by KB Winters
I looked at my two dearest friends. Kelly was there when my last relationship had imploded on me, and she’d been nothing but wonderfully understanding and supportive. Not once had she ever made me feel shame for what had been an unwitting affair with a married man. I’d been young and enamored with my advisor during graduate school. The man was older, wiser, and full of knowledge, which drew me to him like a magnet on steel.
“I thought I was going to marry him.”And just like that, the floodgates opened, and I let out every tear I’d never allowed myself to cry.
Remembering the shame I felt at finding out the man I’d given my body to—and had planned an elaborate future with—was married once again welled up inside me. I hadn’t known he was married. If I had…I would’ve never given him the time of day. If not for a series of coincidences that led me to Los Angeles for a job interview at a school there, I might have been with him to this day—pining and waiting for the day that he’d decide to marry me. I let myself go boneless, trusting my friends to catch me, and they did. Heather held me from behind as I clung to Kelly. I could feel someone’s hand caressing my hair and I just let myself grieve. I grieved for the two years lost where I wasted my time playing house with a man who lied to me. I grieved for the naïve girl who thought she was one of the lucky ones who found her prince charming without ever having to look. But even more, I grieved for the part of me that died the day I saw the man I’d loved for so long in a picture frame surrounded by his wife and kids.
“Talk to Cole, Savannah. You will regret it if you don’t, I know you will.”
I didn’t speak, but I nodded in acknowledgement of Kelly’s softly uttered statement. She was right and now it was time for me to put on my big girl panties and talk to Cole.
Chapter Two
Telling myself I needed to talk to Cole was easy. Making myself actually pick up the phone and dial his number was much more difficult and even though it had been three days since my emotion-filled talk with Heather and Kelly, I still hadn’t gathered the courage to do more than stare at Cole’s number on my phone.
At the rate I was going, I’d probably become superintendent of the whole school district before I’d manage to plan an accidental run in with him. It wasn’t like I couldn’t do it, especially with his little sister being a student at my school. All it would take was a false claim and one after-school detention to bring the two of us in contact again. But, I didn’t have the heart to do that. I’d never once falsified a claim against anyone and I had no desire to start now. Plus it wouldn’t have been fair to use a student for my own personal and highly selfish reasons.
I sighed out loud and buried my face in my hands. No matter how many scenarios I planned out, I was still a coward and I knew I’d never be able to give myself the push I needed. For as strong and put together as everyone thought I was…I was still just a woman who was as haunted by her past as anyone else.
“Ms. Rogers?”
I looked up sharply at my name being called, alarmed that I hadn’t even heard a knock on my door. “Yes?” My voice was soft and still sounded slightly vulnerable thanks to my thoughts, but the teen that walked in wasn’t looking at me anyway.
“Can I help you?” I asked, glad to hear my voice returning back to its normal authoritative tone.
The girl looked up finally and I was startled to see that it was Candice, the same girl who’d been in my office not even three weeks earlier after being involved in a fight with another student. Her hand still had a brace on it, but she looked to be fine otherwise.
“I was wondering if I could ask you for a favor.”
I sat up straight in my chair, intrigued. Despite having worked at this school for two years, no one, not even the faculty, had ever asked me for a favor. I didn’t include Heather in that, because she was a friend before anything else, and because she usually didn’t ask for favors. If she wanted something from me, she annoyed me until I gave in.
“Of course, what can I do for you? You haven’t been getting into anymore fights have you?” I asked with a small smile.
Candice returned my smile with a small one of her own. I noted she looked about as exhausted as I felt. She was wearing a soft pink sweater that seemed to engulf her slight frame, and I marvelled again at how someone so small could have broken another student’s nose.
“Well, I had debate team practice after school today, and I thought I told my brother to come pick me up.”
I nodded along as she spoke. A quick glance over at the clock showed me just how late it was and I was surprised. I must have been thinking to myself for quite a while. “Is he on his way?”
Candice looked down and shook her head. “I…I don’t know. I’ve called and texted, but there’s no answer on the house phone or his cell.”
I frowned to myself. “Well, that’s not good. Do you think there might be something wrong? Do I need to call the authorities?” I reached out towards the phone.
“No!” Candice exclaimed. She looked up at me quickly waving her hands. “I don’t think it’s anything like that.” She calmed as I moved my hand away from the phone. “Our mom is really sick, so he’s probably just busy taking care of her or something. That’s all.”
“Oh,” I breathed out in relief. “Well then, do you need a ride home? Is it too far for you to walk?”
The girl’s relieved smile made me forget about my own predicament which was nice. I genuinely enjoyed helping my students and this wasn’t the first time I’d given one of them a ride home.
“That would be great Ms. Rogers. I mean…only if it isn’t too much trouble for you?”
I smiled and shook my head. “It’s no trouble at all, Candice. I’m just about finished up here. Why don’t you go and gather your books and meet me at the office door?”
She nodded vigorously thanking me gratefully more than once. I waved it off with a smile and stood up from my own chair as she exited my office. Focusing on the needs of my students always helped me forget my own problems, at least for a little while, and I welcomed the distraction.
