He laughs at me some more then kisses my head. “Thank you, but seriously, I was all arms, legs, skin and bones. I was foot taller and three sizes skinnier than any other guy in the whole school. You could see every bone in my body. And my head was huge! Not to mention my nose. Even it was too big for that acne covered watermelon sitting on my scrawny shoulders. They called me Ichabod, Ellie. You know the one from the Disney cartoon?” he asks, sounding defeated even though he’s laughing still.
I do my best to stifle my giggles imagining a younger, skinnier Nik with a ponytail, wearing stockings, and those short, tight breeches. Oh, and the heels too!
I raise myself back up to soothe him before I get too carried away with my imagery. “My poor baby. Tell me who they were and I’ll go kick their asses. I still need proof, but I bet they all lost their eyeballs when you walked into your class reunion.”
A mischievous smile spreads across his face, then he winks. “I picked up eyeballs and chins all night.”
I giggle, leaning over to kiss his perfect lips a few times. “And I bet everyone else was fat and ugly, weren’t they?”
“Every single one of them.” He laughs against my lips, which quickly turns into a heated kiss.
His lips, tongue, and hands are suddenly everywhere. I can’t decide which I love more. Right this second, I think it’s his hands. I’m turning into putty as one grips and kneads at my breasts and the other does the same to my neck and hair. I don’t need to feel his straining erection between my legs to know how much he wants me; his hands say it all.
He gently pushes me away, both of us gasping for some much-needed air. “I may never let you out of this bed, Ellie,” he pants, his eyes flaming as they look up at me.
I give him what I hope is a sexy smile as I rub my pussy over him again. “I’m okay with that.”
His eyes roll back in his head and his hands grip my hips helping them slide over him several more times. Three strokes later he growls and forces me to be still. I whimper in protest but lay back down on his chest when he pulls me towards him.
“I know, I’m sorry, but I need you to hear this. I’ll try to be quick, okay?”
“Okay,” I tell him, kissing his chest a few times.
“So, we’ve established that I was an ugly duckling, which prevented any girls from doing much more than laughing at me for the most part. I never had a girlfriend during school. Actually, I’ve never had one. Mom had to ask one of her friends to get her daughter to go with me to my junior prom and when senior prom came around Cash’s date had a friend that needed someone to go with, so they stuck us together. We wound up in a hotel room afterwards, listening to Cash and his date banging their headboard into the wall that connected our rooms.”
I look up at him with my face all scrunched up. “Oh, I bet that wasn’t awkward.”
He looks back at me, his expression pained. “He had left a six pack of beer and a condom in my hands before shoving me into the room and shutting the door behind me. I never had plans to sleep with her – I was awkward as all hell back then – but she kept pouring beer down my throat and removing a few items of our clothes with each one I drank. I should have lasted a while since I was drunk, but I blew the second she put the condom on me. Needless to say, she was pissed that she went to all that work for nothing. Everyone wound up pissed at me that night because she left my room in a huff and went to beat on Cash’s and his girl’s door telling them they had to take her home. Since I was drunk and had orgasmed I promptly fell asleep and didn’t know a thing until much later that night,” he finishes with a sigh.
Poor thing. Sounds as bad as my first time.
I hug him and kiss his chest again. “I think everyone’s first time sucks. It’s like a law or something,” I say, giving him a small smile of support.
He laughs a little. “Yeah, but I don’t know if I can even consider that my first time.” He looks sad and uncomfortable so I lay my head back down so he doesn’t have to see me. After playing with my hair for a minute or two he starts again. “I was so embarrassed afterwards and Cash only made it worse by ragging me about it constantly that I didn’t try again for a long time. My roommate in college thought I was gay along with most everyone else. I finally got so sick of hearing it and having people try to set me up with guys that I decided I would give things a try with the next girl who paid me any attention. I had filled out a good bit, because I forced myself to go to the gym every day, so I wasn’t as awkward and ugly by the end of my sophomore year,” he says quietly.
