Mr Parsons is discussing something about atoms. Fucking atoms. What the hell will I ever in my future life, need to know about atoms? Since I have no desire to become a damn scientist, I decided that sleep is a better option, and I return my head to the surface of the desk, closing my eyes.
“Miss West!” The deep rumble of Mr Parson’s voice jolts me from my much-needed shut-eye. I look up sleepily to see him frowning down at me.
“Sleep is what you are supposed to do at home! Try putting your damn phone away at night and sleep instead of staying up to chat with your friends!”
Well. Isn’t he just a treat? I have no control over the dagger I throw his way, and he flinches back a little, probably shocked since I’m usually miss goody two shoes. Standing, I gather my books and give him a sour smile.
“Sure, Mr Parsons. I’ll do that in future.” I head towards the door.
“Where do you think you’re going?” He demands.
I shrug, “Anywhere but here,” I walk out of the classroom, hearing the whispered murmurs of the other students. I should care about the rumours that will spread, or even care about how rudely I spoke to Mr Parsons, but right now, in this moment, I don’t.
A normal kid would wag school and go home, but since I’m not normal, I head to the library instead. I ignore Miss Tate, the librarian, when she asks me for my library pass. With my eyes cast down and a scowl on my face, I go to my spot in the back corner. Turning into the last aisle, I’m met with the wide eyes of two year nine girls taking up the space that I so desperately need.
“Move!” I hiss, and they scramble quickly, gathering up their books to rush past me. I fall to the bean bag in exhaustion, with hunger gnawing at me and the burn of tears in my eyes. Wishing them away, I settle into the bean bag and close my eyes, letting sleep drag me under.
Sometime later, I’m eased awake by the voice of my teacher, Miss Dice.
“Is she okay?”
“She will be.” The second voice is male, and it takes me a few moments to recognise that it belongs to Ayden.
“Should I call her parents?” Miss Dice asks, her voice filled with concern.
“No, if she wanted to go home, she would have already gone. I think she had a rough night and just needs some sleep.” Ayden sounds pretty convincing. For someone who doesn’t know what’s going on with me, he sure as shit gets pretty close to the truth.
“You really shouldn’t be skipping classes, Ayden.” Miss Dice says, concerned.
“I’m all caught up, don’t worry. I’ve been doing my work while Lex has been sleeping.”
He called me Lex. For the second time.
With darkness weaving a web inside me, dragging me into an abyss I fear I’ll never find my way out of, Ayden’s voice, his words seem to give off little sparks of light. Sparks of hope.
“Okay then, Ayden. Please make sure you let me know if Lexi needs help. Her behaviour today is so out of character. I’m worried about her.” Miss Dice’s sincerity induces a stray tear to escape from my closed eye, and I hope like hell they can’t see it.
“I will, thanks Miss Dice.”
Silence greets me as the sound of footsteps retreat. A moment later, the bean bag dips slightly before a gentle finger wipes the salty drop off the side of my face. My eyes flutter open, and Ayden’s concerned blue eyes fill my vision.
“I’m okay,” I lie.
He’s quiet for a bit, his piercing eyes roaming my face like he’s trying to see into my soul.
“I know you want me to think you’re okay Lex, but I can see that you’re not.”
“Because I was in a bad mood in Science?” He shakes his head at my question and looks at the corner of my eye, his expression pained.
“Because your tears have removed the camouflage, and I can see the evidence.”
I sit up abruptly, slapping my hand over my eye to cover the bruise, but Ayden grabs my hand away and holds it in his gentle grip.
“I slipped.” It’s not a total lie. I did slip at one stage last night, right after my face slammed into the table.
Ayden shakes his head, looking down at our hands still entwined. I don’t know what to say. I can see the disappointment on his face, and guilt builds in my chest.
“You should go to class, Ayden,” I whisper.
He shakes his head, letting go of my hand, and moves back to sit against the wall.
“Nope. This is much more entertaining.” He smiles at me, but I can tell it’s forced. He’s trying to lighten the mood, so I try to go with it.
