He trudged back towards the camp, keen to check that Freya and Frankie were OK, when he spotted them sitting away from everyone else on one of the reindeer skins by the fire. They were both gazing into the flames, their faces so similar with their serious expressions and yet so different. There were years between them, and not just in terms of age. Freya had been away from her daughter for a lifetime and it had affected them both.
Jonas hoped that they could find something here this evening, something to carry them through the years ahead. If it wasn’t a full-on mother–daughter relationship, then he hoped it could at least be a friendship of sorts. That would surely be better than nothing at all, better than the emptiness that haunted them both.
He stepped backwards and crept away, not wanting to intrude until they’d cleared the air between them. He just hoped the sky would clear too.
* * *
‘Frankie, I just want to make it clear to you that I would never want to influence how you see your father or grandmother. That has never been my intention and was one of the reasons I waited until you were an adult to give you a way to contact me.’
‘I could have tried to find you sooner. In fact, I did Google you a few times when I was younger and I imagined employing one of Grandma’s private investigators, but I knew that Grandma would be furious and so I never pushed things. But… I was also terrified that if I did, you would turn me away.’
Freya shook her head. ‘I would never have turned you away. I dreamt of opening my door to find you standing there, but I also knew what it would cost you with Helen and I never wanted you to go through that. I know how persuasive… or rather manipulative, your grandmother can be.’
‘She told me you never loved me.’
‘I thought she might have. However, that’s not true and never was. I loved you deeply from the moment I knew you were growing inside me but I was also scared.’
‘Because of Grandma?’
‘Because of lots of things.’
Around them, people stamped their feet and chatted as the guides told them stories in soft voices, gently lilted with the Norwegian accents that were becoming so familiar to Frankie now. Just like Jonas’s lovely voice.
‘But yes, your grandmother did intimidate me. She never thought I was good enough for your father or to marry into her family.’
‘Grandma rarely thinks people are good enough.’
Freya gave a wry laugh. ‘Some things don’t change. It doesn’t excuse me leaving you but there was more to it than that. You see, after I had you, the pressure of trying to be good enough to fit into the Ashford family, combined with a lack of sleep and a particularly traumatic birth, all made me quite unwell.’
‘You suffered from post-natal depression?’
Freya nodded. ‘It was awful. I couldn’t wait to hold you in my arms and when I finally did, after a forty-eight-hour labour, it wasn’t at all how I expected it to be.’
‘Why not?’
‘You were so perfect, so tiny and beautiful and I just looked down at you and felt… inadequate.’
Frankie watched her mother as the light from the fire played across her features, highlighting the pain of the memories she was sharing.
‘I know that post-natal depression can be dreadful. A woman I know had it and she walked off and left her baby in Harrods one day. Her family helped her to access some treatment though and she’s now a mother of three. But she told me once, at a dinner party, that it was horrendous. She said she felt detached from everything around her.’
‘Exactly how I felt. As if I was looking at things from far away, like through a telescope. One day, you were in your cot gurgling and I sat on the rocker next to you. I looked down at my hands and it was as if they didn’t belong to me. I felt so distant, as if my head was full of cotton wool. It scared me, because I thought, what if I picked you up and dropped you? Or what if I left you somewhere unattended, like in the bath or somewhere you could hurt yourself by rolling once you got a bit bigger?’
‘Did you have any help?’
‘It wasn’t so widely recognized back then. Or so openly discussed. Now, you can have a thread on Twitter and share your feelings without stigma but back then, it was something to be ashamed of. Especially in Helen’s eyes.’
‘Grandma made you feel ashamed?’
‘As I said, I don’t want to influence you negatively about your grandmother.’
‘You said you’d be honest so you need to tell me the truth.’
Freya nodded but she was worrying her bottom lip in a way that suggested this was extremely difficult.
‘One day, Frankie, when you were a few weeks old, I made a big mistake and there was no turning back.’
‘What happened?’
‘I was getting weaker and weaker. My breasts hurt, my nipples were so sore from trying to feed you that they chafed against my clothing, and there was a fog around me that I couldn’t shake. I just wanted someone to come along and rescue me but, of course, no one did. Your father was back at work and I’m pretty sure that Helen was keeping him busy with extra tasks in order to keep him away from home as much as possible. I overheard her telling him that I needed to learn how to take care of my baby and that he should stay out from under my feet. It was, she said, how things were done and mothering was a woman’s job, not a man’s. I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept because you had cried all the night before. You finally settled about eight o’clock in the morning. The house was quiet, your father at work, and, as far as I knew, Helen was somewhere nearby. I caught sight of myself in a mirror and I looked so awful, like some kind of ghoul. Something inside me snapped. I’d given up my old life as an artist, surrendered my independence and become a shadow of who I used to be. I didn’t blame your father or you, of course I didn’t, but I did blame Helen. She was like a vampire, bleeding me dry and making me jump whenever I encountered her. I went downstairs, got the car keys off the hook and went outside. I got into my little Mini and started the engine. It was like I was on autopilot as I drove away.’