My heart clinches hearing him sound so down. I just can’t imagine my Nik being self-conscious and awkward.
“The next time I was invited to a party I went. I was barely there thirty minutes before Amanda glued herself to my side. She was two years older, but told me she’d had a crush on me for a while and wanted to spend the night together before she graduated in a few weeks. I let her take me back to her dorm and proceeded to embarrass myself again. I actually made it past getting the condom on, but only just. I think we went through three before she got anything out of it and that was more due to my size than knowing what to do with it. She never called me like she said she would, but I became popular with a lot of the girls soon after. Apparently, Amanda had told them I was packing and they all wanted a chance at me. I turned all but two down by the time I graduated.” He takes a deep breath. “That was the easy part, you okay with hearing the ugly stuff?”
I smile at him softly trying to ease his worry. I still don’t think he believes me when I tell him I’m fine with his past. “If you need to tell me, then you need to tell me. I’m not going to judge you, Nik. I didn’t last week and I’m sure as hell not going to after everything you’ve done for me since then,” I assure him.
He pulls my face up to his and kisses me. “I love you.”
“I love you too, now finish your story,” I say, kissing him back before lying down again.
“I got super busy with my internship after I graduated so getting laid or having a girlfriend wasn’t anything I was worried about or had time for. Then Mom and Dad died.”
I don’t say anything, but I hold onto him a bit tighter and kiss his chest again.
He lets out a harsh breath. “Shit, El, I’m sorry. We can talk about it later,” he says, suddenly trying to get back to sexy time, his hands grabbing my hips, while his pump up into mine.
I sit up, stopping him with a gentle scowl. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay. You can talk about them, Nik, about losing them, anything about them. Please don’t ever keep them locked away because of me, okay?”
“You’re sure?”
I nod. “I promise. We have to talk about them. Before last week... I don’t know what I thought, or why I thought not talking about them was better, but I was wrong. We have to talk about them to keep them with us.”
He laces his fingers through mine as he stares up at me, his expression soft and sweet. “I love you, and I’m so proud of you.”
I get too choked up to respond, at least with words. I smile and nod though, laying back down before more tears can escape. He hugs me tight, then his big hands are rubbing gentle circles over my back as his voice rumbles under my ear.
“It shook my entire foundation. I had been out of the house for years already, but they were always supposed to be there when I needed them. They were my anchor and suddenly they were gone. I tried my best to stay strong for Leia. I don’t think I did a very good job though. A month after we buried them and all the wills and paperwork were finally done, I went off the deep end. I went straight from the lawyer’s office into the first bar I came to and drank myself into a stupor. I kept it up for weeks on end too. Half way through the first month I went home with the first one. A couple nights later, the second. After another month or two, I traded out getting drunk every night for getting laid instead. The drinking almost made me lose my internship so it had to stop. At the time I didn’t see why I should quit the women though. It was probably the worst way in the world to
grieve, but it’s what I did. I didn’t think about Mom and Dad being gone when I was with those women. It shut my brain off for an hour or two. I couldn’t be more ashamed of myself now, but back then it made sense,” he admits sadly.
I gently move over to lay on my side so I can see him better and caress his sweet face. “Don’t do that to yourself, okay? If I can’t beat myself up, neither can you. They always said at Serenity that there is no wrong way to grieve. Vicky says sex is one of the most common ways people deal with loss. You needed comfort and they gave it to you, there’s no reason to be ashamed of it,” I tell him.
He looks down at my neck and chest, following his finger with his eyes as he traces it over my skin. “It’s not the same for you, is it? With me?” he asks so quietly I almost miss it.
If I wasn’t so acquainted with fear and anxiety, I might be insulted by his question, but instead it breaks my heart. I’m so used to being the one feeling insecure that I never thought that he might be too, especially with how amazing he’s been with me and my issues. I told myself I was going to pour everything I have into this relationship and right now seems the perfect time to start.
