Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent Is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think

by Bryan Caplan

  THE CAST

  BRYAN Mr. “Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids”

  Number of Kids: 3

  BECKY Single career woman and my toughest critic

  Number of Kids: 0

  STEVE Frazzled dad

  Number of Kids: 1

  CHRISTINE Semi-sympathetic mom

  Number of Kids: 2

  IVAN Skeptical social scientist

  Number of Kids: 0

  MARY Supermom

  Number of Kids: 5

  CHAT #1: HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT PARENTS DON’T MATTER?

  BRYAN: So what do you think about my key premise: A lot of parental unhappiness is unnecessary because a lot of parental “investment” doesn’t pay?

  CHRISTINE: I see your point, but aren’t you exaggerating? Genes definitely make a difference—some kids are tougher to raise than others. That doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t try to promote all that stuff on your “Parental Wish List.”

  BRYAN: Health, intelligence, happiness, success, character, values, and appreciation.

  CHRISTINE: Yeah. Are you saying that parents shouldn’t tell their kids to brush their teeth, eat their dinner, and go to school?

  IVAN: Good question. To be blunt, I think that Bryan’s survey of twin and adoption research verges on irresponsible. There is lots of evidence that environment matters. He should objectively summarize instead of cherry-picking.

  BRYAN: Hold on, Ivan. My review of the twin and adoption evidence comes with a loud and clear warning: What you find depends on where you look. Almost all twin and adoption studies are set in developed countries. Families that adopt are usually middle class, and always want children. It would be irresponsible to read these studies, then tell the world that child abuse does no lasting damage or that your child will turn out equally well if he grows up in the Third World. But I say no such thing. I’m more than willing to believe that horrible families cause sickness, stupidity, unhappiness, failure, and vice.

  CHRISTINE: So what exactly are you saying?

  BRYAN: That the child-rearing strategies that parents frequently use in countries like the United States, Sweden, and Australia end up producing surprisingly similar adults. I’m not talking about freakish parents who never tell their kids to brush their teeth, eat their dinner, or go to school.

  IVAN: So as long as the typical adoption agency would consider you a fit parent, the details don’t matter?

  BRYAN: Basically. Parenting has a pretty big effect on how much your kids appreciate you. That’s important to me—and I bet most parents feel the same way. Parents also have a few large, superficial effects. They powerfully influence their kids’ religious affiliation and political party—but not their deeper religious and political orientation.

  CHRISTINE: What else?

  BRYAN: Many studies also find small parental effects for other items on the Parental Wish List, though plenty find no effect at all. But even if pushy parenting makes a slight difference, it’s not worth it. Your chance of transforming your child’s adult health, intelligence, happiness, success, character, or values is slim. Your chance of hurting how your child feels about you—his appreciation—is very real.

  IVAN: If that’s your view, then I still say that your presentation is irresponsible. Who cares if there’s a range over which parental differences don’t matter much? Most of the world falls well below those standards. If international development experts took you seriously . . .

  BRYAN: That’s why I’ve clearly labeled this a book about parenting, not a book about international development. I don’t tell international development experts that they’re fearmongering when they advise people in the Third World to boil their water. Why should they object when I tell parents in the First World to cut themselves some slack?

  CHRISTINE: Is it possible that you put too much stock in twin and adoption research because you happen to be the father of identical twins?

  BRYAN: Personal experience did affect my views, but not the way you suggest. I was interested in twin and adoption research years before I became a dad. Raising twins didn’t change my confidence in the science; my sons were about as alike as the research predicted. But having kids made me appreciate the practical relevance of behavioral genetics. The point of medical research is to help doctors. Shouldn’t the point of twin and adoption research be to help parents?

  CHRISTINE: I’ve never actually read one of these studies. I honestly don’t know enough about statistics to judge their trustworthiness. When they go against common sense, isn’t that a big strike against them?

  IVAN: I’m with Bryan here. You can’t rely on common sense, Christine. Common sense tells us that the earth is flat.

