The Shades of Time and Memory

by Storm Constantine

  For so great a force, making and striking camp was a lengthy process, but by the time the armies reached the designated resting point that night, the domestic staff who had gone on ahead at dawn had already done most of the work. A vast temporary Imbrilim stood in the wild fields, where feral horses roamed. It was much like the original Imbrilim had been, many years ago: a host of pavilions and floating veils. The flags and banners of the tribes cracked in the evening breeze upon high poles, so that hara could easily find their billets. Woodcutters had been to the forests to gather fuel for cooking fires. Meals were being prepared. Sedim and horses churned the fields to mud. It seemed like chaos.

  Pellaz retired to his pavilion with Terez and Raven. Before they ate, they were joined by Tharmifex, Velaxis and Ashmael. Pellaz was aware of an itch inside him, a sense of impatience. It took him a moment to realise what it was: he wanted them all to leave so he could go and find Galdra. It was clear that wasn't going to happen.

  Shortly after eleven o'clock, Vaysh arrived. His expression was not joyful. Pellaz didn't want to hear what he was going to say.

  Vaysh addressed his opening remarks to Tharmifex, which was telling. “Eyra's Listeners have made a report concerning Abrimel. They picked up otherlane residue, which confirms he left Imbrilim by that means, but no trace of sedim. One of Eyra's hara took a sedu into the otherlanes. They found a trace signature and, from what they could gather, Abrimel left voluntarily. There was no energy fallout of distress. His signature was mixed with that of a being similar to those who have been directing attacks upon our hara.”

  Tharmifex was silent for a moment, then glanced briefly at Pellaz. “Are you suggesting, tiahaar, that Abrimel has left Imbrilim willingly with an enemy?”

  “The evidence suggests it,” Vaysh said. “The Listeners were very thorough. They made several checks.” He looked at Pellaz. “I'm sorry.”

  “It can't be so,” Tharmifex said. “Abrimel has been glamoured. It's the obvious explanation.” He frowned. “However, it's strange that nohar picked up any sense of an enemy entering Imbrilim. Security there is extremely tight, and there was a sizeable force of sedim present. Somehar would have felt or seen something.”

  “They would,” Pellaz said curtly. He put down his plate. “I believe this might be Abrimel's final rebellion against me. I imagine he has a treasury of currency Ponclast would covet, namely whatever he has learned of our plans.”

  “Can you really say that of your son?” Velaxis said. He appeared more troubled than anyhar else.

  “You know that I can,” Pellaz said. “I know you are close to him, Velaxis, and I can imagine how you must feel about this, but I think we have to face reality.”

  “There is no proof,” Velaxis said. “I'm sure... I'm sure I would have suspected, felt... known something.”

  “We'll find out,” Ashmael said darkly, and from his tone he could have meant anything by that.

  For three days, Pellaz was unable to meet with Galdra, and in fact did not even lay eyes on him. Many hara wanted his time. He spent a poignant half hour riding alongside Spinel, who informed the Tigron that he had been an inspiration to the Irraka. “You made us think,” he said. “Now I know why.”

  “Maybe you just needed time,” Pellaz said graciously. “I think that in order to survive you would have changed and grown anyway, but thanks for the compliment.”

  On the third evening, Galdra turned up without an invitation at the Tigron's pavilion. Tharmifex and Velaxis were there, and in fact seemed to have become permanent fixtures for dinner each night. Both greeted Galdra like a long lost friend. Pellaz found it easy, not at all awkward, to integrate Galdra into the gathering. He noticed that his guests left earlier than usual, and the moment the pavilion closed behind them, he was in Galdra's arms, sharing breath as if they were underwater and the Freyhellan was the only source of air.

  “I've missed you,” Galdra said, right into Pell's mouth. “Ag, how I've missed you! I couldn't stay away any longer.”

  The walls to the pavilions were thin. Everyhar around the Tigron's abode that night would have been in no doubt that he was taking aruna with somehar, and most of them would have known or guessed who it was.

  Ecstasy spent, they lay in each other's arms. Pellaz felt drowsy and contented. The world was a good place. Nothing bad could exist in a universe where this comfortable state abided. They lay side by side, facing each other and Galdra reached up to take a lock of Pell's hair in his fingers. “You hide it well,” he said softly, “but I do know, Pell.”

  “Know what?” Pellaz had no idea what Galdra would say. Already, he knew enough about the Freyhellan to expect anything.

  “It should be Cal here, holding you, giving you his strength. I wonder sometimes whether you resent the fact it's me, because you are kept apart from him, unsure of where he is or how he is, or of why he can't come to you.”

  Pellaz felt his body stiffen involuntarily. The words were like a knife wound. “Don't talk of him here,” he said. “Don't.”

  “You should. You can say anything to me.”

  Pellaz pulled away from Galdra and sat up. He felt dizzy and had to put his head in his hands. Galdra was silent and motionless behind him, giving him this time. After some moments, Pellaz lowered his hands. “Galdra, Cal is not here simply because he doesn't want to be.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He went to Galhea. We had news. I thought you might have heard.”

