Blinking in surprise, Taura found herself unable to avert her eyes. Jadrian undressed was quite a sight, although scars here and there on his smooth skin and lash marks across his broad back testified to the dangerous life he’d lived as a Khagrish prisoner. He had on a pair of black briefs barely covering his amazing taut ass and when he turned to dive into the water she saw from the way the fabric bulged he was built in perfect proportion everywhere.
Rising, she shielded her eyes with one hand and stared over the water, waiting for him to surface. He must be able to hold his breath for a really long time. The Badari had all kinds of other enhancements, why not one for endurance in a water environment?
He popped his head out of the water much further into the lake than she’d expected, and waved before diving under again.
Taura sat down and decided to dangle her toes in the water, since he’d said there were no predators. Once she had her boots off, the water was cool and inviting on her feet. She wished she could go into the lake herself. She had a feeling swimming was one of her forgotten skills. Certainly she had no instinctive hesitation about entering the water. But, ruefully, she decided not to risk it today. She was debilitated from her treatment at the hands of the Khagrish and didn’t want to trust herself in deep water. But the temptation to be floating and completely free was hard to resist. Realizing it had been a while since Jadrian surfaced, she anxiously checked the lake in the vicinity he’d last been in.
Nothing but tiny ripples from the afternoon breeze.
How long could he stay submerged? Wishing she’d asked him, Taura got to her feet. “And what exactly could I do if I did swim out there? Besides drown? He must outweigh me by two hundred pounds.” Nevertheless, when a few more minutes ticked off without bringing any sign from him, she was seriously concerned. She wedged her pole into the vee made by the stub of a broken branch and prepared to launch herself into the lake.
Only to recoil with a gasp as the man she was worried about surfaced right in front of her, laughing and dragging a net full of wriggling fish.
As he climbed onto the tree trunk, she said, “Don’t ever make me worry like that again, you hear me?”
Pausing in his efforts to secure the net full of his catch to the tree, he tossed his wet hair out of his eyes and stared at her. “You were concerned?”
“Of course I was worried. Rescuing you and drowning myself in the process wasn’t on my agenda for today.” She stomped back to her chosen spot on the trunk and sat down. “How long can you stay under?”
“I’ve no idea. Quite a while. Badari don’t have gills but our bodies function without air intake efficiently. Fortunately, the Khagrish never subjected us to tests of the ability. I’m sure more than one Badari would have died while the scientists explored the limit. But it was as if whatever reason the customer had for requesting the mutation for Generation Six in the first place ceased to exist. The Khagrish lost interest but the trait remained in our DNA.”
She toyed with her fishing line to avoid ogling him. Dripping wet, the swim suit was plastered to every inch of his generous endowments. Taura found herself breathing a bit faster for a reason other than anxiety, which took her by surprise and wasn’t entirely welcome. Given her recent trauma at the hands of the Khagrish, she found her positive visceral reaction to Jadrian confusing and a little daunting. Could she really be thinking of a physical relationship so soon? She liked him as a person and now she found herself craving his touch in a way quite different from the reassuring hugs they’d shared. “Can you put a towel on? Or get dressed?”
“I was going out for more fish,” he said.
“Good. Do that then. Don’t mind me.” She squirmed a bit on the log, trying to ease the warm sensation deep inside. She needed to stifle the temptation to reach out to him, to stroke his enticingly lean body and draw him into an embrace where he was wrapped around her, skin to skin.
Jadrian walked closer. “Are you all right? Are you having a flashback?”
Taking a deep breath, afraid to trust her voice, she nodded.
“Oh,” he said, in an altered tone of voice.
Too late she remembered what a fabulous sense of smell the Badari possessed. If he could tell a human was telling an untruth, what were the odds he could detect her arousal? She didn’t want complications in her situation. Jadrian was her only ally among the people who ruled the valley, and she was probably nowhere near ready to have a relationship with anyone. Was he going to misunderstand her reaction and try to pursue it? Would things get awkward?
He launched into a shallow dive, going under the water so smoothly there was barely a ripple. A moment later he surfaced about four feet away from her and only his head and shoulders were visible. “I apologize for making you uncomfortable,” he said. “I had no such intention. This is what we Badari wear to swim. Or else we go naked, but I felt that was inappropriate today.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she said. “It’s me and my messed up brain. You’re a helluva good looking guy.” She kicked a small spray of water in his direction, trying to lighten the mood. “Haven’t seen many of those in the last few months. I overreacted.”
“You’re an exceptionally attractive woman,” he said, treading water easily, eyes narrowed as he studied her from afar. “I find myself drawn to you, from the time we first met.”
She shook her head. “You can’t fool me. I may not have looked in any mirrors lately but I’m way underweight, I have circles under my eyes and scars where the fucking Khagrish tortured me. Attractive I am not.”
“Your inner strength and determination make you even more appealing.”
Heat spread through her cheeks as she blushed, her stress rising, and her arousal remaining strong. “Can we not have this discussion? You’ve been a good friend to me but, just like the Walt thing, I’m not ready for any complications. I have to get myself under control, have to find out who I really was, not get sidetracked.”
