by Nicole Reed
“I love you, Rhye Clark,” she says in that country twang of hers before reaching up to caress the side of my cheek.
“I want you, Syn Landry,” I reply back, touching her the same way.
“You’re a big old tease.”
“It’s my evil plan. It’s not for you to understand,” I reply, letting the words go, not ready to give her what she needs back yet.
The car pulls in front of the hotel, and I open the door, reaching back to help her out. More camera lights brightly flash as we ignore the calls and questions surrounding us. When we finally make it into the elevator, Syn glances up to me in total shock.
“This is getting crazy, Rhye. What do they expect us to do?” she says, shaking her head.
“Those fuckers get on my last nerve. I lose my shit on a daily basis at some of the things they say,” I reply, rubbing her arms with my hands.
“I try not to listen to them, but lately, they’re everywhere I go. Sometimes they…,” she starts, but stops and turns away from me.
“They what?” I ask, watching her step out of the elevator as soon as the doors slide open, still not answering me.
Walking to the door, she turns to me, her face pale and those yellow eyes occupied with sorrow. Slowly, I walk up to her, standing mere inches away. What has fucking suddenly changed between us?
“They say what, Syn?” I ask her, fucking pissed at her hesitance to answer me.
She swallows, looking down and then back up to me. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter. I trust you. I do.”
“Wait. What the fuck, Syn? You can’t say you trust me out of the blue and not tell me why you felt the need to even say it out loud. Unless you’re indirectly questioning me?” I ask.
“Can we go inside? Please,” she says, looking around at the empty hallway.
Nodding my head, I reach for the card to slide it in the reader and open the door. I breathe slowly in and out, wondering what the hell is happening. She walks in, and I follow, only allowing her to get so far before grabbing her hand and yanking her back to me. She comes flush up against my chest with her hand pressed to my beating heart, the place she found her way into.
“Talk to me, Syn. You have to tell me what’s going through that mind of yours.”
With a long sigh, she says, “They tell me where you go and what you do. Sometimes they send me pictures of you hanging out in different clubs. I don’t expect you to stay at home every night. I would never ask you to do that. It’s just… I don’t know what I’m supposed to say back to them.”
“Tell them to fuck off! That’s what you say. It’s none of their goddamn business in the first place. Syn, I haven’t done anything for you to warrant not trusting me yet.”
She rolls her eyes while stepping back to place her hands on her hips. Her total demeanor changes in an instant. Oh, shit. Here it comes.
“Yet? What is that supposed to mean?”
Laying my head back to look up at the ceiling, I roll my neck then look over at her. “Yet. I’ve told you from the start that this is my life. I’ve stayed clean and kept my cranky cock, from lack of use, in my pants because I want to be with only you. I don’t see that changing anytime soon, but I am not going to make you hollow promises that don’t mean shit. I know they don’t have pictures of me banging some random chick or smoking anything illegal, so what do you want me to say? Tell me, Syn? Because I really am trying not to fuck this up with you, and it’s hard,” I tell her, laying it all on the line.
Her eyes well up with tears, and she blinks through the wetness. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m fighting every second for us. Some days, it’s two in the morning before you get a chance to phone me with the time difference, and I wait with bated breath for that call. We don’t lead normal lives, so I know nothing about us will ever be easy, but I guess I didn’t expect it to be so hard. It’s like everyone is against us.”
Every single word she is saying is making me insanely crazy. From the beginning, I have told her to not listen to or read anything in the press. If she does, and questions anything, then she needs to bring it to me, and I will fucking answer honestly. I’ve never offered anything less than the truth to her. If she asked me right now, at this moment, if I missed the snatch, I would answer truthfully, “yes.” What more can she want from me?
“You wanted this, Syn. You asked for me. All of me,” I tell her, my demons rearing their ugly heads. “Fuck this.” I turn, letting her go so I can leave. My head is going to a horrid place, and I don’t want to say things just to hurt her.
