Uh-oh. I walked right into that one. I tried, I seriously tried, but the only things I could think to say would all lead to her asking about Lindsey kissing me. Which she was probably going to do anyway. But I really didn’t want to talk about it. Especially not with Claire. And that didn’t make sense, because most of what Claire and I talked about was Lindsey.
So I just drove in silence, my neck muscles getting tighter by the second. Amazingly, she made it a full minute without speaking.
“So, how did everything go?”
“Fine.”
She let out a breathy sound. Might’ve been a sigh. Might’ve been a laugh. “Come on, Gray. When I left, y’all were in a pretty tight lip-lock. That has to be good, right?”
Her voice had the fake enthusiasm that was a sure sign of Claire-nerves. Hmm. Why would she be nervous? Maybe she realized asking me about the kiss was kind of personal. Or that saying “lip-lock” might bring up the Sean Hatcher make-out session. Either way, having Claire nervous could only be good for me in the conversation. I needed to downplay the whole Lindsey kiss thing. Because really, she had been out of it. “She was drunk, Claire. It meant nothing.”
“Didn’t look like it meant nothing.”
Her voice came out just a hint above a whisper and there was some emotion in it I’d never heard before. I glanced at her, hoping for a clue, but she was staring out the side window. I didn’t know what the feeling was—whoever did with girls?—but the ache of guilt I’d felt over kissing Lindsey rumbled back to life.
I accelerated past a slow-moving sedan, my hand clenched on the gearshift so tight I could’ve ripped it off. Who was Claire to say whether a kiss meant something or not? She hadn’t even stayed around long enough to judge for herself. No, she’d run into the house to make out with one of the biggest a-holes Eastridge High School had ever produced. They’d probably set up the meeting ahead of time.
The pain in my gut disappeared. Instead, the urge to shake Claire came back. Sweat broke out on my palms. I wiped it off on my shorts. Don’t talk. Don’t even open your mouth. Nothing good can come of it. I sped down the boulevard, counting the streetlights as the car’s front bumper met each light’s amber circle. I was all the way up to twenty when Claire tapped my forearm.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing. Why?” Almost to her subdivision. Thank God.
“Look, I’m sorry if I crossed a line by asking you about Lindsey, but we talk about her all the time.” She paused for so long I thought she was finished. But, no. “I guess I didn’t think the kiss would be so private to you.”
Was your kiss private to you? I exhaled heavily before I spoke. “You didn’t cross a line.”
She cocked her head, her dark hair hanging like a curtain. “Why don’t I believe you?”
There was an opening for an insult if I’d ever heard one, but I wasn’t going there. I braked for a red light, immediately willing it to change. It ignored me. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out. “Everything’s fine, don’t worry about it.”
“Then why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
“Why do you have to be so pushy?”
“It’s part of my charm,” she said in a sickly sweet tone.
“Not really charming,” I muttered.
“Did Lindsey do something you’re not telling me? You shouldn’t take her so seriously. Sometimes she says harsh things without realizing how bad they sound.”
The light changed and I peeled out.
Twenty-Nine
Gray
Claire grabbed the dashboard. “Whoa! Slow down!”
I only had three more blocks to her subdivision, then what? Four turns? Five? And then freedom. If I could just drop her off without saying something I might regret, I’d consider the night a win.
“Agh!” she said. “Now I’m positive something’s wrong.”
“Why?” I asked without thinking. Too busy counting streets.
“Because you never drive like this. At least you haven’t when I’ve been with you.”
And before I could stop myself, I showed my teeth and said, “Well, it’s a new day, isn’t it?”
A look of surprise, along with something else, passed over her face. I yanked my attention back to the road, shutting off the desire to apologize. Good, the left turn into her neighborhood was just ahead.
She sucked in a loud breath. “Okay, Mr. Snark, Lindsey obviously hurt your feelings. What happened?”
No, you hurt my feelings. What the—? Where had that come from? Claire hadn’t hurt me. She’d just been stupid. Geez, I needed to go to sleep and get all of this out of my head. Of course, it’d probably follow me into my dreams.
“Gray?”
I shook my head, both to clear it and to answer her. “Nothing happened.” We turned into her subdivision. A weight lifted from my chest. Almost there. Almost there.
I thought I’d made it. I really did. Claire didn’t say anything else all the way to her house. But when I pulled over and started to say goodbye, she drew up a knee and turned completely toward me. Say good night. Or see ya. Something. Anything. But my words seemed to be pitching a tent in my throat.
She put a hand on my arm. “I know Lindsey can be a pain sometimes, but she really cares about people. More than she shows. I don’t know what happened, but if you want to talk about it … you know I’m here.”
Sweet words. Caring words. Words that set off what looked like a video game firestorm in my brain. If Claire had stayed with us instead of running off to Hatcher, she wouldn’t have to ask. She’d know how drunk Lindsey was, she’d know about the tears. About the fact that Lindsey was clearly hung up on Adam. Claire could’ve been sweet and comforting when it all went down, but instead she’d chosen to be inside sucking face with—
I took my foot off the clutch. The car jerked and died. I yanked up the parking brake, then took in Claire’s wide-eyed stare. Blood pounded in my temples. I couldn’t keep the words inside anymore. I leaned forward, careful not to get too close, not to touch her. Because even though I had the impulse to, I really didn’t want to shake her. She folded her arms across her chest like she was trying to protect herself. I hesitated. For about three seconds. But the firestorm flared and I let loose, each word like a missile.