I stroke over his hair and down his face to his chin and pull it up so he’ll look at me. It takes him a second but his sad eyes find their way to mine. “I promise it’s not like that for me, Nik. I love you. It wasn’t something I set out to do – I didn’t even think my heart was capable of loving someone again – but then you showed up and my entire world was flipped on its head. For the better. Having you make love to me is more than I ever dreamed it could be, but if we never got to do it again, I wouldn’t leave you or stop loving you,” I try to reassure him.
He only gives me a small smile so I take a different approach. “I’ve got a list I want to tell you about, okay?”
“Okay.”
“It’s my list for you.” I smile and reach down to run my hand over his perfect ass. “This is number five,” I tell him, giving it a firm squeeze. It makes his eyes sparkle a bit, but then I move my hand over his hip and further down to trail my palm over his dick. “And this is number four.” I can’t help but smirk when it jumps at my touch and I see him swallow. “Those parts of you are very nice but something else is my favorite?”
“Tell me,” he whispers.
I smile down at him as I gently push him onto his back and straddle him again, being sure to keep my ass in the air and away from his growing length. I don’t want there to be any question about what I feel for him.
I straighten up, staying on my knees, and move to the next one. “Number three on the list are your arms and hands,” I tell him, picking up his right hand and bringing it to my lips to kiss his palm, while I stroke my fingers up and down his arm.
“What? Why?” he asks, perplexed.
“Because they hold me when I’m sad and tickle me so I’ll laugh.” I smile at him, nipping the pads of his fingertips with my teeth. I get a sweet smile from him in return.
“When these gentle hands touch me and your strong arms wrap around me, I feel safe, protected, never afraid or alone. My whole world can feel like it’s falling apart, but when I lay myself in your arms all the chaos stops, and I know that everything’s gonna be okay. When they hold me, it’s like the piece of me that’s been missing isn’t missing anymore. I feel whole again in your embrace,” I whisper.
Before I make myself cry I drop onto my hands over him and lean down and gently kiss each of his eyebrows, then his eyelids as he closes them. “Those are number two,” I whisper, staring into them when he looks back up at me. “I think I fell in love with you the first time your eyes met mine. I’d never seen anything more beautiful or alive as your eyes were that day. I melt every time they look at me because they never fail to show me how you feel. It’s like your heart is so big it spills out of them. Sometimes they look at me shining with so much love it breaks my heart. Other times I can feel your touch before your fingers ever reach me with one heated look from them. They never fail to take my breath away. You could never speak another word and I would still know you love me, desire me, just by your beautiful eyes,” I tell him with a kiss to the corner of each.
He tries to speak but I place a finger over his lips. “Shhh, let me finish,” I whisper, giving his nose a quick peck. “This last one is the most important one.” I lean down and press a lingering kiss to the warm skin over his heart, forcing my tears back with a deep swallow. “This is my favorite part of you – your big, sweet, loving, tender, selfless heart,” I whisper against his skin, then lay down with my ear pressed over it so I can hear its strong, steady beat.
His arms immediately wrap around me and hold me close as he presses a kiss to the top of my head.
I know my voice will be shaky and weak, but he needs to know what he’s done for me and why I love him, so I keep going. “It chose to protect me when it didn’t even know me. It has fought for me, picked me up every time I’ve fallen down, smiled at me when I couldn’t, been patient with me, and decided to love me despite the fact I was broken and at my weakest. It has sewn me back together, filled my cracks with the love it has for me and made me whole when I feared I never would be again. It whispers and calls to mine, calming it like no other. It shines a light on my darkness, taking away my fears and making me brave,” I whisper, as I wipe at the tears that refuse to stay put anymore. “It should feel heavier in your chest these days, because it’s home to mine now too.”
“Ellie,” he breathes out, gently pulling at me so I’ll look up at him. His eyes are liquid pools of blue flame when they lock onto mine. I swear I can feel him inside my soul as he stares at me. My tears fall over his beautiful face and mix with his as he slips his hands into my hair and pulls my lips to his. It’s our first kiss times a thousand, so full of love and tenderness my heart threatens to burst.
