Going through that store had made this a little more real. Sure, I’d bantered with Isaac and Carmen. I’d done what I could to settle their fears and ease their worries, but I hadn’t put a dent in my own. Seeing all those things we wouldn’t need and all the things we would had brought back every the fatigue-blurred memory of Ryan’s infancy.
Stores like that really did bug the hell out of me. Companies spent all that energy scaring parents with bullshit boogeymen, but no one said a damned word about the real thing. No one ever tells a parent that after all the material security is bought and in place, when recommendations are followed to the letter and every safety gadget is installed, even the youngest and most inexperienced parent still wonders.
I could have wrapped Ryan in bubble wrap and put him to bed with a crash helmet on, and I’d still have watched him sleep. It seemed silly now, but over the years, I’d gathered I wasn’t the only parent who’d watched his kid sleep out of the irrational but undeniable certainty that the baby only kept breathing because I constantly willed him to do so. I’d always chalked it up to inexperience. I was a terrified kid. But now, at thirty-four and with close to seventeen years of parenting under my belt, not to mention being financially secure and in a solid relationship, I was just as nervous as I was the day Julia told me she was pregnant. This was a second chance to get it right from the start, but it was also a second chance to royally fuck it up again.
Carmen and Isaac saw me as cool and confident. They saw me approaching this new era without batting an eye because I’d done it once before. The truth was, I’d been there once before, and that was exactly why I was nervous as hell this time around. They heard, “Oh, piece of cake, I’ve done this before.” What they didn’t hear was, “Oh, shit, now I have to start from scratch, and I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
My mind wandered back to the first time I ever held Ryan. That moment was seared into my memory and would be until the day I died. I swore I could still feel the weight of the world condensed into seven pounds, ten ounces and swaddled in a blanket, nestled in the crook of my arm. More than being in the delivery room, or seeing him for the first time, or watching Julia hold him, that was the moment it all became real. That was when the abstract “you’re going to be a parent” became the concrete “this person is now your responsibility”.
As Ryan got older, that nauseating worry and fear had eased, but it never went away completely. Rational or not, even in those moments when I wanted to choke him myself, I still worried about Ryan when he was out of my sight. Not that he’d randomly stop breathing, but that he’d fall victim to the kind of freak accident that existed only in an overprotective parent’s head. I’d have liked to have thought they were all in my head, anyway, but my job made sure I was kept abreast of every possible catastrophe that could take my child from me at any moment.
I shuddered, and Isaac stirred a little. I held still, certain I’d woken him, but he didn’t move again.
I had no idea if other parents were as paranoid as I was. It was probably a combination of my job, the lingering fear of a teenaged father and my deep-seated need to not screw this up. My father had instilled in me a fear of failure. Fatherhood had cemented that fear with the absolute certainty I would fail at this.
It hadn’t stopped when Ryan got older, either. He’d been driving confidently since he was fourteen, legally since he’d turned sixteen a few months ago, and I still had to take a few deep breaths whenever he took the car out. Hell, Isaac was forty, and his mother had still nearly had a stroke when she found out we’d gone skydiving. How she’d stayed sane with five kids, I’d never know. The thought of feeling this way about two kids was enough to make my head spin.
So did I warn Isaac and Carmen up front? Or let them sleep now while they still could?
Chapter Fourteen
Carmen
Don was on duty a few nights later, so when Isaac went to his mother’s house, he invited me to go with him. Of all of our parents, his were the most likely to be civil about this whole thing, so we decided to tell them first.
He put the car in park and exhaled. He looked up at his mother’s house, and even in the low light, the apprehension in his eyes was unmistakable.
I put a hand on his knee. “How do you think she’ll take it?”
“No idea. My folks have always been open-minded about stuff, but…” He paused, chewing his lip. “Stuff like this, you just never know how it’ll go.”
“Ready to find out?”
He rested his hand on mine, then looked at me and nodded. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”
We got out of the car and walked up the narrow paved path that led to the front porch. He pushed open the door and gestured for me to go in ahead of him.