“You want to know what happened? Lindsey and I kissed. And yeah, it was great. And over really quick, because she started crying. It would’ve been nice if you’d been there to help.” Claire opened her mouth, but I held up a hand. “Obviously you were busy. The rest of us figured we’d better get her home and then she felt sick and then we ran into her brother who wanted to know where you were—a really good question, by the way—so then we had to go look for you.
“And what did we find? You playing kissy-face with Sean Effing Hatcher! Yeah, you’re right to be surprised. Who would’ve thought practical Claire Gardner would go for such a douche? I know I was surprised. But yup, there you were kissing—”
“You’ve established that,” she said, her voice hard and foreign-sounding.
“Sean Hatcher, who has slept with at least half of the girls in his graduating class—”
“That sounds like a rumor.”
“And is at least four years older than you are.”
I ran out of missiles. I waited to see if she’d launch a counterattack, but she just scowled, one of her hands clenching and unclenching. After about ten seconds, she spoke. “I wasn’t going to sleep with him.”
I sat back. “That has to be the most naïve thing I’ve ever heard you say.”
“And that’s the most chauvinistic thing I’ve ever heard you say.”
“Nice. Play the chauvinist card.”
I couldn’t even describe the range of emotions crossing Claire’s face. “Congratulations,” she said. “You’ve succeeded at pissing me off.”
“Great. Now will you tell me why you were making out with a douchebag?”
“I don’t owe you an explanation.”
> “Maybe not, but you ought to think about it. You know, for the future.”
She stared at me like she couldn’t believe I’d said that. In fact, I couldn’t believe it either. I mean, I’d made my point already, but something in me just didn’t want to let it go. Like I wanted to punish her or something.
“When did you turn into such a jackass?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Probably around the time you were exchanging saliva—”
“Stop,” she said through her teeth. She released the seat belt with a jab of her thumb on the button, then pulled keys out of her shorts pocket. She opened the car door, stuck one leg out, but then turned back. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal of this. It wasn’t like I planned it.” Her voice dropped to a whisper and she fiddled with the bead on her necklace. “I was just sitting there. He sat next to me and he kissed me, and you know what? He was a perfect gentleman the whole time.”
I took her by the shoulders before I could stop myself, causing her to pull her leg back in the car. The door clicked shut. “Don’t you get it? That’s how guys like that operate.”
“You don’t think I can take care of myself?”
“It’s not a matter of whether you can take care of yourself. It’s a matter of degrees … ” I stopped talking because I forgot what I was going to say. My brain got sidetracked receiving the tactile messages from my fingers. Soft skin. Really soft. Well, duh. Girl equals soft.
“Degrees of what?” she asked, sounding more confused than angry.
I could easily slide my hands up her neck and onto her face to see if the skin there was just as soft. I already knew her lips were soft. But I hadn’t touched them with mine yet. And just thinking that made it seem inevitable— Holy crap! I was thinking about kissing Claire.
And it wasn’t just an idle “I wonder what it’d be like to kiss that girl” kind of thing.
I really wanted to kiss Claire Gardner.
My friend Claire. Who made me laugh and bossed me around. Who was helping me with Lindsey.
All the air got sucked out of the car. I grabbed my calf, pretending to have a cramp. “Yaah!”
“What’s the matter?”
“Cramp.”
“Oh. Can I do anything?”
Yeah, right. Rub my leg, please. That’ll help. Just freaking get out of the car. “No, it’ll be okay in a sec.”
“Okay … guess I should go.”
Yes, please. “All right.”
She patted me on the upper arm like I was an old war veteran. “Don’t worry about Sean, okay? I’m sure I won’t be seeing him anymore.”
“He said he’d talk to you later.”
She sniffed as though that was totally hilarious. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t date.”
She didn’t date? What did that mean?
“Plus, I’d only just met him so he probably won’t even remember after the party’s over.”
Two explosions went off right behind my eyes. I didn’t look at her. I just focused on one deep, solid breath. And exhale. Stay calm. “You kissed a guy you’d just met?” I said as if I was talking about the weather.
Her laugh sounded strained. “Thanks for watching out for me. Good night.”
“Night,” I said.
She strolled up the walk to her front door. After a quick wave, she slipped into the house. I, however, enjoyed a rousing rendition of “head meets steering wheel.”
What was wrong with me? It was like I’d chosen the door into the dimension where I liked several girls at once. Would I wake up tomorrow madly in love with Rose? And how far did this liking thing go with Claire? Or was I just attracted to her? Or worse, was it some competition thing brought on by seeing her kiss someone else?
I didn’t know, and I didn’t know what the heck I was going to do about it.
I pulled away from the curb and a metallic clang rang out. I stopped in the middle of the street to search for the source of the noise. It took no time at all. Claire’s silver water bottle rolled back and forth on the floor of the car. I didn’t even have to think twice. There was no way I could face her again tonight.