  BRYAN: Hold on, Ivan—I’m with Christine. If a study you don’t understand contradicts your firsthand experience, it’s reasonable to doubt the study. My position is that twin and adoption studies are in harmony with common sense.

  CHRISTINE: Your version of common sense must differ from mine. My common sense tells me that parenting matters a lot.

  BRYAN: Mine tells me that parenting matters a lot in the short run. If I put my kids in the naughty corner for fighting, I can usually count on an hour or two of peace—not a lifetime. That’s common sense, too—and when twin and adoption studies distinguish between short- and long-run effects, that’s what they find.

  CHRISTINE: I like to believe that if I nag my kids enough when they’re young, my lessons will stick.

  BRYAN: There are times when I’d like to believe that, too. If common sense tells us anything, though, it’s that the truth and what we’d like to believe are often very different. Twin and adoption research shows that kids aren’t like clay that parents mold for life. They’re more like flexible plastic that responds to pressure but pops back into shape when the pressure goes away.

  CHRISTINE: So even when I see I’ve made a difference, I should expect it to wear off? How depressing.

  BRYAN: Not necessarily. I find it liberating to accept that my sons will grow up to be their own men and make their own choices. They’ll all probably be successful in their own ways. Now that I know that their future is largely out of my hands, I feel like we can relax and enjoy our journey together.

  BECKY: Let’s back up. You’re both giving Bryan too much credit. All of his so-called genetic effects have environmental explanations. Identical twins are more alike than fraternal twins because their parents and other people treat them more alike. Adoptees do worse because parents favor their biological children. Haven’t you seen Cinderella?

  BRYAN: I agree that these objections are worth pursuing—and I’m pleased to report that they’ve already been pursued.

  BECKY: [sarcastically] Really.

  BRYAN: [enthusiastically] Yes, really! Researchers have checked whether twins are more similar in intelligence or personality when their appearance or childhood environments were more similar. With a few exceptions, they aren’t. They’ve also taken advantage of the fact that families occasionally have false beliefs about what kind of twins they’ve got. If similarity of treatment caused resemblance, then identical twins who falsely believe they’re fraternal should be less similar. They’re not.

  BECKY: What about adoptees?

  BRYAN: Your Cinderella story has two big problems. First, parents invest at least as much in their adopted children as they do in their biological children. One study of families with both kinds of children found that parents give their adoptees more educational and financial assistance.

  BECKY: All right, the Cinderella reference was overly harsh.

  BRYAN: But there’s a deeper problem. For the sake of argument, suppose parents affect success, and parents treat adopted children worse than biological children. We would naturally expect adopted children to be less successful. Still, it’s a lot better to be adopted by a rich, well-educated family, right?

  BECKY: Obviously.

  BRYAN: That’s not what adoption studies find. In practice, kids adopted by more successful families do abo
ut as well as kids adopted by less successful families. Your story can’t explain this. Mine can.

  CHAT #2: KIDS AND HAPPINESS

  STEVE: Can we come back to “enjoying the journey”? It sounds terrible, but I can’t honestly say that I enjoy being a dad. I’m exhausted. If I were totally selfish, I never would have had kids. Now that I know what’s involved, I’m too selfish to want any more.

  BRYAN: It sounds terrible, but you’re probably blaming your kid for your own mistakes. I bet I could find a lot of ways to make your life easier without hurting your kids. For starters, how many activities is your kid involved in?

  STEVE: [counting] Let’s see. Soccer, ballet, Tae Kwon Do, and catechism.

  BRYAN: Which is your daughter’s least favorite?

  STEVE: Probably ballet. She whines every time we tell her to go get ready.

  BRYAN: Great. Cancel ballet. Stay home and take a nap while she watches TV. I just made your life better.

  STEVE: That’s no way to raise a kid.