Something fragrant was cooking, and I knew immediately that Sarah was a better cook than my mom. With any luck, maybe she was also a more reasonable human being.
“Mom?” Isaac called down the hall. “Richard?”
“In here, hon,” a woman’s voice came from elsewhere in the house. A moment later, a short, plump woman with curled gray hair appeared, smiling broadly at us as she wiped her hands on her apron. “Oh, there’s my baby.” She put her arms out, and Isaac hugged her.
Then he gestured at me. “Mom, this is Carmen. Carmen, my mother, Sarah.”
“Nice to finally meet you,” I said.
“Likewise.” She smiled, then looked at her son. “Where is Donovan tonight?”
“Oh, he’s on duty,” Isaac said.
She gave a wistful sigh and looked at me. “Figures a son of mine would be lucky enough to snag a fireman.”
“Mother.”
“She has a point,” I said. “Firefighters are hot.”
“Especially that one,” she said with a conspiratorial wink.
In all the years I’d known him, I had never seen Isaac’s face turn that red. He shot me a playful glare but said nothing.
Sarah took us into the kitchen, where she offered us coffee—which I politely declined even though it smelled wonderful—and seats at the table. As we settled in and after everyone made the cursory small talk, Isaac and I exchanged glances.
He cleared his throat. Thumbing his chin, he turned to his mother. “So, um, I guess we might as well cut to the chase.”
Sarah’s eyebrows rose above the frames of her glasses. “Well, all right. You said you wanted to discuss something.”
Isaac took a breath. “Listen, this is going to sound a little strange.”
His mother smiled. “Well, that’s not unusual with you.”
Isaac forced a laugh. “This might be a bit weird even for me.”
“Oh?” She sat back, folding her hands across her lap. “Do tell, then.”
He gulped. He reached for my hand, and when he squeezed it, I returned the gesture, hoping he found some reassurance in it.
Sarah looked at our hands and furrowed her brow. “Isaac…”
“Carmen is…” He paused. “Carmen’s pregnant. And the baby is…” He glanced at me again before turning to his mother. “Ours.”
“‘Ours’?” she said. “Meaning, yours and Carmen’s.”
“And Don’s,” he whispered.
She cocked her head. “Now, son, I know you passed biology in high school, so—”
He laughed. “No, I know, I don’t mean literally, biologically, all of ours, but…” He chewed his lip. “It’s kind of a long and complicated story, but let’s put it this way: the three of us will be raising the baby.”
She looked at us in silence for a moment. Then she said, “So, you’re telling me that Carmen is having either your baby or Donovan’s, and all three of you will be raising the child together? Am I understanding this correctly?”
Isaac nodded. My heart pounded.
Sarah looked at the table between us for a long moment, brow furrowed as she took in the information. “Well, that’s…” She looked at Isaac, me, Isaac. “That’s wonderful!”
My jaw dropped.
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Isaac smiled. “So you’re not…upset?”
“Upset?” She rolled her eyes. “Get over here and give your mother a hug. It’s about time one of you kids gave me a grandbaby.”
Isaac got up, and his mother embraced him. As soon as she let him go, Sarah gestured for me to get up. “Come here, Mama.” I did, and she hugged me too. I couldn’t even blame it on the hormones when my eyes welled up; when was the last time my own mother hugged me like this? Or at all? Not in recent memory, that was for sure.
And it didn’t help when she whispered, “Welcome to the family, sweetheart.” She kissed my cheek. She released me and stepped back, clasping her hands together under her chin. “So, how much time do we have? How far along are you, my dear?”
“Oh, still early yet,” I said.
“Well, I can see that.” She looked down at my stomach, then back up at me. “You certainly have that glow about you, though. I should have known the minute you walked in.”
My cheeks burned. “Thank you. Doctor says I’m about twelve weeks right now.”