There was silence as he continued to maintain his place in the water with no visible effort. “Any involvement between us would complicate your recovery?”
“Yes.” She made her voice adamant.
“Then it’s as well I have no such thing in mind.” He sank under the surface of the lake and was gone.
Way to go, idiot. You assumed too much and hurt his feelings. Silently she upbraided herself as she dealt with another fish at the end of her line. Jadrian meant what he said—he was trying to help her gain control over her errant memory because her ordeal reminded him of his own experiences. And there was no one else here to help her besides the well-meaning but ill equipped doctor. No mental health professionals, no other options than to spend her days drugged as a well-tended prisoner of her own people. His compliment about her strength had been pleasing and the other remark about her appearance was polite. She leaned over the water and tried to discern the details of her reflection, but the slight breeze kept the water in motion.
When he brought the next net full of fish back, he stayed underwater while fastening the net securely to the tree trunk, then grabbed his clothes while Taura kept her head turned and her focus on the lake. By unspoken agreement they kept the conversation focused on their catch and the chore of cleaning the fish before carting the filets to the dining hall for Sandara to add to her menu.
By the time Taura struggled up the hill to the cave from the final errand to the kitchen, she was exhausted and unsure whether her legs would hold her vertical another minute.
Sinking onto the mattress, she said, “You should go ahead by yourself tonight. I’m sure I’ll be fine—I’m so tired not even a nightmare could wake me.”
“Go where?” He paused in the midst of dividing the dinner rations they’d brought to their quarters for the evening meal.
“Sandara’s lakeside party. Remember at breakfast this morning she mentioned it?” Even as she reminded him, Taura was astonished how much had occurred in one day. No wonder I’m tired.
“I wouldn’t lea
“But you told her you’d attend—”
“I said we’d be there and, if you’re too tired, that’s the end of it. I have no great desire to go to this event. Mostly, I was looking forward to sitting and talking with you, which we can do equally well here. But, if you need sleep, I’ll be fine merely keeping watch by the fire.”
From the tight set of his shoulders, Taura gathered he didn’t want to talk about the issue any longer. “Fine with me. I can’t make you go, and I appreciate you having my back, especially while I’m asleep.”
“There’s still the issue of Walt.” He brought her a plate and handed it over slowly, as if lost in speculation about what the human might try next. “If he knew you were here by yourself, he might try to reopen this afternoon’s conversation.”
“Which I don’t want.” Taura shivered at the mere idea of dealing with Walt alone in this somewhat remote cave. His intensity in his insistence about knowing her was intimidating.
Sopping up gravy with a roll, Jadrian nodded. “There’ll be other parties at the lake, I’m sure. You humans seem to delight in creating these social events.”
“Kelli mentioned them as well, when we were at Stores with her this morning. Do the Badari customarily attend?” Taura tried to picture a group of the stern warriors at a cocktail party making small talk and suppressed a giggle.
“Aydarr and his mate think it’s an important step in creating a shared community, so we’re encouraged to be social in our off hours. There’ll be another one in two days as a matter of fact, with the entire valley invited.”
Conversation lagged and Taura could barely keep her eyes open during dinner. “I think I’m going to go ahead and turn in,” she said as she scraped her plate into the refuse container after the meal ended.
“You’ve been yawning nonstop for the last hour. I’ve fixed the bedroom chamber for you.” Taking her hand, he led her across the cave they were using as the main quarters and into a smaller alcove. “I thought you’d like the privacy, but I’ll be close at hand if you have a nightmare.”
“This is fine. The colors in the rocks are so pretty in the lights, like a fairytale cave.” She’d rather sit next to the fire—and Jadrian’s reassuring bulk—in the outer chamber as she had last night, but he was probably right. She did need to relearn the mundane process of sleeping in her own bed and not succumbing to terrible nightmares. The chamber was roomy enough she wouldn’t feel as if she was in a cell, with the further softening effect of a flat floor covered in rugs Jadrian selected at Stores earlier. Some high end merchant in the Sectors must have been really upset when this cargo went missing. Good thing he can’t see us using the hand woven piece of art to cover a cold cave floor. There weren’t any other amenities but the sparkling mineral deposits in the stone walls added a festive touch.
A bit dubious, she wished him a good night, changed into the large T shirt Kelli had issued her to serve as a nightgown, and crawled onto the mattress. The bed was cold and large enough for her and Jadrian, so curling up under a blanket on one edge by herself led to loneliness. Turning off the handlamp sitting on a handy rock beside the bed, she asked the Lords of Space to send her a dreamless night’s sleep and shut her eyes.
CHAPTER SIX
It was not to be.
The first time she came to consciousness, she was screaming and flailing at Jadrian as he tried to calm her down.
“You tried to go outside,” he said as she came to her senses. “I was barely in time to keep you from breaking your neck on the path in the dark. You were convinced the Chimmer were here. And you were in tears over the unsent messages again.”
The name of the deadly aliens sent shivers down her spine and Taura’s chest constricted, cutting off her air. She clutched the fabric of Jadrian’s shirt with both fists and huddled against him as she fought to breathe. “Don’t let them take me.”
He stroked one hand over her hair and hugged her. “There are no Chimmer here, anywhere, I promise.”