Frankie’s mouth had fallen open. She hadn’t known about this and hearing it was painful. Her mother must have been in a terrible state to walk out of the house and leave her baby.
‘I stopped the car at the end of the road and just broke down. I cried and cried and cried. It was as if being free of that house allowed me to let go. I was only gone about five minutes and when I headed back, it was as if I’d unburdened by releasing some of the built-up strain. But when I entered the house, Helen was waiting for me.’
Freya’s tears flowed down her cheeks now, unfettered. She made no attempt to wipe them away, so Frankie pulled a tissue from her pocket and dabbed at her mother’s cheeks gently.
‘She was standing in the hallway, her face like thunder when I walked back inside.’
‘I can just imagine. I’ve faced that look myself.’
Freya nodded. ‘She’s a scary woman when she wants to be. I tried to get past her but she blocked my way and told me to go into the drawing room. I said I needed to get to my baby but she told me the housekeeper was seeing to you. I did as she ordered and sat on the sofa. It was one of those bloody uncomfortable things that you couldn’t settle on because it was designed to keep people upright and respectable, and I resented it in that moment, just as I resented her. Then Helen told me exactly what she thought of me and how it was going to be.’
‘She does have a harsh tongue.’
‘Helen said that after what I’d just done, she could have me arrested for child abandonment. I was crying, devastated at the fact that I’d left you and I felt like the worst mother in the world. She said that at best, social services would be involved and they’d question me and assess my mental health and fitness for parenthood. She had enough to get me sectioned anyway, she said, for at least two days and longer if she used her contacts.’
‘She said what? I can’t believe how horrid that is and when you were so vulnerable.’
Frankie’s anger towards Freya,
an anger that had had no flesh and blood target to aim at for so long, now wavered. The anger had been because of what Freya had done, because of the pain she had left behind her, but Grandma had fuelled it. Now it turned out that Grandma was responsible for making Freya’s illness worse. Freya had needed kindness and understanding, compassion and support. At her lowest ebb, she had been subjected to threats and recrimination. How many people would be able to withstand that?
‘I’m so sorry, Frankie, but I was broken. I believed her. She did have a lot of contacts and could easily have me put away. She told me to pack my bags and go. I was allowed to leave a note for Hugo but I wasn’t to say much in it, just that I felt compelled to leave and that it was for the best. I tried to argue with her but the threat of being put away, and what that would mean for me and for you, was enough to force my hand. I was weakened, distressed and… I believed her.’
‘So you left?’
‘I did. And it has been the big regret of my life.’
They sat in silence for a while as Frankie digested everything. She’d known Grandma could be harsh, cold and even cruel but this was beyond that. Helen Ashford had robbed her daughter-in-law of her right to be a mother and her right to proper support and care, and she had also robbed her granddaughter of a mother’s love. If Freya had been given love, patience and medical support, she could have got through her depression and perhaps they would have been a proper family. No wonder her father had grieved so badly if his wife had left with barely an explanation, and then he’d had his mother harping on about what a bad person his wife had been. Helen was responsible for a lot of pain and sadness. Helen was the true villain in all of this.
‘I’m so mad at her.’ Frankie finally spoke. ‘How could she do that to you… to us all?’
‘In some warped way, I’m sure she believed she was doing it for the best. I knew she never liked me but I tried so hard to get on with her. However, when you came along, it strengthened her resolve to get rid of me. I think she wanted you and Hugo for herself, to be the main woman in your lives, and I was weak, Frankie, because I let her push me out. I’m so sorry for that.’
‘I understand why you felt forced to go, I really do, and I don’t think it was weakness on your part. You were ill and needed help not cruelty. But I have one more question.’
‘Ask away.’
‘Why did you never try to get in touch once you felt better? You could have come back for me.’
Freya pushed her hat back on her head and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her gloved hands.
‘I have asked myself that a million times and there is no good answer. I felt so worthless after I left that it took me a long time to even get out of bed. I had some savings and I lived off those then I bought a plane ticket to Norway. I’d always yearned to visit the country and to see the northern lights and in some strange way, I hoped that they would fix me. And they did… over time. I began to paint again and built up a client list then managed to save enough to open a small gallery. I was busy but not a day went by when I didn’t think of you and wonder how you were getting on. I had counselling and that helped me enough to contact your father and ask about you.’
‘You contacted him?’
Freya nodded.
‘What did he say?’
‘Not much. He was too ground down himself by that time.’
‘When was this?’
‘You’d have been about three.’
‘It took three years?’
‘The darkness took a long time to lift… even longer because I was grieving so badly. I was up and down; my moods were so unpredictable.’
‘Dad never said.’
‘Your grandmother had convinced him that I would crumble again if I came back and he said it was too great a risk to take. He couldn’t let me hurt you again. He said…’ She gasped as a sob escaped her throat. ‘That… you asked for Mumma every night at bedtime.’
Pain surged through Frankie and she ground her teeth together.