“And you’re taking care of yourself?” She gave me a look that might have been stern if not for the sparkle in her eyes. “Eating properly? All of that?”
“Yes, of course.” I threw a playful glare at Isaac. “Especially with someone getting on me for everything I put in my mouth.”
She smacked her son’s arm. “Isaac Nolan, you lighten up on her.”
“What?” He put up his hands. “I’m just looking out for her and the kid.”
“She’s a grown woman.” Sarah put her arm around my shoulders. “And she doesn’t need eating advice from someone who drinks as much Pepsi as you do.”
“She’s got a point,” I said, gloating from the position of most-favored child.
“Traitor,” he muttered.
I stuck out my tongue. He chuckled.
“Isaac, why don’t you go drag Dad in from the garage?” Sarah said. “Carmen, come with me. I have a few things for you.” She started down the hall, and Isaac and I looked at each other. I shrugged, and he nodded for me to follow her.
On the way down the hall, Sarah said over her shoulder, “I’ve been collecting things for years for when one of my kids finally decided to have a baby. And since Isaac is the first, this is all yours.”
She pushed open the door and flicked on the light.
My jaw dropped again.
The spare bedroom was stacked high with cardboard boxes, plastic crates and shopping bags, all stuffed to the point of bulging. It was impossible to see everything, but what I could see included clothing, stuffed animals, toys, unopened packages of diapers, and God only knew what else. The contents of this room probably rivaled the baby store that had overwhelmed me.
“And this too.” She gestured at a rocking chair beside the boxes. “I used this with all of my kids. Trust me, you’ll need it.”
“You don’t have to do this, Mrs.—”
“Sarah, honey,” she said. “Just call me Sarah.”
“Sarah,” I said. “This is all…it’s…”
She squeezed my hand. “It’s all yours.”
“You don’t have to do this,” I said. “This is too much.”
“Nonsense. Nothing is too much for any grandbaby of mine.” She gestured at the boxes. “When my friends and neighbors are done having babies and start giving away all their baby things, I take it off their hands. And sometimes at yard sales, things like that. Only if it’s clean and in good condition, of course.”
I looked around, just trying to take it all in. My family had conditioned me to expect judgment, but she’d responded with nothing but excitement and generosity. Extreme generosity.
She put her hands on my shoulders. “Honey, I know what it’s like to be starting out with a new baby. Isaac’s daddy and I had nothing when we started out. We had to scrimp and save for every little thing our kids needed, and I promised myself they wouldn’t have to do that with their children.” She paused. “Some of it might be a little worn, or you might not like the styles or colors. Whatever you don’t like, just box it up, and I’ll store it for the next one that comes along.”
“I…” I shook my head again. “I just, I was afraid you’d be upset about the situation, and instead you’re…this…” A lump rose in my throat, and I coughed into my elbow. Sniffing sharply, I dropped my gaze. “Sorry. Hormones.”
She laughed. “Oh, not necessarily. You’re still allowed to have feelings even if you’re pregnant.”
“I know, but I…” I sniffed again. “God, I’m sorry. I was afraid you’d be upset, and you’ve…” I gestured at the boxes of baby stuff, and exhaled. “My mom can barely look at me after my divorce, and after this? My God, she probably won’t even speak to me.”
Sarah’s spine straightened. “What do you mean she won’t speak to you?”
“Well, when she finds out…” I hesitated. “When I tell her about the baby.”
Her jaw went slack, and for a moment, I thought she’d launch into some kind of tirade. Then she shook her head and released a huff of breath. “Well, fine. Let her be that way. If she doesn’t want to be a grandma, I can do the grandmothering of two women.” She looked at me over her glasses. “But I don’t want to be one of those overbearing meddling grandmas, so if I start doing too much, you just say so.”
I laughed. “Honestly, I don’t think that’ll be a problem. Forget being a grandma, will you be my mom?”
“Honey, you’re carrying my grandbaby,” she said. “That makes you my honorary daughter-in-law.”