“Watching me sleep is entertaining?”
He nods, “Yep. Especially the part when you started snoring.”
I sit forward in the bean bag. “I did not!”
He nods. “Yep, you sure did. But that wasn’t my favourite part.” He teases.
I raise a brow and wait for him to continue.
“My favourite part was when the drooling began.” He immediately laughs at my expression.
“I did not drool!” I whisper, yell, “Did I?”
Ayden is laughing hard now, struggling to keep quiet. When he nods, heat reddens my cheeks, and I bury my head in my hands. Ayden stops laughing.
“Don’t do that.”
I spread my fingers to peek at him.
“Don’t cover up your blush. I love that about you.”
Okay, well, I’m officially on fire! If he thought I was blushing before, he’s now being gifted with the mother of all blushes. Cue self-combustion!
His chuckles fill the aisle, and I remove my hands from my flaming face.
“I’m glad my embarrassment amuses you!”
He says nothing and instead tries to calm himself before shooting me a wink. I shake my head at his audacity, trying once again to hide the heat he ignites when he does that.
We stay quiet for a while. Ayden draws something in his book, and I pretend to mess around on my phone while secretly snapping a few pictures of him. It will give me something to look at later when I can’t play his video. This friendship between us, if you can call it that, confuses me. I’ve tried to push him away, but he’s either dumb and doesn’t understand my hints, or he’s a stubborn shit who won’t give up.
“It’s probably in your best interest to stay away from me.” Breaking the silence, my statement surprises him, causing his handsome face to contort into a frown.
“Let me guess. You think the baggage and drama in your life is too much to burden me with?”
Jesus, can he read my thoughts? I nod warily.
“Well, you're wrong.” He returns his eyes to his sketching.
I frown, “And you’re an expert, are you?”
“Yep,” he glances at me through his dark lashes, “Been there, done that. It’s self-destructive behaviour, and I won’t let you do it.”
I narrow my eyes at him, “Isn’t it up to me to choose who I want in my life?”
He smiles, radiating confidence, “You can try to fight it, Lex, but you’re wasting your energy. I'm meant to be in your life.”
Part of me melts, but the bitch in me speaks.
“I’m good at fighting the people in my life Ayden. You’re the one who should stop wasting your energy.” My tone is clipped, and he frowns, sighing.
“And just like that, she’s back.”
“She?” I ask.
“Heavy, Lexi.”
“I hope you don’t mean my weight!” I snap, even though I know that’s not what he means. He’s referring to my playlist’s name, the one filled with dark music that speaks to my soul.
“As if. There’s nothing of you.”
I don’t respond because he’s right. My weight has dropped since Mike moved home, and even though I just met Ayden yesterday, I know he has noticed my lack of eating.
As if reading my mind, he pulls out a ham sandwich from his bag and shoves it at me.
“Eat.”
“So bossy,” I respond but take the sandwich and pick at it.
“What do you mean when you s
ay you’ve been there and done that? Have you been self-destructive?”
Ayden drops his gaze from mine and focuses on the book in his lap. He is silent for so long that I don’t think he is going to answer, so I’m surprised when he speaks.
“Yes, I have been self-destructive in the past.” He glances back up to me, and his eyes swim with emotions I recognise in myself—sadness, desperation, secrets. Ayden shifts nervously from my analysing gaze. This conversation is making him extremely uncomfortable, and I almost want to change the subject just to save him. But I don’t, because a part of me needs to connect with someone who understands.
“You don’t seem self-destructive now. How did you change that?” I want to ask him more, like what made him that way or who hurt him so badly. I’m curious about this guy with dreamy eyes who is giving me his time, but we don’t know each other, and I have no right to ask such invasive questions.
“I accepted help and support from the people who care about me. It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.” Ayden shrugs, giving me one last glance at his vulnerability before his wall of confidence slams back in place. “You were pretty hungry?” He tilts his head, gesturing to my lap where nothing but crumbs remain. A look of smug satisfaction changes his expression, and I know that our brief conversation about him is over. For now, at least.
