel real tight. I guessed she was nervous about what we would find ahead of us.
I checked my phone to see if Sully had messaged — he hadn’t and I was annoyed to find that the battery was now blinking at me. Figures that the moment I left town, my phone would be dying.
“Do you have a car charger?” I asked my Mom.
She shot me an apologetic look. “Yes, but it was in my bag.”
Of course, it was. Just my luck.
I fell silent as we continued on our journey. We didn't talk, which was good in a way, as now we were in this small confined space, I found I didn't know what to say. If I were honest, we never really spoke much to each other before either. Mom was always preoccupied with her latest boyfriend, and when there wasn’t one in the picture, she’d spend all her time going out while she tried to find a new one. From the age of ten, she’d frequently left me alone in that trailer while she trawled the local bars for her latest victim, but I had never minded as it meant I could stay up late and watch whatever I wanted to on the TV. I also learned how to make a mean mac ’n’ cheese in the microwave.