“Where are you going, Rhye?” she asks, chasing after me, reaching out to grab my hand. “Please stop. I’m sorry.”
Goddamn it! I turn to pin her lithe body up against the wall, my hands holding her wrists by her sides. My knee automatically slides in between her thighs while my mouth punishes hers. Moments pass by in a passion-induced hysteria, not knowing whether I can handle these feelings I have for her. I pull back for a second to catch my breath and whisper, “Don’t ever be fucking sorry. Do you hear me?”
Her swollen, used lips call to something inside of me. My tongue lashes out to wet them, and her whimper of lust ignites the fires within me. I burn for this girl, like no other.
“I hate hurting you, Syn. I don’t know how to be what you want. What you need. Help me. Just help me, okay?” I beg her. I’ve never begged anyone before, but if I can’t give her the words she needs, I’ll give her what I can. Me.
Reaching down, I slip my hands underneath her knees, cradling her up in my arms. She gives a yelp of surprise before I capture her lips between mine. I need her to make me sane. What if she can’t handle the speculation of the press? The lies that they descriptively depict? The photos that insinuate false images? The truth that I might not be able to hide? I need to know what she is thinking so I can fight the insecurities we both have.
I carry her down the hallway and into my room, stumbling only once, my suave move impeded by a pair of my shoes left carelessly on the floor. She laughs. Gently taking care of this precious cargo I hold in my arms, I place her on top of my bed, following her down.
She is the closest to peace that I can obtain in this lifetime. Closing my eyes tight, I pour my consuming need for her into a kiss, praying that she can forgive me for not being something I can’t. Hoping that she can quit being sorry for something she can’t fix. Not a day goes by that I don’t think how much of a bastard I am for not letting her go; however, I’m in too deep. If I let her go now, I don’t think I can come back.
“Rhye. I need you. Please. Please, don’t stop,” she pleads, rolling me to the side and sitting up. She pulls at my shirt, stripping it off in one swoop. Her eager hands move to my jeans, quickly divesting me of them.
“Commando. Oh, yeah,” she pants, breathing heavy. Glancing into my eyes, she smiles, once again smashing my fucking world to smithereens with her love. It’s heady to know someone like her could care about someone like me. I don’t understand it.
She reaches for my hands, linking our fingers and gently squeezing. “I love you.” She leans down to rain kisses over my face. Sitting up, she pulls her dress over her head, turning to kick off her shoes. Her lily white panties and bra strike me as virginal. Fuck. It slips back into my head at the most inopportune times.
“Syn, we need to slow…,” I get out before she reaches her hand down to grasp me. “Damn, that feels good,” I think to myself. Her up and down movements are just the right grip and speed, wiping my thoughts blank.
I lean my head back against the bed, closing my eyes. I let her have complete control for now, needing to concede it to her. My hips pump up into her greedy hands. Need builds inside my body, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, steadily increasing until it pulsates and screams for release. The feel of her wet tongue, licking the tip, elicits a moan of pleasure. Goddamn, that feels like the shit. “Fuck yeah, Syn. Please don’t stop.”
She sucks me gently, fumbling with some of her movements, but it fe
els too good to complain. I glance to see that beautiful blonde hair bobbing up and down with her actions. My dick swells even harder, which I didn’t think was humanly possible. I’m close to spilling cum down her throat, and I don’t want it to end yet. Not like this.
Reaching for her shoulders, I push her gently back, bringing myself to cover her. I kiss her, trying my damnedest, to make her feel what I’m feeling. Bringing my hand up, I touch the side of her face, slowly lowering it to the latch on the front of her bra, undoing it. Her chest swiftly rises and falls underneath my fingers, and my body trembles with need for her. She leans up to kiss my lips, grinning at the same time.
“I’m yours, and you are mine,” she whispers, staring into my eyes.
I want to breathe her goodness in and keep it inside of me. Maybe it can fix what is broken before I lose her. The thought drives me to desperation. I grasp her delicate panties between my nimble fingers and tug downwards, stripping them from her.