Thirty
Claire
I set my finished LEGO X-Wing Starfighter on top of my dresser next to the TIE Fighter, arranging the little pilots to stand beside them. I stepped back. Yup. I definitely needed one more piece to round out the arrangement.
I squatted down and dug through the heavy plastic storage box, searching for just the right set. Let’s see, I could go with more Star Wars, or do something completely random. Yeah, in my present mood, random would work perfectly. I pushed through the plastic baggies until I found what I was looking for—a Pirates of the Caribbean set. Nothing like a little Captain Jack Sparrow for randomness.
I sat back down at my desk and switched my music to the Pirates soundtrack. Perfect. That should help keep my mind off Gray.
I’d tried all my usual things—except hanging out with the girls, which wouldn’t work because Lindsey was grounded and hungover and Rose was busy. After Sunday lunch out with the fam, I’d picked up the novel I was currently reading. But no go. I kept remembering Gray’s temper tantrum last night and the rush of relief that tingled all the way to my toes when I realized he was just worried about me. Although he could have figured out a better way to show it.
So, I watched TV. Which lasted about two minutes. I switched to online streaming TV, which lasted about fifteen minutes. Had Gray really thought Lindsey’s kiss meant nothing? Or was he sitting around daydreaming about it?
Thoughts like that kept sliding into my brain, making me feel like my head was trying to turn inside out. I couldn’t focus. Whenever I’d felt that edgy before, the only things that helped were baking or building LEGO models—activities that required following directions and staying focused. And since venturing into the kitchen might mean having a conversation with my mom or dad, LEGOs it was.
Playing with LEGOs had always made me feel better. I could still remember my first LEGO building set—one of those little house sets with its windows and roof pieces. I loved the little flowers you could stick on the base. I loved the little clicking sound the bricks made when you connected them. I still did.
Anyway, I dumped the LEGOS out of the baggie onto my desk and opened the instructions. I’d just sorted the pieces into different piles when someone banged on my bedroom door. I jumped, then swiveled my chair around.
My sister Mimi walked in. She’d changed clothes since church and had on shorts, a T-shirt, and sandals. With no makeup on, she looked about seventeen.
I turned off the music. “What’re you doing here?”
“Hey. I forgot Jack’s diaper bag and wanted to get everything clean before I bring it back tomorrow.”
A reasonable excuse, but she wouldn’t look me in the eye. Something was going on. “I think it’s in the playroom.”
“Yeah, found it.” She fingered the TIE fighter on my dresser. “Why’re you playing with LEGOs?”
“Why not?”
She sat on my bed. “Because there are about a hundred other things I’d rather do.”
I clutched Captain Jack in my fist as though I had to protect him. “No one’s asking you to.”
Mimi laughed. “That’s sure true. How come you’re not with the girls?”
This was weird. Mimi never interrogated me. “Because they’re busy. Who asked you to ask me?”
She looked at the ceiling. “Can’t a girl ask her sister how things are going?”
“Sure, but you didn’t ask me that. What are Mom and Dad worried about?”
She twisted her mouth to one side, then shook her head. “I knew you’d figure it out.”
“And?”
“And you were really quiet during lunch and they’re wondering if you’re having trouble with your friends.”
I frowned. “No, we’re fine. Why would they think that?”
“I don’t know, but they wanted me to find out.”
“That’s so
weird. They’re not usually nosy.”
She pointed at herself. “Why do you think they asked me to do it? They’re trying not to be. But I’m not sure they’re really worried about you and your friends. I think they’re concerned about your no-dating vow, which, by the way, is really stupid.”
The change of subject surprised me, so I said the first thing that came to mind. “You’re stupid.”
She gave me an incredulous look. “What are you, five?”
“You’re five.” I pressed my lips together to hold in a laugh.
“No, you are.”
“No, you,” I said, then let the laugh go. Mimi joined me. It felt really good to just sit there, joking around with her. I really didn’t spend much time with Mimi anymore and when I did we mostly talked about Baby Jack. She leaned back on her elbows on the bed, looking relaxed for the first time since she’d walked into my room.
“Why do you think Mom and Dad are worried about my vow?” I asked.
She sniffed. “I think they’re wondering whether some guy has tried to force you to do sexual stuff and that’s why you don’t want to date.”
I couldn’t shake my head fast enough. “No, no.” I squinted at her. “And are you sure that wasn’t just something you thought might’ve happened?”
“Okay, you’re right. That was me, not Mom and Dad. But they are worried about the vow. They’ve mentioned it to me before. I’ve always told them as soon as you met someone you really liked, the vow would evaporate.”
Gray’s face came to mind. I looked at the carpet. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want Mimi to know how much I liked him. Because it didn’t matter. He was in love with Lindsey. I had to have my vow to stay sane.
“Uh-oh,” Mimi said, her voice softening. “You already have, haven’t you?”
I nodded, my eyes still trained on the floor.
“And you’re keeping the vow?”
Again with the nod.
She exhaled through her teeth. “Is it Gray?”
One short nod.
“And you don’t want to talk about it?”
Life in the No-Dating Zone Page 13