“I—I think they’re a trigger for me.”
“Do you think you saw one in reality? Dr. Garrison encountered one during her imprisonment, and I’ve seen them from a distance more than once, but not enough to be a triggering event. The customers weren’t directly involved in torturing me.”
She rubbed her arms, reluctant to explain. But how will I ever get control if I can’t acknowledge the problems? “I see them in my nightmares , not every time but often. Two of them are dragging me somewhere. I’m injured, in pain, terrified. Then they shove me into…well, into a place or an enclosure I’m desperately struggling to avoid. Parts of the dream feel so real I believe it is a genuine memory. In the nightmare I’m trying to remember desperately important information, something I need, a trick or technique that would help me escape, and I can’t quite concentrate on it. Their hands are sticky and cold, like slugs crawling on my skin—”
“Taura, stop.” His voice was firm and the command so crisp she fell silent instantly. “I can tell you’re working yourself up into another anxiety attack. I’m not saying we can’t discuss the enemy on occasion, but no more tonight. This is an insight we’ll share with Dr. Garrison and talk about it in broad daylight, where no night terrors can hide in the shadows. For now, tell yourself as many times as you must— there are no Chimmer here. None. They only visit this planet occasionally, to review progress on the Khagrish experiments or to give new research orders and, to the best of my knowledge, only a few of the aliens ever arrive at any one time. Not an invasion force, not a group searching for escaped prisoners like us. Even when we were in the labs, the Chimmer didn’t directly interact with the Badari. All right?”
Taura took a deep breath. “Facts help. They do. I can tell myself not to worry so much about a situation if the facts indicate otherwise. My rational mind can calm my terrified instincts.”
“Good, then we’ve made progress.”
“My memories of the Khagrish and the tortures I endured in their fucking lab are triggers as well,” she said. “But you’re right, it’s different.”
“I think the nightmares are over the ‘customers’, as we call them, based on what I can make out from your words.”
A bitter laugh bubbled up from deep inside her. “You mean my incoherent, madwoman screams and curses?”
“I meant what I said. You may be yelling and swearing, but with intent and purpose, even in a flashback.” His denial was firm and measured. Eyes glowing golden, he watched her. “You’re not insane, Taura. Nor going insane. You went through hell and your mind and body are trying to process it, deal with it. Part of you wants to find a way to make it reality that none of what you suffered ever actually happened, or to create a different outcome for yourself in the past. Neither solution is possible. The best you can do is plan how you’d react if the situation arose again. Make peace with the past.”
“Speaking from personal experience?” She genuinely wanted to know the answer.
Nodding, he stirred the fire to make the flames blaze higher and provide more warmth. “I berated myself frequently for not having managed to kill the worst of my tormenters. I was a Badari, after all, and they were weak Khagrish. I should have found a way to exact revenge, even if I died in the process. Better if I died, actually, because then the torment would have been over. But the Great Mother did not will it to be so.”
They sat together beside the fire for a long time and when her rapid breathing and her jitters subsided, Jadrian escorted her to the bed chamber again and watched from the doorway as she settled in. “I wish only good dreams for you the rest of this night,” he said. “But I’ll be right out here if you need me.”
Taura adjusted the lamp to low, thinking maybe the pitch black room had disoriented her, and moved around a bit to find the most comfortable position for sleeping.
She believed she’d barely closed her eyes but came to consciousness weeping as if her heart would break, unable to breathe unimpeded. Once again, she was recalled to reality by Jadrian’s deep voice as he held her.
“This is so not working.” She wiped her eyes with the tail of her nightgown.
“On the contrary, our arrangement is working to some extent.” His objection was prompt and firm. “I’m able to bring you to your senses and you’ve had no sedating drugs.”
“And no restraints. Well, nothing other than your arms.” She rubbed her hand along his forearm and patted his hand. “Which are comforting. Thank you, my friend.”
He flipped his hand palm upward to clasp her fingers. “Can you go to sleep or do you want to come sit by the fire for a bit? Redirect your thoughts?”
“Don’t you need your sleep. Such as it is?”
“Badari can handle sleep deprivation without a performance drop for a long time.” He rose and extended his hand to her.
It was cozy, sitting bundled up next to the fire, with Jadrian close by. The silence was comfortable, but Taura pondered what they could chat about. Usually people asked questions and compared notes about their life experiences in order to get to know each other better, but her past was a blank, and his consisted of torture and captivity. She hated acknowledging the Khagrish as their common ground. She wished they’d met in a less dramatic way, another place and time. But how could we ever have found each other?
“What are you thinking so hard about?” he asked softly. “Your brow is furrowed.”
“I was trying to think of safe subjects to talk about.”
“We don’t have to talk. We also don’t have to worry what is safe or unsafe,” he said. “There aren’t any barriers between us, or so I hope anyway.”
“But there isn’t much of anything you can ask me I could answer. That’s so limiting.”
“What did you enjoy most about the fishing today?” he said promptly, with a grin.
Other than getting all hot over you? She cleared her throat. “The peaceful lake. And feeling useful. Not just a broken down, hair trigger trauma survivor.”
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