We spend the entire school day there in the back corner of the library. It’s nice. I feel safe and less uncomfortable with Ayden than I thought I would. For someone that I only met yesterday, Ayden Mitchell has successfully worked his way under my skin, and not in a bad way.
When the bell rings to signal the end of the day, my face drops in dread, and Ayden doesn't miss it.
“Why don’t you come over to my house? Maybe stay for dinner?”
Go to his house and stay for dinner? Holy shit, I really want to say yes. I’m not ready to continue with my day without him by my side, attempting to make me smile and laugh. I can’t go to his house, though, and I shake my head, knowing I have to get the weed to Travis at the party tonight. The unwelcome reminder fills me with shame. If only Ayden knew what low life measures I’m capable of, he would surely curl his lip in disgust and walk the other way.
Standing from the bean bag, I gather up my books, “I have to go home.”
Ayden looks disappointed but doesn’t push the subject. We walk in silence to my locker, and he waits patiently in deep thought while I get my books and bag.
“Lex,” I look up to him, his eyes dark with concern, “Please don’t push me away. Reach out to me if you need to. Let me be in your life.”
I nod shyly... As if I’m even shy. Christ, what is this boy doing to me?
“Talk later?” Ayden holds up his phone, taking a few steps backward until I nod, and then he flashes me a small smile before turning and walking away.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Something has to be said about the Fox Pines High School parties. How on earth they aren’t shut down by the police is beyond me, especially being on a Tuesday night! By the sounds of it, most of the party is inside, but there are a few groups scattered in the front yard. I witness one group undertaking a very obvious drug deal in plain sight of the street. Normally I would turn my nose up to such a thing, but I can’t really judge because I am basically here to do the same thing.
Hiding in the shadows across the street, I wait anxiously for Travis to show. I’d sent him a text when I wasn’t far from the party asking him to meet me out the front so I can avoid going in. Now the arsehole is making me wait, making me sweat. The bag of weed I stole from Mike is practically burning a hole in my pocket. If the cops come, I’m screwed.
The unease I’ve felt over the last few days is increasing. A few weeks ago, the anxiety would only rear its ugly head during certain situations; now, however, it’s rooted itself into my life every single waking minute. When I returned home from school this afternoon, even though Mike was nowhere to be seen, I couldn’t shut off the dread gripping me. I should have been able to relax knowing he wasn’t there, but that saving grace never came. I’m on edge constantly, always needing to be alert, ready to flee the moment the monsters come out.
My mum was the only one home after school. I overheard her arguing on the phone with my dad, which isn’t anything new. She was begging him to come home, and by the sounds of her angry tone, he refused. The crying that came afterwards tugged at my heart, and when I went to see if she was okay, she told me to get out of her room.
I internally kicked myself for showing the slightest bit of sympathy towards her, and I slammed my invisible walls back up, deciding to focus on the bullshit I had to do tonight rather than worrying about a mother who doesn’t worry about me.
“Here she is in the flesh. Sexy Lexi.” Travis’s voice induces me to shudder.
“Douche,” I respond, making him chuckle as he steps into the shadows with me. He’s not as tall as most of the guys I know, although he still towers over me. I swear he’s wearing the same pale blue t-shirt he had on Sunday morning at Tasha’s. It looks well worn and adds to his all-over messy look. His mop of dirty blonde hair sweeps to one side, and the sides are nothing but the smooth skin of his scalp. He should get his money back from whoever did that haircut on him.
“You got my weed?”
I flash him the bag and duck it quickly behind my back when he tries to grab it.
“Nope, you don’t get this until you tell me what happened Saturday night.”
He sighs, “You’re killing me, girl!” I give him an unimpressed brow raise, so he continues. “Okay, okay. I was out the front of Tasha’s lighting up a joint, and you came out looking up at the stars as if they were magical or some shit. You spotted me and asked me for a drag of my joint, so I gave it to you, and you smoked the whole fucking thing.”