I chewed my lip. “Even if, when the baby comes, it’s…” I swallowed, cringing inwardly. “Not biologically his?”
“Well, it’s either his or Donovan’s, right?”
I nodded.
She made a dismissive gesture. “Then it’s my grandbaby, and fuck anyone who says otherwise.”
“Did you…” I muffled a cough. “I’m sorry, could you run that by me again?”
“You heard me.” Her expression softened. “Listen, I’ve been watching people judge my son since he was a teenager. I don’t understand everything he does, but I don’t have to. He’s my son, I love him, and any child he calls his own is my grandchild. Your baby won’t be any different. And in this case? Good lord. There’s a baby on the way who’s going to have three wonderful parents. If that’s not something to be deliriously happy about, then I don’t know what is.”
I shook my head. “Obviously Isaac was raised in a very different world than I was.”
She scowled. “Don’t tell me your parents are as bad as that cretin who raised Donovan.”
“They could give Don’s dad a run for his money, yes,” I said, laughing quietly.
“Oh Lord.” She rolled her eyes. “If you and Isaac were teenagers, we’d be having a much more serious conversation, but you’re all adults. How this baby was made is none of my business, and all I care about is that you and my grandbaby are healthy, and those two boys of mine are taking good care of you.”
“Well, I may be jumping the gun,” I said, “but I have a feeling my parents are going to treat the situation like I was still a teenager. They’re just—” I stopped myself when the faintest sting of tears burned my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Honey.” She put her arms around me. “You have nothing to apologize for.” She stroked my hair. I couldn’t help leaning against her, closing my eyes as she held me like I only wished my mother would. “I know this is stressful for you, sweetheart. Your folks will come around. And even if they don’t? Well, this is why you’re my honorary daughter-in-law, and as long as I’m still kicking, your baby won’t be lacking in the grandmother department. I promise.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Don’t you worry about a thing,” she said. “Situations like these have a tendency to work themselves out with time. Now let’s go see if my boy will come in here and carry some of this stuff out to the car.”
“Think we’ll have to twist his arm?�
�� I asked with a grin.
She sniffed. “I’ll twist his ear, and he knows it.”
“Oh, does that work on him?”
Sarah winked. “Like a dream, darling.”
We both laughed and went back out into the hall. We found Isaac and a tall, balding man in the kitchen with a couple of beers.
“Oh, there they are.” Isaac gestured at Sarah and me. “Dad, this is Carmen. Carmen, my stepdad, Richard.”
His stepfather extended his hand. “I hear we’re expecting a new addition?”
As I shook his hand, I nodded. “Yes, we are.”
“Oh, thank God,” he said with an exaggerated sigh. “Now I can have my spare bedroom back.”
Isaac laughed. “Yeah, right. You know Mom’s going to turn it into a bedroom for whenever we bring the baby to visit.”
“Don’t give her any ideas,” Richard said.
“Well, if you want your spare bedroom back,” Sarah said, “why don’t the two of you go move some of those boxes into Isaac’s car?”
Isaac quirked an eyebrow. “You really think all of that is going to fit in my car?”
She shrugged. “You can make more than one trip. Now go.” She nudged his arm.
He sighed theatrically and rolled his eyes. “Do I have to?”
I grinned. “You want me to twist your ear?”
His eyes widened. I gave him my most menacing look.
Isaac cleared his throat and glanced at his stepdad. “So, should I bring the car up to the garage?”
“Yeah, you do that,” Richard said. “I’ll go get the first box.”
They each took off in separate directions, and Sarah and I exchanged grins.
“You’re right,” I said. “It does work.”
She patted my shoulder. “You see? You’ve got this mom thing down already.”
Chapter Fifteen
Isaac
Donovan paced, wringing his hands. A glass of wine sat untouched on our kitchen island, another slightly emptier in my own hand.
“You don’t have to do this now,” I said.
“Yes, I do.” He swallowed hard. “I might as well just get it over with.”
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