* * * *
The drive to Candice’s house was quiet, but not uncomfortably so. I’d turned on the satellite radio as soon as we got in the car, and she seemed to be content enough to hum along to whatever song came on. It was easy to keep the small smile on my face as we sailed through traffic.
“So how is your hand healing up?” I asked looking over at Candice. Her gaze didn’t waver as she stared straight ahead.
“It’s healing okay. I have to keep this brace on for another couple of weeks, but it’s pretty light, so it’s not too bad.”
I nodded. I remembered having to wear a brace once as a kid as well. “That’s good at least. Is the other boy bothering you anymore?”
She shook her head. “No. I think getting his nose broken by a girl was all of the embarrassment he could stomach for the school year.” Candice looked over at me with a wry grin. “But there’s always next year I suppose.”
Unable to help myself, I laughed. As much as I told my students not to solve their problems with violence, I couldn’t help but find the whole situation amusing, especially after having reviewed the camera footage from the cafeteria. “At first, I thought you were joking when you said he ran into your fist.”
“Nope,” Candice said popping the last ‘p’ sound for emphasis. “If I really wanted to fight him, he would’ve had a lot more than just a broken nose.”
I tried to look stern at her words, but I knew my facial expression probably still looked amused. “Well, don’t go getting any ideas.”
“I won’t. I promise. Besides, if I did then my brother would probably ground me for a month, and trying to sneak out of the house when you live with a Marine is damn near impossible.”
I chuckled, ignoring her curse word and turned my focus back to the road. We continued on in silence for another few minutes before I felt Candice’s gaze turn back to me. I glanced over quickly giving her a quizzical look. “What’s wrong?”
I gave her a reassuring smile. “No, seriously. You can ask me a question if you’d like.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
I nodded. “Positive.”
Candice was silent for a moment, and I waited patiently allowing her to build up the courage to ask me her questions. “Do you ever have trouble…with your emotions?”
‘All the fucking time,’ I thought to myself. Instead, I answered, “Trouble how?”
She looked down at her hands, where they were resting in her lap, and I could see her clench one fist out of the corner of my eye. “Like, trouble keeping them from exploding?” Her voice was soft and almost too quiet for me to hear. “Sometimes I feel like…”
“You feel like what?” I prompted when her voice trailed off.
I could hear her swallow loudly before she continued. “Sometimes I feel like, so angry I just want to hit someone until I have no feelings left. Sometimes I feel so mad I want to scream at everyone around me and use every bad word that I can think of. Other times…other times, I’m so sad I just want the ground to swallow me whole.”
Her voice cracked at the end, and I could feel her pain as surely as if it were my own. I reached over and covered her hands with one of my own. “It’s completely normal to be angry and feel helpless when someone you love is ill.” Her hand that was not in a brace curled around mine. “It’s also normal to feel guilty that they’re ill while you’re not.”
“Is it normal to be mad at the world?”
I gifted her with a small sad smile. “Absolutely.”
Candice looked down at our clasped hands, but remained quiet for the rest of the drive. When we pulled up to her house, I gave her hand a soft squeeze before letting go. The look she gave me was sad, but also slightly relieved as if our talk, no matter how short it was, had taken some of the weight from her shoulders.
I unbuckled my seat belt and stepped out of the car to make sure she got inside okay. I was expecting her mother to come out and greet us when she saw a strange car pull up with her daughter inside. What I was not expecting was to walk around my car and come face to face with—
“Savannah?”
I swallowed thickly as that deep voice echoed through my skull. I could see Candice looking back and forth as if trying to understand why her brother knew my first name. I knew I had to say something before things got awkward, but it was as if my mouth was now paralyzed.
“Do you guys know each other?” Candice asked.
I could feel myself nodding weakly, and I cursed the fact that I could practically feel my cheeks heating.
“Why don’t you go inside, Candi,” Cole said, walking over to the teen I now recognized from when Cole had shown up at my school two weeks ago.
“But—“
“Mom needs you,” he interrupted. “She wants to hear about how your debate club practice is going as well.”
I swallowed thickly, but gave Candice what I hoped was a reassuring smile. She returned it, before turning away and walking to the front door. Cole and I remained silent watching her until she stepped into the house and closed the door behind her.
“Thanks for bringing my sister home. I’d forgotten that I needed to pick her up and then when I realized it, I was already late.”
I shook my head. “It was no trouble at all, really. Candice is…your sister is a great kid.”
“Yeah, she is.”
“She, uh…she told me she’s having trouble with keeping her emotions in check and feeling guilty about your mom’s illness.”
Cole looked at me surprised. “She talked to you about it?”
“A little,” I answered with a small shrug. “I told her it’s normal—the things that she’s feeling. That everyone has trouble with their emotions and to give herself time.”
He ran a hand through his hair, and I tried not to get distracted by the muscles in his arm. Cole was wearing a thin shirt that did nothing to hide the cut of his muscles. “I’ve been telling her that for months, but—“
“Give yourself time too,” I cut in abruptly. His look was startled and I could see how vulnerable he was as well. It made me hurt for him and I wished all at once that we had met a different way, maybe before the events that made me so closed off to begin with.