“Shit.” What the hell was wrong with me?
“Shit’s right! I worked hard to earn the money to score that joint, and you fucking sucked the life out of it. When I told you that, you brushed it off and walked off on your own. Me being the gentleman I am, couldn’t let you wander off by yourself, so I went with you, to you know... keep you safe and shit.”
I grunt, and Travis smirks.
“We went past your uppity school, and you started climbing the fence, so I joined you. Before I knew it, we were breaking into the classrooms and throwing chairs through the windows.” He looks down at my hand, “You even punched one of the windows. Scared the absolute shit out of me at first. Had me thinking you cut an artery or something. But it turned out that the cuts weren’t too bad.”
“Fuck.”
Travis laughs, “I haven’t even got to the good part yet.”
“Stop torturing me and tell me already!” I nearly stomp my foot like a two-year-old having a tantrum.
“Well, we got hungry, you know, because of the munchies and shit. Anyway, you threw a chair through the canteen doors. And let me tell you, it was so fucking hot, Lexi. I just had to kiss you.”
I groan, covering my face.
“I’m pretty sure you liked the kiss. I am, after all, a fucking awesome kisser.” Travis insists.
“Unlikely!”
He laughs, “So that’s it. We grabbed some snacks and went back to Tasha’s.”
I’m such a fuckup. How could I do something like that?
Guilt, shame, and disgust sit like a heavy weight in my chest, darkness trying to creep its way in to destroy me. I have the overpowering urge to scream or punch something.
“Weed, please?” Travis puts his hand out expectantly. I’m so pissed that I toss it at his face, but the smug prick catches it quickly, and he tuts. Fucking tuts at me!
“You’re looking a little uptight there, Lexi. Come in for a bit, have a joint with me. It’ll help you forget your worries for a while.” When I hesitate, Travis adds, “Nathan is waiting inside for you. You should at least go and see him. He’s been walking around telling everyone his hot catholic side piece is coming to see him t
onight.”
Damn it. I need to make Nathan understand that we are over for good this time. I don’t want him telling everyone the opposite of what I feel. This is why I nod and follow Travis into the party, hoping I can get this over and done with quickly.
That was a mistake. From the moment I walked into the party, I got swarmed by Travis and Nathan’s friends. A drink ended up in my hand, and before I knew it, I was laughing and dancing with some random Fox Pines High girls who apparently have an infatuation with me. Why? I have no idea.
The biggest mistake of all though, was the moment I accepted a joint off Nathan. Why the hell did I think it was a good idea? Nothing good has come from me smoking weed. Yes, I may have only done it the one time last weekend, but it was a mindfuck of a night that I don’t want to repeat. Apparently, my brain went on a fucking vacation!
A familiar feeling drags me out of sleep early the next morning. A dry mouth, smokey taste, and pounding head remind me of waking up at Tasha’s on Sunday. This time, however, everything feels weird because I’m not laying down, and my chest seems to be rising and falling with someone else's pressed against it. Shit!
Cracking my eyes open, the tip of a shoulder draws my attention, and I realise that it’s my pillow. Someone’s shoulder is my bloody pillow! I am straddling someone! Oh my fucking god. What have I done?
Hoping like hell that I don’t wake whoever is under me, I slowly push myself back. Relief washes over me when I see Nathan’s sleeping face resting back on the recliner that we occupy. The relief only lasts a minute, though, because why in the fuck am I straddling Nathan in some strangers living room? I’m a pure fuck up. There is no other word for it, and let me tell you, the truth fucking hurts.
How did I end up here? I know the answer, but I hate admitting it, even to myself. I’ve done it again. I smoked weed. I did what I said I wouldn’t do again and lost what little common sense I had. And just like last time, I have no memory, which is as scary as fuck. The possibility that I did something last night that I know I will regret sits heavily on my shoulders.
Heavy (Heavy Hearts Book 1) Page 8