  BRYAN: Says who? She doesn’t like going to ballet, you don’t like taking her, and the job prospects for ballerinas aren’t that great anyway. I’m not telling you to cancel all of her activities in favor of TV—just to make a judicious adjustment.

  STEVE: I probably wouldn’t even get to take the nap. Before long, she’d be running around screaming.

  BRYAN: Have you tried . . . discipline?

  STEVE: I’m so tired that I don’t have the energy for discipline. It’s easier to let her have her way.

  BRYAN: In that case, canceling ballet is better than I thought. Instead of taking a nap, use the energy you save to invest in discipline. It will more than pay for itself.

  STEVE: Maybe for some kids, but my daughter is trouble.

  BRYAN: How is that an argument against discipline? The more trouble your kids are, the more you have to gain. Suppose parents can cut their kids’ bad behavior in half by laying down the law. Parents with model children would hardly notice the difference—but you sure will.

  MARY: Is this how dads really think? It’s pretty disturbing. My five children are enrolled in thirteen different activities, and I’m not complaining. Being a parent is about giving your all, not cutting corners and taking naps.

  STEVE: [sigh] You’re right, Mary. When I see parents like you, I feel pretty guilty. I know I could be doing a better job.

  BRYAN: I don’t see why either of you should feel guilty. Mary’s a great mom, but her schedule isn’t for everyone. Steve loves his daughter and takes good care of her. He gave her the gift of life. What has he got to feel guilty about?

  MARY: That lack of discipline will hurt her later in life. She won’t have the skills she needs to excel in school or work. Who knows? She might even end up pregnant or in trouble with the law.

  BRYAN: Highly unlikely. Twin and adoption studies find little or no long-run effect of parents on education, income, criminality, or teen pregnancy. Still, I second Mary’s advice. Steve needs to use more discipline—not because lack of discipline hurts his daughter later in life, but because lack of discipline hurts Steve right now. His daughter makes him feel like a prisoner in his own home. Steve has to stand up for himself.

  MARY: I hate to bring this up in front of Steve, but if parents don’t matter, why are my five kids so much better behaved than his one?

  STEVE: I suppose I should blame myself. Still, I can’t help thinking that I was dealt a tougher hand than you were, Mary.

  BRYAN: You’re both partly right. Mary’s kids don’t walk all over her because, unlike Steve, she won’t stand for it. While Mary’s discipline has little effect on her kids’ future success, it definitely improves their current behavior. Nevertheless, discipline isn’t a panacea, even in the short term. Personality is partly hereditary—and I’ll bet that Steve was a more difficult child than you were, Mary.

  MARY: I still don’t like your attitude, Bryan. You’re encouraging people to be bad parents.

  BRYAN: Do you have to be a bad parent to seek an easier path?

  MARY: If you’re as lazy as you sound, why did you bother having kids in the first place?

  BRYAN: You say “lazy.” I say “balanced.” I had kids because I love kids. I make time to play board games with my friends because I enjoy that, too. If my kids are too young to appreciate a movie I’d like to see, I catch it on my way home from work. Why should parenting take over my entire life?

  STEVE: I think my wife would kill me if I did stuff like that.

  MARY: Maybe she should. It sounds like Bryan just dumps his “excess” parenting responsibilities on other people. Someone has to pick up the tab for your carefree lifestyle. I suspect it’s your wife.

  BECKY: Thanks for finally pointing this out, Mary. Raising kids is inevitably a lot of work—and it’s interesting that Bryan barely mentions that women do almost all of it. That’s why I plan to stay child-free.

  BRYAN: I officially object. You both talk as if couples share a fixed pie of happiness—the only way for dad to get more is to give mom a smaller slice. That’s false. Real families are far from perfect, so there’s plenty of room for improvement. I’m a parental entrepreneur on the lookout for ways to make family life less work and more fun. If I pinpoint a waste of time, and my wife and I split the savings, we’re both better off.