‘I begged him to let me see you but he told me that it wasn’t wise and that Helen would have her lawyers on the case before I even knocked on the door. He said I should let it be, wait a while longer. So I did.’
‘Dad was to blame too.’
‘We were angry with each other too and that didn’t help. I was angry that he hadn’t fought for me and he was angry that I’d walked away. But please, Frankie, don’t blame your father. Helen threatened him that if he allowed me back into your life, then social services might take me away from him too and that would have been too much for him to bear. In fact, I don’t want you to blame your grandmother either. Formidable as she is, she did what she thought was right. It’s too late for blame and recriminations now, Frankie. We have to let go of the anger and the sadness or it will destroy us all.’
‘How can you be so forgiving?’
‘I’ve had a long time to think. All I ask, Frankie, is that you consider letting me into your life. I know you’ll never see me as a mother but I would love to be here for you, to see you now and then, and to—’
‘Oh my God!’ Frankie pointed at the sky. ‘Wow! I just saw something when the clouds parted.’
They scrambled to their feet and gazed at the sky, searching for a gap in the clouds so they could see the northern lights.
Freya reached out and took Frankie’s hand then squeezed it tight.
‘I love you, Frankie. I always have.’
Frankie couldn’t reply. Her heart was aching and emotion welled in her throat, cutting off her ability to speak. But as she gazed at the dark grey clouds, hoping to see the ethereal light show she’d come here for, she mouthed the words…
I think I love you too.
Chapter 19
Jonas made his way back into the camp. He’d seen Freya take her daughter’s hand and even though they were searching the sky for a sign of the lights, his gaze had been glued to the two women. Years had passed since Freya had fled her life in England and there had been miles between her and her daughter, yet here, under a Norwegian sky, those years and miles fell away and what remained was beautiful.
It was love. A mother’s love for her daughter and a daughter’s love for her mother.
He knew it was too soon to hope that this would be the start of an easy relationship for them, because all relationships took time and effort, but he hoped it was the start of them communicating and spending time together. Time was so precious that it had to be treasured.
One of the guides broke into his thoughts with a cheer and the chorus of oohs and aahs that followed from the fireside made him smile. It seemed that the husky pups had arrived.
He approached Freya and Frankie. ‘Did you see?’ he asked, referring to the short glimpse of the lights.
Frankie turned watery eyes his way. ‘We did. It was brief but beautiful.’
He nodded. ‘Sometimes it just works out that way. Different times of the year are better but at least you had a taste of how amazing they can be.’
‘Did you get many photographs?’ Freya asked.
‘A few.’ He’d been too distracted wondering how things were going between Freya and Frankie, so he hadn’t been as focused as he usually was. It was funny the way he cared what happened between them. Freya was his friend and had been good to him but he also cared about Frankie. He saw a lot of Freya in her and also something else. She was a good person, he could tell, but she’d been lost. Whether that was entirely down to the fact that her mother had been absent all her life, because of other factors, or a combination of them all, he didn’t know for certain, but she had a radiance about her that shimmered like the northern lights. Things couldn’t always be explained in detail; they just were as they were.
‘Is everything all right, Jonas?’ Frankie asked and he realized he’d been staring at her.
‘Yes! Absolutely. Look…’
He gestured at the puppies that were rolling around on the ground in front of them.
‘Aren’t they adorable?’ Frankie
crouched down and removed her glove then petted two of the pups, running her fingers through their thick fur.
Jonas stepped closer to Freya. ‘How are you?’ he whispered.
‘Good.’
He hugged her with one arm then knelt down next to Frankie.
Soon, the puppies were taken back to their enclosure and the guides brought round sweet rich hot chocolate. Jonas sat in front of the fire in silence, with Freya and Frankie either side of him, enjoying the hot drink, the warmth from the fire and the cold night air.
It was a perfect moment, and when Frankie shuffled closer and smiled warmly at him, he knew it was one he’d never forget. Something in him was reaching out to something in her and he realized that he really wanted to help.
* * *
‘Frankie?’
‘Hmmmm…’
‘Wake up.’
She blinked to find Freya gently shaking her.
‘We’re going back to the hotel now.’
‘My hotel?’ She realized that she was leaning on something and bolted upright when she saw that it was Jonas. ‘Oh! I’m sorry I must have drifted off…’
He smiled. ‘Apparently my shoulder made quite a good pillow.’
‘The hot chocolate, the puppies and the fire all made me sleepy.’ As well as the emotional roller coaster. She was glad of the darkness to hide her blushes.
‘It’s fine.’
‘The bus is ready.’ Freya smiled at them both before standing up.
Frankie cast a glance around the place where she’d spent the evening, the place where she’d found out the truth about why her mother had left, and she knew that whenever she thought about Norway in the future, it would have a very special place in her heart. It was the first step in what might well be a long journey for them, but it was one that they now had the chance to walk together.
They made their way through the snow to the bus then took their seats, and as they travelled through the darkness, Frankie played Freya’s words in her head, allowing herself to fully absorb what she’d learnt.
Love at the Northern Lights Page 12