“Well, thanks again for bringing her home,” Cole said, before turning away.
I looked at his broad back and cursed my own cowardly behavior. Here I was thinking about myself, and how upset I was at how things had gone down between us, without thinking about how things must have been for him.
“I’m sorry.”
Cole stopped at my words, but he didn’t turn back around to face me. I took a step closer to him, but paused before I reached his side. I could see his back tense as if he could sense me moving towards him and not for the first time I wondered about the training he must have had over the years.
“You’re sorry.”
I nodded at his words even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “Yes. I’m sorry for accusing you of things before I even got to know you and—“
“It’s fine.” Cole’s sharp words made me pause and I closed my mouth with a click. There was so much more that I wanted to say. I wanted to apologize and ask for another chance to start over with him, but his short answers and tone made all hope dry up inside of me.
“Okay,” I replied quietly taking a step back. No other words were needed. This was something that I could not fix. I turned back to my car trying to keep the tears at bay at least until I was enclosed in my own space. “Goodbye, Cole.” I didn’t wait to hear if he said anything in response, instead hurrying around my car and practically falling back into the driver’s seat. As I pulled away from the curb, I gave up the fight and let the tears fall down my cheeks at the fact that I had sabotaged myself. No one was to blame for what had happened aside from me.
I did this.
That was the only thought that ran through my head as I slowly drove home. Somehow Cole had wormed his way into my mind and feelings, despite me trying to keep him at arm’s length, and I didn’t know what to do now.
I walked into the house, dropping my purse at the door and not even bothering to hang up my jacket. The house seemed so quiet and it was the last place I really wanted to be. Even now, I could still sometimes catch a whiff of Cole’s scent, and it would make me remember the feeling of him against me as we moved together passionately. I wanted to hate him for making me feel this way, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault that I was apparently a shitty person and the truth was I didn’t even want to blame him. I really just wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of my life.
The doorbell rang and I let out a frustrated sigh. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, but I knew it was probably Kelly or Heather coming over the check on me. “Guys, I’m fine. You don’t have to come over and check on m—” My words stopped when I opened the door and came face to face with Cole.
“Cole.” My voice was breathless, but full of the surprise I felt at seeing him at my door. “What are you doing here?”
He looked at me for a moment before answering. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.” I nodded slowly, taking a step back so he could walk through the door. I closed the door behind him and just stared at his broad shoulders, unsure if whether it was really him or if I were slowly but surely going insane. “What are you doing here?”
He seemed to be thinking of his words carefully, and I stayed silent. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and have him leave.
“You said you were sorry.” He looked at me, and I nodded to confirm. “Did you really mean it?”
I jerked in surprise. “Of course, I did. I wouldn’t have apologized otherwise.” I frowned in confusion. What is he trying to get at?
Cole walked back to where I still stood at the front door. He reached down and grabbed my wrist and I let him.
“I want to stay mad at you.”
My h
eartbeat accelerated, and my stomach dropped at the same time at Cole’s words. I tried to pull away from the grip he had on my wrist, but he was too strong for me to pull away. When I stopped struggling, he eased up ever so slightly, but I didn’t try to move away again.
“I wanted to stay mad at you,” Cole stated again moving closer to me, but stopping just short of pressing our bodies together. I was thankful for the space as my head was already swimming with his proximity. The two weeks apart had apparently done nothing to dull my aching need for him.
“So why don’t you?” I asked quietly. I couldn’t look him in the eye, so my gaze stopped somewhere at his chin and I noted how scruffy he looked. Had he been as upset about things as I had? “I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I was kind of a…”
“You’re an amazingly beautiful woman who has been hurt before and I understand that,” Cole finished. I closed my eyes against his words. I didn’t feel like I deserved his understanding after being such a bitch to begin with. “And you’re not a bitch, Savannah.”
My eyes opened at Cole’s softly uttered words. He was closer than before, and I sighed as the hand not holding my wrist came up and cupped my cheek. His gaze turned soft as he looked down at me.
“I know someone hurt you, and you’ve had to be strong to get past it,” Cole intoned. “But you don’t have to be hard or closed off as well.”
I nodded. “I know, and I don’t mean to be. I just don’t know how else to be.”
Cole let go of my wrist and brought his other hand up to cup my opposite cheek. He leaned forward and I thought for a moment he was going to kiss me, but he simply rested his forehead against my own. The intimacy of it shocked me to my core, and I could feel my heart beating frantically. This easy intimacy he was giving me was completely unlike what I’d felt before.
“Let me show you, Savannah. Let me help you figure things out.”
“What if we don’t work?” I asked my voice small and quiet as I gave voice to my biggest fear in regards to relationships. “What if I find out you aren’t who you say you are?” I trembled slightly in his arms and brought my own hands up to grip the front of his shirt trying to ground myself. “What if—? God, I barely know you.”