My body vibrates with all-encompassing lust. I have to have her. Own her. Use her. Slipping one finger into her warm, wet center, I gently stroke, making her ready for me. A pounding need inside of my head keeps rhythm with the heart that beats only for her, driving me to the only completion that matters anymore.
Her eyes stare up at me with intense pleasure at my touch. She pants and releases, the tiny sounds that keep me right on the edge of sanity. I know that I’m about to fucking lose it. Hell, I’m already lost. Thoughts spiral and rage in my mind, but a miniscule voice finds its way through, telling me to slow down.
“Don’t you dare stop,” she states, reading my mind.
I have one last sane thought of why I shouldn’t do this. Take this from her when I’m not deserving of it. But sanity has never been my strong suit. I have to have Syn. End of complete thoughts. Raising on my knees, I carefully move over her, spreading her soft, silky thighs to place myself between them. I gently move lower until my chest is pressed against hers.
“I can’t,” I whisper back, fitting myself inside her and gliding in. She closes her eyes tight, seeming to brace herself, but I push on. Everything is happening so fast, and my mind is spinning out of control at the remarkable feeling of being inside Syn. It’s like…It’s like nothing or no one could ever compare to this. To her.
Within minutes, I feel her tightly constrict around me, and precious moans of pleasure escape her. Her tiny shivers stoke my lust to an almost intolerable degree. Fuck. I can’t hold on for much longer. Letting it all go, I come inside her, pouring myself deep with each stroke of my cock, her muscles clenching down to grasp me until I finally collapse on top of her.
“I love you,” she breathlessly chants in my ear.
I roll to my side and gently bring her with me, cradling her in my arms. My heart warms at her words, but the reply that she deserves and needs refuses to form on my lips. In my mind, her words start to twist, intertwining with the darkness, the meaning now distorted. The feeling in my heart quickly evaporates, leaving me achingly empty, my demons denying me the sweetness of Syn. I was afraid of this. It should mean something more to me than just an ordinary fuck, but as I feared, something is seriously fucked up inside of me. Closing my eyes, I fake sleep, hating myself and the tears that gather behind my eyelids.
Glancing into the mirror one last time, I turn away and roll my eyes at the discarded dresses laying haphazardly on the bed. It’s the pre-Grammy party tonight, and all my luggage finally arrived, forcing last minute decisions regarding what to wear. The amazing dress that I have for the awards show tomorrow night is already decided on; it’s just all these other party dresses that are last minute decisions, depending on what I ate and if they still fit.
In the midst of this dilemma, I’m still processing that I made love with Rhye for the first time this afternoon. I close my eyes to remember every single caress and every heart-stopping kiss. My virginity is only a sweet memory, and I am happy that I shared it with him. It was everything and more than I could have ever dreamed. He’s all I want. All I need. I would give up my current life just to have him. I love him that much. His touch was amazing, and even now, my body burns for him. The thought of leaving him again in two, short days paralyzes me with fear.
As we laid in bed earlier, we snuggled deep underneath the covers, holding on to one another. He seemed to even fall asleep next to me, but the peacefulness didn’t last for long because Rhye had a freak out moment when he realized he didn’t use a condom. I did also, but not because of pregnancy, explaining to him that I’ve been getting precautionary birth control injections for the last year. I’m entirely sure that I’ve already told him this, but he swore I had not. Either way, I really did plan on still using a condom with Rhye for so many reasons, but the main being his drug history and previous bed partners. He said that he’s clean, having been checked several times, but it’s done. I never thought I could get so swept up in passion that I would forget something so important, but there you have it.
It didn’t escape my notice that he still can’t talk about his feelings. After his freak out moment, I felt him emotionally sever all ties to me. He just…shut off. In the past, he has said that he desperately needs to know what I’m thinking, but I need the same. I’m afraid to push him, knowing that it might be away from me. How do you fight for someone when you’re fearful of every move you make? I do something or say something wrong and then apologize, terrified that he’ll walk away, and I see how extremely agitated it makes him.