  “No. The Gelaming are more tight-lipped about your affairs than you realise, at least with outsiders.” Galdra sat up also, put his hands on Pell's shoulders. “What have you heard?”

  “Not much, but if he can get to Forever, he can get to me. He doesn't want me, Galdra. That's the truth.”

  “I can't believe that.” He kissed Pell's shoulder. “It isn't true.”

  Pellaz laughed harshly. “It is. I know you love me, and maybe that's because you never knew me before I was Tigron. You love what you see. Cal loves a dream, a dead har. He can't love what lives. He's Tigron of his own life. He can't cope with what I've become. He defers to nohar.”

  Galdra pulled Pellaz back down to the bed, held him close. He didn't speak, just pressed his lips against Pell's hair.

  “There may have to be changes,” Pellaz said abruptly. He felt Galdra go utterly still. “After this is all over, there may be changes. Perhaps you understand my meaning?”

  Galdra did not respond immediately. “I am here for you in whatever way you want me to be. I think I know what you mean, but I also think we should not speak of it. Too much would happen. I think you might be wrong about Cal.”

  “But if I'm not? In Immanion, you told me I should let go of my dreams. What if I see them for what they are now – a nightmare? You said we should be together.”

  Galdra sighed. “I know you more intimately now than I did when I said those words. I have seen things inside you, Pell, things that have made me sad for both of us. We could be together twenty years and if he came for you, you'd still go to him. I know that.”

  Pellaz uttered an angry, wordless sound. “Too many times I've thrown out a challenge to the universe, to him. Important times in my life. I've asked him to come to me, when it would have meant everything. He never did, not when I blood-bonded with Rue, nor when I met you in Immanion. He is never there when it would make a difference.”

  “What if he walked in here now?”

  Pellaz shuddered. A chill went through him like a spirit breeze. “Don't say that. He won't.”

  “But he could, at any time. You should be aware of that.”

  “If that's the case, then it's not right. I won't play that game any more. You have made me see this.”

  Galdra smiled sadly. “I am a blinding light, that's all, and in the light you cannot see the shadows. It does not mean they're gone.” He kissed Pell's lips. “Be silent. Be here now. We have said enough.”

  That night, Pellaz dreamed of Lileem. He met her in a dark place, but sense vast open spac
e all around him. Lileem came to him out of the darkness and said, “We will meet soon. We will meet when the serpent bites the star and the seal opens. Do not be afraid of what lies beyond. It is safe to step through. I will be with you there. Soon.”

  Pellaz woke up at once as if somehar had slapped him. Beside him, Galdra slept soundly, uttering gentle snores. Pell could still hear the echo of Lileem's words, as if she had really been there speaking to him. The air in his pavilion was charged.

  The message had been very clear: He knew what he had to do.

  The day begins very early when an army is on the march. Breakfast is ready by dawn, and even while it is being eaten, the pavilions are coming down around the dampened fires, so the supplies wagon, with their guards can move out ahead of the troops.

  Pellaz was woken by the sounds of activity but also by the heavy warmth of Galdra upon him. “I should get back to my hara,” Galdra said. “When I'm with you, it's easy to forget why we're here. This idyll, this love, is no part of war.”

  “Swim in me one more time,” Pellaz said. He could feel the pulse of blood in his throat, behind his eyes, singing in his ears.

  “You are the primal waters of soume,” Galdra murmured, “you are my element.”

  Pellaz tried to regulate his breathing, distance himself from what was happening. He must take control and be aware, outside and inside at the same time. His consciousness hovered among the folds of the pavilion's ceiling. What he saw below him was one being, a mass of pulsating energy, slowly turning. And in the heart of it was a vortex, like a black hole, drawing into itself all matter. It was shocking, terrifying, for this was where they must go.

  Then he was back inside himself, Galdra's breath against his ear. Galdra made the strangest sounds, like the most terrible grief and the most sublime ecstasy.

  The sensations in Pell's body were the most bizarre he'd ever experienced. It was as if he was deep underwater, and the walls of enormous ancient caverns were cracking apart all around him. His body was a cosmos and somewhere at its heart stars were born.

  “Pellaz,” Galdra said, “we cannot do this. Stop. Release me.”

  “No,” Pellaz answered, with his mind. “I control this. There is nothing to fear. We must not stop.”

  At that moment, the inner tongue of Galdra's ouana-lim shot out like an arrow of fire and made contact with the sixth energy centre in Pell's body. The serpent bit the star. The seal opened fully and Pellaz fell through it.

  He was on his hands and knees in complete blackness, panting heavily. His whole body felt wet: the experience was totally physical. He heard swift light footsteps in the darkness, drawing nearer to him.

  “Pellaz, call me!” The voice was Lileem's.

  “Here!” Pellaz said. He was afraid to move. The surface beneath him felt uncertain, pliable, like a membrane over sinking sand.

  He saw Lileem then, her body surrounded by a faint nimbus of light.