  BECKY: Give me a break. Your arguments are just ammunition for men who want to keep women barefoot and pregnant. If you really cared about your wife—or any woman for that matter—you wouldn’t be pressuring them to have more kids.

  BRYAN: You’re fretting about a gender conflict that doesn’t really exist. Average desired family size for men and women is virtually identical. Women are more likely than men to say that having kids is “one of the most important things” to them. If I’m giving ammunition to people who want more kids than their partner, let me point out that about half of these people are women.

  BECKY: None of that changes the fact that women suffer all the pain and perform most of the thankless labor. We have every reason to be suspicious when a man offers to “pinpoint a waste of time” and “split the savings.” What does your split look like? 60–40 in your favor? 90–10?

  BRYAN: I don’t know why you’re so suspicious of me, Becky. Scoff if you must, but if I had an extra hour of leisure to hand out, I’d give it to my wife. She needs it more than I do—and as the saying goes, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

  STEVE: It sounds like you haven’t completely converted your wife to your position.

  BRYAN: Who has?

  STEVE: I think you’ve accidentally exposed a fatal flaw in your advice: It’s useless unless both parents accept it. The odds of that happening are slim at best.

  BRYAN: My advice definitely works better if both parents accept it, but one parent can still make a difference. Couples compromise. Your spouse won’t let you follow my advice all the time, but you can still tip the scales toward happiness.

  MARY: Well, if you converted my husband, I wouldn’t compromise. I’d veto every one of your ideas. It’s up to me to put my kids’ interests first. Which reminds me: Don’t many of the twin and adoption studies that you’re hiding behind report that parents have small effects on their kids?

  BRYAN: Some of them. According to the Korean adoption study, for example, Mary’s firstborn child will finish six fewer months of education because she gave him four siblings.

  MARY: That’s seems like a small price to pay for the blessing of four brothers and sisters.

  BRYAN: I agree, but I bet that many parents would feel like you failed to put your son’s interests first.

  MARY: They’re entitled to their opinion. My point is that there’s nothing unscientific about the way I raise my kids. I’m willing to endure a lot of pain in order to give my kids small gains, so your whole argument backfires. My effort is less fruitful than I thought? Then I’ll have to try harder.

  BRYAN: Why would you do that to yourself? When your children grow up and have kids of t
heir own, do you want their lives to be as tough as yours?

  MARY: When it’s their turn to be parents, sure.

  BRYAN: Fine, let’s run with that. No one denies you’re a great mom, Mary, but I have to ask: Do you ever lose your temper with your kids?

  MARY: I’m only human. Raising five kids is no picnic.

  BRYAN: Okay, given all your experience as a mom, I’m curious. According to the Ask the Children survey, two of kids’ most common wishes are for their parents to be “less tired” and “less stressed.” Overall, kids gave their parents good marks, but more than 40 percent gave moms and dads grades of C, D, or F for controlling their tempers. Do you buy these results?

  MARY: I suppose. Parents aren’t great actors. It’s a lot easier for parents to do right by their kids than to pretend they’re enjoying themselves.

  BRYAN: Suppose one of your kids gave you an F for losing your temper. How would you handle it?

  MARY: I’d try to improve.

  BRYAN: Yeah, but aren’t you already making a serious effort?

  MARY: Like I said, I’m only human.

  BRYAN: Me too. Apparently the most realistic way for a parent to seem happier is actually to be happier.

  MARY: Your point being?

  BRYAN: One of the best ways to improve your parenting is to make yourself happier. So even if you put your kids’ interests first, you should give some of my advice a chance.

  CHAT #3: FROM HAPPIER PARENTING TO MORE KIDS

  BECKY: Is it just me, or is Bryan’s whole argument painfully hard to follow? He admits that parents are less happy than the child-free. He talks about a bunch of twin and adoption studies. Then he tells everyone that it’s okay to be selfish, so they should have a ton of kids. Bryan may have crafted the worst argument I ever heard.

  IVAN: I agree that it’s got some holes, but I think I’m able to follow his logic.