“I love you,” he pants, kissing his way across my face so we can catch our breath. “I love you. I love you,” he chants over and over.
I can only choke back a sob as he turns us onto our sides then gently brushes my hair from my face. “I… I…”
“Shhhhhh, I know. I know, Hummingbird, I know,” he whispers, continuing to place featherlight kisses over my face.
I manage to pull myself together enough to catch his lips the next time they brush across mine and kiss him with every ounce of love I feel for him. It could be minutes or even hours but we lose ourselves in each other. It’s not the fast and frenzied, burning fever of our first time, but slow and reverent, almost devastating in its affection.
In one smooth motion, his hand glides gently down my back and over my hip to pull my leg up and over his hip as his length slides deep inside of me, filling me in one stroke.
My back arches as my hips curl to take him even deeper. “Nik,” I gasp, my head thrown back and my eyes rolling back from the pleasure.
“Open your eyes, beautiful. Look at me,” he softly demands.
I have no choice but to obey and lock eyes with him as our hips continue to slowly roll and thrust against each other. His blazing eyes sear his love on my heart making it swell and beat harder against its bony cage as it begs to be closer to him. He feels amazing inside of me, but this isn’t about chasing our releases, this is about the love we feel. I can feel his washing over me, threatening to drown me, but I only want more. Everything inside of me wants to know him more, wants him deeper, closer. So I tear myself open and take in all he has to give while I pour out all I am into his loving heart and eyes, and tender hands.
Our need builds slowly in waves of writhing, tangled limbs, warm, moist skin, shuddering breaths, and pounding hearts until we both shatter in each other’s arms.
It takes several minutes before the euphoria ebbs enough for us to move or speak again and even then, it’s only lazy fingers drifting over skin, soft lips feathering delicate kisses, and loving whispers exchanged.
When my strength comes back to me I reach up and wipe away a drop of sweat from his temple. “Are you okay? We didn�
��t hurt you, did we?”
He smiles softly and brings my fingers to his lips to kiss them. “Nope, I feel like a million bucks. If you wouldn’t whoop me I’d probably be making laps around the house.”
And there’s the adorable, after-orgasm Nik again.
We lay skin to skin, holding and being held, both thoroughly sated. I’m achy in places I’d forgotten could even be achy. I missed out on this last week, but I relish it tonight.
He’s running his fingers through my hair and against my scalp. I’m running mine over his chest, playing with the little bit of hair he has there, while his breathing and heart beat lull me to sleep. It feels right.
Perfect, even.
I can’t remember the last time I was so relaxed and at peace. I think I might actually feel whole again.
“Being here like this with you, El, I can’t imagine ever needing any more than this,” he mumbles, his voice rumbling under my ear and heavy with sleep. He gently squeezes me and presses a kiss to the top of my head. “I love you.”
I was right. He’s exactly what I need to heal. I’m not going to live in fear anymore. I’m tired of being in that cold, lonely, black hole. I have to move on from my past, be thankful that I’m still here, and look forward to the future. Nik didn’t just give me a second chance at life, but one at love too. I’m going to take it and pour my whole self into it. I’m going to love him and let him love me back for however long we’ll be given. I know better than most how quickly loved ones can be taken away, how precious life is. I’m determined to make the most of it this time, and if the unthinkable happens again, I’ll follow right behind him. God has put him in my path to be my second chance and I know he will be my last. I refuse to be left behind again.
My choice made, I pull myself up so I can look down at him and even though it’s dark I can see his crystal blue eyes shining up at me beneath heavy sleepy lids. “I love you too,” I whisper, brushing his cheek with the back of my fingers. “I’ll never forget this night, or our first night either. How you’ve loved me, the sweet things you’ve said. Everything you’ve done for me. It’s all been perfect. Every moment has been as perfect as you,” I breathe against his lips then kiss him softly.
Heal Me (Magnolia Series Book 2) Page 5