  “What is this place?” Pellaz asked her.

  “We are in the cauldron of creation: yours, to be precise.”

  “So, I am hallucinating.”

  “You are not. This is another form of reality, but reality nonetheless.”

  “How did you get here inside me?”

  “Haven't you guessed? The cauldron is a portal, or can create them. It happened with Terez and me, only different. I am learning about it. Listen, this won't hold for long, because you are inexperienced and events still take their course in your reality. During focused aruna, when the seal to the cauldron opens, opportunistic souls take advantage of it: that is how pearls are created. I have seen it, the myriad of lights beyond your realm, a galaxy of hara reaching for the ultimate. You must learn that this is not the only function of the cauldron. You must learn to control it. Look. I can grant you this perception.” She flung out an arm and Pellaz could see beyond her a host of tiny lights, like fireflies. “They are predators. They are circling you. At this moment, you are yaloe, the essence of soume. Do not let them touch you, unless you want a pearl, of course.”

  “Are they Galdra's aren?”

  “Yes. If they touch you, souls will perceive it. They will fight to take possession.”

  “I need to go,” Pellaz said. “Now!” The lights were drawing closer, a fizzing mass of pinprick radiance.

  Lileem laughed. “Pellaz, banish your fear. This is your body, your realm. You must learn you have the right and the ability to choose what happens to it.”

  “Where is Galdra? Is he with us?”

  “Your friend thinks he is dreaming. He is wandering the halls of your being, waiting to wake up.”

  “How do we use this? What is its purpose? You have called me for a reason, I know it.”

  “You can use the cauldron of creation to create more than new hara. You can summon other entities through it. You have little time to gain knowledge of this skill, I know, but it must be done. You must learn to control focused aruna. It is like learning to dream lucidly, to remain aware in the realm of dreams. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, I understand it, but how do I put that into practice?”

  “When you are next here, call upon a dehar. You are familiar with their pattern. When they obey your summons, command them. Use them as a weapon.”

  “Will you meet me here again? Will you help me?”

  “I'll try. I'll remain alert. You should know that your enemies have no idea you are discovering this information. Higher forces of all factions do not desire for you to know it.”

  “Even the sedim and those they serve?”

  “Even them.”

  “Tell me what you know.”

  “The Kakkahaar are not wrong,” Lileem said. “Listen to them. One day I will return to your realm, but not yet. I too am learning.”

  “Can the sedim be trusted?”

  “Yes. They will surprise you. Pellaz...” Lileem hunkered down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. The touch felt real. “Your son who was taken from Rue's body: he lives. Some battles will be fought among the next generation. Do what you can. Repair the tear in your reality that allows your enemy's allies ingress into the earthly realm. Repel them.”

  “Where is my son?”

  “I don't know everything, only some things. The marks in the stone books I read are like fragments. They move and change.”

  “And my other son – Abrimel. What of him? We believe he has gone to Ponclast.”

  “I have not looked into that,” Lileem said, “but I will do so. Where I am, in the Black Library, there is so much to absorb. It is amazing. I want to show it to you.”

  “That realm is treacherous,” Pellaz said. “I have been there before, to drag you out of it, and we almost didn't make it.”

  “Sedim are not the appropriate medium to reach it,” Lileem said. “There are better ways. I cannot explain now. It would take too long. Listen. There is one things you should know before you leave. Cal still loves you. It is written on every stone that bears a harish mark. It can never be erased.”

  “Lileem...” There was so much Pellaz wanted to ask, but already he could feel the pull of earthly reality upon him. He was faintly aware of his physical body, the feeling of Galdra inside him.

  “Go now,” Lileem said. “It is time for this congress to end. If you remain here once aruna has peaked, it might be very difficult for you to return to normal consciousness. I don't have full knowledge of this process yet. Think yourself back, Pell. Concentrate on your soume-lam, its feelings. Be flesh once more. Now.”

  Pellaz closed his eyes and directed his concentration towards his physical body. In an instant, he was back on his bed, his flesh coursing with powerful and paralysing sensation. The climax of this aruna was like an immense electrical charge, the water of soume conducting the current of ouana. It was not altogether pleasant. Pellaz cried out involuntarily, and yelled so loudly that hara came running.

  Vaysh was the first to arrive. He threw aside the door curtain.

  Over Galdra's should
er Pellaz could see his aide's shocked expression. He could not help but laugh out loud as the pulsations in his flesh ebbed away, waves upon a beach, low tide, going back.

  Galdra was clearly oblivious to anyhar else being present. “Are you with pearl?” he asked urgently. “You made it happen.”

  Pellaz gently pushed Galdra away from him. “No, I am not with pearl,” he said. “I have discovered something more wonderful.”

  Vaysh had recovered his composure. “Pellaz!” he said. “Are you insane? It sounded like you were being murdered. Remember who and what you are. You cannot behave like this. It is inappropriate at this time.” Other hara had gathered behind him and now he turned on them. “Get out! All of you!”