Our relationship hangs in a delicate balance. Again, I know that I can’t expect normal, but I’m not sure what to expect. That’s what earlier, with the paparazzi, was about. People try to tear us down. Maybe it’s easier to get to me than him. They tease me with questions regarding what Rhye is doing without me. Some get downright mean, insinuating he’s using drugs or sleeping with every girl he comes in contact with. I’ve been strong and held all of their accusations at bay until some pictures I saw online last week. They weren’t incriminating, but it’s not like he’s sitting at home waiting for me either.
I called Jay, and she said to be forthright and just ask him. That was my plan, but we were bombarded when we arrived at the hotel from the airport. Needless to say, I intermittently lost my ever-loving mind. I’ve always had thick-skin, and words normally don’t faze me, but I’m learning that Rhye turns my world inside out. Nothing is as it should be.
This is my reality at nineteen years of age. On one hand, I’m living this incredible life, singing and performing for a living, and on the other, I’m trying to handle an addict boyfriend who I don’t have the first clue what to do with beyond loving him. And I do, but everything feels like it’s only temporary. I imagine it’s like trying to hold a butterfly in your open palm. You want to grasp that bright, beautiful creature knowing that, any minute, it will fly away, leaving you with only the fleeting memory of the treasured seconds when it was yours.
Thinking that Rhye is waiting for me, I step outside the bedroom door and into the living area. The sound of a whistle makes me look to my left.
“You clean up nice, Syn,” Josh says from his seated position on the chair.
“Thanks,” I say, looking down at the black strapless dress and matching black heels that my personal stylist picked out for me before leaving Nashville. I also had someone come in hours ago to pin my hair up and expertly apply makeup. That was about the same time Rhye left the room saying he was hungry. I glance at Josh, saying, “You know you are more than welcome to join us tonight?”
“I’ll pass. I’m saving my energy for tomorrow night and the mass partying afterwards,” he says jokingly.
“What? You going to kick your shoes off and live it up tomorrow evening? That’s a must see,” I reply, walking over to sit across from him.
“Maybe. You never know. Hey, I do believe there is an extra glow about you tonight. You must be excited for the duet tomorrow.”
I can actually feel the heat creeping up my neck at his words. The flush covering m
y entire face. “Not even close, Josh,” I want to say, but don’t. Even after the quick flash of pain I felt today, and lingering tenderness, I still want Rhye again. Soon. Changing the subject, I ask, “Have you seen, Rhye?”
Josh shakes his head. “I thought he was with you.”
“No, he left me hours ago. I’m sure he’ll be back any minute,” I say, ignoring the tingling suspicion in the pit of my stomach, an unfortunate response to dating someone who is a recovering addict. I imagine, in most serious relationships, you would think that he’s just gone to the store and he’ll be back any minute. Instead, I’m thinking, “Please don’t let him get into any trouble.”
The door opens, and he comes strolling in, not close to being ready for the evening. As soon as he sees me, he smiles, and my heart soars. Walking straight for me, he pulls me up and kisses me directly in front of Josh.
“You look goddamn amazing, Syn,” he says, pulling away just enough to stare into my eyes.
“Thank you,” I reply, but my heart sinks at the obvious, glassy look in his eyes. It’s definitely not alcohol, at least I don’t think it is. I turn my head to look at Josh, who seems entirely too busy with the remote control.
Kissing me once more, he pulls back. “I’ll go get my shower,” he says, walking to his room.
I watch his every move until the door shuts, and then I turn back to Josh, who is now looking at me. He shakes his head, and I know instantly that he knows something, something that he doesn’t want to tell me.
“What is it?” I ask, my voice vibrating with the tears I hold back.
“California is a whole different world than Nashville, Syn. Different set of rules that I have to play by.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you know what a gateway drug is?”
“Yes, Josh,” I reply, angrily. “My school had the same ‘Just Say No’ drug program as everyone else’s, so what’s your point?”